never had a girlfriend, fell in love with roommate

[In a lonely place]

Hi, maybe she feels 'pathetic' sometimes, my gut feeling is to go for it. At least you will get your feelings out there; she probably suspects this anyway. I wish I had been more outgoing when I was younger.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

we wanted to go to a bar today. i had classes late. so we texted
7.15, her: hey! i'm with the others already. we don't know yet if we'll go. text me if you wanna come.
8.15, me: hey! just got home, ill eat real quick. you already know if ur goin? if you do, ill join you!
8.16, her: we just left. you gotta know if you still wanna come.
9.00, me: i'll come, what bar are you at?
9.03, her: the one we're always at. we won't stay much longer. i dont think it'll be worth it.

our other roommate is at that bar today too, with his colleges. he wrote me:
9.26, him: you still coming?
me: kate said it wont be worth it theyll leave soon. did you meet them?
him: yea shes standing next to me, they dont know yet

shall all red warning flags be raised now? am i overanalysing or doesnt she want me to be there?

i hate this. one second im happy, the next second im depressed because she didnt formulate a text message kindly. one second im planning to tell her how i feel, the next i feel awfully stupid to even consider she could have feelings for me. noone ever did, why should the woman im living with for 3 years now suddenly start.

maybe ill ask her if she didnt want me to be there today. asking people if they dont like me seems to be easier than telling them i like them.

i feel so pathetic.

First, don't feel pathetic!

Look, I have very sparse information about what the girl is like, how she acts around this roommate, all that stuff. That's info you have!

I also can't really make out much of her intentions from those texts. She could either be putting you off, non-committal, or (most likely) think you're just being friendly and you're not interested, so she's not that bothered.

If you're not acting like you want her romantically, she's not going to text and talk to you as if you're her boyfriend.

Just ask her!

It's really that simple. Get her on her own, ask her, then it's sorted. Then you can either move on or settle into the presumably pleasant routine of having a girlfriend!

If you've known her for years she probably just assumes you're mates. She's not going to start, after years, wearing her heart on her sleeve for you. You need to do something drastic to get a look at her feelings.

Then and only then will you get the answer you need. Doing anything less will simply lead to this cycle of getting nowhere.

Good luck with asking!

 

[jim108]

so we were partying a few days ago. she always danced with him, when she talked to him she often put her hand on his chest, she smiles a lot around him. she barely noticed me, even tho i was making some moves. once she pushed me away when dancing and i wasnt even that close. they sometimes whispered and wouldnt tell me what they whispered about.

he went and made out with some other girls, so i hope at least he is not interested in her. she is definately into him. i need to start seeing things the way they are and stop living in my dream world. she's going away for christmas, maybe ill have enough time to get over her (even tho after such a long time it seems unlikely).

maybe shell get over him too, that would be good. at least for me.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Forget about her, move on, find someone else.

 

[Mouse]

She's on the rebound; fallout from the beauty of the past. The most loving thing you can do is let her grieve over her heartbreak, be there to hold her hand and show that you care. Which you do. Listen to her. If she breaks down as surely as I often break down, put your arm around her so as to give comfort. Let her cry it all out; kiss the top of her head but no more. This is what Martin my lovely brother does when I hit a downer.

If love ever brings you both together, it will be at the right time and you shall know it. I will take prayer for you.

Love, Anna Mouse

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

so we were partying a few days ago. she always danced with him, when she talked to him she often put her hand on his chest, she smiles a lot around him. she barely noticed me, even tho i was making some moves. once she pushed me away when dancing and i wasnt even that close. they sometimes whispered and wouldnt tell me what they whispered about.

he went and made out with some other girls, so i hope at least he is not interested in her. she is definately into him. i need to start seeing things the way they are and stop living in my dream world. she's going away for christmas, maybe ill have enough time to get over her (even tho after such a long time it seems unlikely).

maybe shell get over him too, that would be good. at least for me.

As others said, she's just rebounding after her last relationship. I think the key lesson here is: Don't get "into" someone until you're sure that it's a worthwhile investment of emotion.

It's a mistake I make time and time again, I have a habit of developing romantic feelings for someone without actually getting romantically acquainted with them. It's fatal, because it stops actual romantic involvement while simultaneously creating sadness/frustration.

The title of the thread speaks this really: as I once said to someone else on here, "love" is a complicated thing. I've never been in love and I'm pretty sure this is not "love" either. I don't think you can be in love with someone until you're actually in a relationship with them - not legitimately anyway. So it's dangerous to feel that strongly without the substance there.

As mouse posted above, I'd drop your romantic interest and just be there for her as a friend. Wait until she is not trying to grab someone on the emotional bounce back. She may well develop feelings for you over time and want to know you better, she may not. Either way you have a friend - and you're now not obliged to have feelings for her.

In short:

Stay friendly but try to put romance with her out of your mind. Make sure you don't develop feelings if you can help it without having a clear route to realising that desire. Try to get friendly with other girls and keep your options open.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with you (at least thus far), and I wish you luck in the future

 

[Anten]

I agree with TheSolitaryMan, having deep feelings for someone before you are in a relationship isn't a good thing. You might think you "love" this girl but how can you when she hasn't shown you any love.

 

[passage]

so we were partying a few days ago. she always danced with him, when she talked to him she often put her hand on his chest, she smiles a lot around him. she barely noticed me, even tho i was making some moves. once she pushed me away when dancing and i wasnt even that close. they sometimes whispered and wouldnt tell me what they whispered about.

he went and made out with some other girls, so i hope at least he is not interested in her. she is definately into him. i need to start seeing things the way they are and stop living in my dream world. she's going away for christmas, maybe ill have enough time to get over her (even tho after such a long time it seems unlikely).

maybe shell get over him too, that would be good. at least for me.

No offence, but you can't really get more of a blatant signal right here. Presuming your male roommate is like most guys (yes, guys like sex)...well I'll let you fill in the blank. I dont mean to make you feel like crap, but I know this is a situation where you can either go forward and learn, or go backwards and keep the same mindset you have (I know cause I've been in similar situations).

That bolded part, again no offence, comes off as creepy and annoying (someone did the same thing to me, except with note passing in class). You have to get over it. At least you are able to go out to parties/clubs/whatever with friends. Use that to meet more people and other women. The reason you feel this way, is because she is your only option (I presume). You have "assets" use them wisely, meet other women. Be a happy, flirty guy. Ask your female friend to help you meet women, ask you male roommate to help you. Get over her.

Again, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or anything

 

[jim108]

once again, thank you all for your replies and help.

so a few weeks have passed. she drove home for christmas and new years eve and i attempted to not think of her - which i failed. over this time we wrote some text messages but not much contact. lets just call her katy.

last friday was her birthday, i got her some bed linen in her favorite color as a gift, our other roommate didnt get her anything. we celebrated, just us 3 roommates. we went to a club and katy danced a lot with me, our other roommate went scouting for girls.

the next day there was a big party at our appartement. some of her friends from her old city came. it was a great evening, i did not talk to katy much tho. so get this: her friend from her old city plainly asked me "are you in love with her?". i said no, coward as i am, but i am not close with this friend at all so why tell her such a secret? since i was kinda drunk i cannot remember what we talked about next

what is even more interesting - where did she get this idea? from the few hours she spent at our appartement? if it is so obvious, then katy must have felt it too. if its not so obvious, she must have talked to katy about this earlier, right? katy slept at our other roommates that night since her friends slept in her bed. this was a terrible feeling for me of course, but they did not have sex or anything. the next few days showed this, body language and so on. by now im sure that our other roommate is out of the picture.

so we all had bad hangovers, i helped katy clean up the place of course (other roommate didnt) but we all pretty much just lay in bed feeling terrible

this monday, katy and i watched tv in the living room. this tuesday, we watched a movie in my room. this wednesday (today), the two of us will visit an old friend of ours. this thursday, we will go to a party. then on sunday, we will make a whole-day-lord-of-the-rings marathon with my 2 closest friends.

this is quite a planned-out week. in addition, things go really well between us the past few days. lots of smiling, lots of eye contact, some body contact (e.g. when i hand her something, she doesnt just take it but softly strokes her fingers over mine. she did this like 5 times alrdy). do you think all this might be because i said to her friend that i dont love katy and now shes not affraid to do stuff with me any more? would you believe my "no" answer anyways or think i just dont want to admit it?

also, she talked to her ex-boyfriend this week. i asked her if they are good again and she just said "No.". she said they talked about how bad they feel but that its good that its over and so on. shes a lot on the phone recently, i dont know who shes talking to tho ofc.

yes, i am a coward and should just go over to her right now and tell her. i just am too much of a coward

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

yes, i am a coward and should just go over to her right now and tell her. i just am too much of a coward

Hey Jim! Nice to hear from you again

Wow, sounds like your situation has vastly improved. If she's stroking your hands like that, that's a big signal that she likes you!

I think that friend probably has heard about how you're so nice to Katy from Katy herself and was trying to probe you for info about it, probably to pass back to her.

I'd say this is your golden, one-shot chance (especially since she seems to be getting over her old boyfriend now) to step in and ask her out properly.

She sounds like she's waiting for you to say it, perhaps even getting frustrated by getting that friend to ask you so blatantly.

If you wait much longer you risk her moving on, thinking you are truly uninterested. Don't be afraid of what will happen or whether the relationship will be shallow due to that answer to the friend or whatever. You'll know if you're in a good relationship once you're in that position!

There's no rush to get serious with her. Just tell her, as soon as possible at an appropriate moment (like when you're next sitting together), that you really like her and you'd like to go out with her

Think of it like this: If you say nothing now, you throw away your shot at getting exactly what you appear to want. It's not a question of cowardice or bravery, it's a question of logic and common sense!

The chance of her rejecting you is low if she is already acting quite physical. Go for it!

 

[jim108]

thank you again
ok here's what happened last night. we went to a party with some ppl. the plan was to later go to another party, which required tickets. katy and i did not have tickets so the two of us took a taxi earlier to try and buy some before its sold out.

it was sold out. however, some drunk dude opened some sidedoor so katy and i managed to slip in past the guards this party was a lot of fun, katy danced with me for 4 hours. all our other friends were gone by then. she does not like touching while dancing so i kept my distance. after this party was over (they turned on the lights) katy and i drove to another party! haha. we danced there for another hour. all this time, there was a lot of smiling and eye contact between us. and we touched from time to time. this felt real good!

so when we got home we ate some leftovers in her room. it totally felt like she was waiting for me to make a move. we sat there on her bed next to each other eating with 0 distance between us, sometime we stood very close. in the end she took off her sweatshirt right in front of me and got closer. i am so ashamed of this: i did not make a move!!!! i was too affraid this totally seems like i should have tho right?

after i got out of her room i just stood there for 5 minutes, thinking how stupid i am. then i convinced myself to talk to her and knocked on her door - but she was alrdy sleeping. if she weren't i wouldnt have had a chance but talk to her about my feelings. damn!

now what should i do now? we are going to have a few friends over to watch tv in an hour. we'll also eat some "tuned" cookies. here's my plan: after the friends are gone go to her room (before she is sleeping) and just kiss her. i need to be quick to not let my stupidness of yesterday ruin anything right?

or should i talk to her? kiss her? tonight? i keep postponing, maybe ill just do it.

 

[Anten]

Well you can just say you get kinda nervous around her but anything you should have done in the moment has passed. Not saying it can never happen again or won't but you can't bring back what you had in the past. So as long as you don't keep putting off her advances without a reason(that you make aware) you can have another shot.

 

[DreamerDeceiver]

Well, it sounds like you finally have (had) her attention that time. That would have been the right moment to bring up how you feel about her.

I think it's really essential that she knows you are seriously interested in her before making any other moves, or else they may not mean anything to her and she will think it's just the cookies you ate. So if you get another opportunity, which it sounds like you will from what you say, then I would treat it as if it were the last and just talk to her plain and honest.

If she no longer gives you the light of her interest and you remain hesitant, then I would just forget about her and save yourself from a painful situation in your apartment. From the way it sounds, she won't have a problem with finding other guys to flirt with, especially in the party scene.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

so when we got home we ate some leftovers in her room. it totally felt like she was waiting for me to make a move. we sat there on her bed next to each other eating with 0 distance between us, sometime we stood very close. in the end she took off her sweatshirt right in front of me and got closer. i am so ashamed of this: i did not make a move!!!!

Oh my goodness, you're freaking killing me here matey!

Let's review the facts:

- You were sat very, very close to a girl you find attractive, eating a meal together

- Said girl had been smiling at you all night and dancing with you

- You were both sat on a bed, of all things!

- She was removing items of clothing and moving towards you. I don't think it could be more obvious she likes you than if she had an eighty foot neon sign attached to her face stating it!

I think every bullet point there speaks for itself, lol

Still, don't be ashamed. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have "made a move" in that situation either. I completely understand what that weird inner indecision is like

I'd echo what the others have said, but I'd add one more thing. I've never been in that exact scenario myself, but it sounds like it was headed rapidly towards rather more serious territory if you'd have responded.

Are you ready for a physical commitment to her like that? I'd say you need to think that over, just because from what you've said I think you like her in a way that's more substantial than "quick physical fling" territory, which is what her behaviour suggests she wanted there.

Make sure next time you are clear with her and respond to her well. But also, if it's not what you feel right with, don't feel pressured to do anything too serious with her too quickly

 

[jim108]

thanks again for your responses

you're right. im stupid. i need to talk to her. we'll go shopping in a few minutes, ill talk to her after that.

 

[Lonely in BC]

thanks again for your responses

you're right. im stupid. i need to talk to her. we'll go shopping in a few minutes, ill talk to her after that.

No, you're not stupid Jim, you're apprehensive. Good luck.

 

[kamya]

I think you might have missed your window. Good luck but it might be too late :/

 

[Anten]

kamya, It was a perfect time to rock her socks off but sometimes lightening strikes twice in the same spot.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I think you might have missed your window. Good luck but it might be too late :/

Perhaps I'm being a sunny idealist, but I'd hope that if she was right for the OP in the first place, she wouldn't hold it against him that he didn't leap into bed with her on the first chance he got.

In fact, if Jim is sensible about it all, it might even heighten her liking for him.

*Waits eagerly for updates*

 

[Anten]

TheSolitaryMan, women generally aren't the one's who make the "first move" and when they do they are taking a huge risk. When you shot down their overt advances it makes them feel really bad because you are rejecting the. Either they think you are gay or you don't like them because what straight single man would turn them down? It makes them more apprehensive in the future about sticking themselves out on the line also.