Questions for the Men

[DarkSelene]

To be fair, unless you explain that to them...they wouldn't know. Sometimes it's a matter of just being polite, so that person doesn't roam around wondering where they went wrong.
If it's just some random person who saw you or something and asked you out immediately, I agree with just the "no". But, if it's someone that knows you a bit better than that, someone you might have been around for a little while, I don't see why it's so horrible to give them an explanation.
Also, to go from "no" to "no, I don't date anyone" you're only saving like a literal second...so it's really not just that you're wasting time, but some different type of personal principle of not telling anyone anything because you don't have to.

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Maybe not enough people here have been in happy long lasting relationships to reply to my question? I really would like to see a discussion of it.

 

[user 139760]

How do you guys perceive other women when you're in a happy long lasting relationship?

That'd be interesting to know.

Speaking for myself...I DON'T perceive other women.

When I start to, that's when I know the relationship's in trouble.
But in a real long lasting happy relationship, I perceive them the same as any other person, either a co-worker, a friend or some such. Even if I get hit on and even if said girl is going like "your girlfriend is a lot uglier than you" which I've heard. I tend to stay away from those, too.


"we can't just sit back and wait until the right person comes along."
Honestly Callie...it works for me. Though I'd hardly call myself an example to other men.

 

[DarkSelene]

You still know that person is female, that they're attractive or not, even if there's no interest, right?! Do you guys usually hang around people you'd be normally attracted to if single more than other people? Because with a friend there's always a kind of deeper connection, the kind that if you're single you might want to try something out... right?! But then you're in a relationship so that's shut off but still exists? I don't mean like saving anyone for the future, just change in scenarios or something... 

OK, idk what I'm asking anymore.

 

[user 139760]

You still know that person is female, that they're attractive or not, even if there's no interest, right?! Do you guys usually hang around people you'd be normally attracted to if single more than other people? Because with a friend there's always a kind of deeper connection, the kind that if you're single you might want to try something out... right?! But then you're in a relationship so that's shut off but still exists? I don't mean like saving anyone for the future, just change in scenarios or something... 

OK, idk what I'm asking anymore.

LOL You mean are you still conscious of someone else than your current girlfriend being attractive, or a potential partner when you're with someone, or is it so much a disconnect that you don't see anything, is what I understand?

I can only speak for myself, as it varies wildly. In my case, NO. I don't perceive a woman, say a female co-worker, in that way, because that's not what I'm looking for. If I start to perceive her in that way, like "Oh...that'd be fun" that's when I know my current relationship is on muddy waters.
Then again, some men are entirely different. They can date someone and hit on everything that walks (including puppies) without having a problem with that. Others can easily juggle 3-4 girls at the same time at any given time and tell each they love them, while hitting on a fifth and saying they are single...

Generally, though, as I understand it, yes, we still see that. It's just not something we're interested in exploring.
As for hanging around, I tend to hang around with the misfits. That's be people who stand out for some reason. But I don't hang around those because I think they're attractive, or not, but because they are interesting. But I'm sure some guys only hang out with girls if they think they're attractive and/or are secretely in love with them.

Then again...I'm kind of a blind idiot lol. For all I know you could be hitting on me right now and I wouldn't notice it. Kind of a character flaw.

 

[DarkSelene]

I think I meant on a more subconscious level, but how would you know that if you're only aware of it subconsciously? Hehe
I hope more dudes answer to these. 

Just so you know for sure, I'm not hitting on you.

 

[MisterLonely]

How do you guys perceive other women when you're in a happy long lasting relationship?

That'd be interesting to know.

I can't really say this because I've never had the before mentioned, but I did a short one I enjoyed very much, and only after that ended did I notice others, not just women but also men, for me it was like I was walking the earth with blinders on, nothing really got through, not to say I didn't see women, not to say I didn't notice they were pretty, they just didn't have any kind off effect at that time.

Maybe that was because of it all being so fresh and new, maybe if it lasted longer I would have started noticing more around me, and looking more, maybe subconsciously I even did, it never got through to me though.

You still know that person is female, that they're attractive or not, even if there's no interest, right?! Do you guys usually hang around people you'd be normally attracted to if single more than other people? Because with a friend there's always a kind of deeper connection, the kind that if you're single you might want to try something out... right?! But then you're in a relationship so that's shut off but still exists? I don't mean like saving anyone for the future, just change in scenarios or something... 

OK, idk what I'm asking anymore.

I'd like to hang around with friends, and I think there can definitely be a tension even between "just friends" that could grow, or could result in a one off, or even fwb, but both will need to be single and on par with whatever turn their relationship takes, if one wants a serious commitment and the other wants a fun night just to not be lonely and have someone to love and lust for that night, it's not going to end well, and I'drathe keep the friendship in that case.

I think I meant on a more subconscious level, but how would you know that if you're only aware of it subconsciously? Hehe
I hope more dudes answer to these. 

Just so you know for sure, I'm not hitting on you.

I tried my best to answer, as a short recap I'd say, I see but I don't perceive them as part of my scope of influence, I interact normally, maybe even les anxious as I did before, knowing I had no need to be anything to them, as even if they liked me, I wasn't available.

Now If someone gets naked in front off me it will probably be a different story, I'd think I'd see and perceive that just fine, and would think it either a pretty awesome day or a disturbing one, depending on who it was that bared all

 

[DarkSelene]

Now If someone gets naked in front off me it will probably be a different story, I'd think I'd see and perceive that just fine, and would think it either a pretty awesome day or a disturbing one, depending on who it was that bared all

See, if you were my guy I'd flip out right now!

 

[user 139760]

Just so you know for sure, I'm not hitting on you.

LOL Thank God, I hate to be a let down by saying "I just don't think the distance thing is going to help us out" lol.

I tried my best to answer, as a short recap I'd say, I see but I don't perceive them as part of my scope of influence, I interact normally, maybe even les anxious as I did before, knowing I had no need to be anything to them, as even if they liked me, I wasn't available.

Now If someone gets naked in front off me it will probably be a different story, I'd think I'd see and perceive that just fine, and would think it either a pretty awesome day or a disturbing one, depending on who it was that bared all

Well see, if someone got naked in front of me, I'd probably wonder if there aren't any, you know...problems with her to begin with lol.
Probably a lot of guys have a same type of reaction, I like a lot your example of having blinders on, because I think it's similar to many. When the blinders come off it's usually because things in the relationship aren't going so well. I also think, as Selene was saying, it's somewhat unconscious. I guess some moments would bring it more to a conscious level, but mostly you're not viewing reality objectively, because you're not objective to begin with.

 

[user 115627]

How do you guys perceive other women when you're in a happy long lasting relationship?

Not. But I do not really perceive most people as anything but fleeting encounters even when I'm single, including women (due to my heterosexuality). I don't know most people, so they do not look like potential mates to me. And I do not meet a great number of people in the first place, because I do not want to. Maybe it's also "unhealthy" to not take the blinkers off while you are in a relationship that turns toxic and you cannot see an alternate reality with another person (even a friend) that could be better.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

You still know that person is female, that they're attractive or not, even if there's no interest, right?! Do you guys usually hang around people you'd be normally attracted to if single more than other people? Because with a friend there's always a kind of deeper connection, the kind that if you're single you might want to try something out... right?! But then you're in a relationship so that's shut off but still exists? I don't mean like saving anyone for the future, just change in scenarios or something... 

OK, idk what I'm asking anymore.

I want to answer a part of this.

You can be almost 100% certain that if a guy you've never known before, or have just recently met, wants to get closer to you as a woman, that he's interested in you to some extent.

Some guys only see women as sexual conquests, others want relationships, but it's all the same initial attraction.

You can say that literally men don't do actions without some sort of purpose behind them. If he's putting for that kind of effort to stay in contact with you when he really does't have to, he has some level of attachment to you and wants more. Rest assured of that.

 

[DarkSelene]

Maybe it's also "unhealthy" to not take the blinkers off while you are in a relationship that turns toxic and you cannot see an alternate reality with another person (even a friend) that could be better.

I understand this, but at the same time it makes me wonder if one's only able to get out of a toxic relationship by getting the prospect of a new one... That doesn't sound healthy either, maybe even as toxic. Because even with blinders to what else is out there, you should still be able to know what you can and want to endure, and what you think is too much to accept.

---

You still know that person is female, that they're attractive or not, even if there's no interest, right?! Do you guys usually hang around people you'd be normally attracted to if single more than other people? Because with a friend there's always a kind of deeper connection, the kind that if you're single you might want to try something out... right?! But then you're in a relationship so that's shut off but still exists? I don't mean like saving anyone for the future, just change in scenarios or something... 

OK, idk what I'm asking anymore.

I want to answer a part of this.

You can be almost 100% certain that if a guy you've never known before, or have just recently met, wants to get closer to you as a woman, that he's interested in you to some extent.

Some guys only see women as sexual conquests, others want relationships, but it's all the same initial attraction.

You can say that literally men don't do actions without some sort of purpose behind them. If he's putting for that kind of effort to stay in contact with you when he really does't have to, he has some level of attachment to you and wants more. Rest assured of that.

Sure, but when that guy is in a serious monogamous relationship, shouldn't it be a different type of interest than sexual/romantic?!

 

[user 115627]

Maybe it's also "unhealthy" to not take the blinkers off while you are in a relationship that turns toxic and you cannot see an alternate reality with another person (even a friend) that could be better.

I understand this, but at the same time it makes me wonder if one's only able to get out of a toxic relationship by getting the prospect of a new one... That doesn't sound healthy either, maybe even as toxic. Because even with blinders to what else is out there, you should still be able to know what you can and want to endure, and what you think is too much to accept.

What should be vs. what is.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Maybe it's also "unhealthy" to not take the blinkers off while you are in a relationship that turns toxic and you cannot see an alternate reality with another person (even a friend) that could be better.

I understand this, but at the same time it makes me wonder if one's only able to get out of a toxic relationship by getting the prospect of a new one... That doesn't sound healthy either, maybe even as toxic. Because even with blinders to what else is out there, you should still be able to know what you can and want to endure, and what you think is too much to accept.

---

You still know that person is female, that they're attractive or not, even if there's no interest, right?! Do you guys usually hang around people you'd be normally attracted to if single more than other people? Because with a friend there's always a kind of deeper connection, the kind that if you're single you might want to try something out... right?! But then you're in a relationship so that's shut off but still exists? I don't mean like saving anyone for the future, just change in scenarios or something... 

OK, idk what I'm asking anymore.

I want to answer a part of this.

You can be almost 100% certain that if a guy you've never known before, or have just recently met, wants to get closer to you as a woman, that he's interested in you to some extent.

Some guys only see women as sexual conquests, others want relationships, but it's all the same initial attraction.

You can say that literally men don't do actions without some sort of purpose behind them. If he's putting for that kind of effort to stay in contact with you when he really does't have to, he has some level of attachment to you and wants more. Rest assured of that.

Sure, but when that guy is in a serious monogamous relationship, shouldn't it be a different type of interest than sexual/romantic?!

---

That depends on the guy.

I know one guy who despite being in a 'relationship' still actively looks and finds others and forms new relationships at the same time. Nor does he tell them about it.

But for someone like me, if I was in a relationship, I'd know I had very strong and genuine feelings for the girl. I don't jump into that lightly. Thus if a girl I would normally be interested in happened post-that, I'd still talk to her and want to be her friend if she really caught my attention, but the attraction wouldn't be there for me. I'm a "I want to be friends before a relationship" kind of guy, and if I couldn't even have friendship with her, then there would be no relationship. It'd just be a physically attractive girl that is that and nothing more. Eye candy, really.
I could think "If I was single, she would catch my eye" but I already have that, so it wouldn't come to me past "Wow, she's a cool friend."


Only IF I had thought it wasn't working out, or I was wrong about the relationship, would I see her as both fascinating and attractive. But I'd still end the relationship first before pursuing her.

 

[MisterLonely]

Now If someone gets naked in front off me it will probably be a different story, I'd think I'd see and perceive that just fine, and would think it either a pretty awesome day or a disturbing one, depending on who it was that bared all

See, if you were my guy I'd flip out right now!

Well if you were my girl, I'd be outraged at that skank getting naked right there for all to see!   

Seriously though, like you said yourself, you can still see someone is attractive, but in a relationship that is good you do not want to act on that, the thought does not even occur!

 

[DarkSelene]

Thus if a girl I would normally be interested in happened post-that, I'd still talk to her and want to be her friend if she really caught my attention, but the attraction wouldn't be there for me.

This is what concerns me.

---

This whole topic really shows how insecure I really am, hehe.

 

[user 139760]

Thus if a girl I would normally be interested in happened post-that, I'd still talk to her and want to be her friend if she really caught my attention, but the attraction wouldn't be there for me.

This is what concerns me.

---

This whole topic really shows how insecure I really am, hehe.

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Wait, just so I understand this right, when you said if he was "your guy", you'd flip out...do you mean at him or at said naked girl?
Because he doesn't have much control over it, I wouldn't see the point much in flipping out on him. On her, go for it, she apparently doesn't give two shites lol.
Insecure? I think if you have a naked girl in front of your guy, you have valid reasons to feel insecure lol.

 

[MisterLonely]

Are you saying I "rack a disciprine" Richard :|

 

[DarkSelene]

I'm very insecure but not unreasonable, I wouldn't go crazy on anyone, just flip out by myself. The woman doesn't owe me any respect or consideration and if the male doesn't behave badly there's not much I can be pissed about except how he let himself get into that situation... Certainly they were in a private place and she thought somehow he'd appreciate that, so he did something I don't agree with. Still, I flip out by myself because of very unreasonable things that I'm fully aware are unreasonable but I can't control how I feel about it.

 

[ardour]

No other women would not become sexually invisible, if that's what you're asking.... less visible maybe. Female friends would remain friends, no change there.

I can't really understand the obsessive attitude some women seem to have with their boyfriends (usually high status/dominant guys, being honest, because that's my impression about it). I mean if that's how you are in a relationsip, fine, but I wouldn't consider some latent attraction to other women/men cheating unless it's acted upon.

 

[Xpendable]

All these beautiful people are lonely. I see. I think we all have been told a different story.