The one thing... no other man has.

[Finished]

Omfg Finished, this is so well broken down, ******* hell my brain is like... come on miss psychology pants, why have you never done the math. Thanks, oh god, I was thinking I was just toxic, but theres this hidden mind game.

Yes. BUT, your mind has had the sweet taste of the low to high difference. So, you have to out think what your mind is craving. You can do it. But, like drugs, it takes time, effort, and you may have relapses. So, you should NOT be punishing yourself for it. You did NOT create the situation. You merely are reacting to it.

IMO, the first thing one should do is continually say to yourself that abuse is NOT acceptable ever, period! You ARE worthy of a loving, caring realtionship without abuse. You are a beautiful person! As you learn to realize and believe this, as you should, you'll start to realize how controlling and unhealthy the previous relationship really was. Then you can have a successful healthy relationship.

But, then you'll have to fix the guy because 80% of them are just ********. Ha! ha! Then there are those you know how all of this works and does it solely for the purpose to make the other person their slave. Those guys are the ones that I want to beat the honeysuckle out of.

 

[insecure]

I thought it was love you see, I thought he loved me, despite the abuse, I thought thats honestly what love looked like, still to this day I think, maybe he did love me... sometimes, then I remember love is not that.

I understand, this was what he offered you, so you thought love must look like that.

It's my lacking English skills with this one, it's not what I want, you dont miss the beatings you miss the care, the unrealistic care someone once had for you, the care no one will ever give you.

I also miss that woman who gave me lots of attention, who flattered me a lot (it always seems to work, even if I know they're flattering me), who would send me a bookmark she made herself with my name on it.
I loved that I got messages from her throughout the day, the long conversations we had.
The games of scrabble we played.
Once she was out of of my life it was like I had to think how to fill up all that time again, I was hooked.
But even though her obsessive love was a bit over the top, she was never aggressive to me.
It is possible to make someone feel very special and loved without beating the honeysuckle out of them, you know.

 

[Claudia1794]

But, the two are linked together. This needs to be understood! The lows take you way down. Say to -50. So, then a high comes +80 and it feels SUPER high because you were so low 50+80=130 difference. That's like crack to your brain!

If you had a constant nice guy, which is how I roll, say I love you +80, you are pretty +85, you are smart +75, etc, etc, etc, the difference would be very little 85-80=5 difference. That's boring! It's too easy to get used to that. You would continually hover around say 80 points. While that's great! It does not compare to 130 points.

This is why women feel like men that abuse them are so much more intense with their feelings of love. They really aren't. I use this to train people, like my neighbors. It's just basic positive and negative reinforcement. But, it's powerful and it works.

Negative reinforcement can be very effective without the physical aspect. Its just basic behavior training. People that bring violence into are simply abusive and are trying to assert dominance with fear. Adults in a vulnerable state of mind are more likely to respond to the whole positive and negative reinforcements. Apart from growing up and learning that's basically all parents are doing I've actually had a person break me from certain behaviors doing this exact thing. He was a complete psychopath that went about it in a not so conventional way but it did make me stronger. Important thing is you have to have mental strength or you are more likely to be prey to people who are like this. Never be someone's punching bag.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I was also feeling what others said earlier - the way he acted about you, seemed more possessive than romantic, like someone would about showing off their car.

Also I just wanted to say that men beating their partners, is neither OK, nor is it normal. It's not just something you have to grin and bear, take the good with the bad, or something like that. If you ask me, it negates any other good thing he had to offer.

Like others have said, it doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship to me, and like you yourself have said, it was all smoke and mirrors. Sometimes we want things to work so badly with someone, that we'll let ourselves see what we want to see in that person, and ignore the glaringly bright red flags.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Started off nice enough, then this happened.
Just for reference, from what you wrote, plenty of guys can offer you that. The wealth part, not so much. But is it that really important to you? Because most wealthy young men are utter jackoffs.

I have to agree.
I understand the desire to live the lifestyle you're accustomed to - or at the very least, to do no worse than what you grew up with as normal. But at the same time, I feel like wealth and youth are a dangerous combination.

If you grow up in environments and situations where everyone and everything around you seems to send you the message of, "I am better than other people, I am an inherently superior being", then why wouldn't you believe it? Especially if you're young and don't know any better, or differently. I imagine it's pretty easy to think that the world, and everyone in it, are your toys to play with - or break - as you see fit. If life never tells you "no", then it's hard to learn to get along with other people, because life doesn't make you do it.

Most people don't seem to think critically enough to avoid this, because most people don't seem to think critically in general unless something influences them to, or makes them. They have no reason to do it on their own, so they would have no reason to question their beliefs that they're superior - nor would they want to.

 

[charlotte craig]

If he's not spending the majority of his day looking at or thinking about boobies he's probably gay Princess.

pmsl. My husband is not at all gay but he has better things to do than think about sex all of the time. How childish.

 

[user 135671]

pmsl. My husband is not at all gay but he has better things to do than think about sex all of the time. How childish.

Yeah, I'd say it was pretty crass too, you know like those idiots that are always belittling people or bragging about how well off they are but hey, what do I know.

 

[charlotte craig]

I was also feeling what others said earlier - the way he acted about you, seemed more possessive than romantic, like someone would about showing off their car.

Also I just wanted to say that men beating their partners, is neither OK, nor is it normal. It's not just something you have to grin and bear, take the good with the bad, or something like that. If you ask me, it negates any other good thing he had to offer.

Like others have said, it doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship to me, and like you yourself have said, it was all smoke and mirrors. Sometimes we want things to work so badly with someone, that we'll let ourselves see what we want to see in that person, and ignore the glaringly bright red flags.

Yes men beating their partner is not normal - you end it straight away then no matter what.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Yes men beating their partner is not normal - you end it straight away then no matter what.

I've let men batter and abuse me for far too long, I dont want that anymore I want love and care

 

[charlotte craig]

I have had men try to, but they were soon dumped or in trouble with police or both.
IF you make sure you are financially stable and have a nice home you can walk away easy and quick.

 

[charlotte craig]

Yeah, I'd say it was pretty crass too, you know like those idiots that are always belittling people or bragging about how well off they are but hey, what do I know.

Look up the term introverted snob and see how it fits you.

 

[user 135671]

I love when people think they've had the last word and in reality all you did was to let them continue to show off their pompous arrogance You can't fix stupid!.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I have had men try to, but they were soon dumped or in trouble with police or both.
IF you make sure you are financially stable and have a nice home you can walk away easy and quick.

Honestly Charlotte, and I always made a zillion excuses but in truth I stayed for our "family", I went back to him a zillion times trying my best for our family, always for our daughter, I'd walk through fire for her, I let him hurt me, trying to be the best me for her. Still I feel guilt every time she tells me she wants him to live at mine again. Its so hard to let her down, to not be able to give her what she wants, because it's something I longed for my whole life too, a family.

 

[okidoke]

@ceno I read thru all the thread. I can’t add much except to your last comment.

You’re not doing your daughter any favours by going back to him. Kids notice stuff. She will have issues herself with men. I don’t think you’d want her to have any negative relationships because of what she has “learned” from yours.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

@ceno I read thru all the thread. I can’t add much except to your last comment.

You’re not doing your daughter any favours by going back to him. Kids notice stuff. She will have issues herself with men. I don’t think you’d want her to have any negative relationships because of what she has “learned” from yours.

No thats very true, my ex grew up watching his dad beat his mother, he told me so many times he never wants to be "that man" but... yeah, I wanted so badly to give our daughter what I never had but it just dont work like that I had to make hard choices. I feel immense guilt that we couldn't be "normal" for her sake, however I am pretty sure im never going back to him again.

 

[charlotte craig]

Honestly Charlotte, and I always made a zillion excuses but in truth I stayed for our "family", I went back to him a zillion times trying my best for our family, always for our daughter, I'd walk through fire for her, I let him hurt me, trying to be the best me for her. Still I feel guilt every time she tells me she wants him to live at mine again. Its so hard to let her down, to not be able to give her what she wants, because it's something I longed for my whole life too, a family.

No you went back to him because you thought you could change him and he would become much nicer if you kept forgiving him. And end up loving you and caring for you, you werent fair to daughter by staying. He showed her about bad relationships not good ones, he could have been violent and abusive with her too. Get a job. Get a nice place and money behind you and you never have to be needy or settle. I was abused by my mother father and stepfather, if I had not got self educated, studied, passed exams, spent a lot of time on working lots of different part time jobs I would never have escaped or had a real decent happy life.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

No you went back to him because you thought you could change him and he would become much nicer if you kept forgiving him. And end up loving you and caring for you, you werent fair to daughter by staying. He showed her about bad relationships not good ones, he could have been violent and abusive with her too. Get a job. Get a nice place and money behind you and you never have to be needy or settle. I was abused by my mother father and stepfather, if I had not got self educated, studied, passed exams, spent a lot of time on working lots of different part time jobs I would never have escaped or had a real decent happy life.

This site... No... I know why I stayed, I know it was to try and be a good mum, the beatings didn't feel as bad as I feel everyday feeling like I failed her and robbed her from the one thing I felt was robbed from me. I'd rather the bruises and hospital trips and police and everything over whats she's going through. I know now nothing good came of staying but I remember getting phone calls and voice notes of my daughter unable to cope without me constantly after I was forced to leave him, I went back thinking okay, we will try again, and again, and again. Deep down my thoughts was if we keep trying we'll get it right, for her. not me, im middle classed not working class, his own brother wanted to date me, I was never short on options, if I was cold I would have walked away and never looked back. He knew I could do that to him but... not to her, never.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

View attachment 6398


No other man has that one thing my ex had in droves, well aside from his wealth,
He had this ability to make me feel beautiful, every time he was with me, never once did I catch him looking at anyone else,
I always had his undivided attention, affection, admiration, it became like an addiction.
Sometimes, I would look at another girl in a revealing outfit and think "when I turn around I bet he's looking at her"...
Only to find, nope, just me, just looking at me while I am... looking at her.. okay that just got weird lol
But you know what I mean... he told the world about me, he'd show me off, I'd be his display on WhatsApp, his wallpaper,
He used to call me his "fantasy girl", he would buy me outfits, treat me like you know.. like I was his. In fact, he still acts like this with me till this day.
I am still his display pic on WhatsApp, I am still his wallpaper, he has a girlfriend and still keeps it there, no idea why she don't slap him (joke joke)
I know it was all smoke and mirrors, I know it wasn't true, I know he messed a zillion girls one girl behind my back,
I know he beat me more times than he kissed me, so maybe I just expect men to live up to this unrealistic expectation because i'm a toxic skank...
But thats what makes it so confusing... so hard to really leave him... because no other man has even pretended? to want me that much...
No other man could ever want me that much, he literally would have worn a top with my face on it, if I look down he'd stop everything to make sure I was okay,
Where do you find something like that, that is pure, that is real?... I just don't know... should you even want something like that or is my narcissism peeking through again...

Did he make you feel beautiful and special while he was beating you up? You know, sometimes I'm almost convinced you're just here to troll.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Did he make you feel beautiful and special while he was beating you up? You know, sometimes I'm almost convinced you're just here to troll.

Sometimes I think you people on this site wont be happy till you’ve driven me to suicide… leave me alone I didnt even say anything like that I said it was an illusion he sold me…. I was talking about how when he was with me he never even glanced at another women ever… yet he cheated and beat me im not sure where im trolling here but like I said you can always IGNORE me im not some celeb on here Jesus.

The amount of people who just have to talk to me is unreal

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Sometimes I think you people on this site wont be happy till you’ve driven me to suicide… leave me alone I didnt even say anything like that I said it was an illusion he sold me…. I was talking about how when he was with me he never even glanced at another women ever… yet he cheated and beat me im not sure where im trolling here but like I said you can always IGNORE me im not some celeb on here Jesus.

The amount of people who just have to talk to me is unreal

But by posting this stuff on here, you're putting it out in the public domain for it to be commented on. It's nothing to do with anyone thinking you're a celebrity.