Overthinking due to low self-esteem

[mustachioed_badass_42]

Yo guys, ever had this feeling?

Me: *decides to text a random person*
My brain: What if he/she dislikes you? What if you come off as annoying? What if your text ruins their day because you suck? What if they get irritated on receiving your text? What if the person's friends/family keep advising them to stay away from you?
Me: Okay fine, I'll not text them.

I have low self-esteem, and this is one of the many aspects of it that come into play in daily life. I want to know if anyone resonates with this behaviour.

 

[okidoke]

There comes a time when you stop giving a fukc about what other people may or may not think. You do what you feel like you want to do (excluding illegal or offensive or immoral behaviour) and to Hell with what others think. You will know if they don’t want you to repeat your action.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think we've all felt that way at some point in our lives. I refuse to text anyone (aside from a few people) before 8am and after 9pm simply because I feel it would be rude. That said, I don't care when other people text me.

Now, here's my take on your questions......

What if he/she dislikes you?

But what if they do like you? If you've been talking to them and they didn't say anything, that's on them, not you.

What if you come off as annoying?

You will, at some point. EVERYONE is annoying at some point. Who cares?

What if your text ruins their day because you suck?

What if it brightens their day and gives them a reason to go on because they know someone cares?

hat if they get irritated on receiving your text?

Much like what I said about being annoying, this will happen too. You don't know their mood or what they are doing at that particular second, so yeah, it could happen. But again, who cares? It could also do the opposite.

What if the person's friends/family keep advising them to stay away from you?

Well then, I'd say you don't want them in your life anyway if they can't think for themselves and let other people decide things like that.

 

[mustachioed_badass_42]

@TheRealCallie Many times, when I speak with people, I may ask them questions, but they would just respond with a 'yes' or a 'no'. Sometimes, you get exhausted with carrying a conversation, and both parties need to actively engage in a conversation to keep it active. This often makes me feel that they are not really liking me or what I am saying, and are responding just to be nice.

A confusing thing for me is that people often tell me I speak too little. But I feel like I speak quite a bit and it is the others who are not interested in it. People would either say rude things to me, or not say anything at all. At times, I really think I give off uncanny vibes to others. I have been more of an outcast all my life, since my earliest childhood. I don't think I behave any differently or do anything to hurt anyone, but still they seem to feel either contempt or uncomfortable when speaking to me.

 

[okidoke]

You have to learn to ask open questions, those that require answers that elaborate rather than a yes/no response. Use “what, where, how” questions instead of “did, would, can” etc

 

[okidoke]

And there’s heaps of videos to improve your skills. Here’s just one that I found in 10 seconds

 

[mustachioed_badass_42]

@okidoke You are right that asking open-ended questions will lead to more elaborate answers, but then they would just answer the question and that's it. I would expect the other person to contribute to the conversation too, which if they don't, I feel they just aren't interested in speaking to me. Is this a right thing to assume?

 

[Unsigned]

I always assume the other person wants nothing to do with me.
Especially females.
And then if someone does show any type of interest (business wise or whatever else), I assume it is to use/take advantage of me and I react accordingly. It's just how I roll...

 

[okidoke]

@okidoke You are right that asking open-ended questions will lead to more elaborate answers, but then they would just answer the question and that's it. I would expect the other person to contribute to the conversation too, which if they don't, I feel they just aren't interested in speaking to me. Is this a right thing to assume?

We should get out of the habit of assuming, but sometimes we're right about our assumptions. I was a police negotiator, and there was a real art to talking to people, which the police force (well here anyway, at least back when the force was still a decent organistation) used to teach well. I could talk with the most unwilling people, with techniques that eventually became natural, BUT, there are still occasions when trying to get someone to talk is a real chore. It all depends on the situation of course. If the other party is with you voluntarily, and they're not contributing much, it could be just that they feel shy and that they haven't got much to say, and that's where continuing to ask open questions is important. They WANT to be able to talk, they just don't know what to say. So when you ask as question, grab onto something that they mention and delve deeper, explore it further, see how it might relate to you and you will learn whether the person really is of interest to you or not. Some people are pushing their comfort zone to be with you and could be fighting all sorts of anxieties and phobias, so you have to tread gently and give them time. Be encouraging without being pushy. If they feel they've made a mistake being with you at that time, well, you give them a gracious out and let them go. Often is the case that people actually do like talking about themselves and their lives, so you get that going, but occasionally some people are quite aloof and you're probably wasting your time with them in the end. Just keep on trying it because eventually you'll come across those who enjoy the conversation, and the right person will be asking you open questions as well, and you'll be hitting it off with them. Try to use tact, be empathetic, be genuinely interested. Don't be pushy, don't be creepy or crass, and most importantly, learn to recognise when it's time to end the conversation and move on.

 

[okidoke]

Any update @mustachioed_badass_42 ?

 

[kaetic]

@okidoke You are right that asking open-ended questions will lead to more elaborate answers, but then they would just answer the question and that's it. I would expect the other person to contribute to the conversation too, which if they don't, I feel they just aren't interested in speaking to me. Is this a right thing to assume?

Maybe, or maybe they're just as nervous as you are about talking to people?
I feel you, in that I overthink EVERYTHING. It's fluffing debilitating.
You don't know until you try, and not everyone is going to react in a negative way.

Some of the best advice I've ever gotten, is that you aren't going to like everyone and not everyone will like you. But that's okay. It doesn't mean you aren't worth liking.

I always assume the other person wants nothing to do with me.
Especially females.
And then if someone does show any type of interest (business wise or whatever else), I assume it is to use/take advantage of me and I react accordingly. It's just how I roll...

Yeah, it's hard not to think that way after you've been burned before. If you figure out how to get past it... Let me know how, will you?

 

[mustachioed_badass_42]

Any update @mustachioed_badass_42 ?

Haha, I am kind of delighted that you responded to this post again after such a long time. So, when I made this post, I was talking about my crush. She was the one I was thinking of texting. I did text her a few times, she would always reply after a very long time, and often with just one or two words. However, then there came a time she would not reply at all, she just saw the text, but did not reply. I took this as a sign that she was not interested in me as a person, so I wept internally for a few days, and then moved on. I don't really have anyone to text right now?

However, about the overthinking thing, I find a massive improvement. When just two months ago, I would overthink about the most minor of mess-ups I made, nowadays, I find myself overthinking rarely, if not never. I think this can be owed to my inclination towards philosophies such as Stoicism and Nietzsche. Philosophy has really been therapeutic for me. I have become more confident in myself with greater knowledge. I still have low self-esteem, but it has certainly reduced by a great extent.

I am back on the forums after a long time, so how are you, wonderful people? How has life been treating y'all lately?

P. S. I am, by no means, a master of those philosophies, and only have surface-level knowledge of them. But I guess everyone starts somewhere.

 

[okidoke]

Philosophising and overthinking go hand in hand in my opinion. Too often people do too much thinking and not enough doing.

 

[user 191088]

Philosophising and overthinking go hand in hand in my opinion. Too often people do too much thinking and not enough doing.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to avoid doing certain things. I find that philosophy is often more helpful in preventing one from doing bad things than in compelling one to do good things, though both can result from philosophizing. Socrates' daemon, which in today's terminology we could call a guardian angel, acted exclusively to prevent him from doing things. In any case, with or without philosophy, when your situation is difficult it takes a great deal of mental discipline to resist the temptation of falling to vice, immoralities of so many sorts, being a slave to women and their pleasures and the like. All philosophy does is to give this discipline a logical rigor of the most complete kind, but in the ethical sense, all that matters is the discipline itself, the ethos itself. Logic only comes to solidify it and make it more convincing to skeptics, including the practitioner of a moral doctrine who is prone to bouts of disbelief.

 

[okidoke]

Sometimes the best thing to do is to avoid doing certain things.

If philosophising gets you motivated to do positive things, then that's good, but if all it does is keep you isolated and postulating over things that will never get you anywhere, then it's time to put your feet to the pavement.

 

[user 191088]

Haha, I am kind of delighted that you responded to this post again after such a long time. So, when I made this post, I was talking about my crush. She was the one I was thinking of texting. I did text her a few times, she would always reply after a very long time, and often with just one or two words. However, then there came a time she would not reply at all, she just saw the text, but did not reply. I took this as a sign that she was not interested in me as a person, so I wept internally for a few days, and then moved on. I don't really have anyone to text right now?

However, about the overthinking thing, I find a massive improvement. When just two months ago, I would overthink about the most minor of mess-ups I made, nowadays, I find myself overthinking rarely, if not never. I think this can be owed to my inclination towards philosophies such as Stoicism and Nietzsche. Philosophy has really been therapeutic for me. I have become more confident in myself with greater knowledge. I still have low self-esteem, but it has certainly reduced by a great extent.

I am back on the forums after a long time, so how are you, wonderful people? How has life been treating y'all lately?

P. S. I am, by no means, a master of those philosophies, and only have surface-level knowledge of them. But I guess everyone starts somewhere.

My friend, I believe you are set to follow a bright path, a very bright path indeed, and since you're aware of Stoicism, allow me to recommend you become familiar with the doctrines of Epicurus and his followers. Hellenistic philosophy, in general, fits our troubled world and worrysome times very much like the proverbial glove. There's much to be learned from such ancient masters.

 

[mustachioed_badass_42]

@okidoke The problem is not with thinking itself, but the content of what one thinks. Thinking is a noble pursuit, this post is not about restraining all sorts of thinking, but only a certain form of thinking (i.e. thinking about irrelevant things). It is futile to avoid philosophising, because you're gonna do it anyways. You say "people do too much thinking and not enough doing", but how would you realise what you should be doing? You need to think for that too. Thinking is majorly what differentiates human beings from stones. The important thing is to channelise one's thoughts into matters that are useful.

 

[okidoke]

Not sure why my point is so hard to grasp. Maybe you’re overthinking it I meant that too often people are sitting around pondering so much minutiae of their perceived problems instead of just getting out and living some life; exercising, pushing their comfort zone, facing their fears, taking some risks, just doing something different with their lives.

 

[user 191088]

@okidoke The problem is not with thinking itself, but the content of what one thinks. Thinking is a noble pursuit, this post is not about restraining all sorts of thinking, but only a certain form of thinking (i.e. thinking about irrelevant things). It is futile to avoid philosophising, because you're gonna do it anyways. You say "people do too much thinking and not enough doing", but how would you realise what you should be doing? You need to think for that too. Thinking is majorly what differentiates human beings from stones. The important thing is to channelise one's thoughts into matters that are useful.

This. You see, one overthinks precisely because one doesn't know what to do, how to proceed etc., but in order to know what to do and how to proceed, one must think, because the answer to this doesn't come without thinking. This shows that thinking in itself is not the problem, it's thinking the wrong way that is. This might seem trivial (it is to me, at least), but apparently not everybody has an instantaneous comprehension of this truth as you'd expect.

 

[Unsigned]

If you figure out how to get past it... Let me know how, will you?

Will do.
But at my age, it's etched into my neurons.