My enemy is myself

[DarkSelene]

Thank you for sharing that.

It's true, we overthink and become paranoid with how we socialize, how we appear to others, if they'll hurt us by simply walking away or showing that they're not interested in what we have to say...

Today someone gave me a very simple advice "take one step at a time", I think it applies... That's what I'm going to start doing and maybe even find a way to socialize without so much anxiety, without being so closed off and quiet... maybe less honesty to the point of being rude. I'll try one little coffee break at a time...

 

[ladyforsaken]

Glad to see that it went well and that you enjoyed it too, it also goes to show you're not as bad as you often think you are. Gotta keep fighting those inner demons.

 

[Serenia]

I am really glad you had a nice time it taught you something too. That sounds like a fine day.

May I ask, do you think she might enjoy another coffee?

Not long at all.

 

[MisterLonely]

I don't want to be accused of writing an essay so I will keep this as brief as possible.

Thursday I had a nice ninety-minute coffee/talk with a co-worker of mine. It was unexpected on my part because about a month ago I did something for her on her computer to make it run a bit more efficiently and she wanted to buy me a coffee as a way of thanks.

It was very nice and I believe I held up my end of the conversation pretty good because she wasn't looking for an excuse to bolt out of there. It was really enjoyable and I must confess it is something I do not do every day.

What I took out of this was I think too much and psyche myself out of social situations. I have it in my head that it is going to be terrible and I am going to be a total failure and these thoughts build up and build up until I convince myself that I am going to mess up badly. What I expect and what actually happens is two different things.

Maybe by me writing this and sharing it someone here may realize that they too could be thinking too much in social situations.

That's it. I hope this wasn't too long.

Hey BeondShy,

Maybe this is a bit blunt and I could totally understand if it hasn't even come tomind for you, also I don't want to freak you out or make you change the way you are right now, but have you thought of the posibillity this co-worker might like you?

True, it could have been just a thank you or reaching out, but maybe it's actually more then that, don't know if you ever thought of this person like that either, but I'd just thought to mention it.

Anyway it's awesome you actually enjoyed yourself in a social situation, this person must be someone that you like and trust in one way or another.

Keep posting!

 

[BeyondShy]

I am really glad you had a nice time it taught you something too.  That sounds like a fine day.  

May I ask, do you think she might enjoy another coffee?

Not long at all.

I am very sure this was a one time thing.

Hey BeondShy,

Maybe this is a bit blunt and I could totally understand if it hasn't even come tomind for you, also I don't want to freak you out or make you change the way you are right now, but have you thought of the posibillity this co-worker might like you?

True, it could have been just a thank you or reaching out, but maybe it's actually more then that, don't know if you ever thought of this person like that either, but I'd just thought to mention it.

Anyway it's awesome you actually enjoyed yourself in a social situation, this person must be someone that you like and trust in one way or another.

Keep posting!

You didn't freak me out so it's all good. 

I did not consider anything happening between myself and this person because all I did for her was a favor. I did some minor computer work that she was not too confident to do herself. It was no big deal. This co-worker I am talking about is a married co-worker and for me that means that is off limits. I know a lot of people out there don't care if they get involved with a married person but I am not one of them. The girl I want to be with is going to have to be unattached.

Glad to see that it went well and that you enjoyed it too, it also goes to show you're not as bad as you often think you are. Gotta keep fighting those inner demons.

I read a quote somewhere a long time ago that went something like this. Worry is imagination misplaced.  That right there ladyforsaken is the story of my life.

 

[BeyondShy]

First forgive te many typiung errors that will be in this post. On Tuesday I got my right yhand operated on because I had carpal tunnel in it. Bac inSeptember I had my left hand done. Thsat was a harder surgery for me because I am left handed and I could not get round at all. This time my good hand is avaiable.

I will be layed up for awhile asn now I am very tire3d because I am on pain medication caslled hydocodone and that medication get me tired a lot (I sleep a lot after takin it) and it gets me dizzzy, loopy and disorienated. In other words it knocksd me out and just by looking at my typing I am not doing so good awake either. Also I have a 100 degree fever on top of it.

I wajhnt to thank the nice people in the chat area for asking about kme and how I felt especially Nilla Creme and Amy who both made some nice iunquiries. I appreciated it. I couldnot stay lomg yesterday afternoon because I was nodding off.

Thank you and take care.

 

[MisterLonely]

Hope everything went well and you'll feel better soon!

 

[ladyforsaken]

Take care and speedy recovery. Rest lots!

 

[BeyondShy]

Thank you MisterLonely and ladyforsaken.

 

[BeyondShy]

Well, between you and I and everyone else that reads this I just want to say that I am glad New Year's Eve is over and done with for another year.

It's not that I have anything against it. I like it as much as the next person. There was a fireworks display here and at every bar/nightclub/sports bar they rang in the New Year for all the customers that were there.

There is a sports bar not to far from me and I could have went there and this time I had no reason to use my time-worn excuse of being afraid to go. I've been to sports bars before and I kind of like them because they always got some game on for you to watch. So I sit back and watch and drink my root beer. Sometimes I even get drawn into other people's conversations especially when they start talking about trivia. Eventually someone will look at me and ask me to confirm if they are right. So, it's nice there. I'm comfortable there.

But New Year's Eve? I couldn't do it. I would have been just fine until the last ten seconds before midnight and then when the clock struck twelve the usual happens. Happy New Year! Hooray! And then the couples give each other a nice, long kiss. Right then I would have felt out of place with everyone cheering and kissing each other and me watching it happen.

And this is why I am glad it is the 2nd of January and I do not have to think about this for twelve more months.

I hope everyone here has a happy and healthy 2017. I think we all could use that, right?

 

[BeyondShy]

The last time I have been here was ten months ago when I was preparing to take a leave of absence because I was going to get my left elbow operated on. That one was a tough one because unlike the hand operations I had I needed to be on the hydrocodone more. That is a pill that I never want to take again. Talk about making you drowsy - that was it. So, I was going to return right after the elbow healed up but I was sidelined for most of the month of March and when I was finally able to type again with no pain I just started doing other things and one month lead to another and before I knew it ten months flew by. I missed a lot of people here although I know that people took the out-of-sight-out-of-mind attitude towards me. It's ok. It does bother me but it's fine. You just got to accept things sometimes.

I spent my time working and in my off time I made a few more of my online galleries. I am paid up until late 2019 for jAlbum (the hosting company) and I don't think I will renew. That's because 99% of the traffic that goes to that site is from myself. But I am proud of my work and that includes the baseball one from 2017. There is over 1,400 photos in that one and it took me most of the summer and I did not finish it until the series was over with.

I spend time on my galleries to help me not think about my loneliness. It even works sometimes. There are days when I ask myself what did I do to be so alone all the time and I have not found the answer. Now look, I am just writing this down because I want to get it out because I made this thread as kind of a journal for me to keep going back to so I can keep adding things to it. At least that was my original plan. But I know that no one gives a **** about what is going on with me because it just so happens to be about myself and not anybody else in here.

I know I had a hard time when I first got here. I was mistrustful and defensive. Just a few weeks after I joined someone who is no longer here called me "deplorable." That stung because I didn't expect it. It was not a decent beginning and people have held it over my head like an albatross ever since. I have missed some time here due to a number of surgeries that I have had but I have been an active member of this fine community. I have tried or at least I believe I have but I continue to still be on the outside even though when March rolls around I will be here three years.

You all have a good new years and if you get anything out of this post let it be this. Please be careful and smart and safe on New Year's Eve. If you have to drink have someone who can drive. Have a good new year.

 

[BeyondShy]

Since I don't have to worry about anyone replying in this thread I will just move on. Or maybe this part of the forum is just like the express yourself section and a lot of people don't go in here? Who knows? Well, we all know but let's pretend we don't.

There's a lot of people here that post what is bothering them or what's holding them back, etc, etc. I have read many of these kind of threads and I've tried to help via my posts when I could. I didn't laugh at the person's problems and it was always nice to see other people join in and put their opinion in too. But I have been very, very reluctant to do the same thing and post what really bothers me.

Even though this will get as many replies as my last post in here I'll try now. I have always wanted to fit in somewhere with a group. Service time for me did not count because when they told you to do something or go somewhere you did it right away and no questions asked. This was required for everyone so we were all in the same situation.

Anyway, I wanted to fit in somewhere and I wanted the people there to want me around. I know I can be mistrusting at times and reserved but that is how I am in real life. It doesn't make me a bad person and I always have people around me all the time when I work. People don't avoid me at all. I just tend to mind my own business. If someone comes up to me and starts talking to me I won't tell them to go away. I'll be as nice as I can because I appreciate the time I have with others.

My problem is this. I welcome people talking to me. I want them to and I make them feel comfortable doing it. But in the back of my mind I have to wonder this. Why did they choose me to talk to? What do they want and will they end up laughing at me about something after it is over? I want to be with people but at the same time I consciously back away.

Well that's it. Thank you for not reading.

 

[Volt]

I have read your post, but i don't think i have anything of value to add.

 

[VanillaCreme]

My problem is this. I welcome people talking to me. I want them to and I make them feel comfortable doing it. But in the back of my mind I have to wonder this. Why did they choose me to talk to? What do they want and will they end up laughing at me about something after it is over? I want to be with people but at the same time I consciously back away.

Well that's it. Thank you for not reading.

This is not very welcoming. It's probably not considered comfortable either to have someone be so passive aggressive. Thank you for not reading? If I were an overly sensitive person, I'd probably call this being rude. I don't personally consider it rude, but I also wouldn't talk to someone who's so dismissive.

 

[MisterLonely]

Gaining trust is hard work, as is giving it, I don't think you are not deserving of trust, the post I've seen of you are all good posts, you make efforts and I for one appreciate your commitment to this community despite the lack of results it has gotten you. 

Not everyone can answer the sometimes very loaded questions any of us post, I'll promise to try for you because you are trying yourself.

 

[BeyondShy]

I have read your post, but i don't think i have anything of value to add.

That's ok by me. Thank you for reading. I honestly appreciate it.

My problem is this. I welcome people talking to me. I want them to and I make them feel comfortable doing it. But in the back of my mind I have to wonder this. Why did they choose me to talk to? What do they want and will they end up laughing at me about something after it is over? I want to be with people but at the same time I consciously back away.

Well that's it. Thank you for not reading.

This is not very welcoming. It's probably not considered comfortable either to have someone be so passive aggressive. Thank you for not reading? If I were an overly sensitive person, I'd probably call this being rude. I don't personally consider it rude, but I also wouldn't talk to someone who's so dismissive.

Passive aggressive? I give you props in using that term to use against me to make it seem that everything that I have written here is of my doing and is my fault. You seem to have only read the last sentence of my post and disregarded the rest of it. It seems so since you only focused on the last five words of my post. I tried to open up but that's all you got out of it. I'm passive aggressive. Hey, at least you read it Nilla. Thank you for that.

Gaining trust is hard work, as is giving it, I don't think you are not deserving of trust, the post I've seen of you are all good posts, you make efforts and I for one appreciate your commitment to this community despite the lack of results it has gotten you. 

Not everyone can answer the sometimes very loaded questions any of us post, I'll promise to try for you because you are trying yourself.

You are so right. Gaining trust is hard work. I know that all too well. And I am deserving of trust but these people here give me nothing and I'm talking about most of them out there who enjoy acting like I am not there. I've tried and do not know what else to do. I think they enjoy what they are doing.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Drop it. Forget past and future. Come here, to the present, its the only that exists. There is nothing that can be done about the past, it is impossible, so stop wasting energy on it.

 

[BeyondShy]

Drop it. Forget past and future. Come here, to the present, its the only that exists. There is nothing that can be done about the past, it is impossible, so stop wasting energy on it.

That's another thing that people say that is easier said than done. I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse but I have a very good memory, so when people say or do something to me I don't forget it even though they do after years go by. I agree that the present is the most important thing but I tend to take things very personal so it is hard.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Gaining trust is hard work, as is giving it, I don't think you are not deserving of trust, the post I've seen of you are all good posts, you make efforts and I for one appreciate your commitment to this community despite the lack of results it has gotten you. 

Not everyone can answer the sometimes very loaded questions any of us post, I'll promise to try for you because you are trying yourself.

You are so right. Gaining trust is hard work. I know that all too well. And I am deserving of trust but these people here give me nothing and I'm talking about most of them out there who enjoy acting like I am not there. I've tried and do not know what else to do. I think they enjoy what they are doing.

STOP acting like you know why people do anything.  STOP acting like you know if someone does something or not.  STOP acting like you know what people are thinking. 
You don't.  You never will and 99.9% of the time you will be wrong in assuming you do. 
I don't really know how to get it into your thick skull that it's YOU pushing people away.  Posting honeysuckle like "Thank you for not reading" or playing the victim or throwing yourself a **** pity party does not make people want to talk to you.  Oh and you are passive aggressive. Perhaps you should look it up since you don't seem to understand what it means.  And no, I didn't call you stupid.

 

[BeyondShy]

STOP acting like you know why people do anything.  STOP acting like you know if someone does something or not.  STOP acting like you know what people are thinking.  You don't.  You never will and 99.9% of the time you will be wrong in assuming you do.  I don't really know how to get it into your thick skull that it's YOU pushing people away.  Posting honeysuckle like "Thank you for not reading" or playing the victim or throwing yourself a **** pity party does not make people want to talk to you.  Oh and you are passive aggressive. Perhaps you should look it up since you don't seem to understand what it means.  And no, I didn't call you stupid.

I have never been called passive aggressive until I joined this forum. And I did look it up the first time someone said it to me. I am impressed with this term that you guys use in here to put people down.

I don't have a very good idea why people do anything. Half the time they don't know themselves. But in here when things happen again and again and again the same way you begin to see a pattern. They have pushed me away in here and no matter what you say this is what has taken place. I am not now going to go over things when I first joined because they're done with and I am still paying for them. These people are probably a bit like me and they've been treated like an outcast in real life. The only difference is now they are turning it around on me.