The loneliness of sobriety

[Lost_in_necropolis]

Can anyone out there relate? I loathe the bar scene. I find the pursuit of getting inebriated to be repugnant and I avoid being around people who drink at all costs. I suppose this is because I grew up with an alcoholic father and it killed my soul to watch the drink turn him into a bumbling idiot. Seems like this kind of aversion in and of itself is a recipe to a lifetime of loneliness - just about everyone drinks. Throw in a back injury that prevents me from doing my favorite activities (weight lifting, etc), and I have been by myself now for going on 8 years. It's the kind of loneliness and feeling of being disconnected that makes suicide a rationale choice in my mental repertoire.

 

[J.Osterman]

I must have been about ten years old when I told myself I would never drink. Though my father drank at the time, he was not a heavy drinker. His friends were the heavy drinkers. They'd hang out with my dad in the garage or come with us to go fishing and camping. Seeing them drunk is what led me to make that decision. But, as I came of drinking age, I gave in, largely out of fear of being the "odd one." I did acquire a taste for some things, but it was more to socialize. Even so, it always bugged me that I gave in. Especially when I ended up drunk myself, a couple of times embarrassingly so. I would fluctuate between periods of drinking and not drinking until, several years ago, I decided it wasn't for me. I wasn't a heavy drinker, so it wasn't hard giving it up in that sense. The fear of being left out though, did trouble me. Still, for several of my closest friends at the time, drinking was pretty much all they wanted to do and that was definitely not what I wanted.

Thankfully, I have several friends who either don't drink at all, or don't drink often or heavily. I tend to avoid environments where heavy drinking is taking place, so I can relate some to not being fond of bars or crazy parties. Which isn't to say I won't show up to those places. But once they get too out-of-hand, yeah, that's my cue to exit. I guess you just have to find other activities you can take up or enjoy and keep your eyes open for light or non-drinkers. We're out there. Just be ready for folks trying to hijack you as a designated driver!

 

[red guy]

Sorry I cannot relate. Best memories I have are related to friends and I getting hammered. I understand that seeing a loved one going to the extreme made you not like it.
Everything (as in before stepping into some else's rights) can be good. But all things require moderation.
I am the one to preach... I am an alcoholic (now) because of loneliness.

 

[LonelySutton]

Thankfully, I have several friends who either don't drink at all, or don't drink often or heavily. I tend to avoid environments where heavy drinking is taking place, so I can relate some to not being fond of bars or crazy parties.

I also don't drink and I do feel it really limits my social interactions. Alcohol actually makes me sick, I get horrible heartburn immediately. But people are so stupid and insist that I drink to make them feel better. Usually it is probably the end of the relationship because I don't want any friend who thinks that is ok.

I also have a problem with eating. I am fat and I don't see why other people seem bound and determined to make me fatter by wanting to go out to restaurants.

Why can't we just sit and talk or watch tv or something?

 

[dd11]

You dont have to drink. But just get in the spirit of the fun.

 

[lifestream]

My father is an alcoholic and my sister has been in AA for several years now. I've seen both sides of that coin: from the person downing a bottle of vodka every night, unable to admit to having a problem, to the person who has become so invested in the program that they've lost the ability to think for themselves. It's best to avoid that whole minefield at all costs.

 

[Peaches]

there are plenty of things to do without drinking alcohol, which include hanging out in cool bars, but unfortunately a number of people don't recognise that.
Some months ago I met up again with some mates from my hometown, and I had a lot of invites in the span of some weeks - then I made it really clear that I didn't drink (normally I fake it, I take a glass of wine and sip it so slowly that half of it stays there, but they noticed) and the invites stopped cold. To mention that these people are borderline boozers, and that drinking is the highlight of their lives, so I can understand, but I can imagine a large part of the world thinks like that. Sad...
I used to drink socially more than a bit, but I never pursued it because it made me feel so sick afterwards, and I hate feeling drunk.

 

[LonelySutton]

(normally I fake it, I take a glass of wine and sip it so slowly that half of it stays there, but they noticed) and the invites stopped cold. To mention that these people are borderline boozers, and that drinking is the highlight of their lives, so I can understand,

That happens to me too. They are obsessed with watching me if I do get a drink. So that makes me think I have been invited only so they could see me drunk. And that is a trust breaker for me.

It is funny when I was younger I was able to find far more people who didn't drink and were interested in going for coffee. Now most of my friends are from work and I swear, they all use alcohol just to survive.

 

[Triple Bogey]

there are plenty of things to do without drinking alcohol, which include hanging out in cool bars, but unfortunately a number of people don't recognise that.
Some months ago I met up again with some mates from my hometown, and I had a lot of invites in the span of some weeks - then I made it really clear that I didn't drink (normally I fake it, I take a glass of wine and sip it so slowly that half of it stays there, but they noticed) and the invites stopped cold. To mention that these people are borderline boozers, and that drinking is the highlight of their lives, so I can understand, but I can imagine a large part of the world thinks like that. Sad...
I used to drink socially more than a bit, but I never pursued it because it made me feel so sick afterwards, and I hate feeling drunk.

I don't like drinking much either. One bottle of beer is enough for me.
But yes some people drinking is their lives. They don't do anything else.

 

[ardour]

I witnessed my father using cannabis which put right off ever trying it (or drugs in general), so I sort of understand your aversion.

Bars are terrible places to try and socialize. Very frustrating having to yell in someone's face just to be heard.

 

[Despicable Me]

There are just as many people who go out and do things unrelated to drinking as there are people who do.
You just have to know where to go to find them. And if you look pretty much absolutely anywhere that isn't a bar you'll find them.

Different kinds of people enjoy different kinds of places. That's all you really need to know to understand my point.
Drunks like bars. Weight-lifters like gyms. Readers like the Library. 'Avant Gardes' usually enjoy coffee houses or art galleries. Gamers and Computer enthusiasts usually like the movies, game stores, or stay at home and go online to talk to people.
You decide what you like, what kind of people you want to be around, and you go and do those things with those people. It's called 'finding people with common interests'.

I understand where you are coming from, as I can't even seem to get drunk even if I want to, and it does appear to be more difficult to socialize 'easily' when you're not doing what a lot of people seem to enjoy doing. However, if you simply realize that all these people are doing is sharing a common interest, albeit one which inhibits their impulse controls, then you will realize that socializing in general is usually very easy for everyone and that it only requires exploring ones' own interests.

While the effects of alcohol possibly do eliminate some of the fears of socializing and make it easier for people to open up to each other, it is not really necessary. One simply needs to commit themselves to forming lasting relationships and eliminate their own fears of opening up to others. It is likely that the people who enjoy drinking with others likely were somewhat outgoing or extroverted in the first place.

P.S. If you're unable to physically enjoy some things, like weight-lifting, then find something else that interests you. Know your own limitations. Human beings are not one-dimensional creatures. Explore and discover.

 

[msbxa]

I used to drink a lot more when I was younger. But I've made myself sick far enough times; I think I had alcohol poisoning on a few occasions.
Now when I drink, all it really does is make me feel like crap for the most part. Have trouble sleeping as well.
Alcohol brings all kinds of problems... And it really is just a waste of money and of your precious life/time.
Not drinking alcohol is a blessing, not a curse.

As far as not being able to weight-lift, me as a weight-lifter myself, I know that would really suck if I could not do it anymore.
However, just because you have a back injury, does not necessarily mean you have to stop.
You could just not do certain exercises. Or just go really easy on certain exercises.
Or you could take up some recreation or sport instead (there are lots of options) that won't aggravate your back. That is what I would consider.

 

[Oldyoung]

Agree with OP. Sobriety makes you an outcast (self experienced). Maybe you should just throw in the towel and try to enjoy it? People like different things when it comes to drinking after all. Some hate clubs, love the sports pubs. Others are the opposite. Perhaps there is a way you can drink too, without hating it.

And this about your back sucks. I'd try to explore other activities and hobbies that don't impact your back. Maybe you can't think of anything you'd like to do, but then this can be your hobby: Try new things. Maybe it'll take a long time, but at some point you'll find something you enjoy that you probably didn't consider until you gave it a try.

Good luck.

 

[stork_error]

To me drinking is a ridiculous activity where you poison your brain in an effort to laugh and act silly because the ego is incapable of coping with the perceptions of others in an unprotected state. In essence, people are too bloody afraid to let their defences down and be themselves and act joyous and silly and risk being judged. By drinking, you always have an excuse for your behaviour if it wasn't socially acceptable and with that, the ego is protected because it wasn't you right... it was the booze...

"I was so wasted man...I don't know what i did. That wasn't me, it was the booze".

vs

" Yes I'm 30 years old but I felt regressive emotions at the party because my x was there and when i saw him with his new mate, i cried because it hurt a lot."

The first example is much more socially acceptable because you are separated from the behaviour. The first example means you drank too much ( you were in a state) and the second example means you are an emotional basket case. ( this is a trait )

States are much more forgiving than traits.

 

[sk66rc]

I don't know if I can say I can relate but I sortta can understand... Though I never grew up with an alcoholics, I've known a few... They weren't really a close friends or anything, more like acquaintances... I've seen negative effects of alcohols & who hasn't, really... My problem is I like drinking... So much so that I scared myself out of drinking... When I was younger, I remember a time when I passed out in my driveway with my car running... And I think that was the point in my life that I realized I shouldn't drink like that anymore... Up until that point, often I've wondered if I was an alcoholic... So I tried stop drinking & I've never had any problem with stopping... I'd go months without drinking & I never had an urge to drink... I just liked it when I did... There was one time I haven't had a drink of any kind (alcoholic drinks) for about 2 years... Just stopped cold turkey & haven't touched it for 2 years... Never had any desire to drink... Then on someone's birthday, had 2 beers... Then nothing for another 6 month... So I never consider myself as an alcoholic... It's something I've enjoyed... To this day, I have few drinks here & there but I know I can easily become one so I try to space them out... As bar scene goes, I don't really like bar scenes either... I do go once in a while to meet up with friends but I go for company of my friends then the scene... I really don't like club scene all that much either...

 

[ardour]

To me drinking is a ridiculous activity where you poison your brain in an effort to laugh and act silly because the ego is incapable of coping with the perceptions of others in an unprotected state. In essence, people are too bloody afraid to let their defences down and be themselves and act joyous and silly and risk being judged. By drinking, you always have an excuse for your behaviour if it wasn't socially acceptable and with that, the ego is protected because it wasn't you right... it was the booze...

"I was so wasted man...I don't know what i did. That wasn't me, it was the booze".

vs

" Yes I'm 30 years old but I felt regressive emotions at the party because my x was there and when i saw him with his new mate, i cried because it hurt a lot."

The first example is much more socially acceptable because you are separated from the behaviour. The first example means you drank too much ( you were in a state) and the second example means you are an emotional basket case. ( this is a trait )

States are much more forgiving than traits.

The second explanation actually seems more understandable than blaming the booze.

This puritan drinking = fall-down-drunk argument is really quite annoying. Some of us don't get wasted. A couple of drinks can act as a mild social lubricant, not an excuse for bad behaviour.

 

[red guy]

To me drinking is a ridiculous activity where you poison your brain in an effort to laugh and act silly because the ego is incapable of coping with the perceptions of others in an unprotected state. In essence, people are too bloody afraid to let their defences down and be themselves and act joyous and silly and risk being judged. By drinking, you always have an excuse for your behaviour if it wasn't socially acceptable and with that, the ego is protected because it wasn't you right... it was the booze...

"I was so wasted man...I don't know what i did. That wasn't me, it was the booze".

vs

" Yes I'm 30 years old but I felt regressive emotions at the party because my x was there and when i saw him with his new mate, i cried because it hurt a lot."

The first example is much more socially acceptable because you are separated from the behaviour. The first example means you drank too much ( you were in a state) and the second example means you are an emotional basket case. ( this is a trait )

States are much more forgiving than traits.

The second explanation actually seems more understandable than blaming the booze.

This puritan drinking = fall-down-drunk argument is really quite annoying. Some of us don't get wasted. A couple of drinks is a a mild social lubricant to help you relax and act more like yourself, not excuse bad behaviour.

Very true.

 

[Lost_in_necropolis]

There are just as many people who go out and do things unrelated to drinking as there are people who do.
You just have to know where to go to find them. And if you look pretty much absolutely anywhere that isn't a bar you'll find them.

Different kinds of people enjoy different kinds of places. That's all you really need to know to understand my point.
Drunks like bars. Weight-lifters like gyms. Readers like the Library. 'Avant Gardes' usually enjoy coffee houses or art galleries. Gamers and Computer enthusiasts usually like the movies, game stores, or stay at home and go online to talk to people.
You decide what you like, what kind of people you want to be around, and you go and do those things with those people. It's called 'finding people with common interests'.

I understand where you are coming from, as I can't even seem to get drunk even if I want to, and it does appear to be more difficult to socialize 'easily' when you're not doing what a lot of people seem to enjoy doing. However, if you simply realize that all these people are doing is sharing a common interest, albeit one which inhibits their impulse controls, then you will realize that socializing in general is usually very easy for everyone and that it only requires exploring ones' own interests.

While the effects of alcohol possibly do eliminate some of the fears of socializing and make it easier for people to open up to each other, it is not really necessary. One simply needs to commit themselves to forming lasting relationships and eliminate their own fears of opening up to others. It is likely that the people who enjoy drinking with others likely were somewhat outgoing or extroverted in the first place.

P.S. If you're unable to physically enjoy some things, like weight-lifting, then find something else that interests you. Know your own limitations. Human beings are not one-dimensional creatures. Explore and discover.

You presume a lot about me by giving me your advice. Explore and discover? You don't know anything about me.

 

[there is no hope]

I can't understand what normals get from public intoxication. They sure don't need an excuse to act like ********, since they do so way too often.

I can get alcoholism and drinking for muscle relaxant, but is the latter - perhaps the only really useful aspect of alcohol consumption - that earns the most social scorn. It's amazing, society goes out of its way to tolerate and justify alcoholism and pothead culture even when they victimize so many people, but people who prefer to drink alone so they can actually enjoy the buzz are treated like crap.

I make a point not to drink socially, because most people who insist on public intoxication are the worst sort of people, sober or not.
Then they call me retarded.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I can't understand what normals get from public intoxication. They sure don't need an excuse to act like ********, since they do so way too often.

I make a point not to drink socially, because most people who insist on public intoxication are the worst sort of people, sober or not.
Then they call me retarded.

You don't have to be "normal" to be an *******......

Wow, look at you making generalizations....isn't that nice.