Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing

[WallflowerGirl83]

I know I've posted a lot of threads about how I view myself and about my depression. I'm still learning how to deal with it, and I'm still fighting it. Not many people know that I in fact suffer from Bi Polar Disorder and PTSD. Sometimes I feel like I'm a freak... this is the latest on what I've been noticing about myself and I really want to change myself around. Cause I'm tired of suffering. I want to be happy for once.

Lately....
I feel like all my self esteem is no longer here anymore. I'm always trying to find new way to make me feel good about myself but I always continue to get thoughts of what people used to say to me. The minute I get these thoughts I torture myself, like I don't deserve to eat or feel good... to be happy or have friends. I'll just wallow and cry, feel like I'm a nobody and how everyone must think I'm weird or hate me. The minute I meet anyone I always assume that they hate me or think I'm weird. Have this bad habit of saying "I'm sorry...." I say it all the time and it's annoying, sometimes I can't even help it. Always feel like I'm always doing something wrong, if I'm ever honest about my feeling I'll feel like I did something wrong and say "Oh I'm sorry.... I know I'm weird you don't gotta say it." Even before they get a chance to speak I just say negative things about myself and they look at me in confusion. Hate feeling like this all the time, I just want to be happy again and not think horrible things about myself. And I know not everyone is going to like me, I'm aware of that- but this goes beyond that. This is something much more deeper, I've been suffering and thinking like this for a long time and I just want to stop thinking so negatively about myself. Even when I post on here or reply to anyone's threads I really try to come up with some good advice but sometimes I don't know what to say. Wish I had something more meaningful to write but I'm afraid of expressing myself most of the time cause I think so poorly of myself. Sorry for this rant, I just wanted to get this out cause it's been bothering me for awhile. Is there anyone out there who can relate to this? I hope I'm not alone here.

 

[Alienated]

Wow... I too am bi-polar and PTSD... but people really do tell me they don't like me... I can show you threads here to prove it !! LOL....

Anytime you want to talk, I know exactly how you feel... I take things people say as lies... Mainly because any and every one I ever trusted or said they were there to help totally screwed me over and laughed at me for being stupid. Now I don't trust anyone, because no one can be trusted.

But when that controls your thoughts, it really screws yourself too. Because then you can't even trust yourself. It's frustrating as Hell !!

So YES I can relate !!

 

[Wailun]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this. but trust me when I say you're not alone.

I understand that those negative thoughts can be very intrusive and hard to overcome or ignore. And everyone just says to just ignore them or get over it, but it's always easier said than done. I know for myself, I do get that negative voice in the back of my head sometimes and they just don't go away. All i can say is to not trust that negative voice that tells you you don't deserve to be happy or you don't deserve to have friends. You're someone who deserves to be happy and surrounded by loving and caring friends! And you ARE surrounded by people who love you and want you to be happy. (even though they're located at different ends of the earth and only connected via the internet., but it still counts!) So when ever that voice pops in again, remember that voice is wrong. I remember hearing that keeping a physical reminder around the house can help. Like, keeping a sign or ornament around that reminds you you're someone special and deserve to be happy.

 

[Solivagant]

I have depression and PTSD as well, so I can relate to that.

In my case, my sense of self was lost as a result of trauma, and since then it has proven very difficult to redevelop and maintain trust in myself. Once your self-trust plummets, it becomes a lot harder to think well of yourself.

 

[ladyforsaken]

*hugs*

You are somebody to me. Sometimes I don't know what to say in certain threads myself. It's okay.

Just hope that you can see what a nice person you are. Maybe keep coming back to this thread and the other one made for you daily to remind yourself of it? It did help me back then.. when I had self-esteem issues worse than I do now. :S

 

[dead]

I think that alot of people can relate to this.
One of my closer friends has bipolar, and through most of her life her parents made sure that nothing she did was enough, or that anything was expected to come out of her. She's in therapy now, trying to work through issues very similar to what you've described.

i don't know you at all, but i know that there is 0 correlation between what you are, your worth and your feelings. you deserve happiness, you deserve friendship, and all the best in life.
Don't give up on fighting it. Better days ahead, yeah?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I can tell you are something. A good person. You come through in that way on your posts here.

 

[lonelyfairy]

You're a great person for what we have talked some time ago. *hugs* I hope you feel better soon. I have been feeling very bad at the moment too, trying to feel better. Life can be sooo frustrating sometimes but there can be those good/better days too, hang on there. :>

 

[Locke]

I can relate to everything you wrote, WallflowerGirl83. If it helps, I think you're awesome! You seem like a really good person, and I always enjoy reading your posts on the forum.

 

[likeaspacemonkey]

Oh I'm a mess too. When I'm out, I'm extremely anxious, sometimes come close to panic attacks, where litterally everything turns into a big blur and noise. Sometimes it gets to the point where I'm afraid to move. And it all comes down to being afraid of people, because I've had a hard time with people before. My self-esteem is in the toilet. So your definitely not alone.

Don't know how much it can help, but what I've been trying around later is not to hide my weirdness. I was always embarrassed if someone called me weird, but now, I'm trying (and for the time being, somewhat succeding) in turning the thing around. I'm weird. Hell yeah. And if I start to get nervous, I push myself, do something crazy, like sticking my feet in the air in the bus. And instead of feeling awkward like anyone would, try to just own the place, if I explain myself right. Just say **** your social rules.

Anyways, that's just a thing I'm trying. I'm still a mess. If anything, I hope you feel better knowing there's another freak out there reading you.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Wow thank you for all your replies, they put a smile on myself. Before I was worried people would say something mean but I noticed it's my low self esteem talking. You all are wonderful and thank you so much for giving me support. My support goes out to all of you too. Nobody deserves to suffer and I care about you guys, this whole forum helps me one step closer to healing. =)

 

[ladyforsaken]

Your posts tend to make me smile too, Wallflower. *hugs*

 

[Bei]

I can also relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'm a lot better than I once was but I still really struggle with how I feel about myself.

I know it's hard to hear this sometimes but it can totally get better for us one day. We just have to work on it. I know I don't know you but for what it's worth I think you sound like a really sweet person.

 

[silversurfer]

You sound like a really good person. And I can so totally relate to you. Even I worry a lot about what people are going to think of me. I feel like I'm going to disappoint them in the end, so why start the relationship in the first place.
That also apply to replying people online. I edit my message three or four times just to make sure that I don't say something wrong. lols

 

[DeadSun]

Always feel like I'm always doing something wrong.
Even when I post on here or reply to anyone's threads I really try to come up with some good advice but sometimes I don't know what to say. Wish I had something more meaningful to write but I'm afraid of expressing myself most of the time cause I think so poorly of myself..

I can relate, everything I do seems to be wrong, my life just seems like one big **** up and I always just seem to make it worse. But then I figured since everything I say or do is wrong then it really doesn't matter so I just say and do whatever.

Like replying to a thread, I just type whatever comes to mind, then when I think "well maybe I should change my reply, or maybe this'll sound weird or blablabla" you know **** like that. Then I just think whatever I says gonna be wrong anyway so I might as well just put out there, no real reason for changing it or thinking it over and then I just hit post.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Always feel like I'm always doing something wrong.
Even when I post on here or reply to anyone's threads I really try to come up with some good advice but sometimes I don't know what to say. Wish I had something more meaningful to write but I'm afraid of expressing myself most of the time cause I think so poorly of myself..

I can relate, everything I do seems to be wrong, my life just seems like one big **** up and I always just seem to make it worse. But then I figured since everything I say or do is wrong then it really doesn't matter so I just say and do whatever.

Like replying to a thread, I just type whatever comes to mind, then when I think "well maybe I should change my reply, or maybe this'll sound weird or blablabla" you know **** like that. Then I just think whatever I says gonna be wrong anyway so I might as well just put out there, no real reason for changing it or thinking it over and then I just hit post.

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it greatly! Had that similar experience awhile ago when I was replying to a different thread just now and I was hesitate on hitting the post reply button. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one though who feels the same way. =)

 

[Bebeskii]

Hello WallflowerGirl83. I'm in the exact same situation. You really remind me how i really feel inside. There are emptiness and loneliness inside my heart. And I could not relate to anyone. Mentally too mature- Almost all foreigners that i met say that I'm smart and intelligent. But very childish and physically weak and no one cares about me except my family. I think you need to find someone to charge you. Someone to give you a reason to stand up and live for. It is hard to find someone who truly defends and loves you, but you just gotta find that person someday.

 

[Iceman1978]

I know what you're going through. Recently, I was told by someone I know that I have ugly legs.

I felt like asking them, is there any part of me that isn't ugly? Perhaps I should just wear a sign around my neck that says "too ugly to live." Would that make everything nice and convenient?

People have told me that my face is ugly, my nose is ugly, and now my legs.

So yes, I know what it's like to feel as though you're nothing. I know what you're going through.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I'm glad more and more people keep opening themselves up and responding to my thread. Here I kept thinking what a loser I was and kept thinking what a horrible person I am. For years I would constantly beat myself up cause of how others treated me in the past. Still to this day I have my good days and bad days, and on my bad days I feel very sad and vulnerable. There's other days where I feel like I'm reading to far into people's words cause I'm so used to being criticized and being made fun of by others. Got away from my abusive boyfriend too which I'm thankful for, and he used to name call me and control me. Anything I did or said, he would beat me down to a pulp... felt very vulnerable and even started hating myself. Now I have a hard time trusting people or getting close to people cause I'm so paranoid that I'll be abused again.

Started therapy recently and it's going wonderful for me. Really want to heal, so I no longer will have negative thoughts about myself. Just trust me, I can relate with all of you for how you feel. And wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you all who is suffering with low self esteem.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm glad more and more people keep opening themselves up and responding to my thread. Here I kept thinking what a loser I was and kept thinking what a horrible person I am. For years I would constantly beat myself up cause of how others treated me in the past. Still to this day I have my good days and bad days, and on my bad days I feel very sad and vulnerable. There's other days where I feel like I'm reading to far into people's words cause I'm so used to being criticized and being made fun of by others. Got away from my abusive boyfriend too which I'm thankful for, and he used to name call me and control me. Anything I did or said, he would beat me down to a pulp... felt very vulnerable and even started hating myself. Now I have a hard time trusting people or getting close to people cause I'm so paranoid that I'll be abused again.

Started therapy recently and it's going wonderful for me. Really want to heal, so I no longer will have negative thoughts about myself. Just trust me, I can relate with all of you for how you feel. And wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you all who is suffering with low self esteem.

You're saying exactly what I've been through and what I'm feeling.. except the therapy part. I am hoping for the same for myself, just without therapy.. but I really hope you'll get through this all right. Good luck, Wallflower. *hugs*