The Price of Admission

[Case]

The subject of relationship dealbreakers comes up quite a bit here, and with that in mind, I found this video today of Dan Savage, author of "American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics," where he is asked a question from the audience about dealbreakers.

In his reply, he not only discusses relationship dealbreakers and how many you ought to have, he touches on the subject of "the one," and he talks about the topic of compromising and whether it's necessary to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

I must say that I just kept nodding and muttering "Yep" as I watched this video. lol - It's hilarious to me that it takes a gay male in a long-term relationship to sum up what I have felt all these years about every hetero relationship I've ever been in. It was amazing how he nailed it, in my opinion.

Here's the video. If you want to read an excerpt instead, click the link below the video.

[video=youtube]

http://www.brainpickings.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/

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Assuming you watched the video or read the excerpt, I think he's right. There is no perfect mate waiting for us. No one on Earth will ever be "the one" for us. And if you have 6 or more dealbreakers, the issue is not them. It's you. I've never felt that humans were that simplistic to ever believe that any woman was "perfect" for me. There are hundreds upon hundreds of individual likes and dislikes we have at any given moment, opinions about things of every size and shape and philosophy, we have our little annoyances, and the like, and they constantly change. How can we expect someone to match us like a puzzle piece? It's insane. And the more hard-nosed we are about these demands we have in a mate, the more we will suffer from continued disappointment in our love lives. The more we consider compromise to be a dirty word, the more rigid our standards for what we will accept, the more likely we will be alone.

Anyway, I thought someone here might be able to relate to this.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^I'm a pretty big fan of Dan Savage. Love it.

 

[Case]

^^^I'm a pretty big fan of Dan Savage. Love it.

I wasn't familiar with him, but have been binge-watching his videos on YT. Very entertaining speaker.

 

[LonelySutton]

I think that is very wise. It is one reason I have suggested "arranged" marriages are not so insane. I think most of my friends who are married have a very different outlook. They find someone who they merely can deal with. They don't have to be particularly pretty or particularly wise... and they commit. They aren't going to be married until they get sick of that person... they are going to be with that person forever, for as much reason as when people ask their favorite color they say blue.

Taken from this perspective things seem much more reasonable and easy.

I think I had the misfortune of growing up in a generation where it was sort of drilled into our head that you had to be "in love" in this strange sort of desire way... but that sort of "in love" typically fades and is destructive. It has been drilled into our heads that the person who we are with has to be "all about us" and that implies that each doesn't compromise and or compromise is a dirty word. When spouses cheat and all typically my friends say "he doesn't love you so you should divorce him" but to me it is a different issue... it is like, he isn't mature enough to commit to what marriage is supposed to be. Two people for life. He doesn't want marriage really.. so let him go and find someone who wants marriage.

I feel like a problem lately is that people are all stuck in this wrong headed idea of what love is and it is very hard to get people to think outside of that box.

 

[Mistborn10]

Dan Savage is great. I used to read his Savage Love in the Onion every week in college. Always put a smile on my face.

 

[blackdot]

Assuming you watched the video or read the excerpt, I think he's right. There is no perfect mate waiting for us. No one on Earth will ever be "the one" for us. And if you have 6 or more dealbreakers, the issue is not them. It's you.

Not necessarily. The one person I "dated" was absolutely perfect for me. I had a lot of things I was 100% picky about and there was no one that was going to fit those things yet she did. I used to joke that some people play hard to get while I play impossible to get. Sometimes you do find someone that perfectly matches what you want. Unfortunately her only downside was being bi-polar and suicidal.

I am less picky these days but I also understand that if I ever do find someone that is a lower standard, it probably won't work out anyways.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I approve.

 

[kamya]

Dan Savage is my favorite gay dood.

 

[Case]

Assuming you watched the video or read the excerpt, I think he's right. There is no perfect mate waiting for us. No one on Earth will ever be "the one" for us. And if you have 6 or more dealbreakers, the issue is not them. It's you.

Not necessarily. The one person I "dated" was absolutely perfect for me. I had a lot of things I was 100% picky about and there was no one that was going to fit those things yet she did. I used to joke that some people play hard to get while I play impossible to get. Sometimes you do find someone that perfectly matches what you want. Unfortunately her only downside was being bi-polar and suicidal.

I am less picky these days but I also understand that if I ever do find someone that is a lower standard, it probably won't work out anyways.

I can't speak for your experience because only you can determine how perfect it really was. All I know is that I have dated enough women in my own life to know that "perfect" is a fantasy.

Oh sure. We may think they are perfect right at the beginning, but wait five or ten years and then see how "perfect" they will seem. Everyone (both men and women) has annoying traits and less-than-sexy habits, and when we move in together there will be at least one thing they do that will drive us insane, just like Savage describes in the video. Living with people is often the biggest (and most important) test of a relationship's staying power, and it also can show us exactly the price we are willing to pay to "ride that ride."

 

[blackdot]

I can't speak for your experience because only you can determine how perfect it really was. All I know is that I have dated enough women in my own life to know that "perfect" is a fantasy.

Oh sure. We may think they are perfect right at the beginning, but wait five or ten years and then see how "perfect" they will seem. Everyone (both men and women) has annoying traits and less-than-sexy habits, and when we move in together there will be at least one thing they do that will drive us insane, just like Savage describes in the video. Living with people is often the biggest (and most important) test of a relationship's staying power, and it also can show us exactly the price we are willing to pay to "ride that ride."

That's the thing. She and I never argued and we were like identical twins in the things we liked/hated. We were also never googly eyed about each other like young fantasy couples are so it wasn't that I was looking at it through blinders.

 

[Ymir]

I can't speak for your experience because only you can determine how perfect it really was. All I know is that I have dated enough women in my own life to know that "perfect" is a fantasy.

Oh sure. We may think they are perfect right at the beginning, but wait five or ten years and then see how "perfect" they will seem. Everyone (both men and women) has annoying traits and less-than-sexy habits, and when we move in together there will be at least one thing they do that will drive us insane, just like Savage describes in the video. Living with people is often the biggest (and most important) test of a relationship's staying power, and it also can show us exactly the price we are willing to pay to "ride that ride."

That's the thing. She and I never argued and we were like identical twins in the things we liked/hated. We were also never googly eyed about each other like young fantasy couples are so it wasn't that I was looking at it through blinders.

You can't really say that for sure.

 

[Case]

I can't speak for your experience because only you can determine how perfect it really was. All I know is that I have dated enough women in my own life to know that "perfect" is a fantasy.

Oh sure. We may think they are perfect right at the beginning, but wait five or ten years and then see how "perfect" they will seem. Everyone (both men and women) has annoying traits and less-than-sexy habits, and when we move in together there will be at least one thing they do that will drive us insane, just like Savage describes in the video. Living with people is often the biggest (and most important) test of a relationship's staying power, and it also can show us exactly the price we are willing to pay to "ride that ride."

That's the thing. She and I never argued and we were like identical twins in the things we liked/hated. We were also never googly eyed about each other like young fantasy couples are so it wasn't that I was looking at it through blinders.

How long did this last? I am assuming that you two are not together anymore since you used the past-tense words like "dated" and "were." The end of any relationship would be the definitive definition that it was not a perfect pairing.

 

[blackdot]

I can't speak for your experience because only you can determine how perfect it really was. All I know is that I have dated enough women in my own life to know that "perfect" is a fantasy.

Oh sure. We may think they are perfect right at the beginning, but wait five or ten years and then see how "perfect" they will seem. Everyone (both men and women) has annoying traits and less-than-sexy habits, and when we move in together there will be at least one thing they do that will drive us insane, just like Savage describes in the video. Living with people is often the biggest (and most important) test of a relationship's staying power, and it also can show us exactly the price we are willing to pay to "ride that ride."

That's the thing. She and I never argued and we were like identical twins in the things we liked/hated. We were also never googly eyed about each other like young fantasy couples are so it wasn't that I was looking at it through blinders.

How long did this last? I am assuming that you two are not together anymore since you used the past-tense words like "dated" and "were." The end of any relationship would be the definitive definition that it was not a perfect pairing.

2 years.
No, not together. She pushed me away because she was bi-polar and wanted me to date someone more "normal" and then she killed herself.

 

[Case]

How long did this last? I am assuming that you two are not together anymore since you used the past-tense words like "dated" and "were." The end of any relationship would be the definitive definition that it was not a perfect pairing.

2 years.
No, not together. She pushed me away because she was bi-polar and wanted me to date someone more "normal" and then she killed herself.

Hmm. Do you still feel that she was perfect for you even after she pushed you away?

 

[blackdot]

Yes. There will never be anyone else like her given how old I am now.

 

[Case]

Yes. There will never be anyone else like her given how old I am now.

I don't know what your age has to do with it, but I feel sad that you feel this way.

 

[blackdot]

At 41. The options are very limited as most people are married or married before and have kids already.

 

[Case]

At 41. The options are very limited as most people are married or married before and have kids already.

Age is irrelevant. I'm several years older than you, and I see opportunities all the time. The truth is, you have a standard that no woman can live up to.

Unless you ditch the perfection idea, you will treat any woman you date as being no better than second-best to the bipolar ex. That wouldn't go down well with anyone.

 

[blackdot]

At 41. The options are very limited as most people are married or married before and have kids already.

Age is irrelevant. I'm several years older than you, and I see opportunities all the time. The truth is, you have a standard that no woman can live up to.

Unless you ditch the perfection idea, you will treat any woman you date as being no better than second-best to the bipolar ex. That wouldn't go down well with anyone.

I have ditched the perfection idea though. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have gone out with a lot of people from the dating websites.

I am not lucky enough to see opportunities all the time. I am in a community service group but have just aged out so everyone is a lot younger than I am. I work where all the women are married or were married before and have kids. When I do volunteer charity events, the females I work with will either be highschool/college aged or 60+ years old. I don't find people my age especially ones that are single.

And age isn't irrelevant if you want to have a kid one day.

 

[Case]

And age isn't irrelevant if you want to have a kid one day.

You are male, so age is not relevant. It's a larger concern for women because of the finite number of eggs and the increased risks of having children past 40. Some women do it, but it's still a risk. However, many men are able to produce semen until the day they die, barring any health issues. To achieve this goal, you can either date younger women (with the ability to bear children,) you can find a woman who has frozen her eggs and hire a surrogate to carry the child, or you can forget about all of that and date who you want and adopt. There are many options.