To the single men without children: How do you feel

[jjam]

... about dating a woman who has a child or children? And no, this isn't dating that you anticipate ceasing before it goes into -deep- love territory. You're looking for someone with whom you can make your wife and spend the rest of your life with. Does your criteria exclude women with children?

I hate to be envious, but I can't deny that I am of guys who leave wonderful women with children to men who have not made such moves. I am in my mid 20s, single without children, looking (not hard as my desires say I should be, I suppose), and completely discouraged when it comes to the idea of meeting a woman I'm compatible with who doesn't already have a child! Unfortunately, I feel like I may need to change my critieria because the mission seems more impossible than anything Tom Cruise has encountered.

Do you find it ridiculous to want your first child to also be her first? If your criteria excludes women with children, and you are a single man longing to be in an intimate relationship with a woman, do you ever consider the idea that you may very well need to adjust your criteria sooner than later?

 

[husky]

this is not ridiculous; why should you change your criteria? not absolutely wanting a virgin is compromise enough for me lol. sure, it depends on the girl and how you can take it mentaly. personaly, it's a no-no for me; the girl carried the other guy's baby for 9 months, she still has the other guy's child(ren) to raise. her life is full of the other guy. sorry for being so primitive, that's just how i am; a big baby who has to be top priority #1

don't settle for less, jack. just sayin'

 

[MarynaGural]

My take on this...

Normally I would have never got with a guy that had a kid with another girl for a hundred different reasons, but...

I did meet one guy who I really liked despite the fact that he already had a kid.

In the end I felt really bad for his little daughter for not having her daddy hardly at all. And even though the mother was really a bitch to me and I didn't like her for a hundred different reason, I felt bad for her too. I ended up resenting my boyfriend for not being with her and not being a good father to his daughter.

So it didn't work for me with him... I just didn't like that he started a family and then just bounced. He would do it to me too maybe if I gave him the chance.

And I agree I wouldn't want to have my first child with someone who already had their first. It would take away form my excitement.

 

[Blue Sky]

I am a single man without children, if I met a woman with children I think I would have to put alot of thought into if I was going to have a serious long term relationship with her. Do I get on well with her children? Can I support a woman with children? Where does the childrens father stand in this? Is he a jealous ex husband or partner? Does he still support the children? Can I learn to love the children? Would this woman want to have children with me? For me there would be many questions to answer. In the perfect world, yes I would like to meet a single woman without children, but it's not the perfect world so many different situations could be possible.

 

[LonelyCollegeStudent]

This is a good question. I suppose there are many things to consider for each of us. I know for me it would depend first if the ex husband/boyfriend was dead, gone, or still around. If the latter, I would not bother with such a person. If not around and the woman was successful enough (financially speaking) to not have to be a work slave and take care of herself and her kid, then I could be with such a woman. But then I suppose one would also have to consider the kid's nature towards you in your relationship, depending on the kid's personal situation and what the kid's age is and the maturity level of the kid.

 

[SadRabbit]

My take on this is that, if you like her and both of you are so happy with each other,don't let the child come in between you and her. But first of all, I must stress this, learn how to accept the kid. Yes he/she might not be yours, but love them like they are yours. If you think you can't do that, I suggest you should just end the relationship there and then. I remember I had to deal with one disturbing case. This cute little girl ( around 4 years old, was very quiet and nice girl...but yet she longed for a hug, cause when I told her she had to go home to her parents, she cried and hug me so tight =( ), her parents are, might i use such strong words, basically *****. Sure, their relationship did not work out, they had new people in their life, yet they seem to forget that they had brought this sweet little young life into this world. They said, their opposite partners did not like the idea of having the child in their lives and said the other party (ie the divorced husband/wife) was responsible for the child. How cruel can you be man. So people, please, I beg of you, if you can't stand the kid in your life, just forget about it...Don't spoil the child's life.

 

[jales]

woah really surprised...i thought most guys here would have wanted a girl with children/ a child. I'm a girl so I guess I'm not supposed to reply but I'd hate to finally find a guy I connect with and have him judge me on the fact that I have a kid...and worse the fact that I'm responsible enough to be taking care of my kid..

It's up to each guy...you know what you would want and don't want but helping to raise a child whether yours or someone else can't be a bad thing...

but maybe it's not that simple..either way just thought I'd say it would be nice if you could judge each situation specifically ...adjusting your critiria may not be soo bad IF your want for you'll to have eachothers first is not a huge one..

so strange that most guys dont want someone with a child...to me it really wouldnt matter if a guy had kids or not...the way he took care of his kids and so on would matter..but ...humm..strange

 

[NewBirth]

Other chicks are answering this so i mind as well too.
Seems to me most guys on here are willing to adjust except for maybe 1.
Its almost impossible to find a woman these days who doesnt already have kids so saying u wont date 1 is going to cut your options down drastically.
Ive thought about stopping dating women with kids because of all the damn problems it causes but there just isnt too many who exist LoL so i had to let idea that go.
Myself I would never get seriously involved with a man who had kids either unless the woman was dead or at least legally cut ties. With him having full and sole custody with her never seeing them only.

 

[lonelygirl]

I as a woman say, DATE a man or woman with a kid or a few kids. Kids are blessings, NOT burdens!

 

[LonelyCollegeStudent]

Rereading my reply I see I may have come off as not liking kids. That is not true. I could love a child that wasn't my own, it really does not matter to me. It's just there are so many complications as every has said when being in a relationship with a partner who has a kid. You could love the child and the child could utterly hate you and being in that relationship could have a negative impact on the child, especially if the partner is not taking proper care of the kid's well being after, or even before you met them.

 

[lonelygirl]

Yeah, but lonely college student, ANYTHING can happen. You could parent that child better and more effectively than its biological parent, and you could be LOVED AND LOVED AND ADORED by that child! So why play crystal ball predictor? Don't cancel out entire groups of people, whether for friendship or romance. Dont' have a single mother or single father policy. Just LOVE everyone and be open to all things the Universe (God) has in store for you!

 

[JustLost]

... about dating a woman who has a child or children? And no, this isn't dating that you anticipate ceasing before it goes into -deep- love territory. You're looking for someone with whom you can make your wife and spend the rest of your life with. Does your criteria exclude women with children?

Recently, I've started dating a woman with a six year old son. Before that, I dated a girl for many years who had 4 children of varying ages. The thing is, I'm in my mid 30's and it's very difficult to find single women my age and in my area who DON'T have kids. Most of them have been married and divorced and this generally results in them having children. I actually felt rather fortunate that the woman I just met only had ONE. She has joint custody of him, so it's not like he's there all the time. In fact, I still haven't had the opportunity to meet him.

I would hate to miss out on getting to know someone wonderful just because she had a baby before she met me. It's a rare thing to find someone I can connect to in the first place so I don't want to make it any more difficult than it already is.

Just my thoughts on the matter...

 

[jjam]

^well said, and I like your attitude.
In fact, I've read and appreciated what everyone here has had to say on the subject. Thanks for the participation, everyone.

 

[teach]

Hi guys,

Speaking on the single-mom side, and in my thirties, I'll agree with JustLost, women without kids at my age are rare. Some of the posts reminded me of my days in college, when my guy friends (not boyfriends) would date a girl, but as we got closer to graduating, they were ready to dump them. Their reasoning was, they're fun to date and sleep with, but I'm a grown man now, and I want a nice girl who's not been with a guy, who's holding out for the right guy. I'm going to be that guy. Ugh. I also know "grown men" now, who are divorced and have kids, but are looking for never-married women, or divorced women with no children, because they want to "start fresh". I guess, for some guys, that attitude never changes. Very sad. Good for the gander, not good for the goose.

However, I wonder which direction your original posting was heading, Jjam. Was it heading more toward the idea of the guy being able to date a woman who has been with a man, obviously to the point of having children, or just that a woman had children? Would the thoughts expressed here, by the guys, be the same if it was a woman who had a child(ren) because she chose to adopt? Is the thoughts and attitudes directed at the woman, or the children?

I run across a lot of parents in my line of work, who are single and dating. Unfortunately, so many of these put their relationship far above the child and the kid notices. It's hard to find a fair balance, wanting a new relationship, but also knowing you've decided to be a parent so you've got to do that role. Too many don't try to balance, and swing toward the relationship, ignoring the child. When you are dating someone with kids, it's a package deal. You're not just dating the woman or the man. I agree with the posting that if you're not able to be in that parent role yourself, don't start the relationship. You don't just end up breaking from the adult, but depending on how much you've interacted with the kid(s), you've put that child through another type of divorce.

 

[jjam]

I didn't want the subject limited to my own feelings regarding why I prefer to avoid women with children, which is why I guess I didn't go into it in the initial post. Maybe I should have. I can't deny I'm happy you asked the questions you did, and I would love feedback on what I'm about to say.

I'll tell you my cause for wanting to avoid women with children. As superficial as it may be to some, it essentially comes down to what you described in your post, minus the double standards the men of your experience-based examples seem to have upheld. I've never been married, and I've never been responsible for the birth of a child. I do not require a virgin for a couple of reasons. 1)I am not a virgin, and 2)I don't feel sex (in most cases) holds the caliber of value as a symbol of love as I once believed.

I've believed, in the vast majority of cases, a child holds a great deal of weight as a symbol of genuine love between the man and woman who created it. In thinking that, I felt that there would be, by default, a lower ceiling on a child-bearing woman's potential for loving me compared to her love for the man with whom she created the child. MAYBE that's a silly notion, and I'd love more thoughts on this idea from you all. Nevertheless, that is a feeling I did not think I could be comfortable with, and struggle to feel I could ever be comfortable with.

I thought if I could have the reasons behind my beliefs debunked, it would no longer be a hurdle, one which severely limits my opportunities in my search for someone to fall deeply in love with. As you can imagine, a woman who merely adopted doesn't bring the discomfort I typed of. So, let's ignore that scenario for now.

Not to fear, perhaps. I may be coming to my senses. If I truly believe that SEX doesn't hold much weight as a symbol of love in most cases, then, with my awareness of the level of risk of birth that exists with SEX and all the "accidental" births that occurred from desires to SIMPLY have sex, why should I continue to believe a child should hold much weight as a symbol of genuine love between the man and woman who created it?

meh, I don't know.

 

[teach]

Jjam,

I think you're starting to answer your own questions and doubts. This is a good thing. It's apparent that you aren't so much concerned with the child as you are with the way the woman thinks about the man she had the child with. Also a good thing, as it's never the childs doing for the position they now find themself, in a single family household. As for the way the woman thinks about her ex, this can vary, and so I wouldn't compartmentalize this into a single answer. Some women divorce out of casualness, didn't get along-type thing. This would mean that she may still love their ex, in some way, just not enough to want to remain married to him nor apparently have any more intimate relations or children with him. Hence, you're obvious answer of how she feels about him. Some women's reason for divorce are much deeper, love that they have a child, but the child is completely separate from the feelings toward the childs father. Basically, if she could have had the child without the father having to have had any influence in her/their lives that would have been the way to go.

To talk about your last paragraph, a child isn't a symbol of genuine love between two individuals, it's a symbol of trust. People have intimate relations all the time, trusting that their birth control methods will work when they aren't ready for children, and when they are ready for a child, trusting that the commitments made are stable enough to raise a child. When you find someone who already has a child, you are finding someone who either wasn't planning to have a child, but is standing up to the responsibility, or you find someone who is capable (or was) of trusting another individual enough to bring up a child. Apparently their trust was misplaced, either due to their own lack of faith or their partners.
You need to learn from the indivual woman. She may be one who is unable be trustworthy. She may have great love, but can't be trusted, and the relationship faulters. Or, she may have been the one with great faith and trust, but put that faith into the wrong man. This woman would be capable of genuine love to a man who can be trusted.

Sorry, rambling. Not sure if I actually made sense.

 

[Vortex]

I realize that I'm arriving somewhat late in this discussion, but I wished to point out that there is quite an advantage to dating a woman who has children over dating a woman who does not.

That advantage is that you get to see, first-hand, her parenting style. This alone can tell you much about a woman. It also, obviously, reveals how she would treat any children that may arrive from a potential marriage between her and yourself.

... about dating a woman who has a child or children? And no, this isn't dating that you anticipate ceasing before it goes into -deep- love territory. You're looking for someone with whom you can make your wife and spend the rest of your life with. Does your criteria exclude women with children?

I hate to be envious, but I can't deny that I am of guys who leave wonderful women with children to men who have not made such moves. I am in my mid 20s, single without children, looking (not hard as my desires say I should be, I suppose), and completely discouraged when it comes to the idea of meeting a woman I'm compatible with who doesn't already have a child! Unfortunately, I feel like I may need to change my critieria because the mission seems more impossible than anything Tom Cruise has encountered.

Do you find it ridiculous to want your first child to also be her first? If your criteria excludes women with children, and you are a single man longing to be in an intimate relationship with a woman, do you ever consider the idea that you may very well need to adjust your criteria sooner than later?

 

[Bluey]

yes I would like my fist child to be her fist child but it can be difficult to bring another mans child up. But if I like the girl a nuf then I would not let that stop me

 

[Guest]

I'm a guy and I wouldn't mind dating a gal with a kid or two. However, I never wanted kids of my own so I'd have trouble warming up to the kids. I'm not mean or inappropriate around kids, and I have nieces that I play with. I just don't want the responsibility of children.

If she just wanted to date and wasn't necessarily looking for a future husband, that's where I'd be comfortable.

 

[Lost in the Oilfield]

Hmm interesting topic...

Well, I'm a single guy without children.

I used to think I wouldn't be able to be with a woman who has had a child with someone else but I'm finding, with age, that that standard is starting to crumble pretty fast. In part it's because the chances of finding a woman that doesn't have children at 28+ doesn't look very promising... but there's other things to consider too...

Just because she had a child with him doesn't mean she loves the other guy, or ever will again if she did. They are not necessarily promiscuous or dirty... they're just a woman that either made a mistake, or maybe the guy was either too immature and ran away, or just treated the girl so bad that she had to leave him.

It's really a matter of the person and the specifics of the situation.

At least you know she CAN have kids... everything works right biologically