- I too have been a sort of goody-two-shoes for my whole life. I think this is a major reason why I have also been single my whole life. I think women find me boring because of it. But at the same time I have a hard time being stereotypically masculine because I find it ridiculous, kind of a caricature. I'd feel like a cartoon character, and not in a good way. I'd feel like a joke, like I was reading from a script. But that's the thing - it's not how good or bad you are, it's how masculine you are. And I'm not very. So I guess I'll keep going on alone.
- Aside from that I went through a period of my life from about 2006 to 2012 where I did smoke marijuana fairly regularly and occasionally various forms of tobacco. Next month though, it will have been two years since I touched those things and I don't plan to do them again. The marijuana I smoked to get creative (which never happened, by the way - I no longer believe it helps with that) and the tobacco was because I thought there would be no future to look forward to, what with the recession and oil prices and stuff, and even those were solved somehow, I didn't really care about my own life because I felt that I was just born without any talent at anything I liked and there was nothing I could do to get better so I was just going to go through my life miserable anyway.
- Though I am done with any and all smokables, I have experienced and would be open to actual psychedelics. This is the only thing that I feel does not take the edge off of life, but enhances it. It's the only substance I don't feel is somewhat corrupt. Sort of like Spider-sense or the Force. That being said, I hate anyone who does anything harder than those aforementioned things.
- There is a certain type of person, a certain demographic that I hate now, and often fantasize about beating such a person severely. It wouldn't bother me, in fact, I'd actually enjoy it. It wouldn't quite make up for why I am angry, but it would certainly give me a small measure of satisfaction and peace. I'd feel satisfied that I took something from them and not only that but shamed them as well. I won't do it of course because I value my life and don't want to throw it away, I have goals and dreams and I want to be as happy and bright of a person as possible. But still, when I say I hate this group I mean it.
- I haven't been applying for jobs as much as I should because it makes me very nervous, I am very intimidated by it. Scenarios of failure keep flying through my head, driving me insane.
- I also find my life goals very intimidating, and I get overwhelmed by it and wind up taking no action, even on the things I think are fun and daydream about doing.
- I'm trying to get over this almost crippling sense of pessimism I have.
- I feel really guilty out of all the fights I've had with my mom over these past several years. They were all my fault and all unnecessary.
- I am almost constantly worrying about my older family members passing away.
- Finally on a lighter note, though I'll be 28 in less than a week I often wish I could go back to the days of playing in parks. If society didn't have a problem with someone my age running around and going on the swings or monkey bars or slides, I probably would. But it wouldn't be the same to do those things alone.
I also would like to go back and really play with my toys again. Like really get into it, with a story and everything and take up a whole room with it. I'd like to have all of the worlds collide, Star Wars meets Transformers meets LEGO meets everything else I have.
And I still enjoy old cartoons with talking animals. They just have such innocence and charm.
