My Feelings Right Now

[Elixir]

Hi everyone,

I just thought I’d share what’s on my mind regarding relationships at the moment, maybe someone can relate to my feelings & thoughts right now.

I’ve recently been dumped by my first proper long term girlfriend after being with her for 3 and a half years. The relationship was never what I would call “stable”, the trust was definitely there (we trusted eachother 100% & there wasn’t ever anyone else even remotely involved), but everything else had it’s flaws. I’d broken up with her myself twice previously due to her calling the shots & refusing to compromise, she vowed to change & when I thought she finally had she decided to lose interest in me instead, knocking me back every time I tried to give her a bit of affection, never making conversation with me & being more interested in social networking rather than speaking to me. I realise now I was too oblivious to realise said flaws at the time, little things like not waiting for me to come round to watch our favourite TV shows together, always wanting pictures by herself on holiday, taking my name off her Twitter account… I just took all this as “normal” because I was stuck in such a rut that I failed to realise that I was actually pretty lonely in this relationship & it took a shock to the system i.e. breaking up to realise this.

What I’ve found difficult since the break-up is adapting back to single life. Being in this relationship basically masked all the other problems that I had, drinking too much, gambling too much, living outside of my means, not making the effort for friend, being stuck in a dead-end job & I didn’t do anything about any of them because being with someone gave me that little boost of “happiness” to not care about anything else.

So now I feel quite alone. I’ve spent the past 2 months trying to rebuild old friendships, get out & socialise more, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. My emotions are like a yoyo right now, for example this morning I was pretty down in the dumps about things but right now as I type this I’m feeling OK.

I don’t want my ex back by any means, it was a bad relationship & we were 2 completely separate people personality wise, even though we did have similar interests we clashed too much & it got to a point where it felt pointless to even try to seem interested in the relationship.

What I’ve learnt from this particular relationship (even though it was the first one that lasted more than a couple of months) is that every now & again you need to take a step back & realise what you have in life, & don’t let anything mask anything else. Being happy with yourself is just as important as being happy with your partner. Work on every aspect of your life, don’t get stuck in a rut, & don’t take anything for granted because life can throw anything your way at any given moment.

As for the break-up in general, it hurts yes, but don’t put breaking up with someone on the back-burner just because you’re afraid of the break-up feelings. I did this for months before I finally grew a pair & did it. I wish it would’ve ended back then rather than dragging out for a couple more years, but that’s life. Don’t fight your feelings, embrace them, pretending they aren’t there doesn’t do you any good & they will surface in the future if you don’t deal with them there & then.

At the moment I'm concentrating on sorting myself out, addressing my problems & trying to find my purpose in life.

Sorry for the length of this, but perhaps this might enlighten one or two people, or maybe they can relate to my feelings right now. Feel free to contact me if you want to chat more on the subject.

I'm looking forward to one day looking back on this thread & feeling much better about things!

 

[The Good Citizen]

Elixir,

I've read plenty of threads from people in your situation on here and thats just a really good post and without wanting to sound patronizing shows plenty of maturity given you've not been through this before. You seem to have it all in pespective and given it plenty of soul searching so hopefully things will look up for you from now on.

 

[Elixir]

Thanks TGC, it helped writing my feelings down even though I'm sure there have been many threads like this. Reading various threads on here has really helped me

 

[VanillaCreme]

Not to be a total ass, Elixir, but it seems to me there were other people involved. Not on the line of cheating, but if a person is completely into the social networking thing, a lot of them tend to bring others into what they're doing and thinking. Not saying it's wrong to be on Facebook or Twitter or anything, but too many people take it way too serious.

 

[Elixir]

Thanks VC.

Yes, when I said there wasn't anyone else involved, I meant physically as in cheating. I must admit though, towards the end of the relationship I was feeling more & more insecure, wondering if she was seeing someone else because she wasn't showing me any affection. I know she wasn't but I shouldn't have been made to feel like that. I obviously know now that she was just trying to "get over me" whilst still actually being with me. Things like changing her desktop background & phone background from me to something else, never sounding interested on the phone & brushing away any signs of affection I tried to give. It kinda epitemises it when I tell you that after 3 and a half years together our break-up was a 10 minute phone conversation with no prior arguments.

In hindsight I know what the main reason why we broke-up was. When I first got with her she was seen as a bit of an outcast, an emo/goth type girl, we were both in that sort of cliche. As time went on we both grew out of that & suddenly all of these guys who previously laughed at her started giving her attention which was something she never had before. As I mentioned in my original post, she waited until something better came along & just backpacked her feelings & moved onto the next person. I do feel hard done by in a sense because I think of myself as a nice genuine guy, it's just hard to see light at the end of the tunnel right now.

The only thing I'm missing at the moment is someone just "being there". Ya know, when you see something funny in the street or hear something amusing on the news, you can just have a conversation about it or send them a text. I feel lonely, it's a feeling I'm not used to. I have friends, 3 or 4 really close ones & a few others who I see every couple of weeks, but it seems as though no-one really cares because everyone has been there before & they all have their own lives/issues going on. It gets annoying after a while when everyone keeps saying "give it time, you'll be fine". Time is ok, but after seeing my Dad succumb to depression last year it's what you do with that time.

My phone isn't ringing any less than it was before, & I'm really working hard on sorting out the other problems in my life, but to me finding proper love is everything & that will complete me. Human nature causes me to want it right now, & although I know that won't happen right now it's always in the back of my mind, which draws me to thoughts of my ex, even though I know I wasn't in love with her, I just settled for a nice girl who I could tolerate being around for

 

[Sleeper]

The exact same thing happen to me...but my relationship lasted only 2,5 years. She was an outcast when i met here but as we grew up and facebook became popular she found out that a lot of guys like her so she went for another one, better looking than me but he dumped her after 2 weeks...I dont know what is she doing now as i stopped caring but it hurts even after 3 months I still feel a bit of emptyness inside my soul though.

It hurts more when i think we had nearly same beliefs but she changed, she started to take advices from her friends that know what is love because ..yeah ...their longest relationships were few months.

{Sry for the wall of text and my english]

 

[Elixir]

Hi Sleeper,

It happens I'm afraid. I too don't know what she's doing now as I took the "no contact" route i.e. accepted it was over straight away, cut all ties, deleted Facebook/Twitter & told my friends that I didn't want to know anything about her. I'm not bitter because I didn't want to be in a relationship like that, I wished her well & I hope she finds happiness, this is just my way of getting over things & moving on. It's what's best for me right now.

Although like you, I do wonder if I'll ever meet someone like her again, I know it happens, but it's just keeping the faith

I hope things work out for you my friend.

 

[Mikey193]

Thanks VC.

Yes, when I said there wasn't anyone else involved, I meant physically as in cheating. I must admit though, towards the end of the relationship I was feeling more & more insecure, wondering if she was seeing someone else because she wasn't showing me any affection. I know she wasn't but I shouldn't have been made to feel like that. I obviously know now that she was just trying to "get over me" whilst still actually being with me. Things like changing her desktop background & phone background from me to something else, never sounding interested on the phone & brushing away any signs of affection I tried to give. It kinda epitemises it when I tell you that after 3 and a half years together our break-up was a 10 minute phone conversation with no prior arguments.

In hindsight I know what the main reason why we broke-up was. When I first got with her she was seen as a bit of an outcast, an emo/goth type girl, we were both in that sort of cliche. As time went on we both grew out of that & suddenly all of these guys who previously laughed at her started giving her attention which was something she never had before. As I mentioned in my original post, she waited until something better came along & just backpacked her feelings & moved onto the next person. I do feel hard done by in a sense because I think of myself as a nice genuine guy, it's just hard to see light at the end of the tunnel right now.

The only thing I'm missing at the moment is someone just "being there". Ya know, when you see something funny in the street or hear something amusing on the news, you can just have a conversation about it or send them a text. I feel lonely, it's a feeling I'm not used to. I have friends, 3 or 4 really close ones & a few others who I see every couple of weeks, but it seems as though no-one really cares because everyone has been there before & they all have their own lives/issues going on. It gets annoying after a while when everyone keeps saying "give it time, you'll be fine". Time is ok, but after seeing my Dad succumb to depression last year it's what you do with that time.

My phone isn't ringing any less than it was before, & I'm really working hard on sorting out the other problems in my life, but to me finding proper love is everything & that will complete me. Human nature causes me to want it right now, & although I know that won't happen right now it's always in the back of my mind, which draws me to thoughts of my ex, even though I know I wasn't in love with her, I just settled for a nice girl who I could tolerate being around for

I know how that feels. It sucks

 

[Astral_Punisher]

It kinda epitemises it when I tell you that after 3 and a half years together our break-up was a 10 minute phone conversation with no prior arguments...

Well, at least there wasn't any arguments - It could have been much more 'messy', with lashing out and yelling.

I'm happy for you, actually. You've taken a big step towards finding a person that will appreciate you and love you for who you are.
By 'rebuilding' your life, I think you're on the fast track to making yourself strong and capable.

Chicks dig Strong, Capable men! ;-)

Hi Sleeper,

It happens I'm afraid. I too don't know what she's doing now as I took the "no contact" route i.e. accepted it was over straight away, cut all ties, deleted Facebook/Twitter & told my friends that I didn't want to know anything about her. I'm not bitter because I didn't want to be in a relationship like that, I wished her well & I hope she finds happiness, this is just my way of getting over things & moving on. It's what's best for me right now.

Although like you, I do wonder if I'll ever meet someone like her again, I know it happens, but it's just keeping the faith

I hope things work out for you my friend.

When I broke up with my last girlfriend, I did not go the 'clean cut' route. I still to this day regret having that 'sub-relationship' simmering in my life, boiling away all the fun and enjoyment I could have had. She used me for months after that, lead me on, it really sucked.

It seems like you've cut off all contact with her, so just keep to the path - rebuild your life and focus on making yourself as strong as you can.

Good luck, and let us know how you are making out, ok? .

 

[Elixir]

Hi Astral_Punisher,

Yes I certainly will. I'm getting better day by day, it's just figuring out what to do with my life that's the problem! I have no ties whatsoever, no loans, credit card, mortgage, debts, mortgage etc.. etc.. so I can literally do anything I want, but I have no idea what!

Just taking things one day at a time, staying positive & looking forward to what's around the corner. I think I'm over the worst of it now

 

[Astral_Punisher]

I would recommend doing what interests you!

If you like books, join a reading group.
If you like sports, join a casual sports team (a 'beer league' perhaps?).
If you like cars, join a local car club.

Anything you get you out of the house, and meeting and connecting with new people that share your tastes.

I, for example, run a writing group that I meet with every 2nd weekend. It gives me a chance to get out of the house, and see people that I can talk with about my writing, and connect with on a fairly strong social level.

Try going to www.meetup.com, and looking for local groups on your area. There are plenty of people there that simply want to 'connect' with people, and have good positive social interactions!

I think you're doing great. Keep it up!