Sick friend

[Tiina63]

Three weeks ago I was to meet a friend J in town, but she didn't show up.  I tried phoning her several times on getting home and got no reply. So as she is diabetic and elderly I was concerned and I phoned another friend C who took me up to J's home in her car. The place was dark and quiet. C climbed through a window and J was almost dead in bed. She was taken to hospital by ambulance and was kept in 13 days and then came home.  I visited her in hospital on 11 of the 13 days as, like me, she has no family and I didn't want her to be the only one without a regular visitor.  C also visited her once.  I have been to see her twice at her home this week and C came with me the second time.  I also phoned on the other days to see how she was.  Earlier this evening I phoned her and she said that C is our 'mainstay.' I am NOT saying here that C should have done more, because she did plenty and isn't close to J anyway. But it hurts that what I have done has not been appreciated.  She doesn't value what I have done and this makes me feel like rubbish and makes me think why did I bother visiting her so much and why have I phoned on the days I didn't see her etc when none of it meant much to her?  I remember years ago I helped her out when she was unwell and a neighbour also helped her.  Afterwards she said that she was buying her neighbour a present for helping her.  I didn't want a present but she clearly wasn't grateful for my help.  It makes me feel used.  Am I overreacting?

 

[bleed_the_freak]

You did good. Often in this world, that goes unappreciated or even punished. Try not to harbor resentment toward her. She likely means no harm with her comment. Some people are geared to play favorites. It's infantile behavior. However, old folks begin to act infantile toward the end. If you want to continue to check on her and be there for her, do it out of a sense of charity and expect nothing in return. Don't emotionally invest in the situation. It will be a drain on your emotions and you will have to tend to them elsewhere. But in the end, you will have been the better person and will have done a very good thing for someone who needed it. If your relationship with J continues, it will be one-sided. Know that going forward and determine whether you can accept that or not.

 

[Serenia]

^This.

You are a good person. I know how hard it is to do nice things and other people get the recognition. You do these things because it is inside you to care. Just know that you have made a difference.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you both for your supportive replies. I am still confused and unsure about what to do next in this situation and will write more later.

 

[Kianda]

Just read this thread and wondered about this ongoing situation with your sick friend.

I'm sorry that you're in this position of having to decide how much more to do for her but it's understandable that you feel confused and unsure about your role in the friendship - if it helps I think that you're a caring person and deserve to be cherished.

It's obvious that you care for her wellbeing: were it not for you organising a search that night she might have died in her bed.

Also, you visited her almost every day in hospital for nearly two weeks but she takes you for granted and you feel unappreciated. Then she tells you that someone else is the mainstay of her friendship circle which puts you firmly in your place and lets you know that she doesn't care as much for you no matter what you do for her. 

If someone did all that for me I would make sure they know how special they are. I would want you to feel really good!

People can be so cruel.

 

[zero]

It makes me feel used.  Am I overreacting?

Diabetes affects the brain and mood. Don`t take it personal and don`t let it stop you from doing good (helping and caring). (Hug)
 
(My mother had diabetes, I can relate to what you`re saying, and I also saw it in others).

 

[AlexD]

Great job for saving your friend's life! It only shows what a thoughtful, considerate and caring person you are. Her lack of appreciation does not make you any less considerate or caring.  I work with diabetics all the time, because part of my life is being a registered nurse. If you weren't there, things would have gone deep South for your fiend J. As far as you feeling used, it is a very understandable feeling. If you feel it is too much, why not set some limits as to how often you want to call her, visit, etc? After all, if she thinks the other people are better, let them deal with her for a little while . There is no right or wrong answer here. If you feel drained and under appreciated, take a breather and stop calling for some time. She has had the condition for a long time and I am sure has been introduced multiple times to management of hypoglycemic or hyperglycemic episodes. She must know by now that her kidneys are extremely vulnerable and can put her over the edge, so ultimately it is her responsibility to call 911 when she is unable to fix the symptoms on her own. But you are a great person for doing what you did, period.

 

[AlexD]

Great job for saving your friend's life! It only shows what a thoughtful, considerate and caring person you are. Her lack of appreciation does not make you any less considerate or caring.  I work with diabetics all the time, because part of my life is being a registered nurse. If you weren't there, things would have gone deep South for your fiend J. As far as you feeling used, it is a very understandable feeling. If you feel it is too much, why not set some limits as to how often you want to call her, visit, etc? After all, if she thinks the other people are better, let them deal with her for a little while . There is no right or wrong answer here. If you feel drained and under appreciated, take a breather and stop calling for some time. She has had the condition for a long time and I am sure has been introduced multiple times to management of hypoglycemic or hyperglycemic episodes. She must know by now that her kidneys are extremely vulnerable and can put her over the edge, so ultimately it is her responsibility to call 911 when she is unable to fix the symptoms on her own. But you are a great person for doing what you did, period.

I am sorry, but I just thought of a somewhat relevant example that you may appreciate. My boyfriend had this colleague who was 10 years older than him. That colleague happened to have an abdominal surgery and my boyfriend went there, and waited outside of the operating room, and then visited in the hospital after the surgery went all right. About a year later, my boyfriend had a knee surgery, which everyone in the emergency room where he worked knew about, but guess what. His friend/colleague? Never showed up. Never called to ask "Hey, brother, are you ok, how was the procedure?" Nothing! I did;' even learn about this until two weeks later when my boyfriend finally exploded in front of me about it all. There simply are some people out there that think everyone should circle around them yet they don't need to reciprocate.

 

[Tiina63]

I ended up 3 weeks ago exploding while on the phone to J, when she started praising everyone except me and also was nasty and put me down about other things in my life. Told her she was unappreciative and I felt used. We are still friends, but I could never feel really close to her again. I haven't been phoning her often since then.
I'm still very glad I did what I did for her though and if she ever goes to hospital again, I will visit her, but not as often. The situation made me feel like someone who looks after an elderly parent 24/7 who criticises everything the carer does for him/her while praising their siblings who phone once a month.
I'm really sorry AlexD about your boyfriend's ungrateful colleague. It is disgusting that he did absolutely nothing when your boyfriend had been so good to him.
J is becoming very much like this. Someone she used to be close died recently and C offered her a lift to the funeral and back home, but she didn't go. I thought that, in light of the fact that she had had support in her time in hospital, that she could have gone along to show her respects.

 

[AlexD]

I ended up 3 weeks ago exploding while on the phone to J, when she started praising everyone except me and also was nasty and put me down about other things in my life. Told her she was unappreciative and I felt used.  We are still friends, but I could never feel really close to her again.  I haven't been phoning her often since then.  
I'm still very glad I did what I did for her though and if she ever goes to hospital again, I will visit her, but not as often.  The situation made me feel like someone who looks after an elderly parent 24/7 who criticises everything the carer does for him/her while praising their siblings who phone once a month.
I'm really sorry AlexD about your boyfriend's ungrateful colleague. It is disgusting that he did absolutely nothing when your boyfriend had been so good to him.  
J is becoming very much like this. Someone she used to be close died recently and C offered her a lift to the funeral and back home, but she didn't go.  I thought that, in light of the fact that she had had support in her time in hospital, that she could have gone along to show her respects.

No worries, it was a long time ago. But your main caregiver/siblings feeling makes complete sense. Well, it only frees some more time to yourself and possibly an opportunity to enjoy an activity you haven't had the chance to enjoy lately?