The loneliness of sobriety

[LonelySkye]

Hi Necropolis,

I've been sober now for a little over 4 years and I see no one most of the day.
This would be a form of isolating, but I enjoy it most of the time and am in my natural environment.
I had to kind of put myself in self isolation to be able to get sober initially, then I found that I actually preferred to be on my own.

The things that makes me feel like this lifestyle is an 'incorrect' one are the stories about people's friends and family especially on Facebook. But we now know that those pics are all like 1% of a person's life and more of a tightly editored brochure more than anything.

I have no close friends in my regional town and all the people who know my name are in AA. I had friends when I drank.. but they were 'virtual' and now I no longer drink I don't see them any more. Surprise Surprise. I really do think that friendship is highly overrated sometimes.

That said, I have never done the steps or had a sponsor in AA. I take what I need from the fellowship (ie the group therapy stuff which I find helpful at times when I've been on my own for a longer stretch that usual). But as an atheist I also find AA really very alienating as there is only one other guy who is an atheist in there too. If I happen to say anything about god not existing or that I'm an atheist or that alcoholism isn't a ******* spiritual lacking , I get passive aggressive death stares... It's quite cliquey that way and can be very dangerous to a newcomer who is drenched in religion for a physical and mental ailment (I will never believe that my alcoholism is a 'disease').

So many things alienate people like myself from believing that we're doing the right thing by our own standards..
Drinking here in Australia is a national and cultural EXPECTATION and I had to quite literally take myself out of it to get some form of clarity. So yes, sobriety can be profoundly lonely.. we drank when we were lonely but now that we can no longer drink, we have to find other ways to get a similar sense of belonging , even if that drunken belonging that felt so amazingly good at the time was a lie.

Sober people need to think abstractly. I fall in to this trap a lot so I'm thinking of starting a meet up group in the new year in my town for the many and varied interests I have.

Sober people need to BUILD these things and then invite people to attend, because I don't think non drinking things exist in a vacuum. We need to create them and show people that life can be very meaningful without alcohol.. (I know that's a total oxymoron LOl), life is waaay more meaningful without hangovers and one night stands.

 

[WhisprWriter]

Can anyone out there relate? I loathe the bar scene. I find the pursuit of getting inebriated to be repugnant and I avoid being around people who drink at all costs. I suppose this is because I grew up with an alcoholic father and it killed my soul to watch the drink turn him into a bumbling *****. Seems like this kind of aversion in and of itself is a recipe to a lifetime of loneliness - just about everyone drinks. Throw in a back injury that prevents me from doing my favorite activities (weight lifting, etc), and I have been by myself now for going on 8 years. It's the kind of loneliness and feeling of being disconnected that makes suicide a rationale choice in my mental repertoire.

Unfortunately the bar scene here is pretty much one of the most 'fruitful' social scenes at least from what I've seen.

I got over drinking shortly after I exited high-school, as well as dumping my habit of 420 all day every day. For some reason, people see these as valuable ways to meet people - but I would say that is backwards isn't it? I suppose it has more to do with the loss of inhibition making it easier to approach people, but getting to know someone when they are sober seems more positive to me.

As far as suicide being a rational choice - It may help to adopt the policy of 'the best standards are low standards'. What I mean by that is if you have something coming from either you or society holding you back from your current social desires perhaps change that direction to where something else can be fulfilling. Perhaps something as simple as this forum - perhaps just randomly talking to people in chatrooms etc, or the company of a writer speaking to you through their books. If you have HIGH standards for these things, you will be frequently disappointed. If they are low, you will be frequently pleased with how well things have gone. A positive experience vs a negative one. that's at least how I've operated, I don't know if it would work for anyone else.

Either way, riding it out until the skies clear i would say is the best option, and implore you to do the same. Situations change, and if they are really crap right now, the chance of them getting better is fairly high