Time doesn't always make things better

[ABrokenMan]

You know what really hurts me the most? Not the infidelity - for if she had made that honest admission of her behavior known to me early on, I would have adjusted accordingly, to spend time and intimate moments, without expectation. I accept people for who they are, and I forgive. i always have. I have forgiven her.
What really hurts is how we had talked about something I had been burying in my psyche for many, many years. i never thought or admitted wanting to have a child. "not for me" I'd tell everyone when asked. The real reason was something I was ashamed to admit - I never felt love with anyone in my life. Oh, how I longed to be. But circumstances never worked out. There were years and years of alone time, searches made in vain. When I met her I was not "looking" to fall in love. But I did. Isn't that how love is supposed to happen?
She had confessed to me that she had hoped to have a child, but didn't think she could conceive. She made me realize that if two people are truly in love, the consumation of that love that is pure magic, and to bring a child into the world together - nothing better to give of yourself, and make you a better person than having a child with someone you love, and looking toward spending the rest of your life with them. When she told me she was pregnant, that door to my future happiness slammed shut for good. Maybe I am at fault for not realizing what I longed for, years before I ever met her.

 

[Mike510]

Thanks everyone I didn't know so many people had gone through this. Most people my age seem to get over things like this really quickly though.

I disagree with the "people can change" ideology. People don't change - they can adapt for a time, but their personality traits and psychological makeup remains as it always was. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a prime example.

I am really hurting emotionally, having been mislead by a girl I fell deeply in love with. And yet, I couldn't let go. Once she finally admitted that she cannot handle a committed relationship, many months later, it was too late, for feelings and time had been invested. When a relationship ends, it is often done by one partner - the other is left with feelings. It's like toxic waste. You can't get rid of the waste; bury it, cart it away, what have you. It will always be there. The only time I was able to "move on" after a relationship ended (almost 4 years) was 8 years ago. We tried and it just didn't work. i finally admitted that to her, and she agreed - a mutual and expected, natural end. i wish all relationships that do not work out could end this way. BTW, her and I still friends to this day. But that isn't the point of my post...

I had been alone, without any physical or romantic attention from females for nearly 8 years after that when I met my now ex in June of last year. Not that I hadn't been trying before that, but at my age (50) it is very, very difficult to find someone who will be interested and accepting for what you are - not what you "don't have" in this stage of life. i don't have a lot, it seems, based upon the rejections and callous dismissals by women looking for someone. I've only had two real relationships prior to this most recent one - I don't count ones that lasted for a handful of dates. I've heard women talk about guys who've "got game". Well, I never got the instructions. I stumble along. i try to stay positive and upbeat. But it is so, so hard the older you get. I put myself out there. I also have my feet on the ground. A very depressing life event regarding a girl when I was in high school really messed me up. And I've been dealing with that ghost for over 30 years. I just continue to try, but I fail, and I'm reminded of that event all over again.

I'm still trying to cope with what happened this year. The girl I fell in love with. We met in passing years before; she was involved with someone else. It wasn't until we connected on-line that a warm friendship developed last year. We met in person when I was in her town four months later, and I felt like she really understood me. I wasn't worried about what she might think of me, or if she would judge me like a job interviewer, looking for the red flags while sizing up a potential candidate. It's like that for me when trying to meet someone. This girl - nope. She liked me for ME.

We met again for a real "date" soon after, and it was simply magical. This was a good four months after we had been writing and talking to one another almost daily - it wasn't an overnight sensation. and I am very, very careful to guard my feelings. She admitted to me that after her long search (she's a decade younger than I am) that I was "the man for her". I felt wonderful, but still, a little bit guarded. I then went out to stay with her for several days later that same month (November of last year) - and then, it happened - the moment that I knew, yes, that she truly was the girl for me, after my 35 years of loneliness, failures and disappointments. I recall exactly when it happened. Just a moment during my visit, when I looked at her, and she looked at me, softly smiling, right before kissing her.

But it was far from rosy. She had been seeing her ex, at certain times before, and during our involvement. I had no idea, of course, for she told me she was single (i know now that single really means that you are not married - it doesn't mean you are alone, devoid of physical companionship and sexual involvement with someone else). She confessed this a month later. I chalked it up to us being "new" and that, yes, I could accept her and forgive her if she really wanted "us". and she said she did. You can guess what continued form that point on. But it was far, far more emotionally damaging to my confidence and my psyche when her ex boyfriend sent me unsolicited e-mails, telling me what "they" were doing. She told me he was just very possessive and jealous. She was committing to me.

Everything went along great after that. We spent time together. She was my soulmate. I felt so blessed, and lucky! Her parents even liked me!

Until one spring day, I received another unsolicited e-mail. This was from another guy that my GF had dated a couple of years ago. But even tho they were not dating, they were shacking up, according to him, at least three or four times every month. He claimed that he knew what was going on with her and I, and that he felt guilty, but of course, he wouldn't stop his behavior. Why give up free , no-strings sex? It is easy to conduct a charade when you don't live in the immediate vicinity of your significant other. i was planning to move to be with her. We talked about it. and looked forward to that.

The only reason I ever read that e-mail was that only days before, she called me to nervously announce that she was pregnant. i knew right away i wasn't the one, based upon timing. She insisted that I was the only guy she had deep feelings for and that this situation wouldn't have to alter our plans. i was really knocked for a loop. i didn't know what to say. That's when I read that e-mail from one of her friends with benefits. Talk about timing. Everything came crashing down all around me.

Despite this, I still wanted to see her. So I did for a few days, but I could tell she was giving me the "distance" effect loud and clear on our last day. She barely spoke. I thought we could try and work things out. She had been getting help in therapy, and even her ex admitted she cut out all those "other guys" , including him, because she loved me. But she made a mistake getting involved with someone else for a night.

She's moved on. But I am stuck. I am so broken. Of course i would never admit that to her. And I would go back to be with her if I could. Just so I wouldn't cry when I see another couple together, or think of us when we were together, intimate, or just goofing around. some days, I am OK, even though I hurt. Other days, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and just want to end it. time may heal wounds, but the pain will still be there.

Man I am sorry. My problems seem kind of minimal after reading that. I have days where I get up and I think about my ex and it doesn't faze me that bad, then I have days where I feel like complete crap when I do. I have a problem since I broke up that I can't really be a lone or else that's all I think about constantly. I find myself searching out new people to fill that void but all it does it lead me to people I either don't have much in common with or people that make me feel like I am just an option.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Well, Mike, I guess I am different, being a loner for 90% of my entire life - even as a child growing up.

The friends that i do have (much more exist virtually, on-line, and a couple of day to day life interaction folks) they all say that I am "lucky" things turned out the way that they did for me. Or, the universal cliche, "It Could Have Been Worse". Jeez. I hate hearing that, time and time again. How about, for once: "It Could Have Been BETTER?"

But they don't understand. Actions belie words. When my new ex GF told me that I was the one she could marry, with a promise of "I won't let you down..." .well, after all that transpired....what else needs to be said?

I do know that running out and trying to fill the void with other people to simply prevent or avoid physical solitude, as you say, just doesn't work for me. I've tried that approach back in my younger days. The effect was exactly like pouring a pail of sea water into beach sand.

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

6months ain't long when healing a busted heart. Stick in there. Having just past the year barrier recently, I now feel myself looking for someone else to be with rather than just wanting to ****...but doubt still sets in, in my mind as I keep thinking, i'd rather be with her. Whether or not that is true or just all in my head as I'm not one for change I don't know.

 

[MTrip]

Love is just another four-letter word.

For quite a few of us, anyway....

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

In May of this year I was engaged to someone I thought and planned to spend my life with. Then I find out she was cheating on me and I get messages from her saying "well sometimes if you love something you have to let it go", or "you could have anyone you want". Those hurt because I didn't want someone else I wanted to spend my life with her and I figured she wanted the same from me. But I found out how easily I could be replaced.

Now it is November it's been 6 months now sense that happened. There still isn't a single day that I don't think about her, wonder if she ever thinks about me but I know it doesn't matter. The thing is I was told after it ended the 3 things that will help me is finding someone else, finding activities to keep your mind busy and time. And what have I done since then, I took a cross country trip, meet a ton of people in different cultures, and I have returned to college. I have gone out on dates with 7 different women. All I find myself doing is bouncing from one person to another because I wont allow myself to develop feelings for someone. Now it's been 6 months and yet it still hurts just the same. I still have to force myself not to cry when I think about her.

Relationships are hard in itself. When my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I spent most of the time crying and hurting over what happened. Bouncing around from relationship to relationship will only end up hurting you more in the end. Right now you're deeply heart broken, it's best if you stayed away from dating as of right now and learn more things about yourself. Not gonna say the pain will go away, cause I know it won't until you're ready to move on. I've seen so many people rebounding it and it's gotten them nowhere in life; cause they're still hurting deeply inside they just don't want to show it to others. My ex boyfriend already has a new girlfriend in his life, but I pay no mind to it. Right now you're the one who's important and so is your health. Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. =)

 

[EveWasFramed]

... if she had made that honest admission of her behavior known to me early on, I would have adjusted accordingly, to spend time and intimate moments, without expectation.

Then you would have been short-changing yourself. Based on your posts in this thread, you seem to be the kind of person who wants "happily ever after." "Adjusting" doesn't seem to fall in line with what you actually want. I think it would have eventually ended (maybe even ended badly) even if there was no pregnancy involved.
Never let someone crap all over you like that just because you're lonely.

 

[ABrokenMan]

... if she had made that honest admission of her behavior known to me early on, I would have adjusted accordingly, to spend time and intimate moments, without expectation.

Then you would have been short-changing yourself. Based on your posts in this thread, you seem to be the kind of person who wants "happily ever after." "Adjusting" doesn't seem to fall in line with what you actually want. I think it would have eventually ended (maybe even ended badly) even if there was no pregnancy involved.
Never let someone crap all over you like that just because you're lonely.

Actually, the best relationship I've ever had, albeit a short one year, once a month meet-ups), was a friends with benefits situation. There was a real kinetic attraction between this girl and myself. I was 37 at the time, and had been alone for a LONG time before meeting her. We met while i was out on the road, via mutual interests. We clicked pretty quickly, and decided to meet again. It wasn't cold physical contact, but very warm and affectionate. We just agreed right off that we would forgo a love and commitment relationship, based on where she was in her life, and where i was in mine. She admitted that she cannot be locked down with one person, her coming to terms with such "wiring" internally cost her a marriage. I said I'd be fine with the FWB situation. It was great while it lasted. No love to mess things up, no expectations, and being able to live one's life free. In my mind this was something new for me, having been put through the ringer with two very bad relationships in my early 20s. 15 years of being alone (I really tried not to be) I had to adjust my mindset. It ended when she moved overseas. We did have a little bit of drama at the end, but it wasn't too bad. i don't regret that relationship one bit.

While it would be nice to be "happily ever after", I can't go on looking for that anymore. Especially after this past failure. You would be surpised at how many ladies in their 30s and 40s who are single WANT to be single, and just have intimate relationships or casual sex without pretense of feelings. for any number of reasons, that's all they want and need.

 

[EveWasFramed]

While it would be nice to be "happily ever after", I can't go on looking for that anymore. Especially after this past failure. You would be surpised at how many ladies in their 30s and 40s who are single WANT to be single, and just have intimate relationships or casual sex without pretense of feelings. for any number of reasons, that's all they want and need.

As a "lady in her 40's, I can say that you are correct - there are certainly plenty of women (and men) out there who don't want relationships that are over complicated.
As for "wanting" to be single, I wonder if it's that, or is it that they just don't have the time and mental/emotional energy to be responsible for someone's happiness.
I myself would be very hesitant to enter a "relationship" with someone if I didn't have the time and emotional energy to devote to the other person. I just don't feel that would be fair. I guess that's why sometimes FWB situations can sometimes work. *shrug*

 

[mari1969]

I disagree with the "people can change" ideology. People don't change - they can adapt for a time, but their personality traits and psychological makeup remains as it always was. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a prime example.

I am really hurting emotionally, having been mislead by a girl I fell deeply in love with. And yet, I couldn't let go. Once she finally admitted that she cannot handle a committed relationship, many months later, it was too late, for feelings and time had been invested. When a relationship ends, it is often done by one partner - the other is left with feelings. It's like toxic waste. You can't get rid of the waste; bury it, cart it away, what have you. It will always be there. The only time I was able to "move on" after a relationship ended (almost 4 years) was 8 years ago. We tried and it just didn't work. i finally admitted that to her, and she agreed - a mutual and expected, natural end. i wish all relationships that do not work out could end this way. BTW, her and I still friends to this day. But that isn't the point of my post...

I had been alone, without any physical or romantic attention from females for nearly 8 years after that when I met my now ex in June of last year. Not that I hadn't been trying before that, but at my age (50) it is very, very difficult to find someone who will be interested and accepting for what you are - not what you "don't have" in this stage of life. i don't have a lot, it seems, based upon the rejections and callous dismissals by women looking for someone. I've only had two real relationships prior to this most recent one - I don't count ones that lasted for a handful of dates. I've heard women talk about guys who've "got game". Well, I never got the instructions. I stumble along. i try to stay positive and upbeat. But it is so, so hard the older you get. I put myself out there. I also have my feet on the ground. A very depressing life event regarding a girl when I was in high school really messed me up. And I've been dealing with that ghost for over 30 years. I just continue to try, but I fail, and I'm reminded of that event all over again.

I'm still trying to cope with what happened this year. The girl I fell in love with. We met in passing years before; she was involved with someone else. It wasn't until we connected on-line that a warm friendship developed last year. We met in person when I was in her town four months later, and I felt like she really understood me. I wasn't worried about what she might think of me, or if she would judge me like a job interviewer, looking for the red flags while sizing up a potential candidate. It's like that for me when trying to meet someone. This girl - nope. She liked me for ME.

We met again for a real "date" soon after, and it was simply magical. This was a good four months after we had been writing and talking to one another almost daily - it wasn't an overnight sensation. and I am very, very careful to guard my feelings. She admitted to me that after her long search (she's a decade younger than I am) that I was "the man for her". I felt wonderful, but still, a little bit guarded. I then went out to stay with her for several days later that same month (November of last year) - and then, it happened - the moment that I knew, yes, that she truly was the girl for me, after my 35 years of loneliness, failures and disappointments. I recall exactly when it happened. Just a moment during my visit, when I looked at her, and she looked at me, softly smiling, right before kissing her.

But it was far from rosy. She had been seeing her ex, at certain times before, and during our involvement. I had no idea, of course, for she told me she was single (i know now that single really means that you are not married - it doesn't mean you are alone, devoid of physical companionship and sexual involvement with someone else). She confessed this a month later. I chalked it up to us being "new" and that, yes, I could accept her and forgive her if she really wanted "us". and she said she did. You can guess what continued form that point on. But it was far, far more emotionally damaging to my confidence and my psyche when her ex boyfriend sent me unsolicited e-mails, telling me what "they" were doing. She told me he was just very possessive and jealous. She was committing to me.

Everything went along great after that. We spent time together. She was my soulmate. I felt so blessed, and lucky! Her parents even liked me!

Until one spring day, I received another unsolicited e-mail. This was from another guy that my GF had dated a couple of years ago. But even tho they were not dating, they were shacking up, according to him, at least three or four times every month. He claimed that he knew what was going on with her and I, and that he felt guilty, but of course, he wouldn't stop his behavior. Why give up free , no-strings sex? It is easy to conduct a charade when you don't live in the immediate vicinity of your significant other. i was planning to move to be with her. We talked about it. and looked forward to that.

The only reason I ever read that e-mail was that only days before, she called me to nervously announce that she was pregnant. i knew right away i wasn't the one, based upon timing. She insisted that I was the only guy she had deep feelings for and that this situation wouldn't have to alter our plans. i was really knocked for a loop. i didn't know what to say. That's when I read that e-mail from one of her friends with benefits. Talk about timing. Everything came crashing down all around me.

Despite this, I still wanted to see her. So I did for a few days, but I could tell she was giving me the "distance" effect loud and clear on our last day. She barely spoke. I thought we could try and work things out. She had been getting help in therapy, and even her ex admitted she cut out all those "other guys" , including him, because she loved me. But she made a mistake getting involved with someone else for a night.

She's moved on. But I am stuck. I am so broken. Of course i would never admit that to her. And I would go back to be with her if I could. Just so I wouldn't cry when I see another couple together, or think of us when we were together, intimate, or just goofing around. some days, I am OK, even though I hurt. Other days, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and just want to end it. time may heal wounds, but the pain will still be there.

Im sorry . What a disgusting woman¡¡

 

[Seeker_2.0]

Looks like another case where on of two partners completely led on the other with false hopes and unkempt promises. It really is hard when someone gives you reasons to visualize an entire future and then pulls the rag under your feet. i agree with you, time doesn't always make things better, but time does allow you to look for someone else, who could be right for you, so you may have dodged a bullet there. Imagine if you got married and she showed her true colors after the knot was tied. I know you don't like to hear it but in that case yes, things could be worse.

 

[Morse Code]

Hey Mike, I'm really sorry you had something like this happen to you. I've been cheated by a girl I loved before as well and it took me 7 months to get over it, so I totally understand how you feel. What made me get over it was another girl I met, which I came to love even more, because she was miles ahead of the previous one. My point is, since you are having dates, maybe you could start paying more attention to the new women you meet, maybe one of them has more to offer than your ex ever had. You also already realize that you didn't mean all that much to your ex if she cheated on you and then showered you with cliche movie lines to try to justify her actions, which really are beyond justification, especially since you two were engaged. Does this kind of person deserve your thoughts? I think not. At the end of the day, at least you didn't get to be cheated after getting married, so things could definitely had been much worse.

Thanks. The problem I have was my ex was very affectionate we would always tell one another how much we love one another and after 2 and a half years 1 day I am suddenly nothing to her. The women I have meet are not like her, the one I am going out with now I am convienced has no respect for me, every time we go out she expects me to pay for her meal does not even offer to pay. Now she wants me to her something because she used all her money on shopping. Before her it was some girl I meet on the first date who wanted to already get married and have children. It hurts me because I feel like I shouldn't even be in these situations I should be with the person I loved.

Some people are very skilled at lying, nothing more, nothing less. I hope you can find peace this new year.