Suicide and True Friends

[padfoots]

I thought that I had made 2 very good friends. For a time, we were even close. And then, they just pushed me away. Their reason? "It's always just been us. Please understand.":club:

I had already planned my suicide for months. This was just the leverage I needed to actually go through with it. On the day, I left some strange messages on plurk, such as: "making one last playlist". I was planning on listening to my favorite songs as a slowly died from oxygen deprivation. I won't mention what I was going to use and all that. Just that it had something to do with making sure my body could no longer receive oxygen. I don't want people here trying that, now, do I?

One of them suspected and was panicking. Both of them spoke to me. I didn't go through with the suicide.

I still talked about suicide. It made them angry. They said that me still thinking about it made everything they said seem like garbage. I tried to apologize. They wouldn't even look at me. I sent them an e-mail, all Chelzie did was leave a plurk that said, "You still don't understand."

I don't know what i'm supposed to understand. But I think I do. I think it's just that they can't accept me wanting to die. And because they can't accept or respect that, they don't want to be my friend, or they can't. Because possibly in the event that I do die, they wouldn't be able to take it.

I told my brother about it. He said, "Screw them. They're not your true friends.":club:

I find it so easy to 'click' with people. But then I just seem to be a passing thing, an interesting toy that you play with for maybe a week then forget about. Maybe I'm too clingy. Actually, I know I am. But I want a friend. Someone who's not just always there for talking. I want someone who's also there when you need them, and they go even if they don't want to.

 

[evanescencefan91]

Why did it make them angry? I'm really sorry i don't understand why they would be angry at you

people can be ****

but i think that it's good you didn't go through with it

I find it so easy to 'click' with people. But then I just seem to be a passing thing, an interesting toy that you play with for maybe a week then forget about. Maybe I'm too clingy. Actually, I know I am. But I want a friend. Someone who's not just always there for talking. I want someone who's also there when you need them, and they go even if they don't want to.

i can relate to that so much i don't click with everyone, but i meet people i call them the anti mainstream mainstream
and we've got the same taste in music and everything else, but i just don't stick, we get in a conversation and we connect, but i just don't stick so they disconnect from me
there's so many other people they can conncet and talk with

it's just so ******* frustrating

i can understand a little of what you're going through, it might be good to get some help from a therapist or someone,
but i hope someday you'll find some true friends that will stick by you to the end

*hugs*

 

[padfoots]

I can understand why some people may get angry... But I just can't understand why they cannot forgive me. I spent everyday with them for 4 months! And it's like all that suddenly didn't matter...

 

[Unacceptance]

Holding your breath doesn't work.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Guilt...stopped playing guilt trips with your friends.
When you speak of suicide...you make people worry..it makes them feel sick.
You're dragging thier emotions through the mud.
You're trying to hold your freinds emotionally hostage.
It drains all of thier energy.
It's a ****** way to get attention....

Would you want a freind that you worry about to the poiont you feel sick, guilty, can't think straight, and stress ?
It can't be that hard to comprehend or understand.

Reverse the process...LOVE yourself and foremost, take care of yourself, cherish yourself, vaule your life.
There's no magic to it..It just takes practice and a change of attitude.
Happiness and love starts from the inside and expand outward.
Disciplne yourself...take charge of your life. Honor yourself by living. Respect yourself and live.
If you don't vaule yourself or your life...how then will you value a freindship ?

Forgive yourself and move forward...step up to the plate.

People don't have to forgive you...becuase people are free to make chioces as they wish.
Poeple don't have to do anything....just like you don't have to do anything...

You have a chioce....

Self pity...we all have them...I've been there and done that.
It got me no where...other then just misery.
I chose not to do that today again...**** that.
That was insane suffering crap. I'm not putting myself through that again.

 

[padfoots]

Unacceptance, I like your cruel and sarcastic sense of humor. I wasn't planning on holding my breath though.

Lonesome Crow, I wasn't holding my friends emotionally hostage. When they pushed me away, I stayed away. It was weeks after that I finally picked a day for the suicide when I was home alone for the night. And I never went to them and directly told them, "Oh i'm pathetic! Be my friend or i'll kill myself!" You are an ass. It just so happened they were my friends in plurk and saw my messages, which were all indirect.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Thank you I like being your ********...

maybe that's why fucken people push your ass away...everybody miss understand your ass...
They got your fucken suicide date mixed up. It ****** up their sechdule.

You don't get it you do ???

ass!

**** off and don't fucken apologize to me..lmao
**** that ****...how this for indirect ?

The chioce is yours to make....
It's your chioce. The buck stops with you. Not your friends. Not me. Not anyone else.
You live or die by your chioces. We all do.
You have a chioce.

 

[darkwall]

Hello Padfoot,

Wanting to commit suicide should never be something that the people around you "respect".

I've looked into the psychology of suicide enough to understand that no-one wants to die. You just want to be rid of a problem: your mind is incapable of thinking in terms of the infinite nothingness that is death. You see yourself as that problem. Maybe, but you're so much more than that - everything that has ever existed in the world you know is just your perception: beauty exists for you because you can experience it, joy because you can feel it. When you commit suicide, you kill off an entire universe.

Everyone in that universe will be affected in some way if you die. Suicide is almost always selfish, because it rarely happens without destroying other people's lives. There are some very good documentaries on the way a suicide can affect families that I think any suicidal person should watch. The reason your friends are mad at you is because they don't think you're thinking of them.

I don't think most people who commit suicide actually want to die. I think their deaths aren't self-murder, but self-manslaughter. If you watch "The Bridge", you see a guy who survived the fall who realised halfway down that he didn't want to die. More importantly than this, most people commit suicide subconsciously to punish the people around them. If people really wanted to commit suicide ... they'd chop their leg off first. That's what happened in the trenches with people whose lives sucked even worse than yours or mine. It would be like testing the waters - seeing how your life changes. People don't do this because they don't really want to hurt themselves - self-harm is a form of communication to those around you, and self-murder is just a continuation of this. Hence why people cut themselves, people hang themselves - but did you ever hear of a person blinding themselves?

Read an essay on suicidal tendencies and it will make you see as any desire to harm yourself as like a virus in you that isn't a part of you at all. Ignore Lonesome Crow - he's a nice guy with a big personality problem, and he doesn't know how to talk to depressed people so he tries the "tough approach". This is about as effective as daring someone to do it - studies have shown that there is a sort of internal peer pressure where suicidal people almost feel they have to show their bravery.

Don't "respect" the suicidal urges. It *isn't* who you are, it is a mental delusion that kills people. Your friends are acting as a lot of people would. I am guessing from your Harry Potter avatar that you are young: they probably have no idea how to deal with it. Saying "I want to die" is saying "you don't matter to me". For a psychologically realistic view of how some people respond to a suicide, please read my anti-suicide story "The Suicide". It sounds like your friends are responding much the same way.

I will be your friend, here on the internet. But it sounds like you need some friends in RL as well. One important thing: don't neglect your body. Exercise, sleep and eat well, and you will weaken depression's hold on you an essential fraction.

Peace,

Little Buddha

 

[SophiaGrace]

Can I ask why you left the notes if you truely didnt want to be found out? I mean, if you left them there was the chance they'd be found and figured out. That indicates to me that a part of you didnt want to go through with it.

And Padfoot (Sirius ) You need to go find some help. Go talk to someone about how you feel. Don't hold it inside. Go talk to a Psychologist...get on meds. That's what I did and it helped me SO MUCH. I bet if you went and got help that your friends would be relieved. Please go get help. You are not alone.

 

[wolfshadow]

The subject of suicide turns my legs to jelly.

When I was thirteen years old, I made an abortive attempt on my own life and the incident changed me forever. Even now, a lifetime later, the memories left in the wake of the entire fiasco are still almost too shameful to bear because I can never entirely forgive myself for the horror, confusion and panic sewn my actions. Other traumatic event have befallen me since, possibly even things that many would consider far worse, but if I could go back in time and undo one single mistake, the suicide attempt would be it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Budhda....saying I have personality problems is fucken retarded.

Now you're going to confuse the guy.
That's like saying...oki doki me friends...I'm not going to hang myself but just so you will accept me
into your circle, I ma get high and shot up dope with you too...FFS.

Look at me, look at me...I' m fucken brave...err !

 

[SilentThinker]

I still talked about suicide. It made them angry. They said that me still thinking about it made everything they said seem like garbage. I tried to apologize. They wouldn't even look at me. I sent them an e-mail, all Chelzie did was leave a plurk that said, "You still don't understand."

I don't know what i'm supposed to understand. But I think I do. I think it's just that they can't accept me wanting to die. And because they can't accept or respect that, they don't want to be my friend, or they can't. Because possibly in the event that I do die, they wouldn't be able to take it.

Dun come to a conclusion too soon that they do not want to be friends with you.They may just want you to continue to live on.Pretend that I am your friend right now and one day I found life meaningless.As a friend,you should discourage me from dying than to encourage me to die.

I find it so easy to 'click' with people. But then I just seem to be a passing thing, an interesting toy that you play with for maybe a week then forget about. Maybe I'm too clingy. Actually, I know I am. But I want a friend. Someone who's not just always there for talking. I want someone who's also there when you need them, and they go even if they don't want to.

Dun worry about it.Just do the things that you normally do with the new friends you made.Soon you will find a friend who care for you.But nowsday people are more of give and taker.For example,you need to care for me first before I care for you.So care for people and people may care for you too.

 

[heretostay]

Most people like to be happy. Being around someone that talks about suicide inclines one to feel down. And also helpless. they cant just stand by and listen to you, and they cant fix you. if they cant fix you, then its too exhausting to be around you. that's just the way it is.

 

[strobefire]

That last thing you said about being clingy and wanting friends so much stuck with me. I think it was on an episode of Scrubs that they mentioned there's a difference between being well-liked and being respected. I know there have been times where I wanted to be accepted and well-liked that I would give into peer pressure, even if that meant acting like a fool.

Sometimes you have to pull back and stand for what you believe in, even if that means you won't be well-liked. You can't be a person that pleases everyone, but hopefully some people will appreciate you for who you are.

 

[darkwall]

Lonesome,

I apologise for saying you have personality problems. What I was trying to express is that you have a very strange way of relating to people. You leave the longest and weirdest comments, more often than not relating heavily back to your own problems of which we are not aware, or else your own sexual prowess.

It took me a while to realise that the fact you left the longest comments shows that you care the most. However, I think in cases such as these, your macho posturing can be inappropriate and can anger people, as it has done to the OP. You yourself have quite a short temper, hence you telling him to "**** off", which again is not appropriate to a thread about suicide.

Simply put, I think you lack emotional subtlety. You may or may not be right when you talk about the OP's "attention-grabbing" - but I believe you were wrong to phrase it the way you did. It was clearly a cry for help, which does indeed require people's attention, but is hardly trying to hog the limelight, and your comment was guaranteed to negatively affect the OP.

Peace,

Little Buddha

 

[EveWasFramed]

Let's not derail this thread with pot shots at each other. Cry peace. Thanks in advance.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Thanks...LB Now I'm fucken strange, emotionally distrub or lack understanding/ compassion.
I did't get my informations from fucken experted opinions.
I lived it on both side of the ailes...

Ya know...Sherry didn't come right out and said..."gees the fucken whizzz honey..
if you don't let me suck your dick tonight...I'm going to hang myself".

As for my own personal style...I just did it.
A nurse or a close friend of mine took me home and tried to love me back to life...
She went everywhere i went and put a little bang in my life. (pg-13 version)

Let me think.....If I UNDERSTAND it correctly,....there's no fucken SUGER under my covers today...

 

[wolfshadow]

The threat of suicide is quite frequently employed as a tool to purchase emotional leverage. I know this because I've done this. The end result is that you end up scaring the living daylights out of the people who really do care and distance yourself from those who don't.

It also has an adverse affect on the balance of how people will communicte with you; meaning that when a wrong word could possibly spell disaster, many will contrive to say things that don't uspet you rather than entrusting you with an honest opinion. In short, it make people tread on eggshells.

Yes, you will get the attention and you will discover who your real allies are but the wages are heavy and there are other, less destructive ways in which you can accomplish this. Ways that won't inflict such lasting damage to your self respect. I understand that in the heat of the moment, this may be the least of ones concerns but after the fact, it develops into arguably the most significent and lingering side effect.

My opinion of what you should do with this notion of using suicide as a weapon against your friends is to screw it up and throw it in the waste paper basket. You've got much more pressing concerns than either of them; principly your spiritual and emotional welfare. You haven't mentioned whether or not these impulses have lead to a doctor or therapist but since I have volunteered to post a response, it would be remiss of me not to include the suggesstion.

Also there is the old saying " a change is as good as the rest". For a long time I have held a belief that the contemplation of suicide underlines a desperate need for change. When we stagnate, our lives tend to lose daily purpose and this can lead one to seize upon anything in their midst to try and provide their existence with substance and depth. Suicide, drug addiction, alcohol and social crisis points all fit this bill because of thier inherent immediacy. Perhaps (and I'm saying this as much to myself as to you) it's better just to dust yourself off, forget about these troubled associations, that may even be holding you back, and consider the possibilty of doing pursuing something new to try give yourself a fresh start.

Whatever happens, I wish you the very best of luck.

 

[pageturnity]

Hi,
I hear you. I read a novel called 'Somewhere carnal over 40 winks' and it helped me a lot. Especially, it opened my eyes to see the bigger picture of life. I hope this book gives you the answer you are after or something even better.

 

[freedom]

my story-

great friends are hard to find, and it seems like the only time we get to make them is during the first 10-12 years of our lives. i just experienced what you described very recently. about two years ago, i was very depressed. i've had depression for 10 years now, but two years ago i was at my lowest point. i just didn't want to live anymore. the will to live was slowly asphyxiated along with all my hopes and dreams of the time. the only way out, the only way to liberate myself was to die, even though i knew i would go straight to hell for committing such an unforgivable sin. i already felt that i was heading down there anyway, so i thought "what the hell. cast me there already". all that was left for me to do was write my suicide letter. i was gonna mail it to myself on the day that i was gonna go through with it. everything was lost for me. my burden was too heavy and i couldn't move forward anymore. i was brimming with depression, loneliness, rage. in the months before going through with it, i was preparing myself mentally. i already had a mental movie of how everything would end for me. i knew a good spot to hang myself from where they would have a very hard time finding me. i figured that by the time they found me, i would be reduced to dust. i didn't want them to find my body because i thought it would be less of an impact if my few friends and family members didn't have to see it. i wanted to die, but i didn't want to hurt anyone else although by killing myself, that would be inevitable. everything was planned out and ready to be executed. i thought that i had reached the point of no return. i was ready to die.

then one saturday, one week after the loneliest valentine's day that i've ever had the misfortune of waking up on, i met her. the moment that i met her i felt something in me that i can't explain. i made an instant connection with her that i hadn't felt with anyone before in my entire life, and it felt great. i began to talk to her and get to know her, and it turned out that she was just as depressed as i was. over the year that i had the great pleasure of being with her, she changed me. she taught me how to be happy, how to feel, how to dream, how to live. our romantic friendship was very short lived. one day she just got up and left, and i haven't heard from her in almost six months. i may never know the motives behind her sudden departure, but i am eternally grateful for her kindness and generosity.

for reasons that i'll probably never know, she left. i sent her a letter one month ago and i still haven't gotten a reply. i often ask myself why i would be given such a great blessing only to have it taken away. i guess i'll find out when i make it to the other side. nonetheless, i am a much happier person now although i still suffer a moderate depression. the life in me was renewed and strengthened because of her, and i literally owe my life to her. i just hope to be able to return the favor someday.

experiences like these are the ones we need to learn from. they're the ones that give us the opportunity to become wiser and more mature. i am so glad now that i didn't take my life away. i am now have a completely different mindset and lifestyle as well as new dreams and hopes to keep me moving forward. i urge you to see the good in life's awful experiences. i wish you well.

-freedom