Questions for the Men

[kamya]

I'd say it's a form of flattery, everyone would like to receive lots of messages wouldn't they?  if the guy says that then they are probably hoping it makes you feel good, that you must be popular, then you may be more likely to respond as they have boosted your ego, made you feel better about yourself?

I disagree. I think it's just the person in question not being confident. "I'm just one among thousands, don't mind me please."

I agree. I wouldn't take this approach. It's just advertising low self-esteem right from the get-go.

 

[user 130057]

I'd say it's a form of flattery, everyone would like to receive lots of messages wouldn't they?  if the guy says that then they are probably hoping it makes you feel good, that you must be popular, then you may be more likely to respond as they have boosted your ego, made you feel better about yourself?

I disagree. I think it's just the person in question not being confident. "I'm just one among thousands, don't mind me please."

I agree. I wouldn't take this approach. It's just advertising low self-esteem right from the get-go.

I disagree. If I were interested in dating sites, I'd probably say something like that... and trust me, it isn't a lack of self-esteem, because I'm awesome.

Seriously, I'd probably say it for the reasons Ed W said - it's a small compliment to boost their ego. I think that between us all we've proven that it depends entirely upon the individual.

(I quote Kamya, who quoted Volt, who quoted Ed W. I feel all warm inside... it's like 2013 all over again.)

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd say it's a form of flattery, everyone would like to receive lots of messages wouldn't they?  if the guy says that then they are probably hoping it makes you feel good, that you must be popular, then you may be more likely to respond as they have boosted your ego, made you feel better about yourself?

Flattery to assume that we're just up to our necks in messages? I'm glad Tealeaf asked this, because I've kind of wondered it myself when I get comments like, "Lots of guys must want to talk to you." No. No, they don't. I've never participated in a dating site/app, but for someone to just assume our inboxes or messages are just filled to the brim... It's not flattery really. I personally find it irksome.

 

[DarkSelene]

It could also be people who just want to make you comfortable about not replying immediately and trying not to sound demanding. Maybe it's not good for their image seeing as everyone perceives a lack of confidence by it, but even if some might find it irksome I wouldn't think it's ever ill-intentioned.

 

[Volt]

I disagree. If I were interested in dating sites, I'd probably say something like that... and trust me, it isn't a lack of self-esteem, because I'm awesome.

Seriously, I'd probably say it for the reasons Ed W said - it's a small compliment to boost their ego. I think that between us all we've proven that it depends entirely upon the individual.

(I quote Kamya, who quoted Volt, who quoted Ed W. I feel all warm inside... it's like 2013 all over again.)

Better days are coming back!

 

[MisterLonely]

I have always wondered this.

Why do guys on dating sites comment on messages? Specifically, how many messages they think the woman is getting.

* I'm sure you've been flooded by messages by now...

* Thanks for responding, I'm sure your inbox is flooded...

* I doubt you'll see this as your inbox must be flooded...

* Sorry to add to your inbox flooding...

What kind of response are they seeking?

Allot of different answers have already been given, I'd say it is a form off flattery and/or stems from the common conception that all women on dating sites get millions off messages a day.

It could also be that these men think women get allot off messages because they themselves send a lot off messages to women, and in that case it might be the simple fact of standardisation, if i needed or wanted to message 100+ people I'd think of a standard myself and just copy paste, or even a partial standardisation of just the start or end.

If it's an attempt at flattery then it's certainly a lot better than starting with "**** gurl, you is HOT...", well assuming the law off averages applies

 

[Tealeaf]

A lot of these explanations make sense. Personally, it's something that makes me uncomfortable and the guys who comment on it tend to do so in multiple messages.

I try not to respond to that part and just talk about something else, but sometimes it feels like they're fixated on it or seeking some kind of reaction.

I feel like "Hope this makes your day, you must not be receiving many responses so I'm sure you'll love it!" would be a weird thing to say from a woman's end.

Who someone is talking to, how many, etc, is private business to me and not a great thing to comment on, especially if it's an assumption.

 

[Volt]

I try not to respond to that part and just talk about something else, but sometimes it feels like they're fixated on it or seeking some kind of reaction.

Yeah, i think they're looking for validation. Just something to imply that you find them worthy to talk to.

 

[Tealeaf]

I try not to respond to that part and just talk about something else, but sometimes it feels like they're fixated on it or seeking some kind of reaction.

Yeah, i think they're looking for validation. Just something to imply that you find them worthy to talk to.

Doesn't responding to them make it clear, though? I wouldn't talk to them, comment on their interests, etc, if I thought it wasn't worth my time to have a conversation at the very least.

I'm cautious of openly validating a stranger in this type of situation. I feel like the expectations for how two people interact are set pretty early on, and being too eager to offer validation to a new person is a neon sign to users who just want to feed off sympathy and attention that I'm open for business.

That was a problem when I was younger. Even if a total stranger came to me with their feelings and frustrations, I would listen to them and wound up just being a sponge.

 

[Volt]

Doesn't responding to them make it clear, though? I wouldn't talk to them, comment on their interests, etc, if I thought it wasn't worth my time to have a conversation at the very least.

I'm cautious of openly validating a stranger in this type of situation. I feel like the expectations for how two people interact are set pretty early on, and being too eager to offer validation to a new person is a neon sign to users who just want to feed off sympathy and attention that I'm open for business.

That was a problem when I was younger. Even if a total stranger came to me with their feelings and frustrations, I would listen to them and wound up just being a sponge.

Going off my own experiences, sometimes people look for a specific message. Just you talking to them, while i definitely agree it should make it clear, isn't enough for them. I've been like that. 

I understand you'd be cautious about that. I would be too.

 

[MisterLonely]

I try not to respond to that part and just talk about something else, but sometimes it feels like they're fixated on it or seeking some kind of reaction.

Yeah, i think they're looking for validation. Just something to imply that you find them worthy to talk to.

Doesn't responding to them make it clear, though? I wouldn't talk to them, comment on their interests, etc, if I thought it wasn't worth my time to have a conversation at the very least.

I'm cautious of openly validating a stranger in this type of situation. I feel like the expectations for how two people interact are set pretty early on, and being too eager to offer validation to a new person is a neon sign to users who just want to feed off sympathy and attention that I'm open for business.

That was a problem when I was younger. Even if a total stranger came to me with their feelings and frustrations, I would listen to them and wound up just being a sponge.

I've never thought of it that way, but it does make sense and I can recall one case where I fell for that very same pitfall myself and as a result ended up with a "friend" that resulted to emotional blackmail, playing guilt trips and threatening suicide even, I had to be the bad guy and just cut all ties at that time and realize that whatever he did wasn't on me.

Thanks for this comment, I think i learned something from it...

 

[Volt]

I've never thought of it that way, but it does make sense and I can recall one case where I fell for that very same pitfall myself and as a result ended up with a "friend" that resulted to emotional blackmail, playing guilt trips and threatening suicide even, I had to be the bad guy and just cut all ties at that time and realize that whatever he did wasn't on me.

Thanks for this comment, I think i learned something from it...

Those situations really suck. I also had a similar one. Good that you got out of it.

 

[ardour]

I try not to respond to that part and just talk about something else, but sometimes it feels like they're fixated on it or seeking some kind of reaction.

Yeah, i think they're looking for validation. Just something to imply that you find them worthy to talk to.

Doesn't responding to them make it clear, though? I wouldn't talk to them, comment on their interests, etc, if I thought it wasn't worth my time to have a conversation at the very least.

They might feel that while you're responding now, you'll abruptly narrow down the options and cut them loose at some point, hence the insecurity.

It's common knowledge now that the majority of women get far more messages than men on dating sites, so I don't think it's a bad thing to just assume that, but to comment over and over about it does come across as somewhat passive aggressive, particularly since this is just a fact of reality and no-one's at fault.

 

[ardour]

I'd say it's a form of flattery, everyone would like to receive lots of messages wouldn't they?  if the guy says that then they are probably hoping it makes you feel good, that you must be popular, then you may be more likely to respond as they have boosted your ego, made you feel better about yourself?

Flattery to assume that we're just up to our necks in messages? I'm glad Tealeaf asked this, because I've kind of wondered it myself when I get comments like, "Lots of guys must want to talk to you." No. No, they don't. I've never participated in a dating site/app, but for someone to just assume our inboxes or messages are just filled to the brim... It's not flattery really. I personally find it irksome.

It might be obnoxious to come out and say that to someone, but it's true enough as far as dating sites go > Cupid on trial. The average looking women fake profiles received more messages than the profile with the guy who looked like Eric Bana. Although to be fair 83% of all messages went to the two most attractive women.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

It's because dating websites are mostly populated by desperate, lonely males and disinterested, attention-seeking women. It creates a huge imbalance that is anything but indicative of real-world interaction. Yes, this is a generalization and I accept that there are outliers.

 

[Serenia]

Guys if you saw a woman aquiantance you knew through your other half, and at 5'4" she was ovviously struggling with a large piece of wood of 6'long and possibly 3' wide. Trying to get it to her car. Would you stop and ask if she needed help or just say Hello and keep walking past?

 

[Edward W]

If I saw anyone I knew struggling I'd offer a hand

 

[Volt]

That depends entirely on my mood, and also my opinion of the other person.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Not a man, but I would help you.

 

[Serenia]

That depends entirely on my mood, and also my opinion of the other person.

So it is possible he has a low opinion of me.