Self Improvement

[lifestream]

- I have massive issues around trust. Growing up I was let down in the worst possible ways by the people around me and I've come to expect being thrown under the bus again at any given time by any given person in my life.

This one has actually served me well. I've learned to be more discerning with people and to gauge their level of trustworthiness. The problem, I find, is that so few people are truly trustworthy.

- I'm extremely pragmatic, I tend to approach even the most emotionally volatile things from a place of cold logic.

I think this one has positives and negatives. I'm able to keep a cool head when things get tough but I'm also detached from my feelings. The jury is still out as to whether I really want to change this. Like the previous point, it has served me well in a lot of areas in life.

- I invest too much of my time and energy in others, and end up feeling hurt when I (inevitably) don't get the same in return.

This has been a very tough habit to break. Tending to want to do everything to help loved ones leaves you open to being exploited by them and to being left embittered when reciprocation is not forthcoming. It's been slow, agonisingly so at times, but I'm learning to keep my distance and to suppress to instinct to want to help. Sad, I know.

- I suppress a lot of anger and discontent. Sometimes I feel I like I have a thunderhead trapped inside me.

I try to keep this under lock and key whenever possible. I've never really found a healthy, effective outlet for my anger. It's a bottomless well and I've made my peace with that. Maybe that will begin to change as I get older, I don't know.

- I often feel I have to equivocate with the people in my life, even when they ask for honesty I hold back.

This is a reaction to the culture I grew up in, I think. In Ireland, people have a habit of saying whatever comes into their head to each other, no matter how ugly or cruel it is, then there's a massive argument and drama over a thoughtless comment and it's all somehow socially acceptable because they were 'just being honest'. I've made a conscious decision not to have that same carelessness in my dealings with people.

-

I guess I can live with most of my flaws. I'm not sure if that's damning or liberating somehow.


P.S. ladyforsaken, while you may think of yourself as an 'oddball', I think you're a lovely, charming soul who goes out of her way to be kind and caring to people she doesn't even know. Don't ever change.

 

[ladyforsaken]

- I often feel I have to equivocate with the people in my life, even when they ask for honesty I hold back.

This is a reaction to the culture I grew up in, I think. In Ireland, people have a habit of saying whatever comes into their head to each other, no matter how ugly or cruel it is, then there's a massive argument and drama over a thoughtless comment and it's all somehow socially acceptable because they were 'just being honest'. I've made a conscious decision not to have that same carelessness in my dealings with people.

I believe when you hold back being brutally honest in such cases, it's understandable. It's rough if you have to meet people with an argument all the damn time.

P.S. ladyforsaken, while you may think of yourself as an 'oddball', I think you're a lovely, charming soul who goes out of her way to be kind and caring to people she doesn't even know. Don't ever change.

Hey, thanks. I am who I am, right? That's kind of you to say though, I appreciate it.

 

[user 115627]

I put myself down at any given opportunity to keep me from becoming over-confident while everyone tells me I'm too level-headed to become arrogant and that I sell myself short all the time.

I've eased up on the aggressive self-beatdowns, but I still struggle with appreciating my own skills and abilities - social and professional. Becoming overconfident is really one of my main fears. I saw one too many people "full of themselves" in my life and I promised myself that I always stay in balance about myself, so that's all I can really do. Keep it balanced.

I got an aversion to people valuing me or caring about me which makes me push them away.

I don't know. I had to get more careful with the years. Especially those that told me repeatedly how much they care or appreciate me showed a whole different side sooner or later. I can usually tell if someone values me by their actions and I don't need the constant verbal reinforcement. I try to be more tolerant though. I think I got enough reason to see if someone means what they say.

I make myself more ugly and repulsive than I actually am to keep people at a distance who'd only judge me positively for superficial reasons.

I guess it's not really a bad thing when people like what they see, but some only like what they see but not what's beyond that. I've always had a grim side to myself and people ought to know what they're in for.

I emotionally suppress myself because I only trust that I make the right decisions when I'm absolutely rational.

I've been misguided once too often by feelings and the belief in some "goodness" which has turned me into a rather sceptic and calculating person in interaction with others. Even if it's not too enjoyable to see right through some people, it has kept me from getting burned and disappointed. I wouldn't want to live a lie. So that's on hold.

I cannot forgive and I easily dismiss people ultimately, sometimes for rather mundane reasons.

Hmm, I'm not afraid of being dismissed myself. I know I can be "bad company" as well and I'm not hellbent on taking up a space in another's life which ought to be filled out by a more capable or compatible individual than I am...sigh, even the other party disagrees. I always look at a person as a whole and some things just contradict my own rigid views. While I can afford being selective, I guess I shouldn't judge too quickly all the time even if it's tempting.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I constantly feel like I'm ugly and sometimes I can overlook it if I try to shut the voices inside my head.

I'll have to try tell myself I look "okay" at the very least and not "ugly" whenever I see myself in the mirror or pictures. If I catch myself saying stuff like that, I will ... smack myself?

I changed my way of thinking to realize that everyone else doesn't see me as I see me. There are still times (very rarely now) that I will see my reflection and think I'm ugly, but I understand now that it's all in my head. Almost everyone else in my life doesn't see me the way I see me. It helps a lot to...not disregard my feelings about myself, but rather choose to see it from other people's perspectives instead.

---

-I have it in my head that I'm not as "pretty" as everyone else seems to think I am. I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't feel I'm pretty either.

Explained this one above.

-Sometimes, on rare occasions, I feel like I am not good enough (stemmed from past verbal abuse)

Not sure how to explain this one. I've mostly remedied this one, but I still have my moments. I just let myself have a few moments of Debbie Downer time, then I move on from it because it doesn't help.

-I can be a worrier and get paranoid about some things.

I'm a mother, I'm not sure I can do anything about this one. lol

-I have major trust issues.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt until/unless they show me they don't deserve that benefit.

-I feel as though I can't show "weakness." I don't cry in front of others and I don't show pain (physical or emotional). Like, if my knee is screwed up, I don't limp, I walk normally and suffer later in private.

This one has been around since I was a child. I don't feel crying is weakness at all, but it's been ingrained so much in my head that it's just instinct now. Not sure how to get over this one, honestly.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I constantly feel like I'm ugly and sometimes I can overlook it if I try to shut the voices inside my head.

I'll have to try tell myself I look "okay" at the very least and not "ugly" whenever I see myself in the mirror or pictures. If I catch myself saying stuff like that, I will ... smack myself?

I changed my way of thinking to realize that everyone else doesn't see me as I see me. There are still times (very rarely now) that I will see my reflection and think I'm ugly, but I understand now that it's all in my head. Almost everyone else in my life doesn't see me the way I see me. It helps a lot to...not disregard my feelings about myself, but rather choose to see it from other people's perspectives instead.

So in a way I should rely on their observations of how they see me? I get paranoid about this though. People sometimes say things for the sake of saying them and they don't mean it. Like even if I'm realistically ugly, they're inclined to say something nice about how I look just so they don't hurt my feelings. So I tend not to believe them. I do get your point though, perhaps I could rely on the people I do trust for their opinion of me.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I constantly feel like I'm ugly and sometimes I can overlook it if I try to shut the voices inside my head.

I'll have to try tell myself I look "okay" at the very least and not "ugly" whenever I see myself in the mirror or pictures. If I catch myself saying stuff like that, I will ... smack myself?

I changed my way of thinking to realize that everyone else doesn't see me as I see me. There are still times (very rarely now) that I will see my reflection and think I'm ugly, but I understand now that it's all in my head. Almost everyone else in my life doesn't see me the way I see me. It helps a lot to...not disregard my feelings about myself, but rather choose to see it from other people's perspectives instead.

So in a way I should rely on their observations of how they see me? I get paranoid about this though. People sometimes say things for the sake of saying them and they don't mean it. Like even if I'm realistically ugly, they're inclined to say something nice about how I look just so they don't hurt my feelings. So I tend not to believe them. I do get your point though, perhaps I could rely on the people I do trust for their opinion of me.

Yes, people you trust, not so much strangers on the street....although, if they ask you out or something like, I think you could rely on that opinion.
But even with strangers, your paranoia is just stemming from your own biased opinions of yourself and how you think you look. Next time someone says you look good or nice or whatever they might say and the paranoia starts creeping in, just smack the hell out of the paranoia and take the compliment as truth. What do you have to lose?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I constantly feel like I'm ugly and sometimes I can overlook it if I try to shut the voices inside my head.

I'll have to try tell myself I look "okay" at the very least and not "ugly" whenever I see myself in the mirror or pictures. If I catch myself saying stuff like that, I will ... smack myself?

I changed my way of thinking to realize that everyone else doesn't see me as I see me. There are still times (very rarely now) that I will see my reflection and think I'm ugly, but I understand now that it's all in my head. Almost everyone else in my life doesn't see me the way I see me. It helps a lot to...not disregard my feelings about myself, but rather choose to see it from other people's perspectives instead.

So in a way I should rely on their observations of how they see me? I get paranoid about this though. People sometimes say things for the sake of saying them and they don't mean it. Like even if I'm realistically ugly, they're inclined to say something nice about how I look just so they don't hurt my feelings. So I tend not to believe them. I do get your point though, perhaps I could rely on the people I do trust for their opinion of me.

Yes, people you trust, not so much strangers on the street....although, if they ask you out or something like, I think you could rely on that opinion.
But even with strangers, your paranoia is just stemming from your own biased opinions of yourself and how you think you look. Next time someone says you look good or nice or whatever they might say and the paranoia starts creeping in, just smack the hell out of the paranoia and take the compliment as truth. What do you have to lose?

Hmm, you're right - what do I have to lose, eh? Why do I have to be so cruelly critical of myself when others aren't? And these thoughts are usually in our head and harder than we deserve. You got a reasonable point there. I suppose I could try that out, shake the paranoia and try to believe other people what they think of me (the positive ones at least).

 

[Nicolelt]

I like this thread. I was reading a book about something similar to this and the motto was "change what you can, love what you can't", which is REALLY hard to do.

- When I get stressed I get overemotional about EVERYTHING, and it is often a negative emotion.
- I will never be good enough at ANYTHING in my life, and to me, that is not ok.
- I have a constant internal battle or fighting for what I want, and making others happy/proud of me.
- I don't understand my own emotions to describe them, but I was told what I was feeling as a kid, and now they are all confused in my head.
- As far as looks, I have accepted mine, but I am unhappy with my weight, and I have no motivation to lose it.

I'm sure there are tons more.

 

[Xpendable]

That isn't what I meant. It makes me angry at society and its ignorance, prejudice and oppression of difference, not the people in the thread or the thread itself. That status quo can never be challenged too much!

That's what I meant.

 

[dd11]

Some things I have learned in life , is that is OK to be Me. And, to allow myself to like what I like and enjoy what I enjoy. Even if others aren't interested in my "thing". It is better to be disliked for who you really are then loved for who you are not. But, in reality, when you stop trying to win people over , that is when it actually gets easier to do so.

I also decided to stop investing my time and emotions into people who do not invest themselves back. I don't bother with those who aren't going to bother with me. That frees you up to actually find people whom you will connect with. And, it is kind of like sales, 90% of the time, you don't sell, ie you don't really connect, but you only need to find the ones with which you do.

-It is OK to accept your feelings. But, don't let your feelings control your actions. There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling sad . Some people are more prone to that. But, you can allow yourself to feel that for a time, but then don't let that stop you from DOING. I find that action creates the feelings I want. If I wait until I Feel Like It, then I never will. But, if I DO, then I feel good.

 

[BeyondShy]

I do not give myself a fair opportunity to deal with and interact with other people. I have a high combination of a lack of self-esteem, no confidence and I am extremely self-conscious. Strike one, strike two and strike three. My screen name is not BeyondShy just because I thought it would be a catchy name.

I am not too sure what to do about this one. You need self-confidence to deal with people but how you go about getting it?

If people do not talk to me I feel that I have done something wrong. I always feel like I am the one who is to blame.

Let's just say this would be hard to overcome. This all stems from not being confident in yourself. Hypothetically let's say I am in a chat room (not ours, this would never happen in ours. NEVER) and you have been a regular member there for awhile and you think you are finally started to be accepted. That makes you feel good about yourself because you are beginning friendships. Then one day you go in there and spend four hours there and with the exception of five minutes you are treated like you were never born and you wonder what the hell you did wrong? Yeah, that would really hurt and tear all that you built up down with a flurry.

Boy I am glad that didn't happen to me.

I tend to mistrust first and accept people second.

I should try to trust more in the beginning.

I have a very, very good memory and that is something that I would also include as something that is positive about me. But having a good memory allows me to remember everything that happened to me no matter how long ago it was. Something negative that happened to me ten years ago is still fresh in my memory.

Nothing I can do about this.

Because of this good memory I hold grudges. You get on my bad side you are going to be there for a long time.

Don't hold grudges anymore.

I over think things and I can even convince myself not to approach a blind girl to talk to her because I'll think she will suddenly regain her sight and tell me to move along.

Give myself a chance because I don't do that now.

I get mad when people assume things about me. When I have my head down in your presence I am not telling you to go away and leave me alone. I am telling you I am shy and it is bugging the hell out of me and I so much want to talk to you but I hold myself back. And when I hear from others that I am stuck up, or mean, or uninterested or whatever I get really upset with the other person.

Try to lift my head up and let others in.

 

[Xpendable]

- I'm too conscious about my physical appearance, in part because a got called names while growing up. I was called ugly many times and there's little I can do to fix that.

Not sure what to do about this. Society keeps insisting that looks don't matter, but I feel that if I try to change my appearance (naturally or not) it would be perceived as shallow. It would feel disingenuous to modify myself just to be accepted and, that acceptance would lower my respect for others, since they just called me by how I look.

- I can't connect with people. 95% of the time I don't care what someone is saying. It all sound like numb, uninteresting ramblings and I can't make myself invested in what they have to say.

Nothing to do here. Can't force myself to engage or magically care about something it has no real repercussions.

- I worry too much about how to interact with others. What words to use, what tone, what body posture, etc. I feel everyone is judging me subconsciously and making rationalizations to avoid me.

I didn't care for a long time about this and people perceive me the same. It may have nothing to do with what I do.

- It takes a lot to be able to say NO sometimes. I've learned to take a stand more now and do what I feel is better for me, but I still fear to drive people off by denying my help.

Getting better at this one. I have said no recently and people just ignore me after. Wait to see who sticks around when I don't have to save them.

- I procrastinate a lot. Even right now It takes me extra effort to advance some projects. I can't simply find the motivation.

Finding a way to get paid for doing things I love is probably the answer.

- I idiealize people too much. I imagine one day meeting this incredible person that will erase my feelings of loneliness. This person may exists or not, but I always feel I deserve a little more of what it's presented to me. Funny is they probably think the same when they look at me.

I should conform with less maybe? It seems like a lose lose situation.

 

[Wayfarer]

Let me add this other stuff to my other post:

- I can be pretty self-centered and have been defined a selfish person at times
-> solution: try not to jump to conclusions and caring a bit more about what the other person might really be going through. Dismissing my problems as not really that important. (this is what I do now XD)

- I am boring most of the time.
-> solution: ?

 

[lifestream]

- I can be pretty self-centered and have been defined a selfish person at times

That's a big thing to admit to. Kudos.

 

[ardour]

Don't cope with conflict and stress very well

Always assume the worst about what others might be thinking of me

Spend a fair amount of time fixating on the negatives in my past

Feel ugly/gross to the point that I find it hard to look people in the eye or speak clearly

Paranoid about losing the friends I have

Become resentful over small or perceived slights

Like someone else said, I find it hard to let go of grudges

I don't stick to normal hours, which means I'm sleep-deprived and irritable for much of the day

 

[Xpendable]

- I am boring most of the time.
-> solution: ?

I think this can't be resolved with premeditated actions. When it comes to bonding with one person you'll find that it's impossible to be fun and spontaneous all the time. Like someone said, most people who complain about wanting to be entertained aren't always the funniest and interesting. If you're an introvert then there's not much you can do, you'll never be the center of fun, and that's OK. Being fun and ongoing is something you born with or train in such manner that it becomes an unconscious action. It's like playing a musical instrument. There's people that come with a natural talent, others practice for years to be as good, but at the end both play without thinking in the notes or how their fingers move; it's like breathing. So I say you don't worry about it too much. Boring can be relative, I find many social gatherings boring, including parties and such. People who feel they have to be loud and funny all the time very rarely are naturally funny. Most of the time they try to compensate something else, or too afraid to be marked as boring by others.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I don't like to think about the future. This apparently bothers a lot of people.

It's not that I don't think I have one. I just do better with the day to day.

 

[Paraiyar]

1. I let the fact that between the ages of 20-24 I did not even kiss a girl (kissed a few between 17-19 and have kissed one this year) let alone have sexual intimacy with one upset me more than I should since I can't go back in time and change this. I feel like I missed out on something that is important in your early 20s.

How to resolve this: I have to remember that a lot of this was due to the fact I chose to stay at home and study at university which means I didn't meet people. At least I got a degree out of it. I also didn't get anyone pregnant which is a responsibility I would hate to have now. Lastly, I've discovered that there are women out there that I consider attractive who I can have a lot of things in common with. This has taken away a lot of the nervousness I had about talking to them.

2. I let the fact I'm losing my hair early upset me a lot more than I should. This also makes me feel a lot older than I am which is just absurd.

The solution: I think I look better than most white guys do with a shaved head. Might start shaving it to a number 1 instead of a 2 soon.

3. I let a lack of relationship success wear me down.

The solution: I do have someone that I was talking about in another thread that I am interested in but assuming that this doesn't workout then I'm going to be a lot more confident about talking to girls when I get back to NZ. I hope it does work though.

There are others but some of those I am not comfortable talking about.

 

[Destaric]

I have a speech impediment..technically a stammer and stutter. People gave me a hard time about it in high school and no girls wanted to bother with a guy with such conditions then..even now I let it hold me back from seeking possible realationships and career opportunities.

I was never given enough credit for accomplishments and skills I had in my youth so to make up for them I became conceited and way too competitive.

I let my lack of success in realationships and careers believe I was destined to fail and be forever alone (I changed that attitude though)

I am a very fussy eater and do not enjoy a large amount of foods that most people enjoy (the looks I get when I say I do not enjoy pizza)

I used to weight 130 pounds at a height of 6'3. After hard work in the gym I am now a muscular 205 pounds but still look at myself as too small sometimes despite my now big frame.

I try too hard to impress women.

I suffered from depression most of my life.

I am sure there is more...but I feel those are pretty key things that affected my life. I have got much more positive and happy by self work and therapy but its still a long journey ahead

 

[Valentine]

I often have a "can't do" attitude as opposed to a "can do" one. If I am halfway through something and happen to lose my momentum or my sense of what's going on, I tend to give up on it rather than stick it out and try to finish the task. I think it's called "perfectionism".

If I'm given too much time to do something, I will almost inevitably procrastinate on it. A lot.

I wasn't really pressured that much as a kid, with folks who were the closest thing to an ideal family as I can think of. However, this led to me not really being pushed that hard to do certain things in life -- I'm 25 years old and have never, ever been hired for a real job in my life. (I've been attending college classes for most of my time, of course, but I know I could have made time to do something about work. Especially as I wasn't always using my free time to study.)

It is very easy for me to get swept up in a spiral of bad habits: Using the computer too much, eating too much and too sporadically, not exercising enough, not studying, etc. It seems that any time I get a little bit of energy to spend, unless I'm lucky and hit on some inspiration to distract me, it goes to waste. Sometimes the mere idea of exercising self-control is just exhausting. And, of course, that spiral is self-feeding, only getting worse the longer I don't do something about it.

It usually takes either good luck, a spark of inspiration, or an intervention from someone else to get me to consistently do something constructive.

I have a passion for writing, and am very good at figuring out ideas for scenes in fiction as well as typing and organizing more practical documents. However, I rarely use it, except to help others with their own work. Just thinking about writing something of my own brings me face-to-face with a black, overwhelming wall. It's easier for me to just give up, not write it even if I want to, and focus on what others are doing. I'm used to it by now.