My life is a mess...

[saf_lonely]

Hi. I'm 21 years old. My life is lonely. It was like that for a long time. I only had 2 true friends in my entire life, and they left in other cities for college. I remained in my city. I've never had a girlfriend. I never kissed a girl before. I'm very scared of girls. I know that it sounds stupid, and maybe it is but I can't help it. One guy told me once "why are you scared of them? they're not gonna eat you..." When I want to talk to a girl my voice gets shaky, I start sweating, all I can't think about is "what should I say now? What shoud I say now?" and I end up saying nothing, or something stupid. I'm afraid to go in places with many women. When colleagues ask me to go out with them and tell me that there will be girls too, I get really shaky, and I think I have panic attacks to be fair.
Most of my friends and colleagues moved on with their lives. They have jobs and serious relationships, and I can't get one. I retreat from the real world in video games and movies. It's like a part of me doesn't want to grow up.
I keep asking myself why is this happening to me. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old, and I lived with my mother most of the time. I'm thinking that maybe I was missing the "father figure".
What do you think?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey there, welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry that you're really scared of girls. But how does the lack of a father figure cause that? I don't quite see the link. :\

 

[saf_lonely]

Hey there, welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry that you're really scared of girls. But how does the lack of a father figure cause that? I don't quite see the link. :\

I don't know. Maybe not having a male model in my life. Seeing him interacting with women, and talking to them.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't know. Maybe not having a male model in my life. Seeing him interacting with women, and talking to them.

Do you not see that with other people? Your friends?

 

[saf_lonely]

I don't know. Maybe not having a male model in my life. Seeing him interacting with women, and talking to them.

Do you not see that with other people? Your friends?

Well, I guess I do. If it's not that, I don't know what it could be. Maybe I am cursed...

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

Hello there, I have a friend with quite a few simlaritys to you,his father never showed much compassion towards him or his mother he never saw them kiss of be affectionate towards eachother ever, so he grew up not being able to relate to girls, now im not sure if its the same scenario for u but i can see certain smilaritys in some of the discriptions u posted, he was a nervous wreck around girls & he plays loads of video games & even beacame a programmer perposely to consume all his time as a reason to neva meet girls

 

[saf_lonely]

Hello there, I have a friend with quite a few simlaritys to you,his father never showed much compassion towards him or his mother he never saw them kiss of be affectionate towards eachother ever, so he grew up not being able to relate to girls, now im not sure if its the same scenario for u but i can see certain smilaritys in some of the discriptions u posted, he was a nervous wreck around girls & he plays loads of video games & even beacame a programmer perposely to consume all his time as a reason to neva meet girls

I thought several times what should I do, and I was considering devoting my life to a project that needs abstinence or something, since I can't approach any women.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

well thats deffinatly your choice but have u considered maybe like joining sum sort of social group? Find a hobby that involves mixing with others on a weekly basis that way u can gradualy ease ur self into getting used to just being around girls then eventualy becoming comfortable to start talking with them, laughing & having fun is such a great way to break the ice too, give it a try!

 

[AutumgGypsy]

I really don't think its a lack of a father figure in your life. My mother is extremely outgoing and talkative, and I've grown up watching her and they way she interacts with people. Am I like that though? Not even close. I know how you feel completely about that fear of talking to people. My biggest problem is I blush right away. Then I think about the fact they can SEE i'm blushing and then I blush more..haha. Just keep at it though, and don't give up. I don't know if it will help you but I like to repeat things to myself like "I'm normal" or "I'm not a loser" or "What's the worst that can happen?" and these reminders make me feel less nervous.

 

[Mike413]

My life is definitely a mess. I am in my forties, never been married or anything even close, no relationship at all at the moment. I have one friend who is rather casual who I don't see or talk to that much(maybe once a month on average at the most). Also, I have no job and no real income and spend most of my time by myself. My brother one time said I have a "crappy life." Well in some ways he's right. I try to make the most of it but it can be a real challenge. I see good things over the horizon though.

 

[Cavey]

Once upon a time, I was much like you. My friends from my childhood had moved on and I had little experience with the opposite sex bar a few minor girlfriends when I was in my mid teens. I retreated into a dream world of video games and TV. I felt socially awkward and I thought that I would never meet anyone.

Then in 1996 I got this new-fangled thing called the Internet. I stopped concentrating on my deficiencies and stopped longing for a relationship and just concentrated on having fun. It was while playing a word based game called Acrophobia that I met a wonderful girl. We met during 1998 and although awkward at first, we fell in love and were married in 2000. That relationship has now ended, but I wouldn't change the time we spent together for the world.

What I am saying to you is to never give up and not to put so much importance on being in a relationship. Love often happens when you least expect it...

 

[ladyforsaken]

Love often happens when you least expect it...

People often say this.. and so have I. But then you wonder.. what is love really? If it only comes.. and goes.

 

[Cavey]

Love often happens when you least expect it...

People often say this.. and so have I. But then you wonder.. what is love really? If it only comes.. and goes.

I like to think that even if a relationship ends, that we learn something new about love and about ourselves. We carry that knowledge into our next relationship and it gives us a better chance of making it last.

I can't profess to know what love really is, but I know that I'm usually happier when I'm in it...

 

[9006]

I like to think that even if a relationship ends, that we learn something new about love and about ourselves. We carry that knowledge into our next relationship and it gives us a better chance of making it last.

Where I'm from, it seems that barely anyone thinks on this level, either that or they get stuck in some sort of cycle of disastrous relationships.

 

[Regumika]

Hi. I'm 21 years old. My life is lonely. It was like that for a long time. I only had 2 true friends in my entire life, and they left in other cities for college. I remained in my city. I've never had a girlfriend. I never kissed a girl before. I'm very scared of girls. I know that it sounds stupid, and maybe it is but I can't help it. One guy told me once "why are you scared of them? they're not gonna eat you..." When I want to talk to a girl my voice gets shaky, I start sweating, all I can't think about is "what should I say now? What shoud I say now?" and I end up saying nothing, or something stupid. I'm afraid to go in places with many women. When colleagues ask me to go out with them and tell me that there will be girls too, I get really shaky, and I think I have panic attacks to be fair.
Most of my friends and colleagues moved on with their lives. They have jobs and serious relationships, and I can't get one. I retreat from the real world in video games and movies. It's like a part of me doesn't want to grow up.
I keep asking myself why is this happening to me. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old, and I lived with my mother most of the time. I'm thinking that maybe I was missing the "father figure".
What do you think?

sounds just like my life. except before my parents divorced my dad was never around. my mom was basically single mother for as long as i can remember. moving to the US knowing only basic vocabulary at 9. computer and video games all throughout middle and high school. never went to dances. didnt go to graduation. never had a GF. Sat in the front of my classrooms. didnt talk to people during lunch time. my few friends also went their own way. gamers.

i dont think lack of 'father figure' has much do to with it as mentioned. how did i get out? internet. voice chat. if you cant do it in person, do it online first. play games with them.

 

[perfanoff]

On the contrary I feel the lack of a father figure has a big influence.

I'm keen to hear from other males who didn't have their father around, and how they turned out.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

On the contrary I feel the lack of a father figure has a big influence.

I'm keen to hear from other males who didn't have their father around, and how they turned out.

I totaly agree the lack of a father figure has a great influence in a young mans life, where Im from its common to see single parents raising familys, I have many friends and cousins grow up without fathers & most of them are hard hearted, abusive & in and out of the prison system, My own father left when I was in the womb so I never knew the love of a father and son relationship, I can honestly say It affected me greatly, as a teen I became rebelious and my mother could no longer discipline me as I had developed a lack of repspect for her & all authority, after many troublesome incidents she sent me off to live with my dad so that he could take some responsibility in raising me but by then he was years to late, I was full of anger & hate & felt a strong need to be wanted it wasnt healthy & I developed abandonment issuses, made alot of relationship mistakes, what I thort was love was very far from it, to cut a long story short I believe if I had of had a loving father in my life maybe I would have been a more stable individual growing up.


Just a few stats I found to show how serious this issue is.
~US Youth Statistics 1990 -2013~
60% of youth suicides come from fatherless homes
90% of homeless and runaway children come from fatherless homes
85% of children with behaviour problems come from fatherless homes
80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes
71% of highschool drop outs come from fatherless homes
Children raised in the absence of their biological fathers (are on average ) 2-3 times more likely to be poor, use drugs suffer from behavioural, educational, emotional and health problems child abuse & more inclined to engage in criminal behaviour than their peers who live with bothe their married, adopted or biological parents.

 

[perfanoff]

Abusing video games would fall over "use drugs suffer from behavioural, educational, emotional and health problems" in specific it's a behavioral problem. So 2-3 times more likely. Huh.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

yeah, I believe so

 

[saf_lonely]

What I am saying to you is to never give up and not to put so much importance on being in a relationship. Love often happens when you least expect it...

Oh but I didn't. I never was that guys that is constantly looking for a relationship. I waited, and waited, and waited, until now. I will turn 22 soon and I feel that my life is passing by me without me taking advantage of it. I see 40 years old peoples here with similar problems as me. With all due respect, I don't want to end up like them. This is not life...