New member and really struggling

[Lost and left out]

I have registered because I have hit a new low and hope to find answers.

I have no friends outside of work and work at desk in an office where I fail to fit in with coworkers. No one in the office approaches to converse with me and I am never invited to anything; if and when there is an open invitation, I do not feel like going because I feel so low in self esteem and so out of place. I have tried conversing with colleagues, and these conversations hardly ever last 5 minutes. The only conversation I have is about the weather, the weekend and so on, the thing is that I know these are so boring to talk about but I have no idea what to do about it. I have now got to the point where if there is a conversation going on and people are having fun, laughing and so on, I am unable to join in because I don’t know where to begin, colleagues know what I am and doing anything different will look awkward, I don’t feel like joining in because I feel I don’t belong in the circle either.

I find that one to one conversations are the better ones, and even these are hard as they only happen because of bumping into someone at work. I consider everyone at work as either an acquaintance or a colleague, as I don’t exist to people at work unless it involves work, that’s how bad things are.

When I am talking one to one or in a group, I instantly feel under pressure, and fall apart because of it and it’s downhill from there, this is really a struggle and has been for as long as I can remember. This is affecting me mentally as I know I am missing out and no one regards me as a friend. I know I will never have a close friend if I continue like this and I don’t even feel like looking at people to even greet them.

 

[user15010]

Hi, I can very much identify with your experiences. I can only hope it will get better for you with time. Best wishes!

 

[Finished]

I'm sorry you feel so alienated. IMO, the key to fitting in is getting to know a few people via one on ones. A key is getting people to come to you and/or having forced interactions. For instance, become the candy / donut person. Keep a candy dish with good stuff in it so that people will come to you. Then you can say, Hi! How are you today? etc, etc, etc. Then after you notice a regular say something like, I'm going to get lunch at XXXXXXXXXXX would you like to come with me? or something like that. Or, just pick something out and ask does this look correct to you? Could you read this and tell me what you think? I value your opinion, is this correct?

 

[Lost and left out]

Thank you Finished, this is something I could try, putting it in practise is the hard part.

 

[Rohini]

Hey - welcome...
I know what you mean about the "small-talk" - I don't do small-talk.. I don't enjoy it. It's empty and meaningless..
I am more of one-on-one person myself.. So I totally understand and identify with you.

Finished offered good advice as per usual. but tonight I am drawing a blank, however, for what it's worth - there are other people out there who do also relate to your issues.. <3

 

[Incognita]

Hugs. Hang on

 

[user 188644]

I honestly don't get why people show up just posting their problems. Like if a stranger came up to you and just unloaded how would you react? Make some friends here and see if anyone has any solutions. I really don't get why people show up going, let's talk about me. I don't think many stick around. Also go make a new account with either your name or something fun that relates to you. Your current one is some moody downer ****. All that being said, welcome and I hope this place helps.

 

[M_also_lonely]

This is one of the reason why I joined this place almost a decade ago.
This can be solved. But, it's.... a bit tricky to explain.

 

[9006]

I can relate. It's about sharing interests, personally I don't find many people who share my interests, but still I manage to find some when talking to people in work. I think it's a bit more complicated in a place like an office, though. Everyone is in close proximity and it's fairly quiet, I think if you don't say much you're then "known" for being a rare talker and so most people probably won't bother.

 

[Lost and left out]

I honestly don't get why people show up just posting their problems. Like if a stranger came up to you and just unloaded how would you react? Make some friends here and see if anyone has any solutions. I really don't get why people show up going, let's talk about me. I don't think many stick around. Also go make a new account with either your name or something fun that relates to you. Your current one is some moody downer ****. All that being said, welcome and I hope this place helps.

Thanks for your reply and I get what your saying, but would I really go up to a stranger or post something like this here where it belongs?

 

[Lost and left out]

I can relate. It's about sharing interests, personally I don't find many people who share my interests, but still I manage to find some when talking to people in work. I think it's a bit more complicated in a place like an office, though. Everyone is in close proximity and it's fairly quiet, I think if you don't say much you're then "known" for being a rare talker and so most people probably won't bother.

This is useful information that I can use, thanks.

 

[KimP]

Welcome, I wish I could help, but I’m terrible socially too. I mainly ramble on about things that interest me, like genealogy or books or animals.

 

[Deosil]

Hi and welcome. It is certainly lonely not having any friends.
Never give up - keep hoping.

 

[user 188522]

HI

 

[Oneman1]

Hey bro thanks for that my work mate in the same situation he just that person there three of us with different levels of anxiety 1of my mates takes medication for I didn't think I had it my other work mate young 24 year old is a very quiet almost annoying don't smoke don't drink no girl freinds no kids and his anxiety is has no remorse for people feelings he's thought like you couldn't fit in sometimes it wasn't he couldn't he just didn't so again thank you for sharing Kia kaha be strong your not alone bro✌

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Welcome to the forum mate. Best of luck to you.

I know for me, sometimes I'm so afraid of being awkward, that I become awkward. Vicious circles...

Maybe it's just the wrong environment? Maybe a little liquid courage at the pub (if you're of drinking age), would give you some leverage and a new angle. Or perhaps, the well is dry at work, and you'd fit in better somewhere else...

Anyway, welcome again.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Welcome L&LO. I expect the majority of people on this site, along with much of the world's population share your feelings and experiences. Unless you're unusually attractive or famous, striking up conversations and befriending people takes work, effort, and assertiveness. Many just give up on the process, but I'd encourage you not to.

You may or may not be able to change people's perception of you at work in order to deepen those relationships and conversations. But, keep an eye out for any newbies that enter your environment who may also be seeking a friend. If it's your turf, you need to be the one to reach out to someone new who enters the scene. They're more likely to be receptive when they're uncomfortable themselves and feeling alone and out of place.

As a full time world traveler, my social engagement depends on me initiating contact with strangers. Whenever I'm out and about in public, I look for opportunities to engage with others. That starts by looking at people and giving them a smile or nod if they look back. And if I'm in line, an elevator, or a sitting environment, I break the silence by offering a compliment or making a trivial comment. A positive response opens the door for me to follow up with a question about them - like where they're from, etc. As Dale Carnegie's famous book "How To Win Friends And Influence People" says, people love talking about themselves.

In short, look for opportunities every day, no matter where you are, to initiate contact with people. Most of those short encounters won't allow time for real any extended conversation, but they provide practice in assertiveness and communication. And ultimately, they lead to some level of relationship if you encounter those people again. I find a gym, restaurant, bar, church, or park walking area that one visits regularly to be worthwhile opportunities not to be neglected.

Look, smile, and speak kindly, and most people will respond favorably.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Welcome L&LO. I expect the majority of people on this site, along with much of the world's population share your feelings and experiences. Unless you're unusually attractive or famous, striking up conversations and befriending people takes work, effort, and assertiveness. Many just give up on the process, but I'd encourage you not to.

You may or may not be able to change people's perception of you at work in order to deepen those relationships and conversations. But, keep an eye out for any newbies that enter your environment who may also be seeking a friend. If it's your turf, you need to be the one to reach out to someone new who enters the scene. They're more likely to be receptive when they're uncomfortable themselves and feeling alone and out of place.

As a full time world traveler, my social engagement depends on me initiating contact with strangers. Whenever I'm out and about in public, I look for opportunities to engage with others. That starts by looking at people and giving them a smile or nod if they look back. And if I'm in line, an elevator, or a sitting environment, I break the silence by offering a compliment or making a trivial comment. A positive response opens the door for me to follow up with a question about them - like where they're from, etc. As Dale Carnegie's famous book "How To Win Friends And Influence People" says, people love talking about themselves.

In short, look for opportunities every day, no matter where you are, to initiate contact with people. Most of those short encounters won't allow time for real any extended conversation, but they provide practice in assertiveness and communication. And ultimately, they lead to some level of relationship if you encounter those people again. I find a gym, restaurant, bar, church, or park walking area that one visits regularly to be worthwhile opportunities not to be neglected.

Look, smile, and speak kindly, and most people will respond favorably.

To follow up on Sir Joseph's advice...

...I'm reading a book right now called, "The Gift of Friendship." And I just found this very little book, "The Book of Friendship."

I'm still reading through the first, and the second book is but a few minutes read, it seems. Though, I suspect, my lifespan alone wouldn't necessarily be enough to fully comprehend them..

A book can often be a good companion in times of distress.

 

[Lost and left out]

Welcome L&LO. I expect the majority of people on this site, along with much of the world's population share your feelings and experiences. Unless you're unusually attractive or famous, striking up conversations and befriending people takes work, effort, and assertiveness. Many just give up on the process, but I'd encourage you not to.

You may or may not be able to change people's perception of you at work in order to deepen those relationships and conversations. But, keep an eye out for any newbies that enter your environment who may also be seeking a friend. If it's your turf, you need to be the one to reach out to someone new who enters the scene. They're more likely to be receptive when they're uncomfortable themselves and feeling alone and out of place.

As a full time world traveler, my social engagement depends on me initiating contact with strangers. Whenever I'm out and about in public, I look for opportunities to engage with others. That starts by looking at people and giving them a smile or nod if they look back. And if I'm in line, an elevator, or a sitting environment, I break the silence by offering a compliment or making a trivial comment. A positive response opens the door for me to follow up with a question about them - like where they're from, etc. As Dale Carnegie's famous book "How To Win Friends And Influence People" says, people love talking about themselves.

In short, look for opportunities every day, no matter where you are, to initiate contact with people. Most of those short encounters won't allow time for real any extended conversation, but they provide practice in assertiveness and communication. And ultimately, they lead to some level of relationship if you encounter those people again. I find a gym, restaurant, bar, church, or park walking area that one visits regularly to be worthwhile opportunities not to be neglected.

Look, smile, and speak kindly, and most people will respond favorably.

Thank you for this and for the kind words.

I really think I could some of these things you have mentioned.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Hello. I'm a bit late to the party, but allow me to extend a belated welcome to you.