Struggling to accept... me?

[CenotaphGirl]

Noooo need to reply, my inner ramblings are one thing, but this is deep to me, something I have always struggled with for so so long.
I have always struggled to accept who I naturally am, I have had a few junctions in which I have pivoted into trying to appreciate myself but I just cannot.
My mother and I discussed this recently, she said... I looked Caucasian after I did my hair, and its cold so I am a little more pale than usual,
I explained that I am me, and this is how I like to look, anything else messes with my self-esteem. She said it's excuses and I need to embrace who I "really" am.. (Oh the triggering never stops...)
Honestly, I don't feel like I try to look Caucasian, but I understand why people might think that.

I feel like I try to look like barbie lol that has been a thing since I can remember. Since I was young I wanted to look anything but human, I wanted to look like a doll.
My dads nickname for me was doll because I was so obsessed. I even used to pose like a doll with dead eyes and it was all so creepy but its when I felt the most beautiful.
Now, I will be honest, I was bullied for so long about my race, even by my own mother, it's to the point I wouldn't even correct someone if they assumed I was white, because I am so ashamed.
Once me and Finished were chatting and he said something about me being like a "fake white girl" lol he meant no harm but I sat up that night... perplexed like... is that what I am?

I dont know what is right, but I know being ashamed of who you are is not. I want to be able to love someone properly and I wonder if I can do that while hating everything about myself?
Can I magically get over this? Can I start to see some value, some sort of peace with who I am, or will I die in these blonde hair extensions and blue contacts... should it matter? Is it just self expression? I dont know anymore...

 

[Ima Lone]

Not much I can do from here but
show that to someone there,
where you are.


​

 

[CenotaphGirl]

View attachment 6667
Not much I can do from here but
show that to someone there,
where you are.


​

Awh why thank you kind sir!

 

[funnylife33]

Just saw this few minutes ago on youtube ...

julia vins

maybe you can check it out ...

 

[Finished]

I even used to pose like a doll with dead eyes and it was all so creepy but its when I felt the most beautiful.

I like that. It's hot. But, I like the thought of having a female android.

You can like who you are. You don't have to go back to what you were born as. Many people completely change themselves to became who they feel or believe they are. It is becoming more and more accepted to do so. So, if you feel like you are a barbie doll then be a barbie doll, be happy about it, and show everybody that you are an awesome barbie doll. People are going to judge you no matter what you do. So, just be who you want to be. It doesn't matter what you were. It only matters what you are.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I like that. It's hot. But, I like the thought of having a female android.

You can like who you are. You don't have to go back to what you were born as. Many people completely change themselves to became who they feel or believe they are. It is becoming more and more accepted to do so. So, if you feel like you are a barbie doll then be a barbie doll, be happy about it, and show everybody that you are an awesome barbie doll. People are going to judge you no matter what you do. So, just be who you want to be. It doesn't matter what you were. It only matters what you are.

Ugh this made me cry Finished... going to a therapeutic hospital thingy today because I am having a "identity crisis" when all I want to do is sleep off this wisdom tooth pain... Sure my mother hates me at this point.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Just saw this few minutes ago on youtube ...

julia vins

maybe you can check it out ...

You know if men continue on their current trajectory with me... this.. lol is starting to look like an appealing alternative.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You know if men continue on their current trajectory with me... this.. lol is starting to look like an appealing alternative.

To bulk up and start running around punching guys at will, and then running away?

I can see it now - "Grand Theft Ceno"

 

[user 189843]

I want to be able to love someone properly and I wonder if I can do that while hating everything about myself?

I hate myself, I hate everything about me, though I too wonder if I will be able to love someone while hating myself. Sometimes I like to think that I don't need to love myself as long as someone else loved me. I've also thought about the possibility of being with someone else that has low self esteem, and that maybe together with that person we could make one another feel better about ourselves when we normally couldn't. If I can be perfectly honest though, I don't think anyone could ever love me anyway so in my case it doesn't matter.

So I think as long as the person you were with liked you for who you are, that maybe the way you see yourself wouldn't matter. Plus maybe that person can help you like yourself more, and help you see yourself in a way you never could. To me being with someone means being there for them in every way, and if that means making them feel better about themselves then so be it. One more thing as well, if a person were to love you for who you are would you really care about how you saw yourself? If that was me in that situation, if would certainly make me feel better about myself because it would tell me I'm good enough for someone to love.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I hate myself, I hate everything about me, though I too wonder if I will be able to love someone while hating myself. Sometimes I like to think that I don't need to love myself as long as someone else loved me. I've also thought about the possibility of being with someone else that has low self esteem, and that maybe together with that person we could make one another feel better about ourselves when we normally couldn't. If I can be perfectly honest though, I don't think anyone could ever love me anyway so in my case it doesn't matter.

So I think as long as the person you were with liked you for who you are, that maybe the way you see yourself wouldn't matter. Plus maybe that person can help you like yourself more, and help you see yourself in a way you never could. To me being with someone means being there for them in every way, and if that means making them feel better about themselves then so be it. One more thing as well, if a person were to love you for who you are would you really care about how you saw yourself? If that was me in that situation, if would certainly make me feel better about myself because it would tell me I'm good enough for someone to love.

I had similar feelings to this, like if I could find my dream guy, get him to even just like me, my self-esteem would rocket, my self loathing would decrease and I would be this pinnacle of human change, straight from loathing to loving myself.

Alas... the saying is true, someone who's not you, cant teach you how to love ... you... because they do not know you. They want to excuse you, ignore aspects about you, love their reflection within you, but they cant love you unless you do, because when you accept who you truly are, you can open up the most vulnerable parts, and say, they aren't perfect but... they are here.

I think my despise for who I am makes me attractive to very abusive people, people who also hate who I am. Shocker.

 

[user 189843]

I had similar feelings to this, like if I could find my dream guy, get him to even just like me, my self-esteem would rocket, my self loathing would decrease and I would be this pinnacle of human change, straight from loathing to loving myself.

Alas... the saying is true, someone who's not you, cant teach you how to love ... you... because they do not know you. They want to excuse you, ignore aspects about you, love their reflection within you, but they cant love you unless you do, because when you accept who you truly are, you can open up the most vulnerable parts, and say, they aren't perfect but... they are here.

I think my despise for who I am makes me attractive to very abusive people, people who also hate who I am. Shocker.

Well I still don't think it's impossible for someone to love you when you hate yourself, but at the same time I don't think the other person should know that unless they can really understand and see you for who you are instead of for who you see yourself as. If a person just wants to see that negativity they will feed on it, and while you said yourself you seem to attract those types it's not your fault. Unfortunately some people want that person with a crappy self esteem, someone that struggles, because they feel they can do whatever they want. They'll see you as weak, and treat you like garbage.

I genuinely think we both have a similar problem in that we need people that will see us for us instead of how we see ourselves, but as weird as it may sound we may need others like us that can see past the issues and see the real us. People that don't understand may never truly see us for us, they will probably just focus on how we see ourselves and if we don't see ourselves in a good way then those people won't either. I'm sure you have a lot of nice qualities that someone would genuinely be attracted to, but if you're like me and don't allow people to see those qualities then you'll keep attracting the jerks. And hey I'm just being honest here, but like I said in another reply to you you seem like a lovely person and if more people saw you that way it might change things for the better.