I feel like my friends are sick of listening to me, and I don't really talk to my family so I didn't know where else to go. I've come here just to tell you all a little bit about my current life and my feelings. I hear it helps to talk about it. Word of warning, this will be pretty long.
Hmmm, what's first.... Ah, I'm 17 and live in a place of no concern to anyone here haha. Oh and I'm a boy. Lately I've been feeling particularly lonely, for the past year I've felt very isolated. It was the first year of college here, and I got split up from all my friends who either went to a private college, which my family couldn't afford to send me to, or were a year lower than I am.
So there I was at this lame public college. I hope I don't sound arrogant, but I'm pretty smart, and this school was filled with a lot of chavs/deros/bogans, whatever you call them, they're basically the type of people who drink every day and are violent towards almost everyone. I'm also a dancer and a singer, so you can only imagine how much I didn't fit in. Basically it was a year filled with me sitting on the fringe of my older brother's (who I don't get along particularly well with) friendship circle and feeling lonely. I suspect that's why so few of them wanted to talk to me, further increasing those feelings. Loneliness can be a vicious cycle, as I'm sure we all know. I almost stopped conversing with most of my friends from high school, bar my two best friends who I stayed relatively close to, but almost never saw.
Around the middle of the year, I was introduced by one of them to a person who became my first real girlfriend. Life was great, for a time. After about two weeks she decided we shouldn't go out any more because she had too many commitments already. In fairness to her, she did. We remained friends after that but didn't see each other often. A few days ago I went to her going away party, she's moving interstate for a performing arts scholarship. She leaves tomorrow. We were as great friends as ever at the party, and again that was a fantastic time.
I feel like I should care... But my current state of mind has me not caring about anything. She's still one of the most important people in my life, but I just don't feel anything. It's just another person leaving me. I feel so lonely all the time now, when I talk to anyone I'm just such a damn loser. I'm insulting and pessimistic about everything. I can see that I'd be terrible to talk to.
I was so happy and joyful in high school, now I'm just a shadow of that. It feels as though that's the real me but he just doesn't surface these days. It's like nobody likes me, nobody cares or wants to get to know me, and my current friends are annoyed with me, leaving or already left. Devoid of love, I guess. I just hate having so little people around me. I'm very social so I just hate this with everything inside. I hate me too. Almost every second night I cry about my life and my social situation, it just feels so pathetic. I think I am too. A damn loser. So because of this I'm so self conscious and un-confident. It's gotten to the stage where even if I got invited somewhere I wouldn't want to go, because I think I'd bring the mood down. It's holidays now, and I've had an entire three social commitments. One was a haircut, another was my friends leaving party, and the third was my little brother's 16th. Oh and what else? My two best friends and I had new years plans just to stay at my house, but on the day, around 5pm they both texted me saying they aren't coming any more because they found parties to go to. They didn't even invite me either. Sigh.
Life feels pointless these days. After all, isn't the purpose of life to be happy? To feel you've lived a worthwhile life? I sure as hell think neither of those apply to me. I don't have many friends, and I can't make them because nobody wants to be friends with a sad person like me. It's not like I'm hideous or smell badly or anything, I'm actually kind of borderline attractive. Huh. Guess that's one positive thing I've said about me.
I got my college results back a few weeks ago too. I got the top scores in the state for Dance and Choreography and Maths Applied while being in year 11. Yay me. I guess that's something to be proud of too. But with no one to share it with, it just feels pointless... :/
I don't feel like I can break out of this cycle, that I'll ever make more friends or succeed in the future because I'm so damn sad all the time. I just hate this. I hate it so much..... I think I write almost essay like? So some of that may have seemed a bit void of emotion, but trust me, I feel it so much. Every day.
So there's my strung out life for all to see. I hope at least one of you read that. That's all I want. It feels good to have said all that actually, so thanks already =)
Also; free hugs to anyone who's sad or has ever been sad. Or just anyone at all haha. I know hugs always make me feel better, even if it's just over the internet. =)
*HUGS!*
EDIT: Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I just got caught up writing it.
Hmmm, what's first.... Ah, I'm 17 and live in a place of no concern to anyone here haha. Oh and I'm a boy. Lately I've been feeling particularly lonely, for the past year I've felt very isolated. It was the first year of college here, and I got split up from all my friends who either went to a private college, which my family couldn't afford to send me to, or were a year lower than I am.
So there I was at this lame public college. I hope I don't sound arrogant, but I'm pretty smart, and this school was filled with a lot of chavs/deros/bogans, whatever you call them, they're basically the type of people who drink every day and are violent towards almost everyone. I'm also a dancer and a singer, so you can only imagine how much I didn't fit in. Basically it was a year filled with me sitting on the fringe of my older brother's (who I don't get along particularly well with) friendship circle and feeling lonely. I suspect that's why so few of them wanted to talk to me, further increasing those feelings. Loneliness can be a vicious cycle, as I'm sure we all know. I almost stopped conversing with most of my friends from high school, bar my two best friends who I stayed relatively close to, but almost never saw.
Around the middle of the year, I was introduced by one of them to a person who became my first real girlfriend. Life was great, for a time. After about two weeks she decided we shouldn't go out any more because she had too many commitments already. In fairness to her, she did. We remained friends after that but didn't see each other often. A few days ago I went to her going away party, she's moving interstate for a performing arts scholarship. She leaves tomorrow. We were as great friends as ever at the party, and again that was a fantastic time.
I feel like I should care... But my current state of mind has me not caring about anything. She's still one of the most important people in my life, but I just don't feel anything. It's just another person leaving me. I feel so lonely all the time now, when I talk to anyone I'm just such a damn loser. I'm insulting and pessimistic about everything. I can see that I'd be terrible to talk to.
I was so happy and joyful in high school, now I'm just a shadow of that. It feels as though that's the real me but he just doesn't surface these days. It's like nobody likes me, nobody cares or wants to get to know me, and my current friends are annoyed with me, leaving or already left. Devoid of love, I guess. I just hate having so little people around me. I'm very social so I just hate this with everything inside. I hate me too. Almost every second night I cry about my life and my social situation, it just feels so pathetic. I think I am too. A damn loser. So because of this I'm so self conscious and un-confident. It's gotten to the stage where even if I got invited somewhere I wouldn't want to go, because I think I'd bring the mood down. It's holidays now, and I've had an entire three social commitments. One was a haircut, another was my friends leaving party, and the third was my little brother's 16th. Oh and what else? My two best friends and I had new years plans just to stay at my house, but on the day, around 5pm they both texted me saying they aren't coming any more because they found parties to go to. They didn't even invite me either. Sigh.
Life feels pointless these days. After all, isn't the purpose of life to be happy? To feel you've lived a worthwhile life? I sure as hell think neither of those apply to me. I don't have many friends, and I can't make them because nobody wants to be friends with a sad person like me. It's not like I'm hideous or smell badly or anything, I'm actually kind of borderline attractive. Huh. Guess that's one positive thing I've said about me.
I got my college results back a few weeks ago too. I got the top scores in the state for Dance and Choreography and Maths Applied while being in year 11. Yay me. I guess that's something to be proud of too. But with no one to share it with, it just feels pointless... :/
I don't feel like I can break out of this cycle, that I'll ever make more friends or succeed in the future because I'm so damn sad all the time. I just hate this. I hate it so much..... I think I write almost essay like? So some of that may have seemed a bit void of emotion, but trust me, I feel it so much. Every day.
So there's my strung out life for all to see. I hope at least one of you read that. That's all I want. It feels good to have said all that actually, so thanks already =)
Also; free hugs to anyone who's sad or has ever been sad. Or just anyone at all haha. I know hugs always make me feel better, even if it's just over the internet. =)
*HUGS!*
EDIT: Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I just got caught up writing it.
