Self-Haters Club

[cumulus.james]

Kind of fed up with no one understanding that some people literally hate themselves. Everything about themselves, they are self-phobic, auto-phobic.

My hatred of myself is as concrete as my homosexuality.

I want a place I can talk about that without people being patronisingly positive. I realise they mean well, but it gets on my nerves. I just don't like myself and I never will. To be able to indulge in my own self pity and deprecation is the only thing to keep me alive.

So any other confirmed self-haters out there, lets at least support each other in our misery. Keep the grim reaper at bay another day.

Do you hate yourself? If so, why?

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'm curious why it keeps you alive? You seem to think it's a good thing and this puzzles me. For me, it does nothing but makes me miserable and even makes me intentionally screw my life up at times because I don't think I deserve good opportunities or things.

 

[cumulus.james]

Because the hobby of self loathing is enough to make an empty and worthless life something rather than nothing. Without obsessive compulsive thoughts about self hatred, there would be nothing to do and nothing to even think about. I have academic leanings. Musings in my head about the fact I hate myself and reasons why I do keep me entertained enough to stop from getting the trusty razors at my wrists.

I was looking at the scars from my first half assed suicide attempt when I was 14/15. After 20 years it is too late to change those neural connections. The brain retains plasticity, but not that much.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Oh okay. It doesn't lead to trying to kill yourself?

 

[cumulus.james]

Well since I am talking to you I guess not lol

 

[user 115627]

I used to indulge in self-hate in the past but I never ever hurt myself in anyway. And today I rather keep myself distracted with music, games, movies, drawing and my (future) job. Apart from that people still find positive and interesting things about me...
So I can't be all bad. Maybe 85% bad? Just kidding around here...

To give some insight, there was actually some pretty wicked logic to hating yourself and still living day after day...by keeping yourself alive, you force yourself to experience the omnipresent pain of life itself and this is the worst you can put yourself through. Highly masochistic...and awfully edgy.

 

[lifestream]

As much as I loathe platitudes and try my best to live in the real world, I'm not sure a Self-Haters Club is the answer either.

Are you really that numb to life and your own self-worth that you think coming up with new avenues of self-hatred is the only thing that makes life bearable?

 

[cumulus.james]

As much as I loathe platitudes and try my best to live in the real world, I'm not sure a Self-Haters Club is the answer either.

Are you really that numb to life and your own self-worth that you think coming up with new avenues of self-hatred is the only thing that makes life bearable?

yes

 

[SophiaGrace]

Frankly I'm trying to wrap my mind around this.

 

[lifestream]

Then I won't condescend to comfort you.

I believe we truly lose hope only when we surrender it. It makes me very sad to think that you've reached that point. :/

 

[cumulus.james]

I HATE myself. It's not distortions or depression or anything. I absolutely HATE myself.

I had to make a rare venture outside my house to meet with someone the other day, and she has gone "what do you think your positive sides are" or some s***.

None.

Nothing.

I DO hate myself.

 

[lifestream]

The issue isn't that you hate yourself. That's implicitly understood.

The issue is why.

 

[cumulus.james]

The issue isn't that you hate yourself. That's implicitly understood.

The issue is why.

Well surely I am not the only one?

 

[SophiaGrace]

I hate myself too but I don't feel like listing all the reasons.

 

[Erevetot]

I'm with both sides on this. On one hand, I agree with SophiaGrace, self hating is what ruins my life, to the point that everytime i got something good going on for me, i ruin it by thinking i dont deserve it, and i end up destroying it and losing it.

then again, i can completely relate to the other side too. Like the Nine Inch Nails song, Hurt, says "I hurt myself today to see if I still feel,I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real". Personaly, there are days when it's literaly the only thing i feel, hate for me and misery. And yes, many times it leads me to wish to kill myself and end it. sometimes i actually try and (obviously) fail, sometimes as im about to, i'll find hope in something and dont do it


see, i try to believe it when people tell me that im not useless, that i didnt **** up, that stuff arent my fault. but i cant. its easier to accept the fact that im broken, ****** up, than try to make myself see that im not, especially when i believe i am

 

[cumulus.james]

Oh god thanks Erevetot

At least someone out tehr is like me!

Love that NIN song. It was what led me to try cutting.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Personally for me I don't think self-hate really gives me purpose. It is the antithesis of purpose for me. It is the boring bit of myself that has taken over and sucks me dry so I can't be interesting to be around. It robs me of being multifaceted. Instead, I am just depressed and self-loathing. I constantly wonder if I am nothing but my depression.

It doesn't give me a sense of A) being resilient, or B) Many emotions, or C) ability to enjoy life.

Being negative is a negative for me.

If a homeless person is happy, and feels life has meaning then they have everything. If a rich person is unhappy, and has no meaning in life, then they have nothing.

Thats' truely how I feel.

 

[lifestream]

Not at all.

I understand emotionally and intellectually what self-hatred is, having experienced it firsthand.

What I don't understand is why you hate yourself, cumulus.james. What are the prime factors driving it? What feeds it?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Great, now I'm wondering if self-hatred could give my life meaning. It sounds so paradoxical but here I am thinking about it.

 

[user 115627]

Great, now I'm wondering if self-hatred could give my life meaning. It sounds so paradoxical but here I am thinking about it.

Don't go there. Seriously. Don't. I've been there and it's not pretty...and a huge part of that still lingers inside of me. Cold and ugly. Cause on top of the self-hate I valued the negative opinions of a few particular persons too highly.

Looking at you and the things you do for people around here...you simply don't deserve to go there.