Not clean anymore

[Ymir]

I lost count of how many months I was clean of self-harm but it all went down the drain earlier today... And it was one of my worst wounds too. This is going to get graphic but I shaved off a patch of skin on my leg and told everyone it was a shaving accident.

I don't know what brought me back to step 0. What worries me is that while I know there is a problem, I cannot pinpoint what it is and I don't see it as an issue, either. I have this feeling I'll always pick up the habit again until I find out what is wrong and why it's wrong.

 

[kamya]

Welp. I bet that hurt like ****.

Might want to go to a psychiatrist. They are trained to help people figure out whats going on and whats wrong.

I found this if it helps any.
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/chi...y/treating-self-harm-children-and-adolescents

It says

Nonsuicidal deliberate self-harm (DSH) in adolescents reflects underlying hopelessness and low self-esteem as well as other factors that precipitate attempts to deal with unacceptable inner feelings and/or impact the behaviors of others, such as peers or family members.

also

Early intervention may prevent or at least reduce chronic DSH behavior that if left untreated may become impervious to treatment. The risk of completed suicide increases over time with repeated DSH. Ignoring DSH may lead to suicide that might have been prevented.

Studies also note that most persons involved with DSH are secretive or hidden from psychiatric scrutiny.28 Only 50% of youths who self-harm seek professional help. Always be on the lookout for hidden DSH and ask questions if the evaluation reveals suspicious clues (eg, skin trauma consistent with self-cutting or other self-injury). Remember that youths engaged in DSH are at heightened risk for many high-risk behaviors, including unprotected sexual activity and illicit drug use. - See more at: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/chi...children-and-adolescents#sthash.d0qrTthb.dpuf

So yeah. I think you need help.

[Edit - Sorry you're going through this stuff. I didn't want to make it seem like I was being cold or rude.]

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

Ymir, don't think that because you had a moment of lapse with this that you've lost all the ground that you'd made already. It's a little like someone that has a cigarette when they have stopped smoking, that one cigarette doesn't mean they are a smoker all over again, it was just something they reached for at a particular moment & having done they can return to not smoking afterwards again.

It can be helpful to not give yourself too hard a time about stuff sometimes, don't panic about it happening this once, be aware that it happened but make a return to where you were with the improvements you had made, be kind to yourself & learn to reward yourself when you take a step forward. Concentrate on what you CAN do & what positive stiff you have been doing to help you through.

It might be an idea as kamya suggests to see someone who is trained to help you with this.

 

[Ymir]

Thank you for the kind words.

I've been seeing a therapist actually, and for a long while now, and I'll tell her as soon as possible, although I might go to a new one. She likes to say I'm completely normal just because I never showed up crying or anything but... There's something wrong and I'd love if she decided to try and find out some time, hahaha.

Just feeling a bit frustrated that some people seem to know clearly why they do it and I'm still debating if it's *that* wrong to do it.

 

[Tiina63]

I hope that your present therapist is able to help you or, if you find a new one, he or she is understanding and gives you the support you need. I agree, too, with Alma. Try not to be hard on yourself over this. You have made great progress and this is just a setback on the road to recovery.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Just because you stumble, does not mean you have lost all the progress you've made. Just get back up and keep fighting to be free of wanting to do it again.

A therapist is good, I would definitely look into finding a different one, if you don't feel this one listens to you and sees that there is something you need help with.
Also, have you thought about joining a support group for people who self harm? I know quite a few people who have told me they couldn't have stopped without those groups.

Good luck on your journey, Ymir and never give up, regardless of how many times you stumble.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Thank you for the kind words.

I've been seeing a therapist actually, and for a long while now, and I'll tell her as soon as possible, although I might go to a new one. She likes to say I'm completely normal just because I never showed up crying or anything but... There's something wrong and I'd love if she decided to try and find out some time, hahaha.

Just feeling a bit frustrated that some people seem to know clearly why they do it and I'm still debating if it's *that* wrong to do it.

Many people know it is wrong for them to do, for one reason or another. But if you're thinking somewhere that it's not, it's probably going to be difficult to stop. I know it's wrong for me to eat almonds because I'm allergic to them, but i eat them anyway. I actually have that connection that it's wrong and it's hard for me to stop. If I thought there was nothing wrong with my throat closing up, I'd never stop. Not comparing self-harm to food, but i get the idea.

You'll have to figure out if you think it's worth doing it before you can figure out how to stop. I think that's why relapses happen, maybe people lose sight of the bigger picture. Trying to put the cart before the horse. Keep trying to figure it out though. That's something only you can figure out. It's only failing if you refuse to try again being clean with it.

 

[Pike Creek]

I developed that same problem back in the early 2000's. Back then it was a semi-weekly occurrence. I knew it was due to unresolved issues of abuse and shame, self-hatred and anger. It became a problem where if my anxiety was brimming too high towards panic, I would do it as a way to calm myself down because the 2 different sedatives I was taking were no longer working. I was seeing different therapists over a nine year period but, as I've said before, I can't say, even now, if they helped me or if it was time and my own efforts. I don't think therapy is useless though, if you feel one isn't helping, it's fine to try seeing another one.

Even though I know I've come to terms with things that happened and have nearly healed myself from panic attacks, when my anxiety gets high...it's the FIRST thing I think about. I am able now to stop myself, but not always. During the last fight with my bf, I did it. I hate that I did it, but in my state, I couldn't see any other option.

Someone once told me to call if I felt the need to s-i, what they don't understand is that once you get into that state, you aren't calling anyone, you just have to do it, get it over with.

Knowing that, I apply some steps when I start to feel the stress starting. I don't let the anxiety get to the point where I'm struggling. I don't take meds anymore, but I do have a bottle of passionflower tincture with me and 20 or so drops in water calms me INSTANTLY, no joke. Sometimes it's more than just finding the root of the problem, it's prevention that you need to work on just as much.

The worst thing you can do is feel guilt. It's over, you can't change that. I hope you find a way to manage it. It's not easy, but you can definitely overcome it and manage it. It takes time and courage, you have that in you for sure.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

*hugs*

 

[ladyforsaken]

Ymir, I'm sorry to read about this. *hugs*
I'm not in a position to say anything useful but I hope things will get better for you.

 

[stork_error]

Ive heard that food addictions are the bodys way of trying to boost serotonin levels. As for self injury Im really sorry, I honestly haven't got a clue. I've tried to understand it but its one of those things that is extremely hard to understand unless you actually have it. I'm sure that part makes it worse sometimes, when people dont get it. I do recognize that its an awful struggle for those who do it however and I hope this was just an isolated incident for you.

 

[Ymir]

Ive heard that food addictions are the bodys way of trying to boost serotonin levels. As for self injury Im really sorry, I honestly haven't got a clue. I've tried to understand it but its one of those things that is extremely hard to understand unless you actually have it. I'm sure that part makes it worse sometimes, when people dont get it. I do recognize that its an awful struggle for those who do it however and I hope this was just an isolated incident for you.

Yeah, everyone's like WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. It feels relaxing somehow. Don't know. Everyone has a way to cope with things and I have a lot of things to cope with hahaha.

Pike, I'm still trying to figure out what works for me in matters of prevention. That "call someone" thing is as useless as you think it is. When I'm on the "mood", I'll think no one cares. The thought of talking to someone doesn't even cross my mind, especially because I have no close friends that I can talk about it anyway... I find painting to be very relaxing, though, or any form of craft where I can get my hands dirty. Going to buy a few brushes and watercolors and see where it takes me.

I'm feeling somewhat better about it. If I'm correct, I've been clean for almost a year. It's a progress from doing it multiple times a day, everyday. Just need to pick myself up again.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I wanted to get some paints and a book and start painting, too. If anything, it can help keep your mind away from things that aren't that great for you. I love being so lost in something that I forget everything around me.

 

[Pike Creek]

Pike, I'm still trying to figure out what works for me in matters of prevention. That "call someone" thing is as useless as you think it is. When I'm on the "mood", I'll think no one cares. The thought of talking to someone doesn't even cross my mind, especially because I have no close friends that I can talk about it anyway... I find painting to be very relaxing, though, or any form of craft where I can get my hands dirty. Going to buy a few brushes and watercolors and see where it takes me.

I'm feeling somewhat better about it. If I'm correct, I've been clean for almost a year. It's a progress from doing it multiple times a day, everyday. Just need to pick myself up again.

Well, in my case, high anxiety with certain fears attached is what triggers me. These fears are usually unfounded but as anyone with anxiety knows, they FEEL real. As my anxiety rises, it usually won't stop unless I take that passionflower, that's when I can think reasonably and talk my own way out of it. It's a bandaid for emergencies.

I can't even go to my bf when this occurs, I hide in the bathroom, turn on the shower and do it somewhere I hope he won't see it. It's too much of a shameful thing for me, and calling someone, even a help line, it doesn't even enter my radar when I'm in that state. So I realized it's all about prevention.

For me, it's reducing stress in all its forms. It's a lot of work every day but it works for me.
1. Getting off meds, they made me paranoid; replacing them with vitamins, fish oil and herbs daily.
2. Exercise DAILY no excuse is good enough not to; the endorphin release is vital for me every day.
3. Yoga daily - stretching the muscles relaxes the body as well as the mind.
4. And lastly, steering clear of stressful situations, like, having a savings account for emergencies, keeping the car maintenance up to date, making sure all my bills are paid - part of my panic is a fear of homelessness. Though I take this steering clear of stress sometimes to an extreme where I've become more or less a happy little hermit because I don't want to deal with people in general - I find they stress me terribly.

Hobbies are so important. I paint too, I love it. I knit, I write a silly blog every day. I write poetry. I make sure my life is structured since I don't work, I'm on disability for life. Having a structure keeps me healthy. And you know, hobbies that involve your hands help you focus more on what you're doing, clear your mind and bring on a state of relaxation.

You obviously have the will to want to control this affliction, it's just finding the combination that works for you. If meds help, I'm all for it, but they didn't work for me. The natural route has helped me tremendously. As Stork honestly wrote, and it's true, it's hard to relate if you've never done it. People assume it's being done for Emo reasons or for attention...what happens to me is an instant wash-over of calm since s-i also releases pain-relieving endorphins - and in my case, stopped my panic attacks nearly instantly. But it becomes a crutch, so you need to find other ways to produce those calming endorphins.

---

I wanted to get some paints and a book and start painting, too. If anything, it can help keep your mind away from things that aren't that great for you. I love being so lost in something that I forget everything around me.

You know what I did? I downloaded some old Bob Ross painting shows. Not sure if you know him, he was a PBS painter from the 80's...most calming man I've ever heard speak...his painting method is so easy and everyone can do it. That's how I started painting, and it's become a wonderful hobby now. It's an investment at first because he uses oil paint, but once you get the hang of his method, you can use acrylics too.

 

[mintymint]

A year is still a significant accomplishment. Hopefully you can find a therapist who can understand you better.

 

[Ymir]

Exercise used to be one of my favorite things but as I got sick and my time got limited, I had to let go of my true passion that is ballet and while I enjoy soccer, it isn't much of a thrill for me. I'm definitely considering get into painting because it isn't much of a physical strain and I believe it can help me. Yoga is another thing I want to get involved with, though as of now, I don't have the energy...

I'll have a chat with my therapist and explain to her how I think she's failing before going through the trouble of looking for another one and explaining myself all over again. People hardly believe when I tell that I struggle with self-harm anyway, since I don't really live up to the image of emo and angsty teenager.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I see no problem with cutting in of itself (not recommending it per se). I've cut myself out of boredom or curiosity before. I've done surface peircing rituals and such. Tatoos are an acceptable form of marking that date back to tribal days.

I don't think you are cutting or self harming, so much as, making a cry for help. If it's not something you want to be doing, or something that makes you feel bad about yourself, so, I hope you can find better outlets for your pain and suffering.

Although, I definitely understand it, don't judge it. However, some people see it as a bad habit that needs to be stopped. I think this only evolved out of other people's negative response.

When I cut, I wasn't looking for people to poopoo me and say, bad boy, don't do that, I care. I was looking for people to be shocked and awed.

I do get a lot of poopoo-ing and most people don't understand my scars, which is annoying, but for the most part, people are often in awe of them. I'm proud of them. They are my tatoos. I don't feel the need to express myself that way anymore, though. I suppose I have enough of them that the point has been made, and I've mellowed out a bit.

Can't exactly tell you how to stop cutting if it bothers you so much. I just sort of gave up on it over the years. Guess I grew out of it.

That's my 2 cents. Good luck to you.

Also worth mentioning, for me personally anyway, there was a narcisistic component to cutting. Looking at the blood, watching it leak out, etc.. etc.. No more narcisistic than a tatoo or something of that sort, but..

I mean really... If you cut yourself and use proper anti-septics to clean yourself up, your not really harming yourself... You will heal. What you are really doing is 'marking' yourself. 3 shots of whiskey is more self-harming than some cutting. It's just skin, it will heal. Brain cells you can't get back. It's all about what is socially acceptable in your culture.

My parents were pretty accepting of my cutting. They didn't like it, but, it mostly just annoyed them, having to take me to the hospital if I cut too deep, dealing with peoples reactions to their sons weird behavior and such.

A smoking habit is self-harmful. Cutting won't cause cancer, you won't die from it (unless you are attempting to self terminate by cutting major arteries). Cutting is a pretty benign behavior. The only thing that is taboo about it, is the marks it leaves, and the questions it raises, and the emotions it evokes in those who see your marks.

That's my take. If you want to cut, cut, who the **** cares (just be safe about it, and understand that most people won't understand, and it might be hard to get jobs, and you'll be judged a lot, might be put into the psychiatric system if you are a minor, be aware of the consequences of marking yourself in a taboo manner). If you don't want to cut, but do, I find that weird personally, but, good luck changing your habit. We all have habits, they can be changed. Good luck.

 

[Jacob1]

I lost count of how many months I was clean of self-harm but it all went down the drain earlier today... And it was one of my worst wounds too. This is going to get graphic but I shaved off a patch of skin on my leg and told everyone it was a shaving accident.

I don't know what brought me back to step 0. What worries me is that while I know there is a problem, I cannot pinpoint what it is and I don't see it as an issue, either. I have this feeling I'll always pick up the habit again until I find out what is wrong and why it's wrong.

Dude stop I used to be where your at send me your number ill help you this who I am I posted a pic of me you can trust me ill help I'm a lonely 18 year old no friends ill help you cause I know

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^Posting a picture (that may or may not be you) on a forum online doesn't mean that anyone can trust you.

If you have help to offer (resources, support groups, websites, etc), then you can state them openly here on the forum.

 

[Jacob1]

^^^Posting a picture (that may or may not be you) on a forum online doesn't mean that anyone can trust you.

If you have help to offer (resources, support groups, websites, etc), then you can state them openly here on the forum.

Dude that why you have no friends I just want to help someone out you want another pic maybe a pic with my middle finger up lol I'm joking I'm jokester that why I have no friends and I'm on here. No but seriously you want me to prove its me

---

^^^Posting a picture (that may or may not be you) on a forum online doesn't mean that anyone can trust you.

If you have help to offer (resources, support groups, websites, etc), then you can state them openly here on the forum.

Hey I'm sorry man I'm bipolar I need help plz don't take offense I'm sorry dude