My nature is... disgusting and sinful...

[CenotaphGirl]

Ranting, venting, no need to respond but this fight literally just happened last night and I have been up all night just stewing....

So the ultimate difference between my fella and me is I think he pushes me closer to god and he thinks I pull him away.
My partner told me since being with me he feels like my nature is pulling him away from god. This broke my heart.
We both follow the lord, my partner feels because I am a woman, I am a temptress and he feels I enjoy making him a hypocrite.

I do not enjoy such negative things, however, I have been happy he changed his mind on certain things but I never knew changing your mind made you a hypocrite.
He tells me he feels forced to change his mind about things when he knows he shouldn't because of how tempting I am and that he often experiences guilt.
The guilt he feels is intense and he said he turned off his phone all day because he didnt want to talk to me...

In all honesty, I didnt notice that he spoke to me less that day, I was probably too busy thinking about myself, and I take accountability for that.
I feel hurt he turned his phone off instead of talking to me about whatever it is I am doing wrong.
Then I felt angry when he told me what I was doing wrong because it's like im literally not doing anything.
So one example is, I was sitting on a pillow/bean bag on my knees with my head on his lap watching a movie, he felt like I sat in that way because I was implying I worship him and other things... I was genuinely just chilling... I have noooo idea what he's talking about. I cant do anything without it meaning im implying some sort of sin like worship or tempting him to lust.

The next time we watched a film, I tried to be mindful, I wore a furry robe and sat on a recliner by myself... so now you're thinking "Perfect! You understood what he wanted Ceno, you gave him space and covered up".... Wrong!!! Then he said I was punishing him... like wtf... is this man trying to make me angry? So I said something mean to him, I shouldnt have, I wont say what but it was really uncalled for and I hate myself for saying what I said. I literally was being immature and sad that I feel so confused about what I am doing wrong.

We are getting married soon and I am scared... like maybe I cant be a good wife, it's like I'm made to be bad or something, I dont know how to just be normal. Everything I do is so... suggestive, everything I say, this has been a complaint about by everyone that knows me. The person who makes me feel so pure, feels so toxic when with me, it's like I ruin everything I touch. I dont know...

 

[TheRealCallie]

So one example is, I was sitting on a pillow/bean bag on my knees with my head on his lap watching a movie, he felt like I sat in that way because I was implying I worship him and other things... I was genuinely just chilling... I have noooo idea what he's talking about. I cant do anything without it meaning im implying some sort of sin like worship or tempting him to lust.

The next time we watched a film, I tried to be mindful, I wore a furry robe and sat on a recliner by myself... so now you're thinking "Perfect! You understood what he wanted Ceno, you gave him space and covered up".... Wrong!!! Then he said I was punishing him... like wtf... is this man trying to make me angry? So I said something mean to him, I shouldnt have, I wont say what but it was really uncalled for and I hate myself for saying what I said. I literally was being immature and sad that I feel so confused about what I am doing wrong.

For a lot of religions, they worship on their knees. I think it's a little extreme that he went there, but he did. It sounds like you decided to give all or nothing. That's not the answer. Maybe next time, ask him how you can chill with him and be close without him feeling like you are worshipping him. It may be as simple as you lying on the couch with your head in his lap or maybe just cuddling up beside him on the couch with his arm around you.
Communication is very important in a relationship. You both have to find a way to talk to each other to resolve those situations without it resulting in hurt feelings. That's on both of you, it sounds. You both have to work on talking to each other AND how to not feel so hurt by what the other says.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

For a lot of religions, they worship on their knees. I think it's a little extreme that he went there, but he did. It sounds like you decided to give all or nothing. That's not the answer. Maybe next time, ask him how you can chill with him and be close without him feeling like you are worshipping him. It may be as simple as you lying on the couch with your head in his lap or maybe just cuddling up beside him on the couch with his arm around you.
Communication is very important in a relationship. You both have to find a way to talk to each other to resolve those situations without it resulting in hurt feelings. That's on both of you, it sounds. You both have to work on talking to each other AND how to not feel so hurt by what the other says.

I feel like I was in the middle just chilling on my beanbag pillow thing, like he was on the sofa, just my head was on his lap.. so logically I thought he wanted me like completely off him. So I sat next to him on the solo recliner, instead of just being a man... and saying what he wants... it's all this feminine passive aggression. He just wants me to take the blame for all his lusting after me... as if god doesn't know whats in his heart and mind... I take the blame for some of it. But I have to literally guess what will or wont be offensive to him, he wont just tell me... like I did a rules post, it's the only thing we have no rules on and we end up... in awkward situations about. He literally refuses to tell me, because he says I will use it to punish him...

 

[okidoke]

I hate to say this, but I have had my doubts about your relationship with Rob and all this you say doesn't make me feel any better about it. Seriously, my wife and I never had a single argument until well into our marriage, after the kids came along and gave us some pressures, like maybe 12 years after we started dating. We rarely argued after that to be honest. How people still want to risk getting married after having all these conflicts before they tie the knot is just beyond me. I wish you well, but I'm worried for the both of you to be honest.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I hate to say this, but I have had my doubts about your relationship with Rob and all this you say doesn't make me feel any better about it. Seriously, my wife and I never had a single argument until well into our marriage, after the kids came along and gave us some pressures, like maybe 12 years after we started dating. We rarely argued after that to be honest. How people still want to risk getting married after having all these conflicts before they tie the knot is just beyond me. I wish you well, but I'm worried for the both of you to be honest.

We dont really argue… I just vent here because I cant argue with a man its against my principle's, I did say something mean to him but I was angry because I felt like I couldnt win… he said once we’re married everything will be better but… sometimes I think he hates that he likes me… he sees me in such a negative way

 

[MrLonely86]

I hate to say this, but I have had my doubts about your relationship with Rob and all this you say doesn't make me feel any better about it. Seriously, my wife and I never had a single argument until well into our marriage, after the kids came along and gave us some pressures, like maybe 12 years after we started dating. We rarely argued after that to be honest. How people still want to risk getting married after having all these conflicts before they tie the knot is just beyond me. I wish you well, but I'm worried for the both of you to be honest.

+1 , with my best female friend I had 0 arguments in 15 years, compared to my EX GF which I argued 3 times a day each day. This gives me info on who I should date. Couple who argue more than once are super funny and hilarious.

 

[user 190541]

We are getting married soon and I am scared... like maybe I cant be a good wife, it's like I'm made to be bad or something, I dont know how to just be normal. Everything I do is so... suggestive, everything I say, this has been a complaint about by everyone that knows me. The person who makes me feel so pure, feels so toxic when with me, it's like I ruin everything I touch. I dont know...

It doesn't seem like you're at fault here. I'd say it all boils down to an insecurity issue your man seems to be experiencing.

 

[user 150037]

Tally how many days he makes you feel bad and how many days he makes you feel good.

Everyine has days where someone they care about leaves them feeling crappy - but the good feel days should be dominant in any relationship.

 

[February203]

Sounds to me like your feminine presence, triggers or stimulates his masculine urges.
Seems like he's ashamed of those urges.

It doesn't feel like anything is actually wrong. Seems like normal masculine and feminine behavior to me. His masculinity is giving him carnal impulses. Your realizing he's uncomfortable which triggers your female nurturing spirit to want him to be comfortable around you. This sounds like normal dynamics between a man and a woman.

But if you want advice, the only advice I can give you is just get married already and time will sort the rest of it out.

 

[okidoke]

We dont really argue… I just vent here because I cant argue with a man its against my principle's, I did say something mean to him but I was angry because I felt like I couldnt win… he said once we’re married everything will be better but… sometimes I think he hates that he likes me… he sees me in such a negative way

A relationship shouldn’t be this uncomfortable and getting married won’t fix anything.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't mean to be insensitive or offensive, but I really don't understand Rob.

I assume he's a man of science, or at least math, to have made all that money.
And the more STEM-inclined a person is, the more they tend to be atheists, because they need proof to believe things. They don't really believe in things like faith, and especially not pseudo-science and magic.
I'm not even that bright but I feel like religion is very flimsy. I mean, I wish it was real, but I just don't know...

If it was me, I would tell him to live while he's alive. If you're blessed with wealth and good genetics, you're already in heaven. Might as well enjoy it. Meanwhile plenty of people are d*mned to a living hell, not because they committed any crimes but just because they weren't born with good enough backgrounds or genes.
And if there is a God, you bet I'm going to give him and earful about that.

If I were him, I would be unrecognizable, a completely different, MUCH happier person. All of my problems would be instantly gone forever, save for death and still needing to figure out how to be interesting (not saying he's dull, I don't know him so I couldn't say - I'm saying I am, though). For someone who has everything going for him, with the kind of freedom people would and do literally kill for, I don't know why he insists on torturing himself with all these self-imposed rules. He's spending his one life worrying and stressing, over something that could very well turn out to be nothing in the end.

I don't get it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you're blessed with wealth and good genetics, you're already in heaven.

Yes, that totally explains why some of them commit suicide....
Seriously just stop with this crap. Money and genetics don't give you happiness.

 

[okidoke]

I don't mean to be insensitive or offensive, but I really don't understand Rob.

I don't get it.

Maybe too indoctrinated

Anyway Ska, again you’re going on about genetics being your setback, but I’m not going to say my usual bit about it because you continually refuse to address my points.

 

[user 190541]

I don't mean to be insensitive or offensive, but I really don't understand Rob.

I assume he's a man of science, or at least math, to have made all that money.
And the more STEM-inclined a person is, the more they tend to be atheists, because they need proof to believe things. They don't really believe in things like faith, and especially not pseudo-science and magic.
I'm not even that bright but I feel like religion is very flimsy. I mean, I wish it was real, but I just don't know...

These are strong words considering that even Einstein himself believed in the existence of God. Indeed, one of his issues with quantum mechanics was his strongly-held notion that "God doesn't play dice". Aristotle, too, was a man of science, a naturalist as well as a philosopher, and he believed in God. "There must be an immortal, unchanging being, ultimately responsible for all wholeness and orderliness in the sensible world", he says. The scientists and scholars from Alexandria subscribed to Plato's fundametally religious notion of the Anima Mundi, and Kepler believed that God used geometry to construct the cosmos. Newton and Mendel, in more recent times, as well as Pythagoras and Empedocles in ancient times, all conducted scientific experimentation and piously believed in one form or another of religion.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I don't mean to be insensitive or offensive, but I really don't understand Rob.

I assume he's a man of science, or at least math, to have made all that money.
And the more STEM-inclined a person is, the more they tend to be atheists, because they need proof to believe things. They don't really believe in things like faith, and especially not pseudo-science and magic.
I'm not even that bright but I feel like religion is very flimsy. I mean, I wish it was real, but I just don't know...

If it was me, I would tell him to live while he's alive. If you're blessed with wealth and good genetics, you're already in heaven. Might as well enjoy it. Meanwhile plenty of people are d*mned to a living hell, not because they committed any crimes but just because they weren't born with good enough backgrounds or genes.
And if there is a God, you bet I'm going to give him and earful about that.

If I were him, I would be unrecognizable, a completely different, MUCH happier person. All of my problems would be instantly gone forever, save for death and still needing to figure out how to be interesting (not saying he's dull, I don't know him so I couldn't say - I'm saying I am, though). For someone who has everything going for him, with the kind of freedom people would and do literally kill for, I don't know why he insists on torturing himself with all these self-imposed rules. He's spending his one life worrying and stressing, over something that could very well turn out to be nothing in the end.

I don't get it.

I know you struggle with this Ska, its complicated, it's a tough road. I cant agree with others that money provides no happiness, same way I cant say I don't think theres any benefits of being attractive and other popular things people like to say. However, the reason I am a woman of god is because I believe theres more value in someone than what I can see. I believe in what cannot be seen, I believe in love, and theres no scientific evidence for it, but I feel it. I know your struggles will fade one day when you find your niche.

I agree with you in some ways at the end, sometimes I want to enjoy life however, my fella feels like my nature is sinful and the more time he spends happy with me unmarried the more we are turning away from god is the issue. So I am hoping getting married will just solve it like he says it will but sometimes he makes me feel not good enough or like I disgust him, you know?

 

[ardour]

Aristotle, too, was a man of science, a naturalist as well as a philosopher, and he believed in God.

Probably more towards an impersonal architect God, not the being of the Abrahamic religions who creates billions of souls just to see them tortured in the post-mortem state.

The other explanation is this is a religious version of grooming. (Sorry Ceno, but that's the impression I get. )

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Probably more towards an impersonal architect God, or at least not the being of the Abrahamic religions who created billions just to see them tortured in the post-mortem state.

The other explanation is this is a religious version of grooming. (Sorry Ceno, but that's the impression I get. )

He was originally my bible studies guide thats why it comes off that way.

 

[Punisher]

A mix of an emotional woman, cult member, and potential rapist/murderer. That's what I see, and you want to marry this weirdo?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

A mix of an emotional woman, cult member, and potential rapist/murderer. That's what I see, and you want to marry this weirdo?

He's my world, I haven't done him justice but the love I have for him is insane. Like I want to be a better person for god and to be someone he can be proud of, you know? I hate how my flaws impact the relationship, I've come so far... the original members know I was in a terrible way when I first joined, messing with a married man and stuff. I am a way better person now, but it's like my past causes doubt.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Human nature is not YOUR nature. You just ARE a human.
But I do agree that he should learn to talk to you about it in a way that is neither accusatory nor insulting.
The best way to troubleshoot problems in a relationship is to just mutually depersonalize the problem.
Starting to do that begins with both parties acknowledging that they still want the relationship.
From there it's a matter of working your way backwards.
Kind of like unwinding a really big knot of mixed up wires or cables.
I'm no pro stagehand, but I'm decent enough at my capabilities given my experiences.
It has to be approached mechanically and from a problem-solving stance.
If either person gets their feelings too involved in the discussion than it very quickly gets derailed and turns a problem-solving and troubleshooting situation into just yet another compounding argument on top of the already larger pile of jilted feelings.
This requires both an equal temperament of developmental critical thinking skills and development of emotional intelligence enough to know how to be able to displace your own feelings in the moment for the sake of a more commonly or mutually-desired approach to the overall problem.
Fault and guilt are less relevant than the fact that both people acknowledge that they still want a relationship together. You can work out the hard parts gradually and later by simply acknowledging that there are issues to be worked upon to begin with.
But if he's making you feel unwanted, than that's something that he needs to work on along with figuring out how to better articulate and correlate the contents of his heart.