Teasing

[mintymint]

Tinder is a hookup app, most people use it for that, it was created for the college crowd. Most just go on and flirt and find someone to get laid. There are very few who use it for more than that. This looks like one of those who probably gets their kicks out of doing what that person did, lead someone on regardless of how quickly someone falls into it. I bet there are way more people who troll Tinder doing exactly what this person did than any other actual dating site. And you can bet there are a lot of people who ask to meet up within seconds of talking to a person. It's Tinder. There was a sexual harassment lawsuit made by one of the founders against another founder of the app for sending sexually explicit material. The people who created it were allegedly using it for less than upstanding behavior.

Even if it's a hookup app, it doesn't mean people are going to automatically hookup with you just because they chatted with you for a few minutes or flirted with you. If anything, they're probably trying to get a better feel for who you are and whether or not you're acceptable to them or feel comfortable to them. Even when looking for a hookup, many people are particular about who it's with. They can vet you as much as they want. Even if a girl gives out her number and meets up with someone in person, she might be put off by something that happens during that interaction and for whatever reason choose to not go forward with things. That's ENTIRELY her right. She owes that person nothing and they aren't entitled to anything from her. She isn't being nasty or malicious by taking that course of action.

Also, with Tinder being a hookup app, you and everyone else on there is rapidly judged and discarded based on the personal preference of many, many other users. Even if someone thought you seemed interesting, a better pick could just as easily come down the line in a split second. It's that kind of place; it involves rejection en masse. And that rejection can come at any stage. It's not entirely dissimilar from dating in general, only streamlined. It's not always an easy aspect to handle, but it's a reality.

You can't go on Tinder or anywhere with a sense of entitlement—that you automatically deserve something because of an interaction. Looking at things through that lens has led many down a road of bitterness and worse. When people start saying things like maybe they should treat women poorly as a policy because of experiences like this, it's a dangerous mindset to begin to fall into. It's not a logical reaction, it's wrong to treat people that way, and you shouldn't treat the whole sex poorly for what a few members of it may have done to you. It may sound like an overreaction, but there is a disturbing prevalence of such attitudes, and I've seen many women suffering from it as a result. I feel that kind of thinking is misguided and really needs to be nipped in the bud.

There's lots of girls out there. There's lots of ways to meet them. There's lots of ways to communicate who you are to them and form a connection. You have to keep an open mind and a positive attitude. Don't let rejection discourage you or turn you bitter. Rejection and failure are fixtures in life, but they aren't as much personal attacks as they are obstacles. You can learn to take them better, learn from them, and let go of them. It's better to control your expectations and take things as they come—try not to get too far ahead of yourself. And remember, just as there are bad people out there, like the ones you dealt with in your past, there are good ones as well. There are girls out there who will like you. There are girls who will love you. And yes, there are girls who will want to hookup with you. Don't make the people in your future pay for the mistakes of the people in your past. They don't deserve it. And you could be sabotaging a lot of potential.

 

[Oldyoung]

Don't make the people in your future pay for the mistakes of the people in your past. They don't deserve it. And you could be sabotaging a lot of potential.

Very well said. When you get bitter, it doesn't just hurt yourself. It hurts others who never gets a chance to know you, who would otherwise enjoy your company a lot.

Also TSM, you did entirely right in wanting to meet up quickly. It'd be worse if she messed around with you for three weeks, sending flirty messages and what not.

 

[ardour]

When people start saying things like maybe they should treat women poorly as a policy because of experiences like this, it's a dangerous mindset to begin to fall into. It's not a logical reaction, it's wrong to treat people that way, and you shouldn't treat the whole sex poorly for what a few members of it may have done to you. It may sound like an overreaction, but there is a disturbing prevalence of such attitudes, and I've seen many women suffering from it as a result. I feel that kind of thinking is misguided and really needs to be nipped in the bud.

I don't know if it's primarily about taking negative experiences out on somebody else. The mindset exists because of the kinds of personality traits in men many women seem to prefer, or at least the perception of that - and adjusting behaviour to become one of those men. But of course you're right, nobody deserves to be treated badly.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

It is kind of sad that you went to being an *******, but I can understand the knee jerk response. I can also understand the comments and advice you were given. However, you don't need to become an *******, but have you considered not being polite and sweet ALL the time?

Yeah, my apologies, the whole "maybe I should be an arsehole" thing was a really dumb comment. I blame it on my (equally dumb!) frustration when I first posted

I think what I actually need to do is twofold: become more assertive, and stop wasting time on people that come across as immature/selfish.

The girl from this OP has now updated her profile and it says stuff like: "Don't even bother talking to me if you don't have a six figure salary", so if I'd known that first off I wouldn't have got involved...even if I did have a six figure salary, haha! :shy:

It's true that there's never an excuse to be unpleasant to people as a matter of course (whether those people be girls or guys), and furthermore I've never been that sort of person. I'd never want to be that sort of person.

But at the same time, I should definitely put my foot down a lot faster when I know people are jerking me around (again, not just in this context). I tend to be far too polite, even when it's obvious people are messing me about.

 

[African_weasel]

I think I must just be unlucky with the girls I meet, but I've noticed girls seem to mess me about a lot. I don't know why. I'm nice but I'm not spineless at all, certainly not like some guys I know who just bow to girls like they're totally superior or something. In fact, I consider myself brave: in scary situations (fights, fires) I've always been the guy that steps forward.

Nonetheless it started kind of back in high school, where the nastier girls were often really unpleasant to me (I had one that once just came up and said "No one will ever want to have sex with you." out of the blue, for no reason. That was a nice moment, lol ).

But mostly girls would just flirt then tell me they weren't interested because they found it funny, I guess.

Well, that was years back. So I've been on dating sites since and (*sigh*) Tinder. Got a Tinder match this afternoon and surprisingly it seemed great.

She was really pretty and immediately responded to my message, which I was surprised at. Anyway, we talked for about 15 minutes casually and then she started being really flirty/sexual. So I flirted back a little, but reservedly.

After another 10 minutes of flirting, during which she seemed genuinely interested, I actually decided that it'd be cool to meet her for a drink or something. So I gave her my number, and she just suddenly replied with "Nah, you're alright. I don't think so." Silence. Game over.

For some stupid reason, even though I've never met this person and it's on a rather ****** "dating" app anyway, it just made me feel crap.

She's probably the one girl who's really flirted with me (both in RL and online) in about 8 months, whereas I expect she has about 4000 Tinder matches she can just wind up indiscriminately for her own amusement. And I actually fell for it.

People often seem to take me for some kind of worthless ***** just because I'm a friendly, decent person. Outside of "dating" (if you can call talking to horrible people online "dating"!) it's echoed by my work colleagues. They frequently talk down to me and act like I'm intellectually inferior just because I never tell them to **** off because I'm sick of it :club:

Do I just need to start being more of an arsehole towards girls or something? Because this kind of behaviour just really ticks me off, I'd never intentionally humiliate a girl who liked me, so I fail to see why it's totally fine to do that to me... :\

I have not used tinder before but it seems like people use it to just chat with people, not to find a date. If I was you, I would try my hand at speed dating. I'll be honest and say I'v never done it (I say that but you never know when you have at some point in time), you get 2-5 minutes with the person and then you move. It's also just a way to kill spare time doing something other than sitting at home.

 

[Batman55]

There's lots of girls out there. There's lots of ways to meet them. There's lots of ways to communicate who you are to them and form a connection. You have to keep an open mind and a positive attitude. Don't let rejection discourage you or turn you bitter. Rejection and failure are fixtures in life, but they aren't as much personal attacks as they are obstacles. You can learn to take them better, learn from them, and let go of them. It's better to control your expectations and take things as they come—try not to get too far ahead of yourself. And remember, just as there are bad people out there, like the ones you dealt with in your past, there are good ones as well. There are girls out there who will like you. There are girls who will love you. And yes, there are girls who will want to hookup with you. Don't make the people in your future pay for the mistakes of the people in your past. They don't deserve it. And you could be sabotaging a lot of potential.

Warning, slightly pessimistic comment.

I feel that you should suggest this "there are definitely girls for you" line just for the men who have learned to be confident, know how to socialize, and/or have some kind of charismatic quality.

I'm trying to keep my optimism up about things like this... but at the same time my observation shows that there's a very high premium put on social ability and/or status... it's this very "lack" that prevents many guys from progress. Awkwardness is a bottleneck.

What concerns me even more is the possibility of "innateness" to this said lack... But, I'll quit my pessimistic rant right here and now. I guess I'm complaining.. but anyway, had to get that out.

---

The girl from this OP has now updated her profile and it says stuff like: "Don't even bother talking to me if you don't have a six figure salary", so if I'd known that first off I wouldn't have got involved...even if I did have a six figure salary, haha! :shy:

Just too much of a difference between the way the world is.. and the way it should ideally be.. *sigh*

 

[HoodedMonk]

There's lots of girls out there. There's lots of ways to meet them. There's lots of ways to communicate who you are to them and form a connection. You have to keep an open mind and a positive attitude. Don't let rejection discourage you or turn you bitter. Rejection and failure are fixtures in life, but they aren't as much personal attacks as they are obstacles. You can learn to take them better, learn from them, and let go of them. It's better to control your expectations and take things as they come—try not to get too far ahead of yourself. And remember, just as there are bad people out there, like the ones you dealt with in your past, there are good ones as well. There are girls out there who will like you. There are girls who will love you. And yes, there are girls who will want to hookup with you. Don't make the people in your future pay for the mistakes of the people in your past. They don't deserve it. And you could be sabotaging a lot of potential.

Warning, slightly pessimistic comment.

I feel that you should suggest this "there are definitely girls for you" line just for the men who have learned to be confident, know how to socialize, and/or have some kind of charismatic quality.

Why should there be a person for everyone?

I think that's kinda weird to assume that everyone (or even a subset of persons) will find someone to date like it's just bound to happen.

It may happen. It may not.

I think that's more realistic?

---

Maybe ask for an email address, or give yours before going to the phone number. Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting a guy from an app/dating site after a 10 minute convo.
Meeting someone and talking to them in PERSON for 10 minutes is different, you can see them, see their body language, watch them with others, get a sense of who they are.

+1000

Many many things can be hidden or fudged online. One would be wise to be wary.

(this is not a personal dig on SolitaryMan himself. I know he is an awesome person, but 10 minutes is not enough to assess this for anybody online.)

 

[mintymint]

There's lots of girls out there. There's lots of ways to meet them. There's lots of ways to communicate who you are to them and form a connection. You have to keep an open mind and a positive attitude. Don't let rejection discourage you or turn you bitter. Rejection and failure are fixtures in life, but they aren't as much personal attacks as they are obstacles. You can learn to take them better, learn from them, and let go of them. It's better to control your expectations and take things as they come—try not to get too far ahead of yourself. And remember, just as there are bad people out there, like the ones you dealt with in your past, there are good ones as well. There are girls out there who will like you. There are girls who will love you. And yes, there are girls who will want to hookup with you. Don't make the people in your future pay for the mistakes of the people in your past. They don't deserve it. And you could be sabotaging a lot of potential.

Warning, slightly pessimistic comment.

I feel that you should suggest this "there are definitely girls for you" line just for the men who have learned to be confident, know how to socialize, and/or have some kind of charismatic quality.

I feel that this discounts no one. Confidence is a frame of mind; it's not some immutable state of being. It can be gained, lost, regained, and like you said learned. The ability to socialize is a skill. Like any skill it comes more easily to some than others. And like any skill it can be learned, honed, and improved upon. Now charisma is a more elusive subject to address, but I think it's a bit more uncommon and it's safe to say that not everyone pairing off exudes it in great quantities. I really don't believe it's a requirement. So I wouldn't be quick to draw a line in the sand to separate people with and without those qualities.

Why should there be a person for everyone?

I think that's kinda weird to assume that everyone (or even a subset of persons) will find someone to date like it's just bound to happen.

It may happen. It may not.

I think that's more realistic?

There isn't a person for everyone. In fact, there's many compatible potential partners out there for each person. Thousands, probably millions of people from all walks of life with all types of personalities in all sorts of situations are pairing off every day. Some have lower self esteem than you. Some have fewer prospects than you. Some have worse dispositions than you. Some are considered less conventionally attractive than you. But it's happening. The question is: will you do the legwork? Will you be persistent—and not just blind persistence. Will you be mindful enough to grasp the reasons behind your failures and apply them to future scenarios? The hurdles aren't equal for everyone; that's just not how life works. Your struggle is uniquely yours, and the amount of time and patience it takes may not be "fair." But I think that for almost everyone there's the possibility of finding a partner should they want one. Given the evidence and given the odds, I don't think that's a weird or unrealistic thought to have.

 

[ardour]

There isn't a person for everyone. In fact, there's many compatible potential partners out there for each person. Thousands, probably millions of people from all walks of life with all types of personalities in all sorts of situations are pairing off every day. Some have lower self esteem than you. Some have fewer prospects than you. Some have worse dispositions than you. Some are considered less conventionally attractive than you. But it's happening.

It's not as universal as it once was across cultures and social strata. In developing nations and/or traditional cultures women don't have much choice. Things have and are changing in the west, people aren't obliged to settle any more and the number of life-long singles is increasing.

The question is: will you do the legwork? Will you be persistent—and not just blind persistence. Will you be mindful enough to grasp the reasons behind your failures and apply them to future scenarios? The hurdles aren't equal for everyone; that's just not how life works. Your struggle is uniquely yours, and the amount of time and patience it takes may not be "fair." But I think that for almost everyone there's the possibility of finding a partner should they want one. Given the evidence and given the odds, I don't think that's a weird or unrealistic thought to have.

This in a society that emphasizes women's experiences with unwanted attention. Great. That'll be fun. Telling less attractive men to do "do the legwork", interact with many women, women who will most likely not enjoy the experience, bomb out, then learn from it as a personal growth strategy. Seems cruel. It places the onus on the person with the least developed social skills and the most to risk (the potential to be labeled a creep, loss of dignity and reputation).

There are just as many single women as men out there. If we are indeed not as undesirable as thought and there are all these potential partners, chances are someone would have shown some interest by now. Not once in 20 years of adult life has that happened to me so I'm inclined to take a negative view of myself and how women see me in terms of romantic prospects.

 

[mickey]

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "TEASING." THERE IS ONLY ABUSE. ANYONE WHO "TEASES" ANOTHER PERSON IS _ABUSING_ THEM.

That's important enough to be said in all caps.

 

[Doubt The Rabbit]

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "TEASING." THERE IS ONLY ABUSE. ANYONE WHO "TEASES" ANOTHER PERSON IS _ABUSING_ THEM.

That's important enough to be said in all caps.

That's not true at all. Misappropriation of what's considered "abuse" and what isn't is exactly what makes it difficult for abuse victims to be taken seriously or given the attention they require.

 

[HoodedMonk]

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "TEASING." THERE IS ONLY ABUSE. ANYONE WHO "TEASES" ANOTHER PERSON IS _ABUSING_ THEM.

That's important enough to be said in all caps.

That's not true at all. Misappropriation of what's considered "abuse" and what isn't is exactly what makes it difficult for abuse victims to be taken seriously or given the attention they require.

….

yeah.

Abuse.

I don't think this qualifies.