Thieving stepson

[EveWasFramed]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.
I felt sorry for my husband when we were texting about the situation earlier. He was wracking his brain to figure out a way to handle the issue and still keep a relationship with his son.
I felt sorry for him to be honest. He's so afraid that the kid will stop coming around if he's too hard on him. I KNOW he needs to be hard on him but I think of my daughter's sweet face and can't imagine having to do something that would cause her to stop wanting to spend time with me.
I know something needs to be done, but it's heartbreaking to watch him worry over whether or not he'll lose his relationship with his child. The fact that he even has to be concerned about it infuriates me.
What a crappy son he would be, to ignore his own father because he got scolded for stealing.
I also can't help but think his dad has good reason to think that it might happen - I mean, he steals from children. I don't think he'd bat an eye at giving his dad the cold shoulder.
I can see my husband's ex now, saying how I ruined the father/son relationship. *rolling eyes*
So when all is said and done, is it really worth the cost to me and my child, for me to push the issue, instead of just finding the perfect hiding place? Is it worth the resentment I could be subjected to?
I just don't know.

 

[Somnambulist]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.
I felt sorry for my husband when we were texting about the situation earlier. He was wracking his brain to figure out a way to handle the issue and still keep a relationship with his son.
I felt sorry for him to be honest. He's so afraid that the kid will stop coming around if he's too hard on him. I KNOW he needs to be hard on him but I think of my daughter's sweet face and can't imagine having to do something that would cause her to stop wanting to spend time with me.
I know something needs to be done, but it's heartbreaking to watch him worry over whether or not he'll lose his relationship with his child. The fact that he even has to be concerned about it infuriates me.
What a crappy son he would be, to ignore his own father because he got scolded for stealing.
I also can't help but think his dad has good reason to think that it might happen - I mean, he steals from children. I don't think he'd bat an eye at giving his dad the cold shoulder.
I can see my husband's ex now, saying how I ruined the father/son relationship. *rolling eyes*
So when all is said and done, is it really worth the cost to me and my child, for me to push the issue, instead of just finding the perfect hiding place? Is it worth the resentment I could be subjected to?
I just don't know.

Your last three sentences shine the light through the darkness of everything above them, and they form the basis for what I would like to tell you. And, what I have to tell you is not some magical concrete solution ... it is only a different perspective I'm offering you, in the hope that you can benefit from it.

This goes for pretty much everything we do in life, really. It really helps to ask oneself, when faced with a predicament ... what is it that I am in control of ? What can I do ? And, what is it that I have to leave out of my hands ? And, when you answer those two questions, you'll often find your apparently complex situation becoming greatly simplified. It needs to be that way; otherwise, we would all go insane ! And some of us do, because we like to think that our analytical minds can foresee all possible options and/or outcomes, or worse, control them. Control of our lives is a terrible illusion ! Proof of this abounds ... in different forms.

You can only do so much. You can have a serious conversation with your family. You can be assertive, yet still not overbearing. You can prepare yourself and your daughter, physically and mentally, for the worst case scenario. You can hope for the best. What about the rest ? Then, if/when **** happens, you can deal with it. In between, it's out of your hands. You have to wait for the tennis ball to return to your court.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.
I felt sorry for my husband when we were texting about the situation earlier. He was wracking his brain to figure out a way to handle the issue and still keep a relationship with his son.
I felt sorry for him to be honest. He's so afraid that the kid will stop coming around if he's too hard on him. I KNOW he needs to be hard on him but I think of my daughter's sweet face and can't imagine having to do something that would cause her to stop wanting to spend time with me.
I know something needs to be done, but it's heartbreaking to watch him worry over whether or not he'll lose his relationship with his child. The fact that he even has to be concerned about it infuriates me.
What a crappy son he would be, to ignore his own father because he got scolded for stealing.
I also can't help but think his dad has good reason to think that it might happen - I mean, he steals from children. I don't think he'd bat an eye at giving his dad the cold shoulder.
I can see my husband's ex now, saying how I ruined the father/son relationship. *rolling eyes*
So when all is said and done, is it really worth the cost to me and my child, for me to push the issue, instead of just finding the perfect hiding place? Is it worth the resentment I could be subjected to?
I just don't know.

Your last three sentences shine the light through the darkness of everything above them, and they form the basis for what I would like to tell you. And, what I have to tell you is not some magical concrete solution ... it is only a different perspective I'm offering you, in the hope that you can benefit from it.

This goes for pretty much everything we do in life, really. It really helps to ask oneself, when faced with a predicament ... what is it that I am in control of ? What can I do ? And, what is it that I have to leave out of my hands ? And, when you answer those two questions, you'll often find your apparently complex situation becoming greatly simplified. It needs to be that way; otherwise, we would all go insane ! And some of us do, because we like to think that our analytical minds can foresee all possible options and/or outcomes, or worse, control them. Control of our lives is a terrible illusion ! Proof of this abounds ... in different forms.

You can only do so much. You can have a serious conversation with your family. You can be assertive, yet still not overbearing. You can prepare yourself and your daughter, physically and mentally, for the worst case scenario. You can hope for the best. What about the rest ? Then, if/when **** happens, you can deal with it. In between, it's out of your hands. You have to wait for the tennis ball to return to your court.

You are right, my friend. Control is an illusion for most people, if not all people. 
The cost of hiding my daughter's money where he can't find it: five minutes of my time. 
The cost of pushing for more than a stern talking to: possible family meltdown and utter chaos and feelings of resentment and possibly sadness. 
Would he pretty much get away with what he did? Sort of - my husband wants to make things right for my daughter by giving her the money he took. I don't agree with him AT ALL, as this only shows the kid that parents will right his wrongs. The boy should be responsible. My husband says the little one shouldnt suffer either. So he feels he should accept that responsibility.

So, looking at the ultimate cost of the two actions above, which makes more sense?

 

[Somnambulist]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.
I felt sorry for my husband when we were texting about the situation earlier. He was wracking his brain to figure out a way to handle the issue and still keep a relationship with his son.
I felt sorry for him to be honest. He's so afraid that the kid will stop coming around if he's too hard on him. I KNOW he needs to be hard on him but I think of my daughter's sweet face and can't imagine having to do something that would cause her to stop wanting to spend time with me.
I know something needs to be done, but it's heartbreaking to watch him worry over whether or not he'll lose his relationship with his child. The fact that he even has to be concerned about it infuriates me.
What a crappy son he would be, to ignore his own father because he got scolded for stealing.
I also can't help but think his dad has good reason to think that it might happen - I mean, he steals from children. I don't think he'd bat an eye at giving his dad the cold shoulder.
I can see my husband's ex now, saying how I ruined the father/son relationship. *rolling eyes*
So when all is said and done, is it really worth the cost to me and my child, for me to push the issue, instead of just finding the perfect hiding place? Is it worth the resentment I could be subjected to?
I just don't know.

Your last three sentences shine the light through the darkness of everything above them, and they form the basis for what I would like to tell you. And, what I have to tell you is not some magical concrete solution ... it is only a different perspective I'm offering you, in the hope that you can benefit from it.

This goes for pretty much everything we do in life, really. It really helps to ask oneself, when faced with a predicament ... what is it that I am in control of ? What can I do ? And, what is it that I have to leave out of my hands ? And, when you answer those two questions, you'll often find your apparently complex situation becoming greatly simplified. It needs to be that way; otherwise, we would all go insane ! And some of us do, because we like to think that our analytical minds can foresee all possible options and/or outcomes, or worse, control them. Control of our lives is a terrible illusion ! Proof of this abounds ... in different forms.

You can only do so much. You can have a serious conversation with your family. You can be assertive, yet still not overbearing. You can prepare yourself and your daughter, physically and mentally, for the worst case scenario. You can hope for the best. What about the rest ? Then, if/when **** happens, you can deal with it. In between, it's out of your hands. You have to wait for the tennis ball to return to your court.

You are right, my friend. Control is an illusion for most people, if not all people. 
The cost of hiding my daughter's money where he can't find it: five minutes of my time. 
The cost of pushing for more than a stern talking to: possible family meltdown and utter chaos and feelings of resentment and possibly sadness. 
Would he pretty much get away with what he did? Sort of - my husband wants to make things right for my daughter by giving her the money he took. I don't agree with him AT ALL, as this only shows the kid that parents will right his wrongs. The boy should be responsible. My husband says the little one shouldnt suffer either. So he feels he should accept that responsibility.

So, looking at the ultimate cost of the two actions above, which makes more sense?

So, assuming that you cannot play a direct role in disciplining the boy (I didn't read all the above posts, sorry), go with the hiding. But, that doesn't solve the problem of the boy looking through all your stuff or your daughter's stuff. Invasion of privacy ?

I still wish you could at least have one serious talk with the boy But, I don't know all the family dynamics, so ...

Ideally, you'd be able to do both ... hide the money and talk to him.

Another useful paradigm for problem solving, which you clearly hinted at, is "return on investment". For everything you do in life, ask yourself is it worth it, based on how much you have to invest - often your sanity or health. It's a very practical way to think of solutions to problems.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.
I felt sorry for my husband when we were texting about the situation earlier. He was wracking his brain to figure out a way to handle the issue and still keep a relationship with his son.
I felt sorry for him to be honest. He's so afraid that the kid will stop coming around if he's too hard on him. I KNOW he needs to be hard on him but I think of my daughter's sweet face and can't imagine having to do something that would cause her to stop wanting to spend time with me.
I know something needs to be done, but it's heartbreaking to watch him worry over whether or not he'll lose his relationship with his child. The fact that he even has to be concerned about it infuriates me.
What a crappy son he would be, to ignore his own father because he got scolded for stealing.
I also can't help but think his dad has good reason to think that it might happen - I mean, he steals from children. I don't think he'd bat an eye at giving his dad the cold shoulder.
I can see my husband's ex now, saying how I ruined the father/son relationship. *rolling eyes*
So when all is said and done, is it really worth the cost to me and my child, for me to push the issue, instead of just finding the perfect hiding place? Is it worth the resentment I could be subjected to?
I just don't know.

Your last three sentences shine the light through the darkness of everything above them, and they form the basis for what I would like to tell you. And, what I have to tell you is not some magical concrete solution ... it is only a different perspective I'm offering you, in the hope that you can benefit from it.

This goes for pretty much everything we do in life, really. It really helps to ask oneself, when faced with a predicament ... what is it that I am in control of ? What can I do ? And, what is it that I have to leave out of my hands ? And, when you answer those two questions, you'll often find your apparently complex situation becoming greatly simplified. It needs to be that way; otherwise, we would all go insane ! And some of us do, because we like to think that our analytical minds can foresee all possible options and/or outcomes, or worse, control them. Control of our lives is a terrible illusion ! Proof of this abounds ... in different forms.

You can only do so much. You can have a serious conversation with your family. You can be assertive, yet still not overbearing. You can prepare yourself and your daughter, physically and mentally, for the worst case scenario. You can hope for the best. What about the rest ? Then, if/when **** happens, you can deal with it. In between, it's out of your hands. You have to wait for the tennis ball to return to your court.

You are right, my friend. Control is an illusion for most people, if not all people. 
The cost of hiding my daughter's money where he can't find it: five minutes of my time. 
The cost of pushing for more than a stern talking to: possible family meltdown and utter chaos and feelings of resentment and possibly sadness. 
Would he pretty much get away with what he did? Sort of - my husband wants to make things right for my daughter by giving her the money he took. I don't agree with him AT ALL, as this only shows the kid that parents will right his wrongs. The boy should be responsible. My husband says the little one shouldnt suffer either. So he feels he should accept that responsibility.

So, looking at the ultimate cost of the two actions above, which makes more sense?

So, assuming that you cannot play a direct role in disciplining the boy (I didn't read all the above posts, sorry), go with the hiding. But, that doesn't solve the problem of the boy looking through all your stuff or your daughter's stuff. Invasion of privacy ?

I still wish you could at least have one serious talk with the boy But, I don't know all the family dynamics, so ...

Ideally, you'd be able to do both ... hide the money and talk to him.

Another useful paradigm for problem solving, which you clearly hinted at, is "return on investment". For everything you do in life, ask yourself is it worth it, based on how much you have to invest - often your sanity or health. It's a very practical way to think of solutions to problems.

Well, the kid is 18 and his brother will be 16 next month. I'm hoping I can continue to be patient and tolerant until they both move on. My husband works out of state and we are forming a plan to sell the home here and move up there in about six months. The 18 year old will not be going and the 16 year old who lives with us, will likely choose to go live with his mother so he can stay in the area at his school and with his friends. I can't help but think that things would improve dramatically if the move comes to pass. My husband has some pretty great qualities. Unfortunately, he's a bit of a paralyzed parent when it comes to dealing with his sons. It's not uncommon at all of divorced fathers. 
So to answer your question, my ROI isn't very good at the moment, but has the potential to be enormous. I suppose I could just try to detach from his kids completely. They sure wouldn't care.
It's difficult to do when I'm responsible for them when my husband isn't here during the week.