She doesn't love me?

[Phaedron]

My girlfriend, who I lived with for a year, and who was supposed to come back to me, decided to move on with her life. She is long distance now, but there are no plans for us to be together in the future, she says she wants to see me, but gives me excuses about not coming to visit. I'm going to see what her reaction will be if I offer to fly out and rent a hotel room.

About a month ago she said on Facebook she was done with me. I told her about it, she said she did it when she was drunk. She never bothered to correct it, and made it so I couldn't see her facebook anymore.

But I have my ways and recently discovered a month later she is still listed as single, and said she got her computer back from me and now just needs to find a way to get her stuff back and then she never has to speak with me again. Yes I was stupid enough to send the computer, but I have her personal things and they are going to burn. Pictures, journals, stuffed animals, personal things, momentos, etc. When I asked her again, she just said shes only been on to check things, and not to seriously change anything.

Her myspace still says confused, in a relationship, how do you tell someone you love them, but can't be with them, but that apparantly can't be hidden from the public?

Now we spend all day together online. We synchronize watching episodes, we play MMOs (well we used to play wow, but I had some time left of STO and got her a 5 day free past.) And have long conversations on the phone.
We always say I love you, and are affectionate with each other.

Should I take this to indicate she is really done with me?
Should I confront her about it?
Do I have a right to ask her to change her facebook to say we're still together?

I kind of don't want to just end it. I sent her the computer back so we could spend time together, so I might as well get something out of it. I'm also all alone here, with no one else really to talk to, while she has lots of friends.

Maybe knowing this is whats happening I can gradually learn to get over her? I've also been pressing to visit her, but she will probably find some way to refuse.

If there any chance she still loves me, but is just saving face with her stupid facebook friends?

I paid for the computer, its technically mine. she quit smoking for a year and got back into it. I said on the phone one good thing about our year together was that she quit smoking, or did you start again? She admitted it. Why be honest if you are deceiving someone? I just don't get it.

Maybe if I promise to send her stuff back if I can come visit for a while there will be a chance to rekindle what we had. If not, maybe I can give her a wonderful week to remember, then turn around and dump her. I don't know what to do. For our year I was the one spending all the money, paid off her credit cards, I was extremely devoted and did everything for her. So sad that she would break my heart like this? I'm not saying I was perfect, but I'm devoted and always trying to improve...

 

[beachspirit]

I feel so sorry for you catharsis. I was in a slightly different situation to your example, but the key ingredients were there.

I guess the key to it is to find out if she still really loves you and wants a future with you? If the answer is yes, then relationship management needs to be put into place where you start to plan how you can be with each other. If the answer is no, it would be wise to use this time to gradually retreat your emotions so the level of your brokenheart is reduced and diluted as much as possible.

How you find out is a tricky one. Best way would you to be fly out and have a heart to heart with her. Physcially being there rather than the net will give you a greater appreciation on the true picture of the situation.

The only other advice I would give is not to trash her stuff. It may give you some instant satisfaction but long term it will cause you some guilt. Be strong and classy and do the right thing, even though she hasn't done the right thing by you. You will feel better about yourself later on.

 

[Phaedron]

I could really use a friend right now...

She wrote that I was a whiny, clingy, jerk, that was bringing her down. Anyway to recover from that?

Also there were many times recently she was tired and wanted to crash, and actually stayed up with me. I was okay with her crashing, but yeah I still wanted to have fun. Talk about mixed signals... Maybe she is just giving me her best till she devises a reasonable plan to get her stuff back?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want it back, but there is no way I'm paying to ship it all back again. I have it in boxes.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

My gut take on it is that by keeping her open interactions with you pleasant at times (talking on the phone, gaming, MySpace etc), while at the same time, keeping something hidden which says something completely different (facebook), she feels that she needs to have you on her good side... so that she can get her stuff back.

That she called you a whiny, clingy jerk is telling. She doesn't seem to care about what you need, what you want. I'm really sorry. You deserve better than that.

Now, I wouldn't trash her stuff outright, but if I were you, I sure as hell would not pay to have it shipped. You tell her that if she wants her stuff back she has to make her own arrangements by such an such a date or it's going in the trash.

 

[leftykmonahan]

"Yes I was stupid enough to send the computer, but I have her personal things and they are going to burn. Pictures, journals, stuffed animals, personal things, momentos, etc."

Sounds like a cruel, spiteful thing to do.

"I don't think it's unreasonable to want it back, but there is no way I'm paying to ship it all back again. I have it in boxes. "

If she pays, why not? No need to be so petty.

 

[Phaedron]

That she called you a whiny, clingy jerk is telling.

Well she didn't tell me that. This is what she wrote in facebook the first time. I found it, talked to her about it, tried to resolve I would not be like that, she said she forgave me, but has never changed it.

And yeah, I'm trying not to be spiteful, but it's hard when someone you loved took advantage of you and broke your heart.

 

[Minus]

It doesn't sound real promising, but i just couldn't say.

She admitted it. Why be honest if you are deceiving someone? I just don't get it.

It is not unusual. You are seeing the same thing between what she has listed on her social networking sites and what see seems to be telling you. Deception usually isn't an all or nothing deal. Usually there are only areas of deception.

I wouldn't destroy her stuff. While it may make you feel better for a short time, you may be liable for the damage. Still you don't have to provide indefinite free storage nor pay shipping expense. As cheaptrickfan says you can give her a chance to make arrangements to get her stuff and dispose of it if she fails to do that within a reasonable amount of time.

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

i wouldn't do anything with her stuff just yet if i were you. has she actually said that she wants it back?

what i see from your post is that you are having 'long' phone conversations and being affectionate towards each other (verbally i assume) and ending the conversations with 'i love you'.

that doesn't sound to me like she is 'finished with you' in anyway.

sounds like she is confused and needs time and space.. how much is between the two of you. if you make any sudden choices like trashing her stuff.. it's like you're the one that is making the final decision that it's all over. that's up to you.

personally i wouldn't get into any 'vengence' games.. it's too tiring and hatred filled.

i would take it one moment/day at a time and see how it plays out. give only what i had to give and focus on trying to remain strong for myself.

until she categorically states that she is 'done with you' the game isn't over unless you choose to end it. when it's painful (for me) i 'retract' my heart little by little.. don't throw it ALL in there at once..

 

[Phaedron]

Oh no, I will not do anything with her stuff until it is certain that she is done with me, and even then I will probably wait because things could change. However, we are moving soon, so if I don't do something with them then its 4 extra boxes the movers will charge us for.

I've had to lie to certain people, she knows this, but we've had a good trust between each other. Her posts indicated she was coming back until about a month after she left, right before telling me she wasn't. We had a lot of arguments there, but I eventually accepted that she wanted to stay at home.

I think she fears talking to me about certain things, and also doesn't want to feel guilty. If I have any kind of issues she considers them emotional blackmail, like Im saying them just to affect her. I say them because I'm a human being and am allowed to have feelings too.

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

My gut take on it is that by keeping her open interactions with you pleasant at times (talking on the phone, gaming, MySpace etc), while at the same time, keeping something hidden which says something completely different (facebook), she feels that she needs to have you on her good side... so that she can get her stuff back.

That she called you a whiny, clingy jerk is telling. She doesn't seem to care about what you need, what you want. I'm really sorry. You deserve better than that.

Now, I wouldn't trash her stuff outright, but if I were you, I sure as hell would not pay to have it shipped. You tell her that if she wants her stuff back she has to make her own arrangements by such an such a date or it's going in the trash.

good advice here. listen to ctf, she is thuper thmart! i'm in awe.

 

[h i]

dont go for women like that. that win her over, hard to get, bullshit... theyre not worth it.

sounds like the relationship is over. you can handle it maturely, and ignore her, or try to leave something for later. maybe be friends or just take a break. or you can be a jerk, mess with her stuff, call her names, and ultimately obsess about her with negative actions, just to get any form of attention from her.

i think its good that you sent the computer back.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

One way or the other you have to let her go...even if you were go get back with her, You still have to let her go.

i bascailly go through the same thing with Chelle...but I don't react as much as I used to.

I already stated my truth and what I want. And where I stand on the matter.

I'm not going to convience her to love me. I don't want her to love me or be with me becuase she feels guilty or sorry for me.

She owes me nothing. I don't own her.
She's free to live and chose however she wants to live. She's going to do whatever she's going to do. She's going to do what's best for her.

I love her then , I love her now, and I'm always going to love her...With or without her. I just want her to be happy with or without me.

Other people made decisions in our relationship in the past....
I'm not making her decision for her...becuase I'm not everybody else. I'm me, the man the loves her. So there you go.

She asked me out when we first met. That was her decision....
If she wants me and our relationship to move forward , bad enough. She'll do whatever it takes or come and get me. She knows where I live.lol
I drove 1600 miles away from her...I can drive 1600 miles back...All she has to do is say it and I'm there...

I know she loves me...It's all good.

 

[Phaedron]

One way or the other you have to let her go...even if you were go get back with her, You still have to let her go.

You're absolutely right. I'm trying, but it isn't easy.

It's good that you reached an understanding with her that you love her and want whats best for her.

To those who have had relationships not work out or exist in a state of limbo, does the emotional turmoil ever pass?

Every night I am alone, empty, silent, in a room we shared, thinking I must have screwed things up irrevocably somehow. Oddly enough being angry at myself actually helps a bit. Still, I hate it when I'm awake at night and the sooner I get out of this house the better.

 

[VanillaCreme]

That's very cruel of her. But burning her personal property isn't the correct thing to do. It's better not to try and chase someone who doesn't want anything to do with you. You'll only make it worse for yourself in the end. Try your best to return her items, and cut all ties with her. She's burned her bridges with you, and doesn't seem to care to build them again.

And the computer isn't yours if it was a gift. Paid for it or not, if it was a gift, it's no longer yours. Legal matters may come your way with the type of mindset you have about things.

 

[Mysis]

Okay, so I have a keylogger on the computer (I paid for the computer, its technically mine)

Excuse me, but this is highly illegal. While the software itself is not illegal to possess and use, in this case your use and purpose of installing it is illegal.

First, get this straight. You bought that computer as a gift... When the computer fell into your possession and you had the opportunity to keep it, you gave it back to her. This computer does not belong to you anymore, you surrendered ownership of it to her by sending it to her. Not only did you give her ownership of it, but you gave it to her with software installed intended to invade her privacy. If you have EVER used any of the passwords your keylogger has logged to access any of her accounts, this can be a very serious offense which can carry a prison sentence if you're found guilty.

The fact that you would do this concerns me, because being someone who knows a fair amount about computers, I know that it's also quite possible that you may have installed software on that computer to remotely access her webcam, or even her hard drive or desktop without her knowledge, and that you could very well be filming.

For those of you who are unaware, keyloggers are usually sold for parents to monitor what their kids are doing online, or for corporations to monitor their employees. These keyloggers are often included in software with a wide array of other tools that allow you to spy on someone, including but not limited to remotely accessing their webcam without their knowledge, remotely accessing their computer without their knowledge, remotely viewing what their monitor is displaying in real time without their knowledge, and a variety of other features.

At this point, I'm wondering if we should be concerned about her safety, or what else you could be doing that you aren't telling us about. Your behaviour and attitude is concerning.

I am sorry for the trouble you are going through, but you are dealing with it entirely the wrong way. What you need to do now is take responsibility for this mistake, e-mail her an apology explaining what you've installed on her computer, and give her directions on how to remove it. If she EVER takes this computer in to a repair shop, they will notice that this software is installed, and if she ever mentions an ex was in possession of the computer you'll be the first suspect, and they will be able to trace the information sent from the software back to you.

I feel bad for you, I honestly do, and I can't say I haven't been in your shoes before, what happened sucks no doubt, but I'm trying to look out for her to make sure that you aren't invading her privacy any more than you've told us, and I'm looking out for you by making sure you don't end up imprisoned over a girl. Don't dig yourself into a hole and make things worse for yourself.

 

[Phaedron]

And the computer isn't yours if it was a gift.

I bought it because hers was crappy and she was always complaining to me about how slow it was. She wanted to be able to play online games without lagging all the time. I didn't really intend it as a gift, it was more like something I had to get so she would stop bitching to me about it. IMO that kind of attitude sucks the "gift" right out of something. And no I never did anything other then that.

A lot of things were like that.... I had to buy this, and that, and over the year spent about $10,000... and for what? An investment in a broken heart...

And she'd get angry if I even mentioned our financial situation. Appreciation was to be assumed, I was to buy everything, and never mention it beyond that. I did buy actual gifts too, her birthday, valentines day, etc... but I never got any in return. I mean they made her very happy for a day, but even having no money she could have at least wrote me a poem or something.

And there were times she begged me to buy her cigarettes too. I was really just kind of on the fence with this one, not ever being a smoker I didn't know if getting a smoke every great once in a while would help. I didn't budge because we both had agreed she would quit smoking. They were just times of weakness, and they passed and she was fine again. Yet looking back from now she feels angry about it. I give up...

Mysis: So like if it's in my house its technically mine then. If a friend borrows something from me, then for all legal purposes its theres and can't be proven mine? Well come what may I guess. I'll try to do the right thing, but if honeysuckle hits the fan there's always suicide.

 

[VanillaCreme]

And the computer isn't yours if it was a gift.

I bought it because hers was crappy and she was always complaining to me about how slow it was. She wanted to be able to play online games without lagging all the time. I didn't really intend it as a gift, it was more like something I had to get so she would stop bitching to me about it. IMO that kind of attitude sucks the "gift" right out of something. And no I never did anything other then that.

A lot of things were like that.... I had to buy this, and that, and over the year spent about $10,000... and for what? An investment in a broken heart...

And she'd get angry if I even mentioned our financial situation. Appreciation was to be assumed, I was to buy everything, and never mention it beyond that. I did buy actual gifts too, her birthday, valentines day, etc... but I never got any in return. I mean they made her very happy for a day, but even having no money she could have at least wrote me a poem or something.

And there were times she begged me to buy her cigarettes too. I was really just kind of on the fence with this one, not ever being a smoker I didn't know if getting a smoke every great once in a while would help. I didn't budge because we both had agreed she would quit smoking. They were just times of weakness, and they passed and she was fine again. Yet looking back from now she feels angry about it. I give up...

That's what happens in relationships. A little bit of give, a little bit of take. You didn't absolutely HAVE to buy it for her, begging or not. Don't look back now and try that whole tic for tac. It doesn't work. If you didn't want to get anything for her, you shouldn't have. Don't expect it back now because the end results weren't what you wanted.

 

[Mysis]

So it sounds like you were giving yourself to someone who didn't deserve you... Good riddance to her then...

It doesn't seem pleasant now, but look at it this way... Now you can find someone who will appreciate that sort of stuff, and who will return that sort of thoughtfulness.

I mean, it doesn't sound like she was a bang up dame from what you're saying, so don't screw yourself over her.

Unfortunately, yes, even if it didn't feel like a gift, and even if the gift wasn't appreciated, the fact is, you did give it to her when she was living with you, and then you let her take it when she moved out.

No court in North America would ever rule that the computer belonged to you, and you could therefore do as you wished with it.

Consider the timebomb you've wired yourself up to, and ask yourself if it's really worth the trouble it might cause you in the future, and all over this thankless b**ch. Doesn't matter how many years pass between now and when they eventually find that software. When they do find it, you're still going to be up sh*ts creek. Take responsibility and diffuse this situation before it gets out of hand and screws up your life big time.

 

[Badjedidude]

Just write her off as a loss, man. It's not worth ruining the rest of your life grieving or moaning about her.

I've had relationships like that also...in fact, I'm still paying off a bit of debt left over from my last LTR. *shrug* It happens, man. The only thing you can do from here is to focus on the future and try not to be bitter about the past.

That is a bit worrying that you'd install a keylogger on the computer before giving it to her. What were ya thinking, man? Don't let jealousy or fear drive you into some dangerous situations, man. If you can't trust the girl, then the relationship is effectively over anyway, so why go to those lengths?

I hope things go better for ya next time...just keep your head about ya and you'll be fine, I think.

----Steve

 

[sinisterplague]

Sounds to me like you let her walk all over you.