Saying NO to loneliness! My Journal

[bender22]

A solid start to my challenge

Two days into my challenge and seven approaches down. I went into town yesterday to get started on my new challenge (30 approaches in 18 days). My go-to spot for meeting girls during the day has become the uni campus in the city, it’s a great spot.

I spotted a girl sitting by herself at a table outside. After hesitating for a while, I approached her. There were a lot of nerves in me when I first spoke to her and I’m sure she noticed that. She said she had to get to a class and left after a few minutes.

The next girl I approached was sitting by herself inside. I saw look over in my direction a few times before I approached, she may or may not have been looking at me I’m not sure. This approach was far better than the previous one, my nerves had disappeared and it felt a lot more natural. The interaction that followed was also a lot better too. I was feeling confident and she was responding well. We spoke for maybe 10 minutes before the friend she was waiting for arrived. When her friend got there I said before you leave, we should stay in touch somehow and she quickly offered her facebook. If the friend hadn’t been there, I may have asked for the number. But this girl was gorgeous, so I was happy just to get her facebook.

The third girl I spoke to was walking by herself. I think I complimented her on what she was wearing but she was in a hurry and wasn’t interested in talking so I bailed quickly.

Today, I met up with some new wingmen. Before I met up with them, I saw a cute girl who was wearing a jacket that looked kinda like one of those QR codes you scan with your phone. I told her this and said I wanted to get my phone and scan her. She laughed. We had a quick chat and it was going fairly well but she had to get to a class. I thought about asking for her number or facebook but I was concerned the interaction was too short for her to feel comfortable giving out her number. Probably should’ve tried anyway.

When I met up with the other guys we played a game where you have five minutes to get as many people’s names as you can. It’s just a way to pump up your state and make you feel more comfortable talking to random strangers. Any guys reading this, you should try it. I got 11 names in 5 minutes...most of them were guys though. That was more than any of the other guys got. It definitely helped me loosen up and get into a ‘don’t give a ****’ mentality. Which is what you need doing this. If you care too much about other people’s perceptions of you then you will probably fail.

When I was talking to the other guys, I saw a cute girl nearby. I said I’d approach her. The interaction turned out really well. She saw one of the other guys I was with and told me that he had approached her about a month ago. I could’ve let that distract me but I played it off cooly and made a joke about it. I was definitely ‘in the zone’ during this interaction, there was a lot of gold coming out of my mouth. I said we should exchange numbers but she said she’d just add me on facebook. I just said yeah okay but I should’ve pushed for the number. Besides that, it was a very solid interaction, one of my best recently.

When I returned to the other guys we talked for a few more minutes then I saw another girl walk past, a cute blonde. I went after her and told her she looked cool and I wanted to talk to her. She stopped and chatted. She looked over at the other guys and told me one of them had approached her before (the same one lol). I didn’t handle that as well as I did in the previous interaction. I stumbled a little bit and it was kinda awkward but I quickly changed the topic. We talked for a few minutes but she had to go catch her bus and I didn’t feel like there was much of a connection so I didn’t bother pushing it any further.

I was almost about to head home, when one of the other guys saw a girl sitting by herself and said I should approach her. My approach was really strong and she responded really well. She was a super cool girl, attractive, fairly outgoing, easy to talk to and very friendly. If all girls were like this, guys wouldn’t be afraid of approaching random girls. The interaction was great, we talked about a lot of fun stuff and also more serious topics. The only problem was she mentioned her boyfriend somewhere in the conversation. We still talked for about 20 minutes, we probably could’ve talked all day because the conversation was flowing so nicely. Although she had a boyfriend I still asked for her facebook and she was more than happy to add me.

So pretty good day overall. Four approaches, two of which were very solid interactions resulting in facebooks. It definitely helped having the other guys to push me and it was interesting to see their interactions as well. One thing I noticed was my better interactions seemed a lot more natural than theirs. That’s something I should keep in mind, my best daytime interactions always feel very natural, kinda like I’m talking to a friend I’ve known for years.

Also I had a black tea and some chocolate before I went out so maybe the caffeine did help me Batman. I’m still not convinced there’s a lot to gain from using caffeine to enhance your social skills, however. I’ll experiment a bit more with and without caffeine and report the results on here.

23 approaches to go.

 

[Batman55]

Also I had a black tea and some chocolate before I went out so maybe the caffeine did help me Batman. I’m still not convinced there’s a lot to gain from using caffeine to enhance your social skills, however. I’ll experiment a bit more with and without caffeine and report the results on here.

23 approaches to go.[/font][/size]

Interesting report this time. Seems like you did pretty well.

For me, caffeine helps in that it sharpens focus (being distractible or inattentive never helps anyone) but also somehow helps to "go with the flow," a kind of slight social lubrication, if you will. You can experiment with coffee vs. tea, larger amounts vs. smaller amounts, and see how the results compare. Of course, it doesn't guarantee good results--the only thing you can count on is a slight boost in confidence, especially if you're feeling uncertain that day.

Curious if you've ever communicated much with a girl you added to Facebook (without getting her number) ?

 

[bender22]

Testing a new style of approach

This 18 day challenge is exactly what I needed. My progress was really stagnating for a while and I was becoming complacent. Now I’m taking action again, building momentum and the results are coming back again. I should know by now that if I take enough action, the results will come.

On Thursday I caught up with my new wingmen again at the uni campus. I didn’t have much time there so I only got two approaches done. I was talking to one of the other guys and he saw a girl walking towards the bus stop and said I should approach her. I walked over to get a better view of her, once I saw her I had to approach her. Sometimes when you approach a random girl it doesn’t even feel like you’re talking to a random stranger, it feels like you’re just talking to an old friend. This was one of those interactions. It wasn’t my best interaction ever (my two good interactions the previous day were a lot better) but there was a good vibe behind it. When her bus arrived, I said we should catch up for a drink one day and gave her my phone to punch in her number. Hopefully we do catch up again because she was very cute and European...I like European girls.

The next girl I approached was also waiting at the bus stop. I talked to her for about 10 minutes but I wasn’t feeling much of a connection. She was very attractive and we had a few things in common but it just didn’t click. I got the feeling she may have a boyfriend. I bailed without asking for a number or facebook.

Last night I went to a friend’s pub crawl in town. My night interactions haven’t been great recently so I decided it was time to change my approach. Normally I’ll just walk up to a girl and start talking. I often spot the girl, hesitate and think about what I’m going to say then approach. Whenever I walk around a bar or nightclub there are always some girls who will look at me and make eye contact. Normally I’ll make eye contact with them for a second or two then keep walking but these are missed opportunities. Last night I decided to start taking advantage of those opportunities. My approaches went something like this: spot girl > make eye contact > extend hand > take her hand > talk to her. This approach give you no time to hesitate, it forces you to think of your feet. If executed properly I think this approach can be very effective.

I first used my new approach on the dancefloor. There were a group of girls on the same pub crawl as me dancing and I noticed one of them look at me when I got close to them. I extended my hand and she took it enthusiastically and talked to me. It was a really loud spot so it was hard to talk but she introduced me to a few of her friends. I wasn’t really in the zone yet and it wasn’t going anywhere so I bailed.

I was lining up at the bar and saw a girl standing next to me who was on another pub crawl. She looked at me so I asked how her pub crawl was going. My memory of this interaction is a little hazy but I seem to recall it going fairly well. I tried to convince her to come to the next bar I was going to but she said she didn’t like that place. I really should’ve asked for her number and suggested we meet up later but after a while I just said bye and left.
When I was walking to the next place there were two girls walking towards me. As they got closer one of them said something about my pub crawl t-shirt so I stopped and talked to them. We had a fun conversation, which somehow lead to talking about picking up girls. They came up with some line they thought I should use to pick up girls and one of them said add me on facebook and let me know if it works. I teased her about this, saying only high school students exchange facebook’s and she should give me her number instead. She obliged and we said we’d meet up later.

When I got to the next place I was walking around and made eye contact with one girl. I extended my hand to her, she hesitated at first but then took my hand. It was too loud to have a conversation so I mostly just danced with her and her sister. When I did talk to her she responded well. I took her over to my group to introduce her to them and then we got a drink at the bar. In hindsight there were a lot of things I could’ve done better in this interaction but it was still okay and she seemed quite receptive. I let the interaction drag out for too long and played it way too safe.

Later I was going to the upstairs area. When I got up the top of the stairs I saw a cute girl who was about to go downstairs. We looked at each other, I instantly put my hand out without hesitating. She took my hand and I pulled her into me, hugged her and said something about how we were having a moment and it was true love. She looked into my eyes and we made out. All in under 30 seconds, I think that’s my fastest makeout ever. She said she had to get back to her friends downstairs so I told her to give me her number first. She did.

I talked to a lot of other people during the night but those were the most interesting interactions. Although I talked to a lot of girls during the night, I can only think of four true approaches so I’m going to count it as four. That means I’m up to 13 in my first four days of the challenge. Easily on target to complete the 30 approaches.

Quick thoughts:
-Best night out I’ve had since the last pub crawl, I had a few drinks which probably helped. I wasn’t drunk though.
-New style of approach is solid. If I keep working on it, I think my night time results could improve significantly. It’s spontaneous, which girls like, it instantly separates you from most other guys and it also gives you a good indication of the girl’s ‘buying temperature.’ If the girl hesitates for too long or won’t take your hand then you know she’s probably not interested and you can move on without wasting any time. On the flipside, if she responds well and quickly takes your hand then you know there’s a good chance she’s interested and that makes it easier to escalate and take risks. Strong eye contact is essential when executing this approach.
-Talked to a lot of people during the night which was good but still missed opportunities. There were several other chances to try my new approach that I didn’t take advantage of.
-Take risks and be physical. I got that makeout because I took a risk and was physical right of the bat. Do that more often.

Batman: Generally I've found facebook doesn't lead to much communication. It has on a few occasions but more often than not, nothing comes from it. Although I often don't even bother contacting a lot of the girls I add on facebook, maybe because I don't use it often any more.

 

[Batman55]

Batman: Generally I've found facebook doesn't lead to much communication. It has on a few occasions but more often than not, nothing comes from it. Although I often don't even bother contacting a lot of the girls I add on facebook, maybe because I don't use it often any more.

In that case, next time a girl declines to give you a number and just offers you her Facebook, tell her "So you're not interested then? Neither am I." And after that, simply walk away. I'd say this is what a mature gentleman would do.

 

[bender22]

Tuesday afternoon
On Tuesday I caught up with my new group of wingmen at the uni campus in town. One of the other guys thought of a challenge to help get us warmed up and outside our comfort zones. We had to approach a girl and open with ‘seedless watermelons….how do they do it?’ A while ago I would’ve been so afraid of this challenge but now it didn’t phase me too much. When I did it, I had fun with it and the girl responded well to it. I got a lot better response than the other guys did because I tried to have fun with it. These type of challenges definitely help you loosen up.

When we were walking around I saw a cute girl sitting on bench by herself. We walked past her and we were going to keep walking but I stopped and said to the other guys I’d talk to her. I walked over and sat next to her. One thing I’ve noticed when talking to girls during the day, the first 5-10 seconds is really important. If you come in confidently and the girl responds well it makes the remainder of the interaction so much easier. That’s not to say you can’t recover from a bad start but it’s usually a lot harder.

Fortunately this interaction got off to a good start. We talked for quite a while. It wasn’t the most exciting conversation ever but it wasn’t boring either and I could sense she was into it. Something I’ve been thinking about is how to increase my chances of A. getting the girl’s number and B. seeing her again. A lot of guys can get girls to give out their number but the problem is they can’t getting her to meet up again. One solution to this might be to plan something during your initial interaction. There’s probably no need to make concrete plans, but at least plant the idea in her head. During the conversation we were talking about the bar on the uni campus and she told me she’d never been. When we got to the end of our interaction, I said we should go to the bar one day and she said yeah definitely, we should. This made it a lot easier for me to ask for her number and a lot easier for her to agree to giving me her number. We’ve exchanged a few texts since and I’m pretty confident I’ll see her again soon.

Later I approached another girl walking by herself. She didn’t seem interested in talking and walked away. Rejected! I didn’t really care, as I’ve seen this happens to all guys. This stuff is all very random and you have to accept there’s a lot of things you can’t control. That also means you can’t take something like that personally. For all I know, that girl was having a terrible day, maybe her grandma just died and she didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Thursday evening
Yesterday I went to my running club in the evening. I got there early to do some approaches first. I saw a girl sitting alone in the mall. She was cute but didn’t look like my type. I didn’t expect there to be much of a connection so I just treated this as a practice approach, which took a bit of pressure of me. At first she was very quiet and seemed like she didn’t want to talk. But the more I talked, the more she opened up. After a few minutes she was getting quite talkative. I consider this a small win.

I did one more approach before running club. The girl was really cute but the interaction didn’t really go anywhere. She was friendly but obviously had other things on her mind and she had a boyfriend.

When I got to the running club there was one kinda cute girl. She was talking to another guy and girl. I went over and talked to the three of them as a group. My intention was to just get myself on the cute girl’s radar so it would be easier to approach her at the end of the run if she was alone. I did catch her alone after the run and I spoke to her. We didn’t talk for too long but I could continue talking to her next time if she’s there.

11 approaches to go and one week left.

 

[bender22]

Challenge complete

Saturday night I went with out my buddy Matt who I’ve mentioned in previous journals. We talked to a lot of girls during the night. I counted six approaches I did myself but I also joined in on a lot of Scott’s approaches.

Most of the interactions I was just trying to have fun. Having fun and self amusement is a big part of Matt’s interactions and it’s something I want to apply more to my interactions. If you’re having fun, the girl you’re talking to will probably have fun too.

I won’t go through every single interaction. My best interaction was when I was walking around by myself, while Matt was talking to another girl. I saw a girl at the bar and we made eye contact so I acted instantly. I extended my hand to her and spoke to her while I continued to hold her hand for about 15 seconds. She was with three friends and about a two minutes into our conversation her friends told her they were going outside. Normally at this point girls will just go with their friends but she actually stayed to talk to me. She was extremely talkative and outgoing, I’m not sure if that’s really my type of girl but I was still enjoying talking to her. About 10 minutes later her friends returned and they were going to another venue. I said to her we should hang out later and without any resistance she said ‘yeah message me,’ so I took her number. I felt like this was a solid interaction, she was the type of outgoing, good looking girl a lot of guys would be intimidated by but I didn’t let that throw me off at all.

Today I met up with my group of daytime wingmen at the uni campus. I needed five more approaches to complete my challenge. For my first few approaches I did, I used the seedless watermelon question (from my previous journal entry) to help get me in the zone. I had fun with these approaches but it didn’t really go anywhere. One of the other guys spotted a girl walking nearby and said I should approach her. I walked in front of her and said something like I was bored and wanted to talk to her. She was very friendly and the conversation went well. I was feeling confident. Not sure why but I decided to ask her her facebook instead of her number.

Later I approached another girl who was walking by herself. The interaction went alright but there wasn’t much of a connection and I don’t think she was my type. Normally I wouldn’t bother asking for a number or anything in this situation but I wanted to get some practice going for numbers. I was about to ask for her number but she said ‘you should know I have a boyfriend if you’re trying to pick me up’ or something like that. I said ‘oh nah I was just going to say we should exchange facebooks and be friends,’ to which she replied ‘nah that’s fine.’ Even though I didn’t have much interest in this girl, I still felt kinda dejected after this response. I guess I can sort of understand guys who don’t approach so they can preserve what self esteem they do have. If I was regularly getting turned down by girls like this, my self esteem would probably take a harsh blow. The important thing to remember is this happens to all guys who put themselves in these situations and you can’t take it personally.

So that’s my challenge complete, with one day to spare. Not sure what my next challenge will be. Any ideas? I think challenges like this are a great way to ensure I’m taking action and moving towards my goals.

Also for anyone who reads this, is there anything else you would like me to discuss in my journal entries? In addition to this being a way for me to review and track my own progress, I also hope it’s an informative source for others who are trying to improve their social skills or meet women. I try to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned from my experiences but if there’s anything else I could include that would help others or something I could go into more depth on then let me know

 

[bender22]

A very challenging but very rewarding night out

On Thursday afternoon I went back to the uni campus with my group of wingmen. I didn’t do much by myself but instead I tried approaching groups of two girls together with one of the other guys. This is something I hadn’t done much of during the day before so I wanted to give it a try.

We ended up approaching four or five groups of two girls. My main goal was to make these interactions light hearted and fun which I achieved. I was definitely holding the conversation a lot better than the other guy who stumbled a bit and was fairly nervous. The only thing I struggled with was turning the conversation more direct and setting up an opportunity to get digits. But it did give me some ideas for how to better handle these interactions in future.

On Saturday morning I caught up with one of the other guys at the local shopping center. We practiced approaching groups of two girls together again. I’m not sure why, but these interactions weren’t flowing as well as the ones we did on Thursday. Something just wasn’t clicking for me. We still had a few reasonable interactions but they were mostly short and didn’t lead anywhere. Still good practice.

Saturday night, I decided I would try going out alone again. It’s been a long time since I went out alone at night, I did it a few times when I first started this journal, without much success. Going out alone is so much harder than going out with other people. But I need to keep challenging myself and I thought this would be a great way to do it.

My plan was to talk to people whenever I got a chance. Guys, girls, people on the street, bartenders, whoever. This would help me build up momentum and give me less time to make excuses inside my head or for any other negative self talk. When I was walking to the bar, I spoke to the first person I saw. As a more introverted person, just making small chat with random people is not something that comes naturally to me but I knew I had to do it if I wanted to have a decent night.

When I got inside, I wanted to approach some girls as soon as possible. The mistake I made the other times I went out alone was taking far too long to approach or even talk to anyone. The longer you take to approach, the more pressure starts building up in your mind and it’s easy to keep making excuses. This time it took me about 10 minutes to do my first approach, which is longer than ideal but not too bad. I first approached a group of two girls and treated it purely as a warmup interaction to take the pressure off. It was only a quick interaction, I was pretty stifled and couldn’t think of much to say so I bailed.

I had a few more interactions like that one. The important thing is I was talking to people, taking action. It was definitely challenging though, trying to build momentum by myself without any friends to talk to. I had one tough interaction, where I approached two girls. They were really bitchy and basically ignored me. Rather than letting it bother me, I thought I’d use it as an opportunity to have some fun. I just kept talking to them, to amuse myself. It was like talking to a brick wall. They did smile a few times, so I’ll call that a win. The guy next to me said he admired my persistence lol.

Later, I saw a girl standing by herself on her phone. I approached her with my ‘stop texting me, I’m already here’ line. She was one of those outgoing girls who are really easy to talk to. By this point, I was starting to get into the zone and my conversational skills were a lot sharper than they were earlier in the night. Part way into our conversation, this big macho looking guy came over and stood next to us. I assume he’d probably approached this girl earlier then gone to get a drink and then came back to find me talking to the girl. I just acted as if he wasn’t even there. She even said ‘well it was nice to meet you’ but I just ignored this and kept talking. After a minute or so the guy just walked away. The interaction was going really well and the girl actually got out her phone and asked me for my number. We talked for a while after that then she said she had to go outside for a smoke. The only thing I could’ve done better in this interaction was take more risks. She obviously liked me so there was no reason not to take a few more risks, I should’ve gone for a makeout or something. But besides that it was a really good interaction.

After that, I decided to leave that place and try somewhere different. While I was walking to the next place there was a girl walking next to me. I spoke to her and she responded really well. I’d definitely gained a lot of momentum from the previous interaction, I was feeling good so it was easy to talk to her. I told her I was going to a bar nearby and she asked if she could come because she didn’t want to go back to the place her friends were at. If we went to the bar together, it would just be the two of us and it would be easy to escalate there. It was a perfect opportunity. She had to stop into a shop for something first. We were almost at the bar when she got a call from her friend who was demanding she came back to the other place. Noo! She said she had to go back to her friend but she’d give me her number. I tried for a while to convince her to come with me but had no luck. It sucked that I missed out on what would have been a really good opportunity but still a solid interaction.

Next, I was walking to a different bar when I spotted a really cute girl walking towards me. As she got closer to me I was very close to saying something to her but I bitched out at the last second and kept walking past her. I don’t know if she noticed me. As I walked on, I looked back and thought **** it, I’ll go back and do it anyway. So I turned around, caught up with her and spoke to her. At first, I wasn’t sure if she wanted to get rid of me or she was just teasing. I think she was trying to test me but I handled it pretty well. After I passed her tests, she opened up a lot more. She actually had a great personality, she had far better conversation skills than most of the girls I meet at night. I liked it. We walked and talked for almost 10 minutes. I stopped and said I was going into the bar we were passing by, she said it was nice to meet you then kept walking. I told her to stop again and suggested we should exchange numbers. She said if we see each other later in the night, we could possibly swap numbers. I told her that was a huge risk then she agreed and punched her number into my phone. She said she never usually gives out her number. I was pretty happy, this girl was gorgeous and had a great personality...a combination I don’t often come across at night.

Maybe I should’ve kept going while I was on a roll. But I was satisfied with what I’d achieved during the night and I was starting to get tired so I called it a night.

I’m thrilled with what I accomplished this night. I definitely overcame a lot of self imposed barriers to success. Meeting girls at night, while alone and sober is a massive challenge. Even more outgoing and socially experienced guys would struggle with it. Take a look at the first few pages of my journal and look at my abysmal attempts at it. I remember there were a few nights when I went into town alone and ended up leaving without talking to a single person. This just shows how far I’ve come.

Despite getting off to a rough start, I still kept persisting and turned it into a great night. I went home with three numbers. I gained a lot of confidence from the night, a lot more self belief. I also learned a lot from the night, far more than I usually learn from my nights out. There were a lot of things I could’ve done better but I was able to identify the mistakes I made and I will work on correcting them next time.

 

[bender22]

I caught up with one of the other guys at the uni during the week. We were working on approaching girls together again. The first girl we talked to was sitting by herself. She had an awesome personality. We only had a few minutes to talk to her before her friend came, which was a shame because both of us were really enjoying the conversation.

After that first interaction, I think we talked to another 5 or 6 girls. Most of those interactions went pretty well but were fairly short. The other guy has been doing this for about the same length of time as me. He does tend to get quite nervous during the interactions and stumble a bit which can make the girls a bit uncomfortable. Fortunately, I think my conversational skills were good enough to compensate for his nervousness most of the time.

The advantage of approaching girls with someone else is it’s a lot easier. I hesitate a lot less when I’m approaching with another guy. I also think I’m able to express myself better and have more fun with the interactions, as long as the other guy isn’t dominating the conversation. The disadvantage is it seems harder to make the interaction more direct and get numbers.

Friday night I had a friend’s birthday in town. I was hoping it would be a big night but the place we went to was unusually quiet. I only ended up doing one approach. There honestly weren’t many other opportunities to approach, the only other girls were older or in big groups. I guess that’s partly just an excuse.

Last night I went out with Matt from some of my other journals. He has great social skills and I’ve learned a lot from him. We talked to maybe four or five groups of girls together. I was pretty stifled throughout the whole night (which was only a few hours, I didn’t stay late). I kept relying on Matt to hold the interactions. There were a few girls we spoke to who were showing some signs of interest in me but I couldn’t maintain my interactions, I kept running out of things to say. I think part of the problem was I was trying to replicate Matt’s style. He has a very unique, humorous kind of style which gets good responses from girls. I can sort of replicate that style at times with some success but I can’t maintain it. I need to be able to develop my own style, something that feels more natural to me and something I can maintain.

I’ve been trying to think of what it’s going to take to really accelerate my progress. I don’t want to just dabble in this. Over the past 6 months, I’ve had a taste of success. But I want more and I want it more consistently. There’s still so much more I have to learn. I’m going to look for daily opportunities to push my comfort zone. There’s a lot of opportunities I’m missing out on where I could be building on my social skills. Whether it’s just saying hello to people, small chat with the girl at the checkout when I go shopping, talking to people at the gym. Just going out a few times a week to talk to girls isn’t enough. This is something I need to work on everyday. Hopefully by making an effort to talk to people throughout the week it will make it easier for me to talk to girls on the nights I go out too.

 

[bender22]

I went into town with one of the other guys during the week and we talked to some girls. Nothing very exciting to report. I wasn’t playing to win and I was finding it really difficult to get in the zone. But I think most people have days like that.

Last night I went out with Matt (from previous journals) and a couple of other guys. In terms of results, it wasn’t a spectacular night. I got a few facebooks but that was all. However, I was still fairly satisfied with my night. During the week I was reflecting on my night out last week and realised there were a few things I needed to change.

I mentioned last week I was relying on Matt to hold our interactions. This has been the case almost everytime I’ve approached girls with Matt. Usually most of the attention will be on him and I’ll be sitting there in spectator mode half the time. I realised that part of the problem was that I’ve been trying to replicate his style during the interactions. While this has been successful to some degree in some interactions, it’s not really in line with my personality and it doesn’t allow me to best express myself.

When we went into the first venue last night, I approached two girls, together with Matt. This time, my style was a lot different to Matt’s. It felt a lot more natural for me which allowed me to contribute far more to the interaction. This time, the girl’s attention was a lot more directed at me than in previous interactions I’ve done with Matt. There were even times when I felt like I was the one holding the interaction, while Matt was more in spectator mode. So this was a big improvement on last week.

Another mistake I identified in my interactions over the past few weeks was that I often sound very uncertain of myself. I need to sound a lot more grounded and dominant in my interactions, especially at night. You can achieve this through simple changes in your vocal tonality and how fast you speak. Usually when I do apply these changes to the way I speak, I also find it easier to think of things to say. I’m sure there’s probably some sort of psychological explanation for that.

I implemented these change best in my third interaction of the night. I approached a cute girl who had just sat down near me. At first, I thought she was going to be kinda bitchy. I think if she had sensed much uncertainty in me, the interaction wouldn’t have lasted long. But I was able to sound very confident and grounded. She responded well to this. We were chatting for 10-15 minutes. I definitely felt a lot more in control than I have in other interactions recently. She said she had a boyfriend so I didn’t take it much further but there were still a lot of positives to take out of this interaction.

In my last entry, I wrote that I need to find my own style. I think the style I used in this interaction works well for me. It’s confident, grounded, fairly intense a little bit cocky, playful and it allows me to express myself well. This seems to work particularly well for me at night, especially when I’m in the zone. I’ll keep playing around with this style and perfecting it over the next few weeks. A more laid back style seems to work best for me during the day.

There was another solid interaction where I approached a girl standing by herself outside. Again I was fairly confident and grounded throughout the interaction. She said she was waiting for her dad to pick her up so I knew I’d have to be quick if I wanted to get her number. But I left it too late.

So not a bad night, I identified my weaknesses and improved them, I took action (I think I approached four or five girls during the night, which is still not enough but it’s better), I gained some valuable reference experiences that will give me more confidence in future and I was able to build some momentum and get in the zone. If we’d been to some busier venues, I’m confident I would’ve got better results.

 

[bender22]

On the plus side, I’ve got three girls who seem keen to hang out soon. Two of them are from tinder, which I just downloaded at the start of the week. One of them looks really cute in her photos and we’ve been planning to catch up this coming week. I haven’t planned anything specifically with the second tinder girl because she’s busy with exams but she said she’d like to hang out this coming week after her exams are finished.

The third girl who I’m hopeful I’ll be able to see again this week, I met during the day at the uni. I saw her walking by herself and approached her. It turned out she was going into an exam but I had about 10 minutes to talk to her while she waited to go into the exam. We had a good chat, mostly just talking about uni and stuff. nothing very exciting but it went well. Before she went into the exam I asked for her number and she gave it to me. We’ve exchanged quite a few texts since. I feel like she’s invested enough to agree to a date but I’m waiting until she finishes her exams until I try to set something up.

On the downside, I went out last night and it was my worst night out I’ve had for a while. I went out with the group of guys I’ve talked about who I’ve been hanging out with during the day. Most of them hadn’t been going out at night to talk to girls recently like I have. So they were very hesitant to approach. I should’ve taken the lead and started approaching and talking to people myself but instead I used it as an excuse not to approach because they weren’t either.

The problem is if you don’t start approaching and being social from the start of the night it can easily ruin your whole night. This is what happened. The longer you wait to approach girls, the harder it becomes. One thing I’ve discovered in recent weeks, is to get in the zone I have to be approaching girls and talking to people from the beginning of the night. Once I’ve talked to 3-5 girls, I can usually get in the zone and everything becomes 50 times easier. Once I’m in the zone, if I see a good opportunity to approach a girl, I’ll usually go for it without hesitating too much and my interactions will be pretty solid. In future, I must make it a rule to at least approach one girl in the first 20 minutes, even if my friends aren’t approaching. I need to accept that my first few approaches probably won’t be great but it’s like an investment for the rest of the night.

In some ways I wonder whether I’d be better off going out solo now. I proved a few weeks ago that I’m capable of having a good night out by myself. If I’m out alone, I know I can’t rely on anyone else, it’s entirely up to me to be proactive and make things happen. Talking to strangers has never come naturally to me and I still find it very difficult. Perhaps more solo nights out would help me become more comfortable talking to strangers.

The only girls I talked to last night were from groups that one of the other guys had approached. When I talked to them, I had so little momentum which made it extremely difficult. The difference between my interactions when I’m really switched on and my interactions when I’m not switched on is huge. On my way home I felt absolutely terrible because I’d basically wasted the night. I usually only have one night out each week so I have to make the most of it if I want to make fast progress. Hopefully the pain I felt after this night will motivate me to take more action next time.

 

[bender22]

New challenge

I’ve decided to re-do the last challenge I did: 30 approaches in 18 days. I started on Tuesday and I’m up to 9 approaches now. My first approach of the new challenge went really well. I go to a running club in town on Tuesday nights occasionally. Before the run started I saw a super cute blonde girl waiting by herself. We chatted for a while before the run started and hit it off pretty well. When we got back from the run we chatted again. Before she left I asked for her number and she agreed straight away without hesitating. I was really stoked with this interaction. The girl was easily one of the most attractive girls I’ve ever got a number from and she seemed like a genuinely cool and friendly girl. We’ve exchanged a few texts since and I’m really hoping I can set up a date with her.

Thursday, I went out with the other guys during the day again. I spoke to several girls together with the other guys but I only managed to do one approach by myself and that didn’t go anywhere.

On Friday night I went out for a quick ‘warm up night.’ There was a pub crawl in town so we followed that. When I first got there I talked to a couple of guys on the pub crawl to help get warmed up. I should really do this more often on my nights out. Most guys will be friendly enough to have a chat, there’s no pressure like there is when talking to girls and it helps to gather some social momentum.

I added another three to my approach tally during the night. The first two were only short interactions that didn’t go anywhere. On the third approach, I approached a group of two girls. I talked to one of them while my friend talked to the other. We were talking for about 15 minutes and the conversation was flowing really well. I probably should’ve tried to spice up the interaction more with some more humour or physicality but overall it was pretty solid. I was almost ready to ask for her number when we got on to the subject of football. She told me what team she supports and I responded by saying ‘oh, well it was nice to meet you’ and pretended to walk away (as a joke). Unfortunately she thought I was serious and went back to her friends. Might need to work on my joke delivery lol.

Last night I went out with one of the other guys. We’re both at about the same level so it worked well. As soon as we entered the first bar we started approaching. I didn’t want a repeat of last week where we waited too long to start approaching and then it destroyed the whole night. We did a few warm up approaches together. I don’t count these approaches I do with a wingman towards my tally.

I did three approaches by myself in the first bar. Like I said in my previous journal, I need to treat the first 3-4 approaches of the night as an investment in the rest of the night. That’s exactly what I did last night. I had very low expectations from these first approaches, I didn’t care about getting numbers or hooking up with them (which takes a lot of pressure off), I just wanted to build up the momentum.

I succeeded in building up some momentum. After the third approach I was feeling good. All three approaches were fairly short but went alright. I tried to leave on a high note in each interaction (just by saying ‘it was nice to meet you..have a great night!’) This leaves you feeling a lot better than if they just walk away.

On my fourth approach, I saw a girl standing outside a bar by herself. By this point I was feeling warmed up, my confidence was much higher and everything just flowed nicely. She said her friends were inside and she invited me to come in and have a drink with them. I joined her group inside for a while and talked to a few others in the group too. When I got a chance, I told her my friend and I were going somewhere else but we should exchange numbers so we could catch up later. I got a text from her later in the night (good sign when a girl texts you first) but I was already on my way home.

After we left that place, my buddy had to go home because he was working the next morning. I decided to call it a night at that point too. In hindsight, I should’ve stayed out by myself. I was feeling good, having gone through my warm up process. If I’d stayed on for another hour or two, I think I could’ve used that momentum to get some good results.

Also I'll try to make sure this next week is exciting so I can make my 100th post on ALL a good one

 

[bender22]

100 posts on ALL!

I’m starting to realise how much of this is mental. I’m having a lot of trouble adopting the right mindsets, letting go of limiting beliefs, controlling my emotions and staying positive. It’s tough. My mind is definitely my worst enemy right now.

I would’ve liked my 100th post to be more interesting than this. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be. Friday night was decent at least, so I’ll begin with that.

I went out with a couple of the other guys, I’ll call them P and J. When P and I first got there, we agreed to start approaching girls straight away to build up the momentum. I think I approached about 4 girls in the first 20 minutes when we got there.

My problem was that I couldn’t get the interactions to last much longer than a minute or two. They kept getting distracted by friends and leaving, which made it difficult for me to get the momentum going.

P and I were talking to each other when I saw a woman walk past us and I said I liked the flower she had in her hair. She stopped and talked to us. We spoke to her for about 20 minutes. Normally an interaction like this would boost my momentum. But this time, I could feel my momentum going down throughout the interaction. She was 9 or 10 years older than me and I wasn’t attracted to her at all so I had very little interest in the interaction. But P kept talking to her so I stayed around.

After we finally ejected from that interaction, we went to another venue. While we were walking to the next venue, I was talking to a really cute girl who was a friend of J. It was one of the better conversations I had during the night and I was hoping I could continue talking to her when we got inside but as soon as we got there she left to go home.

I talked to several girls inside but again nothing was really sticking. My best approach was when I was walking around and locked eyes with a cute girl on a pub crawl. I grabbed her hand and made strong eye contact with her. Instantly, my mind just switched on. I think when my mind senses a good opportunity and senses some interest from a girl it really wakes up and that’s when I’m at my best. I was feeling super confident and she was really engaged in the interaction. If her friends hadn’t been nearby I probably would’ve tried to kiss her. Then as soon as her friends started talking to her and I lost a bit of attention, I panicked and my mind switched off again. I did dance with her for a while and flirted with her several other times during the night but I just wasn’t on the same level as I was previously. She was always with her friends too and I don’t think her friends were on my side.

While I was out, I saw a guy I’ve met before. He goes out almost every night of the week and talks to girls and often takes them home with him. He’s pretty good. I watched him do a few approaches and saw him do 3 or 4 interactions in a row that didn’t work out very well. The difference between him and me is it clearly didn’t bother him and he just moved onto the next one. I shouldn’t take it so personally if girls don’t respond well to me, it happens to all guys.
Just after I left town I got a text from the girl in my previous journal who I number closed last weekend. She was in town. I considered going back but it was too late. Might have been a more interesting night if I had gone back.

Last night I was going to go into town with one of the other guys but he messaged me in the afternoon saying he couldn’t make it. I decided I’d try going out alone again. I walked into one bar, it was fairly quiet. There was a group of two girls I wanted to approach but I just couldn’t do it. I was it a really bad headspace. I walked back to my car and went home. Felt extremely disappointed in myself when I got home.

Probably one of my lowest points in this whole journal

I’ve also been texting several of the girls I’ve got numbers from over the past few weeks. I’m having trouble getting them to meet up again though. Need to work on a better texting strategy.

I have 12 more approaches to do in my challenge, with 5 days remaining.

 

[bender22]

Didn’t get a chance to post last week, wasn’t anything of much interest to report anyway. From now on I’m going to place more focus on meeting a wider range of people (not just girls). My people skills still let me down at times and I usually don’t take advantage of opportunities to improve them. If I start seeking out more opportunities to improve my people skills, I have no doubt it will help me attract more girls, make more friends and also open up more career opportunities if I can build a bigger network.

During the week I went to my running club where I had a good conversation with a guy from Italy who had just arrived over here to study. I also chatted to one of the run leaders for a while, who was actually pretty cute but probably a bit older than me.

I had a group interview for a new job during the week where I made sure I introduced myself to several of the other candidates and spoke to them for a while. Instead of only talking to my friends and girls when I was out last night like I usually do, I made a greater effort to talk to some guys in the bar. Talking to random guys is always a lot better than standing around not talking to anyone, I often forget that.

‘My first approach last night, I approached a group of three girls on the street. My approach was fairly strong, I opened with an authoritative tone of voice which got their attention and made them stop. I felt confident speaking to them and handled the group alright. One of the girls responded very positively, the other two were friendly but not really engaged. It turned out the one who responded best had a boyfriend but I got a number from one of the other two. These are exactly the type of interactions I want at the start of my night. Short and sweet. I have low expectations from my first few interactions but if I do happen to get a number, that’s even better.

I was about to approach a group of two girls on the street when I realised that I’d already met one of them earlier in the year at a friend’s birthday. Luckily I remembered her name and said hello but she didn’t remember me lol. She did seem really happy that I’d remembered her though. I asked where they were going and said I might go there later on too.

I did end up going there a bit later and spoke to them again. My buddy was talking to the girl I knew and I was having a good chat to her friend. The friend was a real cutie. She was really engaged in the conversation for a while. I was in a good, confident state, making good eye contact and building some attraction. The problem was the two girls were inseparable, which made it difficult to escalate with either of them. I spoke to them a few more times during the night but as long as they were together, I’m not sure what else I could do.

I had an interaction that started off really well with a cute Russian girl. There was definitely a lot of signs she was interested but not quite enough for me to escalate. Again I was feeling confident, making good eye contact being a little playful. I was doing well until her friend came over. I can’t handle it when friends interrupt the interaction. I just freeze up and don’t know what to do. Have to find a way to overcome that.

My friends left early and I was going to leave too but as I was walking back to my car, I bumped into a girl I’d met one night earlier this year. This one did remember me. She was excited to see me again and invited me to come with her and her friends to a bar nearby. Sensing a good opportunity, I went with them. This time I befriended the friends so they weren’t a problem.

After dancing with her and her friends for a while, the friends decided to go home but she was keen to stay on so it was just the two of us left. It was strange, this girl was obviously somewhat attracted to me because she wanted to hang out but at the same time she was kinda aloof. I was doing a lot of things right...leading her around the club, being physical and leading the conversation but I still should’ve taken more risks.

We spent about two hours hanging out together. Although we were getting very close and physical at times, I couldn’t really escalate far. I tried kissing her at one point but she wasn’t ready. I should’ve tried again later but I was too much of a ***** to try again.

After a while I was getting bored with her so I started looking for other girls to approach again. I started dancing with one girl but my mind just crumbled. I didn’t know what to do lol. It was too loud to talk, my dancing sucks and I didn’t have the balls to try taking any risks even though I probably could have gotten away with taking a few risks. So I sort of just stood there awkwardly attempting to dance and looking at her. I am woeful on the dancefloor haha.

I didn’t feel like doing any more approaches and couldn’t see myself getting much further with the girl I’d been hanging out with. I said goodbye to her before leaving and got her number. She told me to message her later.

Going out again tonight, bit tired after last night so it probably won’t be a big night. Few things I need to remember tonight and in future:
-A lot of short and sweet interactions at the start of the night
-Commit to my interactions - don’t half *** them
-Stay positive - keep smiling, focus on every little positive and forget the negatives
-Take more risks - like being physical from early in the interaction, leading her around the bar/club
-Have a realistic, achievable goal - maybe to get a girl to come to another bar or restaurant together with me?

 

[bender22]

Gonna write up a quick report on last night. Might add more to it later during the week after I’ve had longer to properly reflect on a few things.

In yesterdays post I said I’d need to:

-Have a lot of short and sweet interactions at the start of the night
-Commit to my interactions - don’t half *** them
-Stay positive - keep smiling, focus on every little positive and forget the negatives
-Take more risks - like being physical from early in the interaction, leading her around the bar/club
-Have a realistic, achievable goal - maybe to get a girl to come to another bar or restaurant together with me?

I did start approaching almost straight away when we got to the first bar. Think I did four or five approaches in the first hour - just short and sweet interactions with no expectations, only trying to build momentum. I’m definitely approaching more consistently than I have in the past but I could still do more. Also missed a few opportunities to talk to people on the way to the bar and while we were lining up.

I felt like I did commit to most of my interactions during the night. Often when I approach at night, I’ll start the interaction then just hope for the best. I really need to take more initiative, applying what I’ve learnt so far to make the interactions go somewhere. What I did well last night, was committing to my opening and starting the interaction well. What I need to do in future is commit to moving the interaction forward after the initial opening and conversation.

One thing I did really well last night was staying positive. Most of the night I had a big smile on my face, I kept saying to people how it was such a great night at that bar and kept telling my wingman how all the girls I’d spoken to were responding extremely well. I was basically just exaggerating all the positives. This might seem a bit delusional maybe, but it definitely made me feel better and you will always have better interactions when you’re in a positive state of emotions. In future I’ll try to go even further with this to get myself into an extremely positive frame of mind.

I still didn’t take many risks like I wanted to. I didn’t have a goal for the night either. Having a goal would probably make me more focused and I could reverse engineer my interactions so they are always moving towards my goal.

Most of my interactions were pretty similar last night. I would approach a group of two or three girls talk to them for about five minutes or so then move on. One of my better interactions was a group of four girls I approached with my wingman. I could sense they would be pretty friendly before I approached them and they were. I spoke to all of the girls in the group. One of them responded to me particularly well. She suggested we do shots together then after we went over to the dancefloor and danced for a while. She wasn’t the most attractive girl so I didn’t try to escalate or anything. After a while I just took her back to her friends.

In hindsight, I probably should have stayed at that first bar I went to. There were lots of attractive girls there and I’d built up some momentum there. But my wingman wanted to try somewhere else. We decided to look out on the street for some girls to talk to.

I stopped two girls who were walking towards us and asked them where they were going. We had an awesome conversation with them. My wingman and I were just making stupid jokes and talking **** and these girls rolled with it. It was definitely one of the funnest interactions I’ve had on a night out in a while. Both girls were great, they actually had a good sense of humour (surprisingly rare to find on nights out), they were friendly and also very attractive. One of them had a boyfriend but the other was single. We added them both on facebook. Wish there were more girls like that in town at night.

Will add more to this post later on after I’ve had more time to think.

 

[bender22]

Reflecting on my progress

This post is mostly just reflecting on a few things, if anyone is interested.

I’ve just been through my entire journal, reviewing my progress. A few observations..

I felt like I’d hit a plateau because I hadn’t had any really memorable nights out for a while. But looking over my journal again, I’ve actually built up a lot more consistency in the past month or so. I’ve definitely been taking action far more consistently at night. I’ve been going out one or two nights every weekend over the past 1-2 months and approaching far more consistently on those nights compared to 3-4 months ago. Although it’s felt like I’m not making a lot of apparent progress, I realise that I’m still learning and moving closer towards my goals as I explain below.

In his book Mastery - The Keys to Success and Long Term Fulfillment, George Leonard discusses how in mastering any skill, there will be long periods you go through with no apparent progress at all. It’s during these long plateaus when most people who have become conditioned to expect immediate gratification in our quick fix society get frustrated and give up. Leonard says that to master any skill, you must be willing to accept the plateaus and the setbacks but continue practicing diligently even when you feel like you’re not making any progression. You need to trust that the plateau will eventually be followed by a spurt of progression.

Leonard explains that to master any skill, we have to reprogram our ‘habitual behaviour system’ through practice and repetition. When we go through those plateaus, it feels like we’re not making any progress but as long as you’re practicing your skill, your brain is programming the skill into your habitual behaviour system so you will eventually be able to perform the skill competently and consistently.

I think understanding this makes it easier to keep pushing through it, even when I feel like I’m not making much progress. It also gives me more incentive to take more action so I can reprogram my habitual behaviour system faster.


Going through my journal again made me realise that until the past month or two, I was very inconsistent with my approaching at night. I mentioned around April/May that I was really struggling with night time, both approaching and holding my interactions. I did have a few really good nights earlier in the year but it was very inconsistent because I wasn’t approaching enough or going out enough. Because I was so inconsistent with my approaches, I never developed the fundamentals. It was also hard to internalise the lessons because I just wasn’t gaining enough reference experiences to reinforce those lessons. Most of the time I was just relying on luck rather than skills and knowledge from experience.

The best analogy I can think of to describe myself earlier in the year is like a golfer who plays just 1 or 2 times a month for fun. The golfer might hit some good shots here and there and his game will probably improve slowly but those good shots will probably be very inconsistent until he plays more regularly and develops the fundamentals of the game.

In the past month, I feel like I’ve started to build a stronger foundation which will help me become more consistent. A big part of this has been trying to approach as much as I can at the beginning of the night to build momentum for the rest of the night.

Also I’ve mostly been focusing on meeting girls at night recently. My daytime interactions have dropped right off this month. This time of year isn’t really ideal for meeting girls during the day, because it’s cold and wet. Also the past three weeks were uni holidays. Last week I had one pretty solid interaction with a girl at uni who was there for winter school. We spoke for about 15 minutes but she had a boyfriend. Yesterday I did a few approaches during the day but they didn’t go far. My motivation to meet girls during the day is pretty low right now. But my motivation to meet girls at night is a high as it’s ever been.

 

[bender22]

Had a good night out last night, really enjoyed it. Met up with Matt from past journals and another guy. When we went into the first bar, we saw a cute blonde Swedish girl. Matt stopped her and introduced her to me. We spoke to her for a few minutes, then she went off to the bathroom. Matt said he thought she was interested in me and I should try to at least get her number.

When she returned I spoke to her again and invited her to get a drink with me. Without Matt’s help I was a little stifled and struggling to hold the interaction but I did just enough to keep her there talking to me. She said she had to get back to her friends so I asked for her number and got it. She didn’t have a lot of personality but wow she was good looking so I was pretty happy. Good way to start the night.

Matt’s go to opener for the night was ‘have you met Bender?’ We were standing outside talking when we saw two girls walking past..Matt calls out ‘have you met my beautiful friend bender?’ The girls stopped and responded surprisingly well like they really wanted to meet me. We had a pretty strong interaction with them. Often Matt dominates these interactions, while I sit back in spectator mode but this time I was definitely contributing to the interaction. Matt got one of their numbers and I got the other girl’s number.

We had several other interactions similar to that but Matt was doing most of the talking. A few times I was falling into the trap of trying to replicate Matt’s style, which as I’ve discussed before probably isn’t a good idea.

Later on we were walking across to the other side of town when we said two girls walking ahead of us. Matt approached them, I think he used the same have you met bender opener again. One of the girls responded really well and seemed keen to talk to us but her friend wasn’t so interested. Fortunately, we were able to hold them up long enough until some more of their friends caught up with them.

As we kept walking I got chatting with one of the friends. There were about 6 girls in their group and I spoke to several of them but decided it would be best to focus on the one who showed the most interest in me. This was probably my strongest interaction of the night. I was in a good, positive frame of mind and because Matt was further behind us, I wasn’t getting drawn into his style, I was running the interaction my own way, on my own terms. I was able to get us ahead of the rest of the group so she wouldn’t get distracted by the rest of the group. The girls were going to a loud dance club where Matt and I didn’t want to go so before they went in I grabbed her number.

On our way to another bar, I approached a girl who was sitting by herself on a bench. She was friendly, she had a kinda quirky personality which doesn’t really appeal to me. I was feeling pretty confident after the good interactions I’d already had so I was able to hold the interaction well. I got her to agree to come to the bar just up the road with me. This was good because if a girl is compliant enough to agree to come with you to another bar after just five minutes it usually means you’re doing something right.

When we got inside I kinda screwed it up by bringing up a certain topic she didn’t respond very well to. There’s a few things I could’ve tried to save the interaction but I didn’t really care so I let her go on her way.

There were a lot of other girls I spoke to during the night but those were the best/most interesting interactions.

A lot of positives to take out of the night:
-Spoke to a lot of girls during the night...probably at least 15-20(although many of them were girls Matt approached first)
-Had a lot of fun. I was in a good mood all night and I think I conveyed this in my interactions which helped. Also built up momentum well.
-Feeling far more comfortable asking for numbers now. Earlier in the year this was a big problem for me. When I do ask for numbers I almost always get them.
-Definitely becoming a lot more consistent at night.
-Had some good results which will give me more motivation. While I think it’s more important to focus on the process rather than the results, when you do get good results it definitely helps you stay motivated..just like any other skill you’re trying to learn.

Few things to keep in mind:
-Don’t want to become too reliant on Matt or anyone else. Always need to take initiative myself.
-Stay grounded and composed, need to stick with my own style rather than being drawn into other people’s style.
-Remember to take advantage of all opportunities to talk to people - girls or guys. There were a few occasions when we ran into some of Matt’s friends and I didn’t make much effort to talk to them and get to know them.

 

[bender22]

Only had a couple of quick nights out this weekend. Went out Friday night but it was pretty quiet. First place we went to, my wingman and I spoke to a few groups of people but not a lot was happening.

We tried another place where we spotted a group of three girls at a table. We approached them and asked to sit with them. They were all friendly enough. I did a good job of holding the conversation here. We spoke to them for 5-10 minutes then left.

The rest of the night was pretty slow. We talked to a few more girls but ended up leaving early. I was disappointed that both of us didn’t really take much action during the night. It wasn’t very busy in town but we still could’ve had a good night if we’d been more opportunistic.

Last night I caught up with Matt again. I was on my way to meet him when I found myself walking alongside a group of 7-10 girls. One of them actually started talking to me. For a few minutes I walked with them and talked to her and some of the others in the group. I had to go the other way to meet up with Matt, in hindsight I should’ve just kept Matt waiting for a few more minutes and walked with them lol. I had already been accepted by at least half of the group, they were keen to talk to me, some of them were pretty cute...I’m sure I could’ve at least got a number if I’d kept walking with them a little longer.

I only had about an hour or so to work with Matt before I had to go to meet up with someone else. We spoke to a few groups of girls but Matt was doing most of the talking. We had one really good interaction where we approached two girls. Usually when we do these approaches together, Matt speaks to them first. But this time I spoke to them first. I think this worked better for me because I often find it hard to work my way in to the interaction when Matt speaks to them first. I should do this more often in future instead of relying on Matt to open them most of the time,

One of the girls had a boyfriend but the other was single and seemed really cool. At first the single girl was definitely showing a lot more signs of interest towards me. I’m sure Matt would’ve noticed this but he grabbed her away from me and took over the interaction then asked for her number. I was pretty annoyed that he did this after she had clearly been showing more interest for me. We kept talking to her for about 15 minutes and even after Matt had got her number, there still seemed to be more chemistry between me and her. It would’ve been weird if I’d asked for her number after Matt had so I asked for her facebook. Interestingly, I noticed this morning that she’d accepted my friend request but didn’t appear to have accepted Matt’s.

What I did well in this interaction was staying grounded and not get caught up in Matt’s style. I still think I need to figure out what exactly my own style is and find what works best for me. In future I’ll need to learn how to hold my own ground when I have competition from other guys like Matt.

I think I need to have another solo night out again soon. When I go out with other guys I often seem to be relying on them too much and sort of waiting for their permission to approach. If I’m about by myself it forces me to take all the initiative and I’m the only one who can give myself permission to approach.

 

[bender22]

First report in a while. I was away on holiday for almost two weeks so I didn’t have much of a chance to work on this stuff then. During my few weeks away from the bars and clubs I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can create the social and dating life I want.

Quick report from last night. I hadn't been out the previous two weekends so I was a little rusty. I went out alone for the first few hours then met up with some of the other guys a bit later. I knew while I was out alone I had to approach as soon as I could or I’d get stuck in a rut and waste the night. Within the first five minutes I got talking to another guy which helped to loosen me up and get into social mode.

My first approach was with a group of two girls. They weren’t very talkative at first but they weren’t rude or anything. Being my first approach of the night and first approach in a few weeks, I think I was a little nervous and I think I was conveying this with my tone of voice. I need to be a little more composed and grounded. One of the girls asked who I was with and I said I was meeting some friends later. She asked if they were single. So obviously they were both interested in meeting some guys. Knowing this, maybe I should’ve tried to push things further.

After I’d been talking to them for about 5 minutes I said goodbye and ejected. I walked to another part of the club to get a water then turned around and saw them walking behind me. I asked them if they were following me then invited them to come over and get a water with me. I could see them thinking about it but they said they were gonna go somewhere else. I know if I’d been more assertive in asking them to come with me they would have. Lesson for next time - when you want a girl(s) to come somewhere with you, be the leader, take charge so they feel comfortable coming with you.

Later I was standing around when I saw a girl sitting nearby and we made eye contact, I reacted quickly enough and went over and sat next to her. She was a little cold at first and wouldn’t say much. From what I’ve heard, this is a pretty normal reaction that a lot of guys who are really good at this get when they first approach a girl at night. What separates the good guys from the rest is that the good guys don’t get deterred by this reaction and are able to make the girl open up. I did this pretty well.

For a while I was going really well. We were vibing, I had her laughing a lot, her friends weren’t trying to drag her away. But the conversation started to dull down and I was losing her attention. I’m going to put more thought into what I could’ve done differently in these situations when I screw up so when faced with the same situations in future I will be better prepared.

What could I have done differently this time? I could’ve asked her to introduce me to her friends. This could potentially backfire if the friends didn’t like me but if they did like me I would have been a good position. I could have had a bit of fun too, like asking her to introduce me to her friends and tell them I’m her cousin or that we’ve known each other for years. This would create and ‘us vs them...our little secret’ vibe which girls usually like. Or I could’ve asked her to come over and get a drink with me. This would have been best during the high point of the interaction while our conversation was going really well. Otherwise I could’ve gone for the quick number and got out of there then text her later on. I was thinking about asking for her number but I think I’d left it too late, I needed to ask at the right time while she was having fun with me.

I went back to my car to chill out for a while. This is what I did the last time I went out alone and it worked well so I thought I’d try it again. Didn’t work as well this time. When I got back to the club I briefly talked to a few girls in the line but when I got inside I couldn’t approach anyone. I probably needed to do more approaches the first time so I would have more momentum to carry on with when I went back.

Later I met up with the other guys. They were just sitting around talking for a while and during this time, my energy really crashed. I talked to a few girls on the street with one of the other guys but I wasn’t switched on at all.

What I did well:
Approached while I was out alone...in the past I couldn’t do this at all
Overcame initial resistance in the girls I approached

What I need to do better:
Approach more girls - still the number one thing holding me back is not approaching enough
Move my interactions towards my objective (whether that be getting her number, makeout…). Too often I’ll just stay there talking and hoping something will magically happen.

 

[bender22]

Oh So Close

Friday night

Tried going out meeting girls while under the influence of alcohol on Friday night for the first time in a very long time. Most nights I go out I’m completely sober so it was an interesting experiment to see what kind of difference alcohol made. I didn’t drink enough to get really drunk but enough to make myself feel good and gain some extra confidence.

I did a couple of short and sweet warm up approaches in the first 15 minutes. Although I’d already had a few drinks, I was feeling a little uneasy and struggling to find things to say. But that is the purpose of these warm up approaches... to build up your comfort, reduce feelings of anxiety and click your mind into the right gear so later you can hold conversations.

My buddy Shane approached two girls, one of whom I had spoken to last Saturday night. She remembered me and we spoke for a while but I was still struggling to hold an interesting conversation.

I ran into a guy I went to school (I’ll call him Craig) who was telling me that he had hooked up with all these girls. I didn’t believe him so I said ‘okay man, show me how it’s done..let’s go talk to some girls.’ He hesitantly agreed to. We saw a group of four girls at a table and approached them together. Craig didn’t sound too confident when we were talking to them. He asked them a few questions but I was definitely the one leading the interaction and receiving the most attention from the girls. Eventually Craig got up and walked away.

After Craig left and also two of the girls left to get a drink, it was just me and the two remaining girls. But the interaction began to lose steam because I was just asking boring questions and the girls were quickly losing interest. In future I need to be able to quickly respond and switch things up when I sense girls are losing interest.

My best interaction of the night was when I saw a cute girl on a pub crawl standing around by herself. What made this interaction great is the conversation was fun for both of us. One trap I’ve been falling into a lot recently is I just end up asking girls boring, logical questions. Which can work at times and seems to work alright during the day but often the girls will get bored and lose interest.

During this conversation, I avoided those boring questions, it was illogical and fun. I was feeling really confident and I was in a very positive frame of mind which I’d partly attribute to the alcohol. The other thing was I was really enjoying expressing myself...the way I was talking just felt good. The girl could probably sense that I felt good which made her feel good. I ended up getting her number. I possibly could’ve invited her to get a drink with me or come to dance with me but going for the number seemed like the easy option. Although the verbal part of this interaction was very solid, the physical aspect just wasn’t there. I HAVE TO be more physical in my interactions. I always wait for permission to get physical (which usually means the girl initiating it first...which won’t happen often) but that’s a huge mistake. One thing I need to learn is to get a better sense of how receptive girls will be if I get physical.

I had another interaction that started strong. My verbals were solid again and my confidence was high. We were getting close to each other and she was even starting to touch me. Shane was behind me telling me to kiss her but I was being a *****. Then she said something like ‘you did well but you didn’t answer all the questions right’ (whatever that means?) and walked away.

There were several other interactions I had during the night but nothing too exciting. It was interesting to see how much difference alcohol made to my night. I feel like I would get a lot better results, faster if I were to drink regularly when I go out. But I don’t think it’s sustainable to go down that path. To really master this area of my life I can’t become reliant on an external substance like alcohol. What I’ve found is that it’s quite possible to get the same confidence and good emotions that you get from alcohol when you’re sober by taking correct action, staying positive and doing things that amuse yourself.

Saturday night - best night in a long time

Saturday night it was back to being sober. I went out with Shane again and gave him $100. I said give me $10 back for each approach I do so I would have to do 10 approaches to get my money back. The biggest thing holding me back is my failure to approach enough. Sure, I’m approaching a lot more girls than I did in the past but it’s still not enough to make the improvement I want. There’s been so many nights when I’ve wasted the night because I was too scared to do more than two or three approaches. This $100 challenge gives me the incentive I need to do more approaches. I’d recommend it to other guys who have a fear of approaching girls.

I did my 10 approaches and got the $100 back. Won’t go through each approach, just some general observations.

I started approaching from early on. Not sure if it was the $100 challenge or something else but I was really switched on during the night. Virtually every girl I spoke to responded well to me. The conversations I was having were fun, I avoided the typical, boring conversations all night. I was just talking about silly random things and the girls liked it. Again there were several times when I needed to push things forward, take some more risks, get physical. Even if the verbal part of an interaction is extremely solid, you will probably end up being friendzoned if you don’t take the initiative and escalate the interaction.

In my pursuit to get my approach tally up and get my $100 back I approached a group of two girls. One of the girls immediately responded extremely well to me. She was probably the most attractive girl I had approached during the night. Once I could see she was clearly interested in me, it really pumped me up and I had no problem holding the conversation, maintaining a strong frame and I think my body language was strong too.

As we kept talking, she kept getting closer to me and initiated some physical contact herself. This made it easy for me to get physical with her, although I was still a little bit too tentative. We got even closer and I kissed her. We were so close it would’ve been weird if I didn’t kiss her. We were making out and I could sense was really into it because of the way she was kissing me.

We got a drink then went back to the dancefloor and kept making out. It was a really intense make out. She looked at me and asked if I had my own place. I said my friend had his own place and she said that would work. It was still pretty early in the night, probably too early to go straight home. She said she’d have to go back to her friends first but we’d meet up later so we exchanged numbers.

After we split up, I went back to Shane, stunned that in 15-20 minutes I had:
a. made out with this super attractive girl
b. got her chasing me
c. got her to suggest we go home together

I was on cloud 9.

I’ve noticed this before, that if you’re in a bar or club and make out with one girl you suddenly seem to get more attention from other girls. I’m not exactly sure why that is...maybe other girls see you and then assume you must be a high value guy, maybe it’s because it puts you in a great state which is projected onto other girls and that attracts them or maybe it’s just a coincidence.

So as I’m talking to Shane, I see a cute, tall girl nearby and we hold eye contact for several seconds before I put my hand out and call her over. She complies and comes over to talk to me. We were talking for a while and she seemed interested but I had other things on my mind and wasn’t really switched on.

The girl from before was texting me and we agreed on a time and place to meet at. I got there at the agreed time but she wasn’t there yet. There were so many attractive girls around the area I was waiting who I wanted to talk to but I didn’t want to risk anything. 10 minutes later and she still wasn’t there so I messaged her. No response. I tried calling later. No answer….

I finally got a message from her about an hour later saying her phone had died and she’d already gone home. Gahhhhhhhh. I’m guessing her friends probably didn’t want her to go home with a guy she’d just met and persuaded her to stay with them. In hindsight, instead of agreeing to meet at a certain place I should’ve just asked where she was and gone straight there. Then I could’ve dealt with the friends myself.

Even though things didn’t turn out like I wanted, I’m still really happy with the night. It’s been far too long since I’ve had a night out as exciting as that. No doubt, the $100 challenge helped me. If I hadn’t been doing that, I may not have even approached that girl. Plus I’ve still got her number so I could try to organise something for another time.

I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself but I feel like I’ve turned a corner. I just need to consolidate it and build up more consistency. Hopefully more exciting times lay ahead.

Also interesting to note that I had a better night in terms of results when I was completely sober.

 

[bender22]

Inner beliefs holding me back

Kinda strange night out last night, I found it very difficult to get into the right frame of mind and I’m not too sure what went wrong. It probably wasn’t too bad, but in contrast to last week it seemed ****.

My first interaction of the night was probably one of the best of the night. I spoke to a girl who was having a birthday. It turned out we had both played at the same tennis club when we were younger and had been coached by the same coach. So we had quite a bit in common and that helped to create some chemistry. It was one of the few interactions where there was clearly some attraction but with all her friends around for her birthday she kept getting distracted. I knew one of her friends so I could’ve asked him if she had a boyfriend then asked for her number if she was single. Not sure what more I could have done, tough situation.

A lot of my approaches were fizzling out very quickly. I don’t think I was properly committing to the approaches, I was just hoping not to get rejected instead of playing to win. Much different to last week, when almost every girl I spoke to responded really well.

I’ve definitely got a problem with being physical with girls. I think it’s a symptom of deeper issues that I’ll need to resolve. Part of me is afraid of making the girl uncomfortable, part of me is afraid of being rejected and I think there’s more at play here too. Last night there were two opportunities where I knew I should’ve been more physical.

One was when I approached a girl near the dance floor, where it was very loud. She responded well to me and I had her laughing a lot. Because the music was so loud, I had a perfect excuse to get up close to her and at least touch her arm or shoulder. I knew I should have done this but I was afraid. Pathetic and frustrating.

Later I was walking through the street when I saw a girl who I had met in town previously. She recognised me instantly. We talked and she was getting close to me, there were clear signs of attraction. I definitely could have physically escalated but once again I was too afraid. I did briefly touch her on her arm and hugged her but I could have got away with a lot more. I did, however, still end up getting her number.

Shane and I were walking around later and spoke to two girls on the street. One of them was kinda bitchy and skeptical about why we were talking to her. Instead of trying to defend our motives we just had fun with it. Everything she said, we responded with something that would amuse ourselves. We didn’t win her over but we still had a lot of fun in the interaction. Afterwards I felt a lot better even though the girl hadn’t responded very well. This is something I should keep in mind for future interactions….take everything the girl says and respond to it in a way that will amuse myself, even if the girl may not like it (but without going over the top and being an *******). One way of doing this might be as simple as just exaggerating everything she says.

This night made me realise that while I am improving, there are still some underlying problems that are holding me back. My permission seeking mentality for example, which holds me back from being physical with girls and probably is part of the reason I don’t approach enough girls too. There’s also a part of me that just doesn’t believe I’m good enough. Especially with better looking girls. Sometimes when I’m with a really attractive girl and it’s going well, I get worried that as I spend more time with her she’ll realise I’m not that good or not as good as other guys.

There’s no doubt my self esteem has increased a lot over the past few years. But these doubts still creep into my mind. I have a lot of negative inner beliefs. Many of them I’m only just identifying.

Does anyone have any advice on resolving inner problems like this? Are there any books I could read? Or other resources? Is it worth seeking professional help? I don’t think these are huge problems for me. I’m sure most people suffer from similar problems to some degree but it’s definitely holding me back. Not only in my social and dating life but in other areas of my life I suspect. So I think it’s something I need to address.