the value of family in isolation?

[mickey]

The only people I have on earth are my father and brother. My father will be 75 this year and might not be around that much longer, just as my mother died in 2011. I find my father hidebound and iconoclastic and have trouble getting along with him. My brother, who is 11 years younger than me, is purely a creature of duty and obligation, unable to form the concepts of freedom and liberty. Since I abhor duties and obligations and have always been all about freedom, it is impoisslbe for me and my brother to communicate effectively; or fundamental perspectives are too different. Psychologically I am completely alone on earth. This makes me wonder what real value family has to an isolated person. Would I be better off having absolutely no one at all rather than only these two people whom the random happenstance of reproduction shoved into my life? What do you think?

 

[TheRealCallie]

You're effectively playing the what if game, here. Without actually doing it, you can't really know if you would be "better off."

Personally, I think it's more a situation where it is what you make it. You could be better off where you are, you just have to change some things. Make them understand you better, tell them how you feel. Whereas, you could move and make it work or not work. Do you have some place in mind that you are thinking or is this just a passing thought/what if?

That said, I've felt the same way you have before, a long time ago. Hell, I still want to pack up and move away, but that's not an option for me anymore. At least not right now or in the foreseeable future. But, I'm okay where I'm at now. I don't really like living where I do, but I've since accepted it and am trying to make the most of it. It does help when you accept and make the best of it.

 

[lifestream]

Hey mickey.

I felt for many years that family was crucial, until I realised how much damage and pain it was causing in my life. I deliberately drifted apart from most of my family after I realised this. As painful as that process was, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made, emotionally. I've never looked back. The closest thing that I have to family nowadays would be my best friend and her mother but even that becomes too reminiscent of my actual family sometimes, so I do have to put distance between them and me occasionally.

From your description, it doesn't sound like your family promote much good feeling in your life. If you genuinely feel like you'd be better off alone, perhaps that's the right choice for you. I will say that as healthy as it was for me, making that choice has also been like stepping through a one-way door. Seeing my family after I'd detached from them, being around them, all sense of connection had just gone. No love for them, no joy at seeing them, not even sadness for the way things had gone. It was like observing someone else's family from a great distance.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Mickey-it might help you to try and stay in touch with your father because, as you say, he might not have many more years left and it would help you afterwards to have some warmer memories of your relationship with him. And if you don't get any warmer memories, at least you will know that you were there for him at the end. At 75 I doubt that he will change, so it would mean accepting him as he is, however difficult this is for you.
Re. your brother- could you just stay in touch occasionally?

 

[Solitary man]

I don't have any family. I'm a chronic loner, social recluse and a misanthrope who has been alone for many years. I find that whilst these sites are great for offloading your thoughts and receiving some feedback, the only real and important person in your life is you. Your father, brother etc. are not crucial to your survival. The only person who matters in your life is you. If you're isolated, other people can be a real help, but if you feel that your life is dependent on one other person being there for you, then you've got it wrong. You must be there for yourself.

 

[Seeker_2.0]

One Hundred Years of Solitude showcases perfectly the damage an isolated family can have on the children. I wouldn't go that way, you are highly probable to outlive most of your family anyway.

 

[jason2023]

Hey, I'm glad you're "awake" and see it at a higher level, rather than, this is the norm I live in because they're "family" and not realising these things. This means if or when you have children of your own you can perhaps do it a better way (if upbringing does have some bearing).

Looking in the past is pointless. It cannot be changed. So don't ask these what-if questions.

All I can say is try to get along with them. We take so many things for granted, under-value them, until we don't have them. I realise action is harder than words, especially since you're the one making an initiative to do something that is different. We must in this world put our egos aside from time to time (not necessarily saying you in particular have an ego).

 

[mickey]

People have touched on a huge difference between me and my father and brother. They are all about the family, as if blood relations had some kind of sacred value. I see family as purely a bunch of random accidents--people who get thrown into your life without your being able to choose whether to associate with them at all, and very often people who are completely incompatible with you. The accidental nature of family makes most people incompatible with some members of their families. In the case of a spouse at least you made a choice, wise or foolish, to spend the rest of your lilfe together with someone based on how good a fit you were at that time and how well you got along together. With somethhg like a parent, sibling or cousin you have ZERO choice. That has offended me for a long time and made me see my father and brother as idiots. My brother, in particular, is throwing his life away out of an exaggerated sense of family obligation. He was a respected professional in a subfield of civil engineering until he suddenly quit his job two years ago and started living off his savings, which I have reason to believe are dwindling, in order to help take care of our father and provide him with companionship following our mother's death. I find his behavior incomprehensible and, honestly, contemptible. So that's another barrier between us.

 

[Tiina63]

I can understand your brother and wouldn't say that he is throwing his life away. Unfortunately being a carer is much undervalued in a number of contemporary societies and many see it as a waste while in reality it is a vital and important role. I was a carer for my parents for a number of years-I didn't enjoy it and wasn't great at it because often I can be grumpy and selfish, but I did it and don't think they were wasted years.
Personally I think that it is up to every individual family to decide what is right for them. I don't think offspring should be pressured into caring fulltime (if possible, given that services are being cut all the time and some may have no choice but to do it)and should only do it fulltime if they chose to, but I think that if they don't do it, they have a duty to ensure that their elderly and/or unwell parents receive the care they need, be it with carers coming in every day or be it in a residential home.