Mixed Signals....Thoughts Please (long post)

[OnlyMe]

Hello everyone,

A bit of background before I post my current situation.

I'm in mid thirties and have never been in a relationship and have had very little dating experience.

There have been girls & women that I have been interested in, but unfortunately it has never been reciprocated and there have been plenty of times when I didn't even have the courage to ask certain women out.

For the majority of my life I have struggled with self esteem issues mainly due to obesity (at my heaviest I weighed over 300lbs / 140kg)

However in recent years I have managed to lose a fair amount of weight and now weigh around the 175lbs / 79kg mark.

Despite the loss in weight, there really hasn't been any increase to my confidence.

In recent times I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will spend the rest of my life alone, some people would call this giving up and they are probably right.

Anyway recently I'm at work and out of the blue I receive an e-mail from a female co-worker asking me when I am going to invite her to come and see my place....she finishes this by stating "unless I am barking up the wrong tree "

I was so stunned to have received this message I had to read it about three times to make sure I read it properly.

I was even more stunned because it was from one of the women I referred to earlier when I said I never had the courage to ask her out.

She is 23 and I have always thought she was beautiful (seriously a 9 / 10) and same goes for her personality.

I replied basically telling her that she wasn't barking up the wrong tree and we made plans for the end of the week. She then e-mailed me her mobile number so I would find it easier to contact her than at work.

The week goes on but it seems to move more slowly now that I have something to truly look forward to and everything seems to be going to plan.

I arrive at the night before our date and make all of the arrangements going shopping and getting the food and drink and giving my place a quick tidy up.

Late that night I receive the news I was dreading she calls me and tells me that she has to work and wont be able to make it and that she feels terrible about it.

I truly felt crushed and devastated as I can't remember the last time that I was looking forward to something this much. To be honest, I genuinely felt like crying because of how much emotional energy I had invested into it.

However I message back telling her that these things happen and that we can always organise another time.

That night I couldn't sleep properly and also since then I don't feel like eating.

Over the weekend I wasn't able think about much else except her and last night I sent her an SMS asking how her weekend was and by the time I went to bed I hadn't received a reply.

However when I woke up this morning there was a reply from her that had been sent overnight (turns out it was sent about 10 minutes after I had turned my phone off). She even apologised for the late reply.

She also sent another message this morning complete with smileys saying good morning and see you later.

We were speaking today at work and when I'm with her I just feel that something is there. As we were leaving work she said she was going to be home tonight just relaxing and watching tv so I mentioned that I would give her a call and she said ok.

My intention with the call was going to be to ask her out properly - which doesn't sound like a big deal......but for me it's probably the thing I find hardest in the world to do.

I came home and wrote down an idea of what I wanted to say so that it would make sense and built up the courage to call her.

I dial the number and wait........unfortunately her phone rang out and went to voicemail. I left her a message asking her to give me a call when she gets a chance and now a few hours since then and I have not a callback or even a text.

I'm so confused !!!!

One minute she is asking me if she can come over and asks if she is the one barking up the wrong tree, yet now it seems it could be me doing the barking.

Rejection hurts but I really think the runaround / not knowing is just as bad if not worse.

I truly have genuine feelings for her and think that she is worth it, but I'm not sure my health both physical and mental can take much more.

Thanks for reading my tale of confusion, it does help to be able to express it on here.

OnlyMe

 

[The Good Citizen]

I'm not going to try to second guess what’s going through a woman's mind but I'll list some thoughts

She's a confident girl, that much seems clear by how she approached you out of the blue, nothing wrong with that I'm sure we'd all like to share that confidence. One thing she probably doesn't realise as a result though was that for you it was a far bigger deal, she'd have no idea how you've been feeling about it all week and I would imagine to her its just an opportunity to get to know someone she took an interest in a bit better and to see how it goes. That will explain the more casual attitude to responding to texts etc, it’s just not as big a deal to her at this stage. Now to you, it’s the opposite; minutes seem like hours while you're waiting to hear from her so you're not both coming at this from the same place.

There’s no commitment or promises of anything at this stage, give it a day or two and maybe ask one more time but keep your dignity on this. Remember she is only 23 too, that doesn't mean it can't work or that she is too young but it does make it a bit more likely that she could still be a bit flighty at that age. If it doesn't work out and you don't get that date let it go, take the positives, a good looking girl asked you out and a lot of guys would wait a lifetime for that to happen. Remember you've lost nearly half your body weight and that’s an incredible achievement so whatever happens with this girl don't be hard on yourself or let it undo all the hard work and dedication that must have taken. You should be bursting with new found confidence right now, so think how far you've come; you're a new man and starting to get more attention. Drop her a mail in a couple of days and see what she says, but don't get tunnel vision over her. Someone will come along as long as you don't stop looking and believe in yourself.

 

[duff]

Hello everyone,

A bit of background before I post my current situation.

I'm in mid thirties and have never been in a relationship and have had very little dating experience.

There have been girls & women that I have been interested in, but unfortunately it has never been reciprocated and there have been plenty of times when I didn't even have the courage to ask certain women out.

For the majority of my life I have struggled with self esteem issues mainly due to obesity (at my heaviest I weighed over 300lbs / 140kg)

However in recent years I have managed to lose a fair amount of weight and now weigh around the 175lbs / 79kg mark.

Despite the loss in weight, there really hasn't been any increase to my confidence.

In recent times I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will spend the rest of my life alone, some people would call this giving up and they are probably right.

Anyway recently I'm at work and out of the blue I receive an e-mail from a female co-worker asking me when I am going to invite her to come and see my place....she finishes this by stating "unless I am barking up the wrong tree "

I was so stunned to have received this message I had to read it about three times to make sure I read it properly.

I was even more stunned because it was from one of the women I referred to earlier when I said I never had the courage to ask her out.

She is 23 and I have always thought she was beautiful (seriously a 9 / 10) and same goes for her personality.

I replied basically telling her that she wasn't barking up the wrong tree and we made plans for the end of the week. She then e-mailed me her mobile number so I would find it easier to contact her than at work.

The week goes on but it seems to move more slowly now that I have something to truly look forward to and everything seems to be going to plan.

I arrive at the night before our date and make all of the arrangements going shopping and getting the food and drink and giving my place a quick tidy up.

Late that night I receive the news I was dreading she calls me and tells me that she has to work and wont be able to make it and that she feels terrible about it.

I truly felt crushed and devastated as I can't remember the last time that I was looking forward to something this much. To be honest, I genuinely felt like crying because of how much emotional energy I had invested into it.

However I message back telling her that these things happen and that we can always organise another time.

That night I couldn't sleep properly and also since then I don't feel like eating.

Over the weekend I wasn't able think about much else except her and last night I sent her an SMS asking how her weekend was and by the time I went to bed I hadn't received a reply.

However when I woke up this morning there was a reply from her that had been sent overnight (turns out it was sent about 10 minutes after I had turned my phone off). She even apologised for the late reply.

She also sent another message this morning complete with smileys saying good morning and see you later.

We were speaking today at work and when I'm with her I just feel that something is there. As we were leaving work she said she was going to be home tonight just relaxing and watching tv so I mentioned that I would give her a call and she said ok.

My intention with the call was going to be to ask her out properly - which doesn't sound like a big deal......but for me it's probably the thing I find hardest in the world to do.

I came home and wrote down an idea of what I wanted to say so that it would make sense and built up the courage to call her.

I dial the number and wait........unfortunately her phone rang out and went to voicemail. I left her a message asking her to give me a call when she gets a chance and now a few hours since then and I have not a callback or even a text.

I'm so confused !!!!

One minute she is asking me if she can come over and asks if she is the one barking up the wrong tree, yet now it seems it could be me doing the barking.

Rejection hurts but I really think the runaround / not knowing is just as bad if not worse.

I truly have genuine feelings for her and think that she is worth it, but I'm not sure my health both physical and mental can take much more.

Thanks for reading my tale of confusion, it does help to be able to express it on here.

OnlyMe

I feel your pain.

I hope it works out for you. What can I say ? Try not to worry so much ! - It is best to have a 'not that bothered' attitude because it hurts so much when you get let down. Ive been in a few situations myself when I'm just waiting for it to go wrong. 'It all seems to good to be true !' - is a saying that usually sums it all up.

 

[theraab]

First, congratulations on your weight loss. That is quite a feat.

It is entirely possible that she just got busy; or like Good Citizen said, at 23, she might be flaky. I am inferring from what you wrote that you had a definite date (you bought food and drinks, etc.) - which is what makes this whole thing a little strange.

I also gather from your post that you think she may have simply stood you up - let's be honest, she's an attractive young woman, so she may have gotten a last minute invite somewhere (don't assume that it was another guy, though - she may have gotten invited to a club with her friends or something like that). But even if it is with another guy, so what - you two are not a couple yet, so she hasn't offered you any commitment. None of that means that she isn't interested in you - it just means other plans came up (or, maybe, she did have to work late on Friday or Saturday).

Regardless, I would leave the ball in her court as far as calling back. If she tries to make a second date, don't make yourself too available (if she says, "how about you show me your place Friday" tell her, "I'm busy Friday, how about Saturday" or something like that). I know it's stupid, but it is the way it is. If she doesn't contact you back, then listen to what Good Citizen said - an attractive young woman was hitting on you, and that should be a confidence boost no matter what.

 

[OnlyMe]

The Good Citizen

Thank you so much for taking the time to post such a well thought out, positive and intelligent response.

I never thought I would ever have someone like her interested in me and no doubt it means a lot more to me than her because at the moment I have a lot of voids to fill in my life but my number one wish has always been to fall in love with someone that feels the same way about me.

Whereas on the otherhand from what she has told me she has a very active life in that she works two jobs and keeps herself quite busy socially.

Maybe she was looking for more of a chase / challenge and my immediate enthusiasm took that away from her.

I think that part of the reason that I still lack confidence is because despite the physical change, the mental side of things didn't automatically improve as to be honest I thought it would.

Also worrying about things like 'lack of relationship experience' and how to handle questions about that topic.

Depending on whether or not I receive any sort of reply to the missed phone call from earlier tonight will dictate what I say next.

At this stage I am thinking of politely asking her if I am now the one who is barking up the wrong tree.

If that is the case I will also probably ask her what changed in the last week to make her lose her interest.

Kind regards and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

---

First, congratulations on your weight loss. That is quite a feat.

It is entirely possible that she just got busy; or like Good Citizen said, at 23, she might be flaky. I am inferring from what you wrote that you had a definite date (you bought food and drinks, etc.) - which is what makes this whole thing a little strange.

I also gather from your post that you think she may have simply stood you up - let's be honest, she's an attractive young woman, so she may have gotten a last minute invite somewhere (don't assume that it was another guy, though - she may have gotten invited to a club with her friends or something like that). But even if it is with another guy, so what - you two are not a couple yet, so she hasn't offered you any commitment. None of that means that she isn't interested in you - it just means other plans came up (or, maybe, she did have to work late on Friday or Saturday).

Regardless, I would leave the ball in her court as far as calling back. If she tries to make a second date, don't make yourself too available (if she says, "how about you show me your place Friday" tell her, "I'm busy Friday, how about Saturday" or something like that). I know it's stupid, but it is the way it is. If she doesn't contact you back, then listen to what Good Citizen said - an attractive young woman was hitting on you, and that should be a confidence boost no matter what.

Theraab

Thank you also for your thoughts and advice.

If yourself and The Good Citizen are an indication of the quality of posters on this forum then I am glad I joined.

I believe it was a definite date we had scheduled, obviously allowing for something unforseen to happen. If I had made the first move and she had cancelled then I wouldn't have been as surprised, but the fact she made the first move meant that I thought it was less chance of being cancelled.

I do believe her when she said had to work as her second job is in hospitality and as she works casually she is on call (catering).

The negative for me regarding the cancellation was that when she cancelled she didn't really mention re-scheduling another time.

I also agree with you that at this stage she has no obligation to be exclusive with me as we haven't even dated and I have no doubt that she could pretty much get almost any guy she wants with her looks and personality.

A big change I need to make is regarding making myself available or unavailable.

That is one area where I don't have the confidence to chance my luck and risk knocking back a date and hoping that she agrees to the alternative.

However based on reading different topics on dating this seems to be common advice.

Thanks again and I also look forward to reading more of your posts.

 

[The Good Citizen]

No problem, I think everyone who's responded on the thread can relate; having something lined up and having it churning your insides up while you wait, then staring at a phone wondering if they'll text or whether to text again. You're certainly not alone in that respect.

I wouldn't try and second guess the reason, it could be anything. Dont chew yourself up about it anyway..it was out of the blue but you must have been doing something right!

Welcome to ALL anyway, theres always plenty here willing to listen.

 

[OnlyMe]

I feel your pain.

I hope it works out for you. What can I say ? Try not to worry so much ! - It is best to have a 'not that bothered' attitude because it hurts so much when you get let down. Ive been in a few situations myself when I'm just waiting for it to go wrong. 'It all seems to good to be true !' - is a saying that usually sums it all up.

Thanks Duff

It's funny because over the last 7 or so months I really tried to develop that 'not that bothered / resigned' attitude.

But it seems the true emotions can't be hidden forever as it took ages to bury them and only one e-mail from a beautiful girl to bring them back out

No problem, I think everyone who's responded on the thread can relate; having something lined up and having it churning your insides up while you wait, then staring at a phone wondering if they'll text or whether to text again. You're certainly not alone in that respect.

I wouldn't try and second guess the reason, it could be anything. Dont chew yourself up about it anyway..it was out of the blue but you must have been doing something right!

Welcome to ALL anyway, theres always plenty here willing to listen.

Mate,

It's like you've got a hidden camera on me right now.

Staring at the phone, hell even double checking that it has cell reception and churning my insides pretty much describes my current position quite nicely

 

[duff]

No problem, I think everyone who's responded on the thread can relate; having something lined up and having it churning your insides up while you wait, then staring at a phone wondering if they'll text or whether to text again. You're certainly not alone in that respect.

I wouldn't try and second guess the reason, it could be anything. Dont chew yourself up about it anyway..it was out of the blue but you must have been doing something right!

Welcome to ALL anyway, theres always plenty here willing to listen.

it reminds me of last year. I had this date lined up, first one in 15 years. All thru the week I was expecting something to go wrong. An hour before the date, I clicked on facebook just to pass some time and it said she was 'in a relationship' with someone - I was shocked but then again, it just reinforced what I knew what would happen.

---

I feel your pain.

I hope it works out for you. What can I say ? Try not to worry so much ! - It is best to have a 'not that bothered' attitude because it hurts so much when you get let down. Ive been in a few situations myself when I'm just waiting for it to go wrong. 'It all seems to good to be true !' - is a saying that usually sums it all up.

Thanks Duff

It's funny because over the last 7 or so months I really tried to develop that 'not that bothered / resigned' attitude.

But it seems the true emotions can't be hidden forever as it took ages to bury them and only one e-mail from a beautiful girl to bring them back out

No problem, I think everyone who's responded on the thread can relate; having something lined up and having it churning your insides up while you wait, then staring at a phone wondering if they'll text or whether to text again. You're certainly not alone in that respect.

I wouldn't try and second guess the reason, it could be anything. Dont chew yourself up about it anyway..it was out of the blue but you must have been doing something right!

Welcome to ALL anyway, theres always plenty here willing to listen.

Mate,

It's like you've got a hidden camera on me right now.

Staring at the phone, hell even double checking that it has cell reception and churning my insides pretty much describes my current position quite nicely

i know what you mean. Ive grown to hate my mobile !

 

[The Good Citizen]

double checking that it has cell reception

Yeah that sounds about right!

 

[bulmabriefs144]

I'm not going to try to second guess what’s going through a woman's mind but I'll list some thoughts

She's a confident girl, that much seems clear by how she approached you out of the blue, nothing wrong with that I'm sure we'd all like to share that confidence. One thing she probably doesn't realise as a result though was that for you it was a far bigger deal, she'd have no idea how you've been feeling about it all week and I would imagine to her its just an opportunity to get to know someone she took an interest in a bit better and to see how it goes. That will explain the more casual attitude to responding to texts etc, it’s just not as big a deal to her at this stage. Now to you, it’s the opposite; minutes seem like hours while you're waiting to hear from her so you're not both coming at this from the same place.

There’s no commitment or promises of anything at this stage, give it a day or two and maybe ask one more time but keep your dignity on this. Remember she is only 23 too, that doesn't mean it can't work or that she is too young but it does make it a bit more likely that she could still be a bit flighty at that age. If it doesn't work out and you don't get that date let it go, take the positives, a good looking girl asked you out and a lot of guys would wait a lifetime for that to happen. Remember you've lost nearly half your body weight and that’s an incredible achievement so whatever happens with this girl don't be hard on yourself or let it undo all the hard work and dedication that must have taken. You should be bursting with new found confidence right now, so think how far you've come; you're a new man and starting to get more attention. Drop her a mail in a couple of days and see what she says, but don't get tunnel vision over her. Someone will come along as long as you don't stop looking and believe in yourself.

Yeah, you're making too big a fuss about this. It is a big deal, but just treat it as if she's important to you (too casual, and she feels brushed off), but the date isn't life or death. Stay in shape, don't get a depression eating binge or anything, and stay casual until it turns into something more. If it doesn't, shop around. Repeat this mantra, "I am worth it. I am a decent person, and I am healthy." (7 or more times) Treat people well, and don't be too desperate (lessons of experience) or too aloof (also lessons of experience, which is why I've largely given up dating).

 

[monkeysocks]

I can't really advise any further than anyone else has. Its the 'not knowing' which is harder to deal with than rejection in my opinion. If It was me I would attempt one last time to arrange something. Then take the call on what happens whether to close the book on this, especially if it is affecting your appetite and sleep.

Some women are just shy, she may also be worried that if it didn't work out between you, it could be awkward at work, but keep your mind open to all possibilities.

 

[OnlyMe]

Yeah, you're making too big a fuss about this. It is a big deal, but just treat it as if she's important to you (too casual, and she feels brushed off), but the date isn't life or death. Stay in shape, don't get a depression eating binge or anything, and stay casual until it turns into something more. If it doesn't, shop around. Repeat this mantra, "I am worth it. I am a decent person, and I am healthy." (7 or more times) Treat people well, and don't be too desperate (lessons of experience) or too aloof (also lessons of experience, which is why I've largely given up dating).

Good advice.

I definitely did make a big fuss of it which was probably the combination of the prospect of my first date since 2006 and the fact it was with a person who I have deep attraction to.

I seem to really struggle at being able to find the right combination of showing I care yet still being casual.

I still don't know why there has to be so many 'games' when it comes to dating.

If you like someone just tell them and if you're not interested just tell them.

I am still trying to understand how someone can be interested in you and then less than a week later the interest is gone (without having had a date)

I can't really advise any further than anyone else has. Its the 'not knowing' which is harder to deal with than rejection in my opinion. If It was me I would attempt one last time to arrange something. Then take the call on what happens whether to close the book on this, especially if it is affecting your appetite and sleep.

Some women are just shy, she may also be worried that if it didn't work out between you, it could be awkward at work, but keep your mind open to all possibilities.

Hi monkeysocks

Agree 100% that the not knowing is the worst part.

While I understand that some people might not like the idea of rejecting someone - they need to know that ignoring someone is much much worse.

In the past I have let these sort of situations drag on for weeks to months.

However that's not going to happen this time as I just can't put myself through it.

I never heard back from her last night and at work today didn't even get a 'sorry I missed your call'

So I have messaged her tonight outlining my interest in her and have basically asked her if we are both on the same wavelength when it comes to pursuing this.

 

[duff]

Yeah, you're making too big a fuss about this. It is a big deal, but just treat it as if she's important to you (too casual, and she feels brushed off), but the date isn't life or death. Stay in shape, don't get a depression eating binge or anything, and stay casual until it turns into something more. If it doesn't, shop around. Repeat this mantra, "I am worth it. I am a decent person, and I am healthy." (7 or more times) Treat people well, and don't be too desperate (lessons of experience) or too aloof (also lessons of experience, which is why I've largely given up dating).

Good advice.

I definitely did make a big fuss of it which was probably the combination of the prospect of my first date since 2006 and the fact it was with a person who I have deep attraction to.

I seem to really struggle at being able to find the right combination of showing I care yet still being casual.

I still don't know why there has to be so many 'games' when it comes to dating.

If you like someone just tell them and if you're not interested just tell them.

I am still trying to understand how someone can be interested in you and then less than a week later the interest is gone (without having had a date)

I can't really advise any further than anyone else has. Its the 'not knowing' which is harder to deal with than rejection in my opinion. If It was me I would attempt one last time to arrange something. Then take the call on what happens whether to close the book on this, especially if it is affecting your appetite and sleep.

Some women are just shy, she may also be worried that if it didn't work out between you, it could be awkward at work, but keep your mind open to all possibilities.

Hi monkeysocks

Agree 100% that the not knowing is the worst part.

While I understand that some people might not like the idea of rejecting someone - they need to know that ignoring someone is much much worse.

In the past I have let these sort of situations drag on for weeks to months.

However that's not going to happen this time as I just can't put myself through it.

I never heard back from her last night and at work today didn't even get a 'sorry I missed your call'

So I have messaged her tonight outlining my interest in her and have basically asked her if we are both on the same wavelength when it comes to pursuing this.

you did the right thing

 

[duff]

Yeah, you're making too big a fuss about this. It is a big deal, but just treat it as if she's important to you (too casual, and she feels brushed off), but the date isn't life or death. Stay in shape, don't get a depression eating binge or anything, and stay casual until it turns into something more. If it doesn't, shop around. Repeat this mantra, "I am worth it. I am a decent person, and I am healthy." (7 or more times) Treat people well, and don't be too desperate (lessons of experience) or too aloof (also lessons of experience, which is why I've largely given up dating).

Good advice.

I definitely did make a big fuss of it which was probably the combination of the prospect of my first date since 2006 and the fact it was with a person who I have deep attraction to.

I seem to really struggle at being able to find the right combination of showing I care yet still being casual.

I still don't know why there has to be so many 'games' when it comes to dating.

If you like someone just tell them and if you're not interested just tell them.

I am still trying to understand how someone can be interested in you and then less than a week later the interest is gone (without having had a date)

I can't really advise any further than anyone else has. Its the 'not knowing' which is harder to deal with than rejection in my opinion. If It was me I would attempt one last time to arrange something. Then take the call on what happens whether to close the book on this, especially if it is affecting your appetite and sleep.

Some women are just shy, she may also be worried that if it didn't work out between you, it could be awkward at work, but keep your mind open to all possibilities.

Hi monkeysocks

Agree 100% that the not knowing is the worst part.

While I understand that some people might not like the idea of rejecting someone - they need to know that ignoring someone is much much worse.

In the past I have let these sort of situations drag on for weeks to months.

However that's not going to happen this time as I just can't put myself through it.

I never heard back from her last night and at work today didn't even get a 'sorry I missed your call'

So I have messaged her tonight outlining my interest in her and have basically asked her if we are both on the same wavelength when it comes to pursuing this.

so what happened ?

 

[Milly]

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss and for having a cute girl show interest in you. That's great going and they're real, tangible things that you can use to build your confidence. Seriously, kudos for that.

Now I'm sorry if this next bit comes off as a little harsh but I'm genuinely trying to help and I don't think it'd do you any good to hear platitudes.

The one thing you don't want to come off as at the moment is needy. Look at this logically. She cancelled the date which is a bit crappy but you said yourself, she works 2 jobs - it doesn't seem too unreasonable to me that she's pushed for time and might possibly have been called into work. It happens and I know it's easy to think the worst but in this instance you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then you texted her and it turned out she'd replied quite soon after. That's good.

Not getting through to her isn't a problem of itself - people miss calls all the time, and they don't always phone back for all kinds of reasons - and I'm worried that you're now trying to force the issue by also texting her with some kind of ultimatum. It might not seem like that to you, but I'm pretty sure it will to her.

The reason people like to get together and spend time is because it's fun. She obviously likes you and thinks you're a good guy. But if you move from that in the space of a few days to texting, then phoning, then texting again to ask where you stand, you're moving way too fast. It's putting pressure on her when things should still be enjoyable and relaxed. To be horribly blunt, it's really not the thing you want to be doing.

I understand why you're doing it and believe me, I'm full of sympathy for you. This girl seems to be into you and I don't think it's fatal yet, but at the moment you're being your own worst enemy.

Good luck. I hope you get what you want. Like I say I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh but I don't think it's necessarily useful to tell you only what you want to hear.

 

[duff]

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss and for having a cute girl show interest in you. That's great going and they're real, tangible things that you can use to build your confidence. Seriously, kudos for that.

Now I'm sorry if this next bit comes off as a little harsh but I'm genuinely trying to help and I don't think it'd do you any good to hear platitudes.

The one thing you don't want to come off as at the moment is needy. Look at this logically. She cancelled the date which is a bit crappy but you said yourself, she works 2 jobs - it doesn't seem too unreasonable to me that she's pushed for time and might possibly have been called into work. It happens and I know it's easy to think the worst but in this instance you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then you texted her and it turned out she'd replied quite soon after. That's good.

Not getting through to her isn't a problem of itself - people miss calls all the time, and they don't always phone back for all kinds of reasons - and I'm worried that you're now trying to force the issue by also texting her with some kind of ultimatum. It might not seem like that to you, but I'm pretty sure it will to her.

The reason people like to get together and spend time is because it's fun. She obviously likes you and thinks you're a good guy. But if you move from that in the space of a few days to texting, then phoning, then texting again to ask where you stand, you're moving way too fast. It's putting pressure on her when things should still be enjoyable and relaxed. To be horribly blunt, it's really not the thing you want to be doing.

I understand why you're doing it and believe me, I'm full of sympathy for you. This girl seems to be into you and I don't think it's fatal yet, but at the moment you're being your own worst enemy.

Good luck. I hope you get what you want. Like I say I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh but I don't think it's necessarily useful to tell you only what you want to hear.

she may have found someone else, it happens.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

While I'm a little younger, a lot of your situation echoes mine, actually. I also used to be overweight and now I'm not, but still lack the confidence. Similarly inexperienced with girls and find many give really confusing flirty signals that don't clearly lead to any particular consensus on me.

I truly felt crushed and devastated as I can't remember the last time that I was looking forward to something this much. To be honest, I genuinely felt like crying because of how much emotional energy I had invested into it.

I can really empathise with this feeling. Recently I had a girl I'd known ages tell me she wanted to hang out with me (even to the point of saying "yes" enthusiastically when I asked her), only for her to suddenly not seem bothered about it a couple of days later.

That was a big deal to me, since I became emotionally involved purely on that original response quickly. I felt so bad I could scarcely concentrate on my work that evening.

I'm now learning that this is what you mustn't do. I don't know what your lady is thinking here, but just take things as they come.

Adopt a laid back stance on this. If she's mailing you like she did, she clearly has some interest in you. Whether as a friend or otherwise is uncertain. What you need to do is be casual about her not being able to make it, rather than seeing it as a critical blow to your happiness/self-image.

Since the lady in question in my scenario kind of lead me down a dead-end, I've just cooled off with her, got speaking to other girls who are less cryptic towards me...and she already seems more interested in being friendly with me again.

I think if you're just friendly to everyone you know like that without faltering it sends the message that you're available to other women too, and she'll perhaps consider that more carefully before she next cancels on you for whatever reason.

 

[soulseeker]

Why don't you talk to her and tell her what you have been through and what you feel. Be honest and be fearless. If she likes you seriously, she'd come to you and you guys can see the person inside each other. If not, forget her. Life is too short to waste on assumptions and presumptions in these matters. Keep your hope and keep looking. There is always someone who would love you the way you are.

 

[monkeysocks]

you sound in the right mind set over this. You do have my sympathy, I am a woman myself but I hate women who lead me on in any capacity.

If nothing comes of it - don't hate her just remember what she did and that you deserve far better.

 

[OnlyMe]

Thank you to everyone that has replied since my last post and as I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts I will be replying to all of you.

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss and for having a cute girl show interest in you. That's great going and they're real, tangible things that you can use to build your confidence. Seriously, kudos for that.

Now I'm sorry if this next bit comes off as a little harsh but I'm genuinely trying to help and I don't think it'd do you any good to hear platitudes.

The one thing you don't want to come off as at the moment is needy. Look at this logically. She cancelled the date which is a bit crappy but you said yourself, she works 2 jobs - it doesn't seem too unreasonable to me that she's pushed for time and might possibly have been called into work. It happens and I know it's easy to think the worst but in this instance you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then you texted her and it turned out she'd replied quite soon after. That's good.

Not getting through to her isn't a problem of itself - people miss calls all the time, and they don't always phone back for all kinds of reasons - and I'm worried that you're now trying to force the issue by also texting her with some kind of ultimatum. It might not seem like that to you, but I'm pretty sure it will to her.

The reason people like to get together and spend time is because it's fun. She obviously likes you and thinks you're a good guy. But if you move from that in the space of a few days to texting, then phoning, then texting again to ask where you stand, you're moving way too fast. It's putting pressure on her when things should still be enjoyable and relaxed. To be horribly blunt, it's really not the thing you want to be doing.

I understand why you're doing it and believe me, I'm full of sympathy for you. This girl seems to be into you and I don't think it's fatal yet, but at the moment you're being your own worst enemy.

Good luck. I hope you get what you want. Like I say I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh but I don't think it's necessarily useful to tell you only what you want to hear.

Hi Milly,

Thank you so much for your reply, it was extremely useful and I certainly don't consider it harsh at all.

My reason for posting on here is to get the ideas and thoughts of others and everyone has been great.

Generally I don't think of myself as a needy person [undefined=undefined]BUT[/undefined] I know that when it comes to women that I am interested in I definitely struggle to know how much contact (either phone / sms / e-mail) is the right amount and in the past I have no doubt that I have gone overboard and certainly could have given off that 'needy'

I genuinely understood why she had to cancel the date and while I was crushed I knew it was out of her control as I know she works a second job in the evenings. Unfortunately once the date was cancelled the fear of missing out / losing my chance with her seemed to kick in.

Two days ago we had a conversation at work in which she really opened up to me telling me about herself, her hobbies, her plans for the future. As I looked into her eyes it just seemed so right.

However her plans for the future involve moving to the UK sometime in 2013 to live with some of her relatives as she has had enough of living here in Australia.

I was shocked by this and I'll be honest when I say my first thought was 'What about us'

She said that was the start of her boring little story. I e-mailed a bit later at work telling her that it was far from boring and that I would love to hear the rest of it.

Later that night it wasn't the fact that she didn't answer or return my call - but when I saw her at work the next day she didn't even acknowledge I had called which gave me that horrible feeling that something wasn't right.

As a result I stayed away from her at work to try and give her space.

The message that I sent her last night was as follows (i'll remove her name as you never know when this forum could appear in Google search results
[undefined=undefined]
"Hey *********

How was your day?

I tried to call you last night but missed you.
The reason I was calling was to ask you out.

Last week you asked me if you were barking up the wrong tree and I told you that you weren't.

The fact is that I really like you and would love to take you out and I am pretty confident that you know this.

I'll ask you the same question that I you asked me

"Am I the one barking up the wrong tree"[/undefined]

It also triggered the horrible memories from a previous experience