MaratheGray
Active member
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2019
- Messages
- 32
- Reaction score
- 0
So to start with, full disclosure: I am not really a new member, but a returning member under a new name. I am not new with the social dysfunction, and I think that some users may remember me.
My entire life has been "colored" and framed by the fact that I was born into and most of my family is part of a very demanding religion. I have a lot of mental and emotional issues that stem from this, and another part that is becoming quite clear is an underlying anger at all of them and all of it and all that this religion is asking of me. Because I move a lot, it's hard to maintain friendships, since the religion demands a lot of attention to your immediate congregation (called a "ward") with their "calling" (i.e. job) and since I am unmarried at 32 I don't have the social connection of a husband and kids that they can relate with and it makes it hard to connect. For example, a common question to singles like me when I meet someone is: why aren't you married? I've tried different approaches with answering this question like making jokes or whatever but every answer seems to make them uncomfortable and lead to an awkward silence which makes me wonder what answer they are expecting (besides that I'm divorced - which I am not - so not sure that making up a history of divorce that doesn't exist would somehow make things better) and it leads to the overall feeling of anger and aggression that I'm feeling towards people in my church and their seemingly inability to communicate with people who are not exactly the same as them, right down to similar thought patterns. Since missionary work is a big deal in my church and pretty much everyone (used to be only guys, but now it's everyone) has served a year and a half to 2 year mission proselyting to nonmembers to "bring them into the fold" or whatever and in so many different parts of the world, you'd think that they'd be better at talking to people who are different than they are.
So obviously I have thought of disengaging myself from my religion due towards the differences of me not being able to fit into their mold, but I run into the fear that due to the mental problems that I have that I am afraid of it all coming apart financially (since I am currently in a place where they dominate the population) or them sucking me back into their "fold" again. I feel like I get isolated for my difference in belief until the point where someone feels sorry for me and then they contact me and try to quietly bring me back in again so I can be one of them once more. I once told one about a plan I had of going to school in the UK and he started telling me about church contacts there and contacting a bishop there, and since I know my church bought an office building in London I worry that I can never escape my religion and my faith but due to my inability to conform my thoughts to what my religion wants, I am doomed to remain forever alone.
See the thing is, people who leave are treated as pariahs and it's like they are marked for hell. But since so much of my family is in and it is the dominant social construct for me for almost my entire life that keeps sucking me in, I don't know how to separate myself and finally be "normal." I don't want to be the one who constantly references and quotes scripture back at people and constantly talk about "the Lord" as if we go to the same country club or whatever. I guess what I'm trying to explain is how difficult it is to learn how to socialize under this "umbrellla" and even now as I write this I worry about someone from my religion making an account on here and responding about how God and Jesus love me and want me back but that I need to have faith and understand that he make his rules because he loves us which is why he gave his son who gave his life for us and that we should be grateful and live and abide by the rules of his plan of happiness so that we can experience the true (and elusive) neverending happiness that comes from those who follow the Savior's plan so that we can return to him and I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THIS STUPID BS!
I think the worst and most bothersome thing that people from my church do is when the frame something as going on as happening to someone else (but they mean me and that they will try it with me later) or when they try and get me to answer my own questions so that I feel like I am actually having a conversation with myself. Here's an example: a girl in the women's leadership (called "relief society") coming up all smiley to me and asking how to best help a "struggling sister" who has questions about the gospel and then me shooting offhandedly "why don't you just randomly text her that Uchtdorf quote 'stop it' and then relate it to connecting with others and stopping bad habits?" I was being sarcastic by the way, and yet later I got a random goddamn group text at work including a bunch of unknown numbers literally saying "STOP IT" and that's when I started losing it because I am talking to people yet it feels like I am talking to myself, especially when I disagree on some doctrinal thing and then they do that stupid BS thing where they say "well how would you answer that using the frameworks of the gospel if someone asked you that" and then it's me literally answering my own question and talking to myself even though there's supposedly another human person talking to me that just seems only good for regurgitating the same goddamn answers over and over again.
So I guess to conclude this rant, I think that religion is fine, but when you use it to a point where people don't really have a choice to leave but when they're in can't think independently without getting into trouble with leadership, is a religion really trying to help others or is it just using emotional blackmail on its present members to keep them from running away from its madness? I don't really know. I know I've seen levels of cruelty in this religion that I don't consider normal for social settings outside of the faith, so you'd think they'd do something about it, but I guess since they're hoarding over $100B what do they care? They have Jesus's rainy day stash set aside for when he's back, so I guess not. Thank you for reading this insanity from inside my head.
My entire life has been "colored" and framed by the fact that I was born into and most of my family is part of a very demanding religion. I have a lot of mental and emotional issues that stem from this, and another part that is becoming quite clear is an underlying anger at all of them and all of it and all that this religion is asking of me. Because I move a lot, it's hard to maintain friendships, since the religion demands a lot of attention to your immediate congregation (called a "ward") with their "calling" (i.e. job) and since I am unmarried at 32 I don't have the social connection of a husband and kids that they can relate with and it makes it hard to connect. For example, a common question to singles like me when I meet someone is: why aren't you married? I've tried different approaches with answering this question like making jokes or whatever but every answer seems to make them uncomfortable and lead to an awkward silence which makes me wonder what answer they are expecting (besides that I'm divorced - which I am not - so not sure that making up a history of divorce that doesn't exist would somehow make things better) and it leads to the overall feeling of anger and aggression that I'm feeling towards people in my church and their seemingly inability to communicate with people who are not exactly the same as them, right down to similar thought patterns. Since missionary work is a big deal in my church and pretty much everyone (used to be only guys, but now it's everyone) has served a year and a half to 2 year mission proselyting to nonmembers to "bring them into the fold" or whatever and in so many different parts of the world, you'd think that they'd be better at talking to people who are different than they are.
So obviously I have thought of disengaging myself from my religion due towards the differences of me not being able to fit into their mold, but I run into the fear that due to the mental problems that I have that I am afraid of it all coming apart financially (since I am currently in a place where they dominate the population) or them sucking me back into their "fold" again. I feel like I get isolated for my difference in belief until the point where someone feels sorry for me and then they contact me and try to quietly bring me back in again so I can be one of them once more. I once told one about a plan I had of going to school in the UK and he started telling me about church contacts there and contacting a bishop there, and since I know my church bought an office building in London I worry that I can never escape my religion and my faith but due to my inability to conform my thoughts to what my religion wants, I am doomed to remain forever alone.
See the thing is, people who leave are treated as pariahs and it's like they are marked for hell. But since so much of my family is in and it is the dominant social construct for me for almost my entire life that keeps sucking me in, I don't know how to separate myself and finally be "normal." I don't want to be the one who constantly references and quotes scripture back at people and constantly talk about "the Lord" as if we go to the same country club or whatever. I guess what I'm trying to explain is how difficult it is to learn how to socialize under this "umbrellla" and even now as I write this I worry about someone from my religion making an account on here and responding about how God and Jesus love me and want me back but that I need to have faith and understand that he make his rules because he loves us which is why he gave his son who gave his life for us and that we should be grateful and live and abide by the rules of his plan of happiness so that we can experience the true (and elusive) neverending happiness that comes from those who follow the Savior's plan so that we can return to him and I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THIS STUPID BS!
I think the worst and most bothersome thing that people from my church do is when the frame something as going on as happening to someone else (but they mean me and that they will try it with me later) or when they try and get me to answer my own questions so that I feel like I am actually having a conversation with myself. Here's an example: a girl in the women's leadership (called "relief society") coming up all smiley to me and asking how to best help a "struggling sister" who has questions about the gospel and then me shooting offhandedly "why don't you just randomly text her that Uchtdorf quote 'stop it' and then relate it to connecting with others and stopping bad habits?" I was being sarcastic by the way, and yet later I got a random goddamn group text at work including a bunch of unknown numbers literally saying "STOP IT" and that's when I started losing it because I am talking to people yet it feels like I am talking to myself, especially when I disagree on some doctrinal thing and then they do that stupid BS thing where they say "well how would you answer that using the frameworks of the gospel if someone asked you that" and then it's me literally answering my own question and talking to myself even though there's supposedly another human person talking to me that just seems only good for regurgitating the same goddamn answers over and over again.
So I guess to conclude this rant, I think that religion is fine, but when you use it to a point where people don't really have a choice to leave but when they're in can't think independently without getting into trouble with leadership, is a religion really trying to help others or is it just using emotional blackmail on its present members to keep them from running away from its madness? I don't really know. I know I've seen levels of cruelty in this religion that I don't consider normal for social settings outside of the faith, so you'd think they'd do something about it, but I guess since they're hoarding over $100B what do they care? They have Jesus's rainy day stash set aside for when he's back, so I guess not. Thank you for reading this insanity from inside my head.
