Need hep...

[theicedout]

Hi,

So, here’s the things.

In my life, I made many mistakes led to a lot of reasons that has a link to my past even though nothing can excuse my bad behaviour ; I am 100% aware of that. But since I realized that I’ve had enough to always found the nose of my past in my business that makes me act like a dumb one and someone who doesn't deserve anything, I am seeking a peace I am not able to find nor to accept. I feel like I probably deserve all those stories that constantly goes all around inside my head and ****** me up.

I am writing some of my personal things here because I need to read what you, guys, can think about all of that and how you would act, how you would forgive yourself and forgive (or not) a person like me and how you would think about all those stories.

Long stories short (I don’t want to bother people with lots of details so it will just be a fast resume)

Abandonment of a father, bullying at school, psychological and physical violence, attempted murder on my person, depression, scarification, threat of suicide to my former partners led by abandonment in the past and depression, drugs, alcohol, “kind of rape”, having sex with a married man who claimed he was in a divorce proceeding, having anorexia, told lies because of shame… This, was my past. Not proud of at all.

What I am seeking of here is how am I supposed to try to live my dreams and forgive myself for everything ? I left social media because I am afraid of revenge from people I hurt and I don’t want my life to be exposed on the internet because nothing will be fixed in this way.

For everything that happened to me since I am a kid, I can’t find peace, it all ****** me up. I am so ashamed of what people made me and how I let everything made me a monster I never wanted to be. I would and will never do anything like this again and I can’t even be excused for the things I’ve done to people, that kills me. I want to start over and I know that I don’t deserve to be happy and I don’t deserve to fulfill my dreams because of everything I’ve done, especially to a woman’s husband even though this disgusted man cheated on her multiple times before they got married (she knew he said but “accepted it” to be with him bc she’s the daughter of his father’s wife and it felt like incest for people) because apparently she’s too tough, doesn’t know how to please him, don’t even give him sex… He talked about her the way some men would talk about an ex wife out of anger, took off his engagement ring… well I’m not trying to find excuses about this behaviour, I just explain what I heard from him. They’re still together today. Their relationship just got worse than it was before all that. That’s what I heard once even though I wasn’t looking for news about them, somebody told me that.

And with my past relationships, I left by ghosting because they made me feel terribly worthless, they made me act like a crazy on by assuming everything was my fault while they were doing stuff to make me feel and act crazy. And then, again, I’m afraid to come again on the social media in case they see me and get revenge on me because I ghosted them…

I’m a French girl, and French people are really mean when it comes to judge someone they don’t even have a clue about or knows the entire story…

Please, somebody can help me to find how to live after everything like that ? That really kills me…

Thank you for reading.

 

[Finished]

Please, somebody can help me to find how to live after everything like that ? That really kills me…

Thank you for reading.

First, welcome to the forum!
We all have done things in our past that we are ashamed of. It's part of being a human.
Much of what you described was not your fault. You just reacted to it, which is natural.

The important part is that you don't want to be like you used to be. You want to be better and feel better about yourself. You should try to feel good about that. Many people just continue on as they are. You want to better yourself. Good Job!

The past is the past. Forgiving yourself will take time. But, it will happen as you start changing and looking back at who you used to be and why.

 

[theicedout]

Thank you !

But, how can we leave the past behind when you want to do some stuff (let's say videos on internet for example or something publicly) and some people are just waiting for you to do it to discredit you and create a bad reputation for you, so that people will hate you, criticize you and judge you? I know these are the risks of the internet, but how do you deal with it if, on top of that, people have (maybe) evidence ? Some exes can keep some proof just in case you succeed in life ; you probably know how trash people can be...

Thank you or your reply and what you said before. I appreciate your words.

 

[Ima Lone]

When one is driving a car, much the same way we pilot ourselves on life’s highway, it’s better to keep your hands on the wheel, the better to keep control of the vehicle but also to look straight ahead, watching for hazards or obstacles in the road ahead.

If you notice any, hopefully a ways in advance, you can steer yourself around them, making for a smoother, safer journey. If, however, you’d rather drive using your rear view mirror as your guide, I doubt that you’ll have such a smooth journey because life comes at us head on, usually.

Oh sure, sometimes something from the sides that we didn’t see coming can blindside us and that’s no fun. Or something unexpected can creep up on our rears much faster than we had anticipated but most for what we experience we can see coming from miles away so that’s where it’s best to maintain focus.

If you’re looking more at your past than the present and planning for a future, that’s similar to driving using your rear view mirror to find your direction and paying no attention to what’s in front of you now (the present) or where it is that you’re headed (the future). It’s okay and necessary to check that rear view mirror, from time to time but one’s focus should be on what’s going on in the immediate area, which is somewhat controllable and hazards ahead that could arise but likely are mostly avoidable.

I hope your road ahead is paved and smooth but it likely won’t be paved with gold and you have a part to play in the journey too. And don’t forget that others, like me and so many more, are also traveling life’s highway with you. Not all of us are always going to be paying as much attention to what we’re doing as we drive and many won’t use signals to let you know their intentions. So be careful, watch your speed, keep your vehicle (you) in good repair and drive defensively, with a plan for where you’re re going. Then, once you arrive, there will be plenty of time to reflect on where it was that you’ve been (the past).

The present is all we have to work with. We can let our pasts hold us back, like an anchor would, or we can unchain ourselves from it and go a bit further and quicker, un encumbered. The future too, we can dream about it, if we like but while we do our present or now is still ticking by. Ever catch yourself driving and daydreaming, then suddenly you jerk the steering wheel to get yourself back onto the road because you nearly drove into a ditch? Life is like that. We can visit our past but not live there. We also can dream about and plan for our future, which will arrive on its own and in its own time. We only have to get through the present moment and all the rest will happen as it should or as it did with no need for help from us.

 

[Ima Lone]

Thank you !

But, how can we leave the past behind when you want to do some stuff (let's say videos on internet for example or something publicly) and some people are just waiting for you to do it to discredit you and create a bad reputation for you, so that people will hate you, criticize you and judge you? I know these are the risks of the internet, but how do you deal with it if, on top of that, people have (maybe) evidence ? Some exes can keep some proof just in case you succeed in life ; you probably know how trash people can be...

Thank you or your reply and what you said before. I appreciate your words.

What if is a scary thought but don’t forget about what if NOT. That’s what if’s kinder and not scary cousin.

I myself try to hope for the best, prepare for the worst and expect something between the two of those, as that’s what usually happens. While one sits around pondering all of the “what if scenarios” that might happen, if they didn’t happen after all then that time is lost, forever.

And if one stays back pondering, again, all of the many what if’s that could possibly happen and one or many of them do actually happen, then you’ll just deal with it and go on. That’s what we’ve done with every other crisis we dealt with that brought us to where we are now, be it the edge of a cliff we find ourselves looking down into the valley of the unknown below, or a happy place. One where we can relax and reflect on what’s next for us.

We all have a 100% success rate of getting through every day that we’ve faced so far. Step by step, moment by moment, if you only try, you’ll make it through this one too. It’s easier if you go along on your own but if you have to be pulled into each new moment, you’ll likely not enjoy the journey as much because you won’t be in control of what happens or where it is that you’re going to.

 

[user 135067]

Abandonment of a father, bullying at school, psychological and physical violence, attempted murder on my person, depression, scarification, threat of suicide to my former partners led by abandonment in the past and depression, drugs, alcohol, “kind of rape”, having sex with a married man who claimed he was in a divorce proceeding, having anorexia, told lies because of shame… This, was my past. Not proud of at all.

None of this would cause me to condemn you. I get that when we explain our past we play it down some, and there might be more than this paragraph reveals, but if this is all that is bothering you then you've been convinced that you have some blame in it. You don't.

There is a common accusation that aggressors make; "You made me do this. This is your fault." They can convince someone to take their blame.

The reality is no one can make them be violent. It is their fault. It was their choice. I suspect there is some of that in your life where others are blaming you for things they brought about.

The first thing you need to do is don't give in. Don't give them the power to be right. If you cannot fight your battles then avoid them. Second, it's shame that is keeping you from social media participation. That shame is not yours. People can be cruel. You have to stand up and bear it. You have to pretend it doesn't bother you.

The only reason others are lambasting you is because it gets to you. They will quit if you have no reaction.

Take these events that are troubling you and write them out. Write them a lot and try to see why you think you are to blame. See how you are not. Example: If you had sex with this man and he had been divorced then no one is to blame for anything. He misled you. That's on him.

Most of these things you are ashamed of, the substance abuse, anorexia, lying, these are coping mechanisms. They are distractions to take you away from the real problem. Find that real problem and face it. You might need help. Or it might be a matter of looking at it from many perspectives and finding your vindication.

As for your social media, don't let anyone scare you away from what you want to do. It might start bad but keep to your guns. Don't argue with anyone. That is them winning. Blow it off. They are delusional. Put out what it is you want to put out and leave the fighting out of it.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Please, somebody can help me to find how to live after everything like that ? That really kills me…

Thank you for reading.

Welcome to the forum theicedout. I think the others here have done a fine job of encouraging you to look ahead rather than back, but allow me to add another, Christian perspective.

As we go through life, we face constant challenges and decisions that build our character. Some people fail repeatedly and never seem to get their act together while others learn and grow from each experience and become a better person with age. The process never ends though, and for those that care enough to assess themselves, there's always a flawed past to overcome and future improvements to make.

Trials and tribulations are what often turn weak people into strong ones, heartless people into loving ones, and unbelievers into believers. It's no coincidence that many of the Bible's greatest people were those that struggled with life and made bad decisions. Yet God used those bad decisions to ultimately grow their character and used those flawed people to do great things for his purpose.

In the end, the only thing lasting from this life is our soul which reflects our character. That character is judged by God, not others here in this messed up world. So I'd encourage you to focus on loving God first, then loving people. If you do that, you won't have to worry about how others will react, because it won't matter.

 

[jmax.flores]

Hi I'm new here, but something about your post really resonated with me. Hmm, there's a lot to unpack here, but I hope can provide some guidance.

I think first, and foremost, it's important to understand that it's okay to admit your feelings to yourself. If you feel angry--then be angry, if you feel sad--then be sad; feelings are something inseparable from us. What's NOT okay is submitting to these feelings. Now, I understand that this is something that is easier said than done (as this is something I struggle with from time to time too), however, I think everyone can get better at controlling their own emotions with some consistent practice. Acknowledging our feelings is one thing, but appropriately reacting to them is something else entirely.

Accepting the past is a very difficult thing to do, but I think it's important to remember that the past won't change regardless of how we feel about it. Therefore, we need to embrace the 'good crumbs' and 'lessons' however small they may seem. There's always room for improvement. There's always a chance for happiness. Once again, this is something which I understand is easier said than done, but heck, if even angels fall--why can't we? The beauty in falling is knowing which way is up, and getting there requires us choosing to stand back up.

I'd like for you to think about one thing that you really like about yourself. Focus on it, embrace it, and remember it. Then, slowly add new pieces that you like about yourself to the idea of who you are. Do this every three days--maybe once every week? Who you are--and I mean REALLY are, is not dependent on how others see you. Allowing yourself to step forward is the first step in redefining who you are--give yourself that chance. No one on this planet has the right to take away your ability to love yourself.

I hope this finds you well,
Max

 

[SquareBin]

Hello

I hope things are better since November

learning to forgive yourself is part of healing. after all, being happy and useful is the best outcome for someone who feels they've done wrong in their life. I know I did. I recently realized that guilt was a big part of my depression/other problems, and so I'm searching ways to forgive myself and accept it.

Bonjour de Belgique hihi ^^