Hi everyone. Sorry this is quite a long story. Not sure why Im writing this on here, probably just getting the thoughts out of my head, and maybe some people on here could offer me some advice.
I broke up with ex-girlfriend about 6 months ago. We had been going out for about 16 months. We work at the same place and took a liking to each other and it sparked the start of our relationship.
When we first started going out it was really hard because she lives quite far from my house. So it was allot of driving back and fourth between each others house. Initially it was once or twice a week, but as things heated up it was pretty much every night. So eventually after about 3 months I thought it would make more sence for her to move in with me. So that's what we did. And all was well for another few months, but then I started to see things in her, insecurities. She would often say that she was scared that I wouldn't love her anymore and that she couldn't imagine her life without me. At the time I reasurred her and told her I wasn't going to leave her because I really did love her. This went on for quite a while, and I felt pressure to give her the attention she needed which I did, but I'd sacrificed my own need's like having some time alone and enjoying things I do by myself. It took me awhile to realise that this wasn't healthy for me as I was feeling very smothered by her. She would get quite upset and insecure If I didn't hug her enough or spend enough time with her. I resisted talking to her about how I was feeling because I knew that If I talked to her about it, she would take it as me not loving her anymore and that I wanted to break up with her. Eventually I couldn't hold onto it any more and told her how I was feeling and everything I feared was true. I tried to explain it to her, but she kept insisting that I had to love her the way she was. So after quite a while and a period of almost breaking up a couple of times she grew to understand my situation and there was more space between us which I was happier with. Things were really good for a while and I was very happy in the relationship.
The next thing to happened was her grandparents passing away, which was really terrible for her and I made sure to stay by her side and support her through that tough time. This event sent her into a spiral of depression. I can except that she would be this way for a while so I just looked after her and supported her through this tough time. After a few months though. There was no real improvement in her mental state. She was very unmotivated, she wasn't cleaning up after herself or even taking regular showers. She said she had lost the motivation to live. So I was the one cleaning, cooking and tidying, as I watched on in frustration as she slothed around the house. I hoped that this would pass in time, but it didn't and eventually I confronted her with it. I tried telling her that her grandparents wouldn't want to see her dragging her life on the ground just because they passed away. I brought up her not doing her share around the house about 4 times over a few months and nothing really changed. It would get better for a while, but then she would just go back to her old ways. Eventually I sat down with her and told her I loved her, but I was absolutly sick of pulling all the weight around the house and that things had to change. She said that she was trying so hard, but becasue of her depression she couldn't do any more than she already was. So she left me. She said she didn't want to drag me down this road with her, she knows shes got problems, but she feels like she can't deal with them and my needs in the relationship at the same time.
Another thing that was happening just before we broke up was her questioning me about starting a family and weather or not I wanted to have kid's. To be honest I thought it was way to soon to be thinking about kids after a relationship that had only been going for 16 months and I told her that. I also told her that I did want to have kids one day and that I wanted a family eventually. However I explained that our current situation ment it was impossible to say yes to starting a family given how depressed she was and how volitile our relationship was at that time. The way she was talking about kids was a little scary to me. I respect her wanting to have a family, I get that. But she would say things like "a child and a family is something she want's so much and that it would give her life direction". I voiced strong concerns that she shouldn't be thinking of kids as a way to solve her problems and that was putting pressure on children and having kids for the wrong reasons. She got upset and said she wasn't looking at kids as something that would fix all her problems, but I found that to be a complete contradiction of what she was saying.
Probably about a month after we broke up, I tryed to get back with her twice but she resisted, which was upseting for me, but I think I realised that she was doing this for me and herself. In the end I supported her, I told her I respected her decision and said she was doing the right thing.
So anyway. 6 months have passed and I still see her and talk to her every day because we still work at the same place. I have maintained a relationship as a friend with her. We still get along really well. I can feel myself getting closer to her recently. I care about her alot. I know that I may have made her out to be a bit of a monster so far, but beneath her depression is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I think I might still love her, but whenever I think about her like that I get quite upset, so I try not to think of her as someone I love or someone I loved. My thoughts are very confused. I don't know what to think or how to feel about us :S
Do you think I should just let it go?
I broke up with ex-girlfriend about 6 months ago. We had been going out for about 16 months. We work at the same place and took a liking to each other and it sparked the start of our relationship.
When we first started going out it was really hard because she lives quite far from my house. So it was allot of driving back and fourth between each others house. Initially it was once or twice a week, but as things heated up it was pretty much every night. So eventually after about 3 months I thought it would make more sence for her to move in with me. So that's what we did. And all was well for another few months, but then I started to see things in her, insecurities. She would often say that she was scared that I wouldn't love her anymore and that she couldn't imagine her life without me. At the time I reasurred her and told her I wasn't going to leave her because I really did love her. This went on for quite a while, and I felt pressure to give her the attention she needed which I did, but I'd sacrificed my own need's like having some time alone and enjoying things I do by myself. It took me awhile to realise that this wasn't healthy for me as I was feeling very smothered by her. She would get quite upset and insecure If I didn't hug her enough or spend enough time with her. I resisted talking to her about how I was feeling because I knew that If I talked to her about it, she would take it as me not loving her anymore and that I wanted to break up with her. Eventually I couldn't hold onto it any more and told her how I was feeling and everything I feared was true. I tried to explain it to her, but she kept insisting that I had to love her the way she was. So after quite a while and a period of almost breaking up a couple of times she grew to understand my situation and there was more space between us which I was happier with. Things were really good for a while and I was very happy in the relationship.
The next thing to happened was her grandparents passing away, which was really terrible for her and I made sure to stay by her side and support her through that tough time. This event sent her into a spiral of depression. I can except that she would be this way for a while so I just looked after her and supported her through this tough time. After a few months though. There was no real improvement in her mental state. She was very unmotivated, she wasn't cleaning up after herself or even taking regular showers. She said she had lost the motivation to live. So I was the one cleaning, cooking and tidying, as I watched on in frustration as she slothed around the house. I hoped that this would pass in time, but it didn't and eventually I confronted her with it. I tried telling her that her grandparents wouldn't want to see her dragging her life on the ground just because they passed away. I brought up her not doing her share around the house about 4 times over a few months and nothing really changed. It would get better for a while, but then she would just go back to her old ways. Eventually I sat down with her and told her I loved her, but I was absolutly sick of pulling all the weight around the house and that things had to change. She said that she was trying so hard, but becasue of her depression she couldn't do any more than she already was. So she left me. She said she didn't want to drag me down this road with her, she knows shes got problems, but she feels like she can't deal with them and my needs in the relationship at the same time.
Another thing that was happening just before we broke up was her questioning me about starting a family and weather or not I wanted to have kid's. To be honest I thought it was way to soon to be thinking about kids after a relationship that had only been going for 16 months and I told her that. I also told her that I did want to have kids one day and that I wanted a family eventually. However I explained that our current situation ment it was impossible to say yes to starting a family given how depressed she was and how volitile our relationship was at that time. The way she was talking about kids was a little scary to me. I respect her wanting to have a family, I get that. But she would say things like "a child and a family is something she want's so much and that it would give her life direction". I voiced strong concerns that she shouldn't be thinking of kids as a way to solve her problems and that was putting pressure on children and having kids for the wrong reasons. She got upset and said she wasn't looking at kids as something that would fix all her problems, but I found that to be a complete contradiction of what she was saying.
Probably about a month after we broke up, I tryed to get back with her twice but she resisted, which was upseting for me, but I think I realised that she was doing this for me and herself. In the end I supported her, I told her I respected her decision and said she was doing the right thing.
So anyway. 6 months have passed and I still see her and talk to her every day because we still work at the same place. I have maintained a relationship as a friend with her. We still get along really well. I can feel myself getting closer to her recently. I care about her alot. I know that I may have made her out to be a bit of a monster so far, but beneath her depression is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I think I might still love her, but whenever I think about her like that I get quite upset, so I try not to think of her as someone I love or someone I loved. My thoughts are very confused. I don't know what to think or how to feel about us :S
Do you think I should just let it go?
