online dating find: perhaps it's not you, it's your environment

[Paraiyar]

Spambot above me...

I'm beginning to wonder if this is part of my problem. I feel like I might have an easier time finding a girlfriend in Europe or the U.S than here in NZ. Feel like I'm not compatible with most of them.

 

[matt4]

Some people go into dates with the wrong mindset totally. Of course this applies to women who I've met off dating sites.

They treat the first meet as a "date" and start looking for instant "sparks" rather then just seeing how things go and looking to have a good time. Which is how things should go. A lot of dating sites/media give people the idea you can manufacture a relationship and you need to look for instant connections.

Age isn't a problem, I've seen some people have some creepy photos.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-...time-to-stop-acting-like-youre-a-love-psychic <-- very true article

 

[mrairdrie]

My experience with online dating has been terrible. In 7 years I never got a response from any woman. I tried hiring a dating coach last year to help with profile; dress; photos; messages I was sending out etc.

I tried for a 6 month period everyday sending 10 messages a day to women who were showing online on two different dating sites and never got a single e-mail reply.

 

[TheSkaFish]

They treat the first meet as a "date" and start looking for instant "sparks" rather then just seeing how things go and looking to have a good time. Which is how things should go. A lot of dating sites/media give people the idea you can manufacture a relationship and you need to look for instant connections.

This is something I've often thought, myself. I've been skeptical of online dating and how it could work because that's essentially what it is, manufacturing a relationship.

Then there's the whole thing of people looking for instant "sparks" and connections. I just don't think "sparks" and connections are always instant, and I wonder how many people get written off because the "spark" wasn't instant, when had they been given a chance over time, perhaps there would have been a spark later.

I've always thought that in the dating world outside of the dating sites, that people find others with looks they like and interests they like or at least tolerate, and if you can actually talk to each other, then maybe the "spark" develop over time. I've always thought of connections as being more of a gradual thing. Sure, there is love at first sight but I always thought that was rare, not the rule.

 

[Xpendable]

Yeah, my demographic sucks. As well as the cultural movement of the city.

 

[Paraiyar]

God I'm really feeling this right now. Wish I could meet more women from Europe here.

 

[matt4]

What do people think is so different about European women?

 

[LonelySutton]

Then there's the whole thing of people looking for instant "sparks" and connections. I just don't think "sparks" and connections are always instant, and I wonder how many people get written off because the "spark" wasn't instant, when had they been given a chance over time, perhaps there would have been a spark later.

This is why I think that arranged marriages get a bad wrap. I think in previous worlds people married someone and sort of grew to love them. Part of that process was almost always being on good behavior because you knew you were kind of stuck with that person. Now it is like "spark; magic; magic" and that is stuff of movies. Just as much as bad arranged marriages were bad, current relationship procedures are bad because people run at the first sign of trouble. I think there is something with friendships and relationships to being sort of trapped with a person and getting to know them -- getting past all those little annoyances and finally seeing them clearly.

Rather than wasting time with online dating I would suggest that maybe people get like part time jobs to meet women. You get to spend time with people under somewhat stressful conditions and you have to stay no matter how much that person annoys you at the moment. You can always quit eventually but....

 

[TheSkaFish]

This is why I think that arranged marriages get a bad wrap. I think in previous worlds people married someone and sort of grew to love them. Part of that process was almost always being on good behavior because you knew you were kind of stuck with that person. Now it is like "spark; magic; magic" and that is stuff of movies. Just as much as bad arranged marriages were bad, current relationship procedures are bad because people run at the first sign of trouble. I think there is something with friendships and relationships to being sort of trapped with a person and getting to know them -- getting past all those little annoyances and finally seeing them clearly.

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle, like most things. With arranged marriages there's the possibility of getting stuck with someone that has no common interests and that you can't even talk to. Connections could grow, or they could not and you could just be trapped in a passionless existence. And it also feels like your free will is being trampled on. But on the other hand with pure free will, everyone wants everything now now now. This is the whole "spark" thing. I do think love at first sight can happen but I think that sparks can also build, the longer you get to know someone.

I agree with you that people are way too quick to flee at the first sign of trouble, real or imagined. I think it's also bad when people get written off for "no spark" or incompatibility when you meet someone that you feel you can connect with, but for some reason you're not at your best, you make some mistakes, and you don't present yourself as best you could be - and you get written off for it. I think a lot of the little annoyances and even some of the big ones can be worked around if the parties talk to one another about it, instead of just expecting the other person to know. Maybe they would gladly change, gladly drop some bad habits for you because they think you're worth it. Then of course people are quick to cry foul because you're compromising your individuality, but if you're improving and getting rid of bad habits then I don't see why that's a problem.

Rather than wasting time with online dating I would suggest that maybe people get like part time jobs to meet women. You get to spend time with people under somewhat stressful conditions and you have to stay no matter how much that person annoys you at the moment. You can always quit eventually but....

I see what you're saying but I just don't think work is the best place to see someone's true colors. Unless you love your job, most people are just doing things because they pay decently, better than what they'd rather do at this point - so I'd say it's not their "natural habitat" so to speak.

I have to say I like some things about online dating or at least meeting someone online. You can see their interests and by the way they write you can sort of get a sense for their personality. Also there's just more options. That's nice for me because I've never worked with someone I've been attracted to, and my friends don't know anyone I'd really be crazy about either. In fact, even at school there was never really anyone I was interested in. I've only met girls I wanted to date online. But they were people I got to know on forums, not dating sites. It's like I remember you saying on another post - it's hard to find someone that would actually enhance my life.

 

[Paraiyar]

What do people think is so different about European women?

Speaking in absolute generalizations the ones I have met seem far more sophisticated and classy then Kiwi women are. I've always found that I can have a good conversations with women from Germany, Poland or Italy and that has never been my general experience with women in my own country (New Zealand). They're generally friendlier as well whereas a lot of Kiwi women just don't want to know me. I also think Europe has the most beautiful women in the world. Again, this is all generalizations but you asked the question so I thought I'd answer honestly.

 

[matt4]

Well, yes it is a generalisation. I had went out last year (March) with a fun loving Kiwi from okcupid. She was pretty fun, only saw her once though

*Contains generalisations and opinions*

Back on topic. I do know what you mean but don't expect too much. I know if your intelligent and show some interest in current affairs/culture. French women will be quite interested in you (another generalisation). This is coming from the French women I have been on dates with, and French people I have on Facebook. They will think a lot of you if you try to speak French to them, or learn the language it comes across as kinda cute! In general once they are interested in you though or become on so called friend terms with you they will stay in contact. Unfortunately, the opposite can be said for British women I've come across. Of course there are some bitchy Europeans around friend like anywhere else in the world!

Polish women, ah now I've come across many
I fancied one who worked in Starbucks connected to work, but she didn't fancy me back. We are friends. Most of the Polish women I've come across are very willing to chat and talk, another woman work works in Starbucks again so friendly we joke and stuff. Very friendly. There are many Poles across Europe, from London to Brussels (both places I am often) so if your in Europe your lucky

Lithuanian women again tend to be very friendly. Not as many came over to the UK as Polish. I've seen a small increase in Romanian women in London. Which is handy because most of them are gorgeous.

Come live in a London suburb for a bit.

You can go to the French quarter, meet as many beautiful women from all parts of Europe that you want.

The most difficult thing is breaking shyness (like I had) and being brave to go out with the many meet-up groups and the like. It's tough.

 

[ardour]

What do people think is so different about European women?

I realize how creepy it sounds to talk about 'foreign' women as if they were more available, but it’s true women from parts of Europe seem a lot friendlier.

Western/English speaking society being individualistic, a feature of that is more toxic relationships between the genders, one result being women acting aloof in accordance with gender roles. It’s refreshing to able to have a normal conversation with someone who isn't like that for a change, no wariness or agenda. And rare to meet women relaxed enough for that. At best it's usually a case of them immediately trying to make immediate snap judgements as to whether I'm worth any effort (where it almost invariably ends). I'm not talking about romantic interactions here.