Nothing ever works...

[outoftowners42]

I am 20 years old (I know many of you will say that is young and not to worry), but the last three years I have been trying to find someone special and hoping to get them to go on a date with me. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed, nothing. First, I have a hard time even finding women to talk to. I don't know exactly where to find them. I was self-schooled through highschool and now I am an engineering major so my classes are full of guys. Needless to say, the women that are in engineering can find any guy they want in the department, and it certainly won't be me. My church does coed groups, almost everyone in my dorm has a boyfriend or is not interested.

I am just not special in anything. I'm not that great looking, I don't have confidence around women, and I have lost self esteem from the rejections when I ask women out. So my question is, how the heck can I find this special person? I would like to have someone that cares about me besides my parents. I don't even feel like I have very many close friends. I just can't understand why women would reject someone on a date if they are single. The whole point of a date is to learn more about someone, and rejecting them before that is just an insult!

What can I do?

 

[A new life]

You're in school?
Take classes that have lots of women, and just relax.
Get more hobbies and interests where you'll meet people.
People have friends and their friends have friends.
You might get introduced to Ms. Right.
I know it's tough, but you're soooooo young.
Try not to make it a big deal.
Dress up nice, and smile.

 

[Mr. Sir]

I am 20 years old (I know many of you will say that is young and not to worry), but the last three years I have been trying to find someone special and hoping to get them to go on a date with me. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed, nothing. First, I have a hard time even finding women to talk to. I don't know exactly where to find them. I was self-schooled through highschool and now I am an engineering major so my classes are full of guys. Needless to say, the women that are in engineering can find any guy they want in the department, and it certainly won't be me. My church does coed groups, almost everyone in my dorm has a boyfriend or is not interested.

I am just not special in anything. I'm not that great looking, I don't have confidence around women, and I have lost self esteem from the rejections when I ask women out. So my question is, how the heck can I find this special person? I would like to have someone that cares about me besides my parents. I don't even feel like I have very many close friends. I just can't understand why women would reject someone on a date if they are single. The whole point of a date is to learn more about someone, and rejecting them before that is just an insult!

What can I do?

Go to the gym and get on a bulk and cut program.

Find a female friend and have her be your style coach.

Take a martial arts class and eventually a dance class.

Get rid of any acne or hygiene issues you have.

Get a part time job for cash, and always come up with ways to make more money so you always have cash in your pocket.

Be tough when around other guys, but soft and gentle around girls.

Follow those steps and you should be able to get a significant portion of cute girls interested in you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Tip one: Don't listen to Socrates. All he spits out is rubbish.

Best I can suggest to you is be yourself and relax. There's nothing to be scare of or nervous of. I'm sure someone will like you for who you are.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I dont think Xs tips r rubbish
Rule #1...dont take advice from women that aint going to give it up.
#2. Dont listen to women period..theyre crazy
*3 some women might not like it..but ur a man..think N act like a man..and sometime or most times u just gotta treat women like theyre just bumps on the road. U dont need her..she aint **** no matter how hawt she is...ur not so freaken desperate.. U can do better

yeah..dude a make over..
If you ask chciks in ur dorm to help u.
it.s actually good pick up stratigy
Women wants to help people. It makes them feel good .Plus if u get one..u'll get them all. And it show the humble side of u. Then u be amaze when chicks give u their #.." call me for anything....ANYTHING".
Being tough not for the women..its for the dudes..
Of course women dont want be treated bad.....ding dong.lol

Will..yeah a sexy body dosnt hurt.

Martial arts or anytypes of arts has spiritual or lving principles..

Yesh dude money and a cool ride.

 

[Poueff]

My suggestion would be,basicly go out,don't be locked on your routine,you can find girls everywhere. Let's do basic math here,ok?

There are about 3,6 Billion Women in the world,give or take
If you take out all of the "kids" and all of the "oldies" you'd have about 2,2 Billion
Half it up because of the already taken and you get 1,1 Billion
That = close to 15% of the world's population

Hm,I don't know where you live,but I'll just use my hometown's example,as it would be close to some normal town in the US.
In Porto (county) live about 4 Million people
Divide that by 15 and you have 25.000 single girls,just waiting for someone

I know the math isn't exact,but even so

I just want to pick on one thing you said:
"I just can't understand why women would reject someone on a date if they are single. The whole point of a date is to learn more about someone, and rejecting them before that is just an insult!"

Women would and will reject people on a date if they are single because they won't feel atracted by that someone. If they don't like you,it doesn't matter if they're single. Why would they not reject someone who they don't like?

 

[LGH1288]

(Respectfully snipped)

Nothing ever works...What can I do?

Take...a dance class.

I dont think Xs tips r rubbish

Great dancers make great lovers; they know how to move the groove! LG

 

[Mr. Sir]

Tip one: Don't listen to Socrates. All he spits out is rubbish.

Best I can suggest to you is be yourself and relax. There's nothing to be scare of or nervous of. I'm sure someone will like you for who you are.

I'm actually starting to get legitimately angry how whenever a lonely GUY in his early TWENTIES comes here in pain and asking for advice, and I give him straight practical advice THAT DOESN'T HARM ANYONE and that I know WORKS it is dismissed as "rubbish". WE ARE TRYING TO INCREASE THE DUDE'S SELF-ESTEEM. Self-esteem comes from previous achievements. This guy has already stated that he has "tried everything" and how it hasn't worked. I think he's past the "being himself" stage and waiting.

HOW MANY "NICE GUYS" DO YOU THINK HAVE ALREADY "BEEN THEMSELVES" AND WANTED A WOMAN TO "LIKE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE?" PROBABLY ALOT, AND I KNOW SCORES OF GUYS WHO DID THAT, AND ENDED UP RUNNING FAVORS FOR GIRLS WHILE THE GIRLS COMPLETELY IGNORED THEM!! AND ALL IT DID WAS LEAVE THE GUY FEELING HOPELESS AND IN A CLINICAL DEPRESSION.

If anything, people who give impractical, metaphysical advice are the cruelest people around, because it sends them on a wild goose chase, that ends up with them being heart-broken and having their self-esteem shattered.

I'm sorry I am being so harsh, VanillaCreme, but it strikes an extremely sensitive nerve everytime I hear someone say "be yourself" or "someone will come along".

 

[VanillaCreme]

Being yourself is the best way. Why would someone pretend to be what they're not? That doesn't make sense. And even if it works, sooner or later, the jig is up, and the person finds out they aren't that way. I'm sorry, but you're overly done "Jersey Shore" male attitude/appearance makes me want to become a nun. You have no idea what works for anyone else, so to suggest the same thing to everyone over and over just makes it even more ridiculous and fake.

At least by being your true self, you don't have to keep up the act, you don't have to keep pretending to be this buff macho man. Pretending to be something that you're not has to be tiring.

 

[Brian]

Be tough when around other guys, but soft and gentle around girls.

Unless you work with mature adults, in which case this will get you completely and totally shunned, as in the case of a would-be EMT at my agency who pretty much doesn't have a shot at advancement because he's a cocky meathead and it's painfully easy to see through his juvenile ****.

The other suggestions I actually don't disagree with, though I still think dancing and martial arts classes are overcompensation unless it's something you're interested in. Just seems silly to me I guess, I don't like dancing so I'm not going to pretend I want to, and I don't need martial arts because around here we just shoot people

The bottom line for success is that you need to live a life that lets you build confidence in yourself. Be bold, and do not be afraid to be assertive; but be calm about it. And know when it's time to shut up; there are places (ie, the workplace) where it is appropriate to listen and learn and not be a snot nosed kid. There is a point when it is painfully obvious that you are trying to overcompensate or prove a point and that's kid stuff. It is possible to achieve a middle ground, through genuine cultivation of our lives, where we are respectful, respectable, funny, confident guys who are comfortable with ourselves; ultimately, this will get you more success in all aspects of your life than being a 'Nice Guy' or a 'Pick-up Artist' ever will.

 

[Mary Mary]

outoftowners42 hasn't given us enough details to know if the problem is really him and he needs to change, or if he's just being impatient and he should just be himself. (He admitted to not being in environments where there are a lot of women; and he hasn't really said how many times he's been rejected.)

Sometimes a person just can't be themselves. Isn't that the essence of this message board: recognizing that, right or wrong, we have to accept that there are certain realities and skills needed in interacting with other people? We shouldn't try to pretend to be something that we're not, but we may need to change the basic way that we interact with other people if we want to achieve a different result.

Socrates is right. If the OP has confidence problems, taking martial arts will ABSOLUTELY HELP. The reason is martial arts arose, as the name implies, out of real battlefield hand-to-hand combat. If you don't fight with supreme confidence, you will get injured or killed. That's why an essential component of martial arts training is learning to act with confidence. It takes about three to four years to get a black belt. During that time, you will spend day after day practicing acting with confidence. At first, it'll be an act; but emotion follows action, and soon you'll feel more confident, not just in martial arts class but in every other area of your life.

Socrates is also right about men getting used as lap dogs, too. I don't know if this is the OP's problem, but it's a reality. It's not that these men are doing anything wrong, but their generous and patient nature makes them prone to being used. If you find that you're being used often, then you owe it to yourself to change your behavior. Once again, not because you were doing anything wrong; but you recognize the reality that the world just isn't always a nice place. A woman of character will not let a man that they don't have a romantic interest in do them endless favors or give them gifts; not all women are this compassionate or ethical.

Finally, if rejection is really bothering you, get a job in sales where you have approach people by phone or, better yet, in person and try and make a sales--even if it's just a part time one. A couple of things will happen. At first, you'll get really depressed from all the rejection; but then you'll get desensitized to it. You'll also realize that it's just a numbers game. You have to approach 100 people to get 20 to show interest. Out of that 20, you'll make five sales. Finally, you'll start to realize that dating is the same way. Even though you can improve your approach to get more 'sales', it still just a numbers game. I've heard many times that salesman get the hottest women because they're not afraid to approach them. I've also had the same result. The quality of men that I date have increased substantially since I had to do door-to-door sales because I don't care about rejection anymore.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Like Marry said. Its a numbers gaming.
Just as in bnussiness. I had to submit bids for mulity milliom dallor contracts..which envolve a lot of work
I might get a couple of contracts out of 20 . And its not even that easy becuase clients will demands all kinds of things from you...but you learn how to close a deal..and u also learn how to walk away from a bad deal. Plenty of hawt salewomen came to my office and will try to sale me everything...
A beautiful women had thousands of guys approched her...So u better bring alot to the table... Then" hey i think ur pretty.
Guitar players gose through more g-strings buz somewhere along the line Im banging my head N not giving a **** on stage...stage frieght was narely dudes...u can see every move I make N hear every crappy notes I played.. I make love 2 my guitar though.hahaaa

timing..its her mood or how she's feeling. Make yourself avaliable @ the gym.lol Shes feeling good from natural endorphine. Shell associate U with good feelings.
if shes bichie. Move on.

 

[Code S.O.L]

Finally, if rejection is really bothering you, get a job in sales where you have approach people by phone or, better yet, in person and try and make a sales--even if it's just a part time one. A couple of things will happen. At first, you'll get really depressed from all the rejection; but then you'll get desensitized to it. You'll also realize that it's just a numbers game. You have to approach 100 people to get 20 to show interest. Out of that 20, you'll make five sales. Finally, you'll start to realize that dating is the same way. Even though you can improve your approach to get more 'sales', it still just a numbers game. I've heard many times that salesman get the hottest women because they're not afraid to approach them. I've also had the same result. The quality of men that I date have increased substantially since I had to do door-to-door sales because I don't care about rejection anymore.

In short, become a door-to-door saleman then?

 

[Mr. Sir]

Finally, if rejection is really bothering you, get a job in sales where you have approach people by phone or, better yet, in person and try and make a sales--even if it's just a part time one. A couple of things will happen. At first, you'll get really depressed from all the rejection; but then you'll get desensitized to it. You'll also realize that it's just a numbers game. You have to approach 100 people to get 20 to show interest. Out of that 20, you'll make five sales. Finally, you'll start to realize that dating is the same way. Even though you can improve your approach to get more 'sales', it still just a numbers game. I've heard many times that salesman get the hottest women because they're not afraid to approach them. I've also had the same result. The quality of men that I date have increased substantially since I had to do door-to-door sales because I don't care about rejection anymore.

In short, become a door-to-door saleman then?

Yes it is very similar to door-to-door sales. A numbers game.

Also, for anyone who thinks it's an "act" to get jacked and learn martial arts, that doesn't make any sense. One is a body form, and the other is a skill that no one can take away from you. It's just a way of protecting yourself from bullies, and a way to keep fear out of your head, because no girls are attracted to guys who are afraid of things.

 

[Mary Mary]

In short, become a door-to-door saleman then?

Yes. My clients were businesses. I used to have to make cold calls, and I would also go to every industrial park I could find and go into every business trying to meet the general manager.

A possibility for someone who just wants an easy to get into, part time sales job would be selling ads to businesses for radio or magazines.

 

[Mr. Sir]

Mary, please tell me you're a woman.

If you are, I am so happy to have a woman backing my points up so I can help save lonely, awkward, timid guys from a lifetime of involuntary singledom and celibacy that will lead them into a deep clinical depression.

 

[outoftowners42]

Thanks for the advice. I am reading every comment. Mary, what more info shall I provide? I've asked only 2 women out, both rejected. I know thats tiny samples, but I just don't want to go asking out every girl I meet. Like I said, I want it to be special when it works.

 

[Mr. Sir]

PM me a pic if you feel comfortable, usually the problem is visible.

 

[Mary Mary]

Mary, please tell me you're a woman.

If you are, I am so happy to have a woman backing my points up so I can help save lonely, awkward, timid guys from a lifetime of involuntary singledom and celibacy that will lead them into a deep clinical depression.

I am a female. I know what you're talking about because I'm the female version of you. Even though men and women use each other differently (men use women for sex; women use men as unpaid therapists, unpaid handymen, or meal tickets), the basic premise is the same. There are people who will fake romantic interest in other people to get what they want. We're particularly vulnerable because we're patient, generous, and just easy to be around.

There's nothing wrong with men wanting casual sex from me just as there's nothing wrong with women wanting you as a friend; but what right do they have to make that decision for us and to feign romantic interest to get us to play roles that we don't want to play?

I also have a guy friend who unwittingly gets thrust into the lap dog category a lot; and it's so painful to watch. I'm educating him on how to spot attention whores. When I first started telling him about it, he was stunned to hear it; but he could see how it all fit.

---

Thanks for the advice. I am reading every comment. Mary, what more info shall I provide? I've asked only 2 women out, both rejected. I know thats tiny samples, but I just don't want to go asking out every girl I meet. Like I said, I want it to be special when it works.

It's good that you want it to be special, but you will have to date a lot of women to find The One; and that's what makes it special. When you find her, you'll tell her that you chose her out of the many.

Also, it's hard to say if the problem is you if you've only asked two women out. If you've asked 60 women out and they all said no, then you are probably the problem. If you want to date, you have to get used to rejection.

---

PM me a pic if you feel comfortable, usually the problem is visible.

Who? The OP?

 

[Mr. Sir]

Yeah, I wanna see the OP's pic.

Hey Mary,

Thanks for coming to the forum. I'm really glad that you're here.