Hi, I'm going to be having a long rant. Just a heads up. And it's going to be really petty. *sigh*
So, I've had low self esteem for my whole life. I'm female and I'm just a bit under 21. Whole life, no doubt. I have been diagnosed for three disorders, depression and anxiety related. As well as schizotypal. I have a large amount of complicated strong delusions. Like I trust my outrageous stupid thoughts more than my partner. As you might already guessed, I don't trust easily. I've never trusted my own family to begin with, yup starting point. I just love having grown up so damn worthless and one sided. I still can't get over that stuff. I'm like frustrated as to why should I have grown up so messed out?! My siblings didn't turn out bad! Why ******* me?! I lived away from my hometown and I got reminded days ago as to why it's best not to visit. My family doesn't care about what I say nor do they ever side with me. Even if I'm making sense aside from my stupidity.
Life I think would be easier without these illnesses. Maybe as time goes on living away, I'll be able to control my head...Ha, I wish. I've been living away for nearly a year and I plan to live in this country permanently. I also live with my partner. We've been living together for nearly a year and known each other for nearly 2 years. We are pretty much straight-forward, we are not like the respectful loving kind of couple. I guess you can say tough love. We do make love and appreciate each other, tell it to each other. Blah blah.
But my self esteem has gotten lower involving an incident, I personally think it's affecting me more than him. I have never seen him watching **** in our entire physical relationship. He's pretty much out of the house most of the time cause of work. While he's here, he's in public view. Big window near computer desk in the lounge. I lounge there as well because the others rooms are cold and I want his company. He does browse selected boards on 4chan, 8chan that feature pretty looking girls from time to time. But he doesn't pay mind to them because his intentions on browsing were not for that. It'd surprise me if I ever see him watching **** for pleasure.
So what started my really low esteem as of now is just petty I guess. I feel as if I shouldn't even petty about it. But I'm embarrassed about it. It's like I got cuckold or something. He suggested we should watch GoT and I was hesitant cause I just assumed it would be boring and filled with sexual scenes. Boy was I right, not only that but the sexual scenes were far more than I ******* thought so. SO MANY IN THE FIRST EPISODE. WTF *word removed*. You might as well call it really good acting **** with a good plot you ******* *word removed*. I get the books got written first. But Jesus Christ is that what makes **** popular now? Ugh. I was telling him through the mist of the show this **** is wack the *word removed* tried to shut me up it's just naked people. It's acting. What the ****, shutting me up whils watching this ******* ****. Maybe it was my cue to leave him. I didnt. I was getting so uncomfortable with the scenes happening, I got up and left the lounge. I tried to calm myself, because I just ******* went through a sort of cheating in front of me. He obviously got turned on and I just can't even. I tried to sing to calm my nerves but I was shaking, my lips trembled. My voice was quivering...**** I wanted to die. That night was horrible we argued and I ditched him for 4 hours while he tried looking for me to see if he cared about me. Which he did try, didn't bother leaving his car to walk but okay. I was just sitting at the beach bearing the damn cold crying. Didn't do anything else.
I have watched **** many times, it does turn me on. Etc. So it wasn't my first time seeing people do stuff on the screen. But this is different this is the person I want to spend my life with and how I thought they didn't ******* care about **** like that in our relationship. After that night he made up his mind that we shouldn't watch his beloved show. The argument even seeped into the morning. I just couldn't trust him in sexual means anymore. I can't even get turned on anymore, I FEEL NOTHING. I used to so easily by thinking about him and having the urge come naturally. I'm still so ******* insecure now. Even to the point where I thought he was admiring a girl yesterday at the store. UGH. Maybe he was. Should I rot myself back home because **** I hate having not sleeping enough especially not feeling pretty/sexy. So insecure with myself I'm going to buy a bit of makeup to cover up my dark circles and sunspots. Even though he tells me not to. I've never considered make up so serious until these past few weeks.
Did I get cucked or something? What am I supposed to do with my dead clit? Been thinking whether I should leave even though life back home is much more gloomy and lonely. It's already gloomy and mental here but I'm with someone who appreciates me and can't deal with other people. I feel the same way too but I wish I didn't feel so bad. My hometown dislikes me and I dislike it. I have no friends there. I hate crying. I hate these ******* tears. But I'm unsatisfied. I'm unsatisfied with life and myself. I do nothing, I'm just a maid at home for him. Getting a minimum wage job here is ******* hard and frustrating. Called so many times and asking about an update on the resume. Nepotism is overwhelming here. I have no skills besides minimum wage. Once I get residency I will apply again though. I do have minor plans after obtaining a job like driving here. I have daydreaming a bit on having a respectful caring boyfriend for some time. Seeing how my current one isn't the normal type. But I'm as ****** up as him. I'm rude, disrespectful, childish, etc. Its like you have to be with someone with similar demeanor? I just can't imagine living after leaving and going back home. I'd rather much die. Because going back is just an embarrassment, a congratulations on failing in life.
So, I've had low self esteem for my whole life. I'm female and I'm just a bit under 21. Whole life, no doubt. I have been diagnosed for three disorders, depression and anxiety related. As well as schizotypal. I have a large amount of complicated strong delusions. Like I trust my outrageous stupid thoughts more than my partner. As you might already guessed, I don't trust easily. I've never trusted my own family to begin with, yup starting point. I just love having grown up so damn worthless and one sided. I still can't get over that stuff. I'm like frustrated as to why should I have grown up so messed out?! My siblings didn't turn out bad! Why ******* me?! I lived away from my hometown and I got reminded days ago as to why it's best not to visit. My family doesn't care about what I say nor do they ever side with me. Even if I'm making sense aside from my stupidity.
Life I think would be easier without these illnesses. Maybe as time goes on living away, I'll be able to control my head...Ha, I wish. I've been living away for nearly a year and I plan to live in this country permanently. I also live with my partner. We've been living together for nearly a year and known each other for nearly 2 years. We are pretty much straight-forward, we are not like the respectful loving kind of couple. I guess you can say tough love. We do make love and appreciate each other, tell it to each other. Blah blah.
But my self esteem has gotten lower involving an incident, I personally think it's affecting me more than him. I have never seen him watching **** in our entire physical relationship. He's pretty much out of the house most of the time cause of work. While he's here, he's in public view. Big window near computer desk in the lounge. I lounge there as well because the others rooms are cold and I want his company. He does browse selected boards on 4chan, 8chan that feature pretty looking girls from time to time. But he doesn't pay mind to them because his intentions on browsing were not for that. It'd surprise me if I ever see him watching **** for pleasure.
So what started my really low esteem as of now is just petty I guess. I feel as if I shouldn't even petty about it. But I'm embarrassed about it. It's like I got cuckold or something. He suggested we should watch GoT and I was hesitant cause I just assumed it would be boring and filled with sexual scenes. Boy was I right, not only that but the sexual scenes were far more than I ******* thought so. SO MANY IN THE FIRST EPISODE. WTF *word removed*. You might as well call it really good acting **** with a good plot you ******* *word removed*. I get the books got written first. But Jesus Christ is that what makes **** popular now? Ugh. I was telling him through the mist of the show this **** is wack the *word removed* tried to shut me up it's just naked people. It's acting. What the ****, shutting me up whils watching this ******* ****. Maybe it was my cue to leave him. I didnt. I was getting so uncomfortable with the scenes happening, I got up and left the lounge. I tried to calm myself, because I just ******* went through a sort of cheating in front of me. He obviously got turned on and I just can't even. I tried to sing to calm my nerves but I was shaking, my lips trembled. My voice was quivering...**** I wanted to die. That night was horrible we argued and I ditched him for 4 hours while he tried looking for me to see if he cared about me. Which he did try, didn't bother leaving his car to walk but okay. I was just sitting at the beach bearing the damn cold crying. Didn't do anything else.
I have watched **** many times, it does turn me on. Etc. So it wasn't my first time seeing people do stuff on the screen. But this is different this is the person I want to spend my life with and how I thought they didn't ******* care about **** like that in our relationship. After that night he made up his mind that we shouldn't watch his beloved show. The argument even seeped into the morning. I just couldn't trust him in sexual means anymore. I can't even get turned on anymore, I FEEL NOTHING. I used to so easily by thinking about him and having the urge come naturally. I'm still so ******* insecure now. Even to the point where I thought he was admiring a girl yesterday at the store. UGH. Maybe he was. Should I rot myself back home because **** I hate having not sleeping enough especially not feeling pretty/sexy. So insecure with myself I'm going to buy a bit of makeup to cover up my dark circles and sunspots. Even though he tells me not to. I've never considered make up so serious until these past few weeks.
Did I get cucked or something? What am I supposed to do with my dead clit? Been thinking whether I should leave even though life back home is much more gloomy and lonely. It's already gloomy and mental here but I'm with someone who appreciates me and can't deal with other people. I feel the same way too but I wish I didn't feel so bad. My hometown dislikes me and I dislike it. I have no friends there. I hate crying. I hate these ******* tears. But I'm unsatisfied. I'm unsatisfied with life and myself. I do nothing, I'm just a maid at home for him. Getting a minimum wage job here is ******* hard and frustrating. Called so many times and asking about an update on the resume. Nepotism is overwhelming here. I have no skills besides minimum wage. Once I get residency I will apply again though. I do have minor plans after obtaining a job like driving here. I have daydreaming a bit on having a respectful caring boyfriend for some time. Seeing how my current one isn't the normal type. But I'm as ****** up as him. I'm rude, disrespectful, childish, etc. Its like you have to be with someone with similar demeanor? I just can't imagine living after leaving and going back home. I'd rather much die. Because going back is just an embarrassment, a congratulations on failing in life.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
