No purpose/motivation to live

[Rosewood]

Ever since some years ago I've been feeling increasingly empty. Last year I came to the conclusion that everything is pointless and that life is just a random assortment of molecules with no other purpose than reproducing itself, which will one day be extinguished and the universe won't even notice. I feel lonely but not in the simple social way, but kind of alone in the universe.
I've always been isolated and really I'm fine with that and I don't want to be with other people. But I still feel empty and modern city life sickens me. I admire hermits and it's a lifestyle I would really like but unfortunately I don't think I'd last a day alone, because of the food that is.
Then I thought about monastic life, which would be perfect to me since I am quiet and I could say I'm an ascetic,... except for the religious part. All my pathetic attempts of converting to Christianity have been doomed by my damn rationality. Every time I tried, I internally thought 'seriously?...religion?'. I wish I had the ability to believe, the people who do always have someone to turn to, or at least they believe they do.
I'm in my second year of college but I don't care about my career and I'm just passing because of inertia you know. What I would need is what some would call 'spiritual growth' I guess or actually anything to live for. I'm currently not suicidal, but very apathetic towards everything. As I've said, I can't find any reason to live or extend my life. I'm not interested in anything actually and every day is so damn boring.

I grew up strongly believing in the church my extended family established and attended. I realized as I got older so much didn't gel with me. The hypocrisy and older family dying left me wonder what else is there. Something ?? This can't be an accident. Life and all.
My daughter asked me to come to her coven. I liked it. Then again I saw hypocrisy. So many people seemed to like being in a religion where drinking. sex . drugs and all the Christian/Jewish taboos could now be okay.
No It is not all that I want. I'm good because I am. Not because of some promise. till my boyfriend (now dead) was also Wicca and prat iced medicine path. He was a t peace with all this.
I met a guy who is a good friend now. We talked about all this. He told me I was more pagan. I still keep the Sabbats as they follow the seasons. It doesn't matter to me weather you believe in God/Buddha/Goddess/ Great Spirits? and others. I just like to set myself apart. I try not to do harm, to be thankful for all the universe has blessed me with. I know whatever I do I will be rewarded. I try not to judge. Someone wrongs me it may be a test they are not aware of. Meditation was hard for me to get involved in. My mind hated the stillness at first. I know know what great men have long known. In the stillness of the mind you feel connected. I can forgive and move on easier knowing whatever is out there is good and we are all loved. Man has only been part of the cosmos for just a brief second. So be part of that plan for whatever time and now we are one. Being a mental health professional I see the lonely forgotten people ( mentally ill) help each other all the time. They who have so little give so much.