Negative remarks from a friend

[edamame721]

About two years ago, my best friend and I had a major falling out and she sent me a ranting e-mail that I still remember years later about everything that was wrong with me. This was after I had tried to be there for her at a trying time in my life.

I've forgiven the friend but I can't forget what they said -- she was someone I had known for over a decade -- and whenever I'm down their words came back to me. She never apologized, just said that she would have held back if she realized what problems I was going through.

I've minimized contact with her but I'm not sure how to move on with these negative thoughts in my head.

 

[Jazzbird]

You can always disprove her (and anyone that seeks to undermine you) by being the best that you can be.

..or you can prove her by still letting it affect your life two years later.

When I lost my best friend (of 6 years) - she did the same thing to me.I haven't forgotten but I'll never let her words affect me or my life because I know they aren't true. (If they were I'd be selling slaves and raping women now lmao)

I know I'm better than that and so should you.Words are just words.They only have power if you GIVE them power.

Jesus,it's in your sig for god's sake. - When things are difficult, then let yourself be happy? You can start with that.

 

[Tiina63]

In your place I would probably have to end contact with her, but this is me, not you. The fact that she said she would have 'held back' if she knew what problems you were going through shows that she still thought that the horrible things she said to you were true, but that she would have just kept them to herself. Why be friends with someone who thinks so little of you?
I don't know how you can stop the thoughts coming into your head-I am haunted by things people said to me almost 40 years ago-but maybe if you are not in touch with her, her words would come back to you less often.

 

[Peaches]

I know this is the over - rational approach, but they say that once you sort out whatever constructive criticism there is in there, it is most probable that what she said says something about herself and not about you -
the pain must be great, but it sounds like it has been a misunderstanding between the two of you, and you can't hold yourself responsible for it, sometimes we rub people the wrong way by mistake (I should know something about it) but then dealing with it it's a responsibility for both

 

[sk66rc]

About two years ago, my best friend and I had a major falling out and she sent me a ranting e-mail that I still remember years later about everything that was wrong with me. This was after I had tried to be there for her at a trying time in my life.

I've forgiven the friend but I can't forget what they said -- she was someone I had known for over a decade -- and whenever I'm down their words came back to me. She never apologized, just said that she would have held back if she realized what problems I was going through.

I've minimized contact with her but I'm not sure how to move on with these negative thoughts in my head.

Well... I'm not quite sure what you mean by "move on with these negave thoughts..." There are few things that I wanted to mention first... Are there truth to anything she has said in e-mail? You think she owes you an apology so I'm thinking what she said was wrong? Perhaps you think that because how she said it or the words she chose to use instead of the idea of the whole email was wrong? My best friend of 26 years have called me everything in the book... Although some of the words he has used to describe me were pretty harsh, I knew his true intentions... In my opinion, there's nothing to forgive between 2 true friends unless you know the other friend meant it in a negative way on purpose... There's an old saying, "Explanations are over-rated... True friends don't need them & enemies won't believe them anyway!!! So don't waste your breath!!!" That's just an expression so it may not fit into every situation but does give you something to think about...

 

[VanillaCreme]

About two years ago, my best friend and I had a major falling out and she sent me a ranting e-mail that I still remember years later about everything that was wrong with me. This was after I had tried to be there for her at a trying time in my life.

I've forgiven the friend but I can't forget what they said -- she was someone I had known for over a decade -- and whenever I'm down their words came back to me. She never apologized, just said that she would have held back if she realized what problems I was going through.

I've minimized contact with her but I'm not sure how to move on with these negative thoughts in my head.

She probably never apologized because she meant it. And as a friend, you'd think perhaps she'd find a softer way of telling you how she felt. But maybe that didn't matter to her at the time. She told you how she felt, it made you feel some type of way, but now it's up to you to let it go.

 

[edamame721]

Thank you all for your responses! To clarify, I do forgive her but I do not forget, nor can I trust her in the same way. So our relationship has become more cordial and distant. If she had said she was wrong, I don't think her words would still be effecting me, but she obviously believed them on some level. I don't feel like I can be vulnerable around her. So maybe I haven't let it go even though I want to.

Her negative remarks don't always bother me, but they happen to come back at very low points in my life because she originally said them when I was dealing with family members having health crises. It's a bad recollection that returns when I'm at my worst, so I genuinely wanted to know how to get rid of her words. They act the way self-defeating thoughts would.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Thank you all for your responses! To clarify, I do forgive her but I do not forget, nor can I trust her in the same way. So our relationship has become more cordial and distant. If she had said she was wrong, I don't think her words would still be effecting me, but she obviously believed them on some level. I don't feel like I can be vulnerable around her. So maybe I haven't let it go even though I want to.

Her negative remarks don't always bother me, but they happen to come back at very low points in my life because she originally said them when I was dealing with family members having health crises. It's a bad recollection that returns when I'm at my worst, so I genuinely wanted to know how to get rid of her words. They act the way self-defeating thoughts would.

To try to get rid of harsh words out of you're mind is a tough one. I've been down the same path before and I'm still trying to deal with it. This is what helped me and not sure if this will help you out in the same way. Write a unsent letter to you're friend and simply tell her how it made you feel. After you're done, rip it up in little pieces and say over and over again, I let this go and I won't let this control my life anymore. Each time it happens, continue to do the same thing. This is what my train therapist has told me what to do each time I think of people who have said harsh things to me. And I hope it helps you out as well. ~Hugs~ I'm here if you need someone to talk too. Pm me anytime you need! =)

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

I dont want to be pushy, but maybe we may understand more if you told us what she told you? Sorry if asking this is not appropriate.

Otherwise, I´m sorry that you are is such a situation I hope you have some friends that are helping you.