This surely is the $24,000 dollar question, isn’t it? (long winded, wordy, and perhaps boring post to follow…)
I think I can safely say that there is no single answer to this that will solve this age old dilemma for everyone. I think the first thing anyone should do is to first look at their own self.
For some of us, we may be so shy and afraid that we just don’t know what to do. I am not a shy person anymore, but I used to be very so in my younger days. It is so hard for someone who is afraid of talking to people to go out and try to meet someone…let alone tell someone that you are attracted to or romantically interested in them. The horror of this scenario roots us in our tracks.
Some of us feel sorry for ourselves. We withdraw and don’t do anything. We conclude that we have done everything required to ‘fix’ the situation and have therefore labeled it as something that just can’t be fixed. We then try to resolve ourselves to be lonely for the rest of our lives, but deep down our heart yearns so much for that special someone. We see eHarmony TV commercials and immediately change the channel. We go out and see happy couples, holding hands and whispering sweet nothings to each other. We see this and our soul cries. Oh how we want that happiness that they have so easily obtained, but for us has been nothing but fruitless.
Some of us don’t do anything. Maybe we are cynical, or shy, or scared, or maybe just don’t know any better. We sit at home, and each passing day our loneliness compounds itself. It starts to build up, fill up our lives until we start to drown in it. We are trapped by it, and we grasp for hope like a floundering swimmer desperately trying to get one more grasp of air…
Some of us feel we are totally and completely unlovable. We are too fat. Too skinny. Too ugly. Too poor. Too trapped by a horrible circumstance. Why would anyone want to be with us? We look at the brutal, honest truth…I would never go out with me, why should I expect someone else to?
So what can we do about it?
Well, if you are too shy then the only way to overcome that is to get out there and take the hits. Get rejected. It hurts BAD, when someone you really like, care about, or love rejects you, no matter how gently they try. Eventually you learn to deal with it, and it will no longer affect your confidence. Perhaps a story from a chapter in my life may help. When I was a much younger man, I was terrified of a lot of things. In an attempt to get into shape I started to take ‘boxing’ classes. I never intended to get in the ring with anyone, but as it turned out, I agreed to spar our instructor. I was still a bit shy then, and felt that when he asked me to go a couple rounds I had to say yes. We went full contact, and I was terrified. Here was this experienced, big, strong, and highly skilled boxer getting ready to fight me. Well, the round started and it took only a few seconds for me to get hit…hard…right in the grill. And you know what? It didn’t really hurt! It wasn’t that bad. I took a few more shots and realized that I was not going to die if I got hit. I started throwing punches back. I got into the match. I did my best, referring to my minimal training and instincts. I got into the fight and held my own. Yeah, he was taking it easy on me but still…I had something I had not had in a long time. Confidence. I was no longer afraid to get into a match. I volunteered for a few other matches later that day, and every week I would come in one or two nights to the gym and spar a round or two. Even strangers. I was an ok fighter, could hold my own with some, totally dominate others, and get knocked around by those more skilled than I was. But the self respect I earned knowing that I could ‘take a punch’ really did so much for my psyche. Those I fought became friends with me, out of the respect they had not only for me getting into the ring with them, but also for that respect I had finally found within myself. Suddenly going up to a pretty girl and telling them how pretty they looked wasn’t so hard anymore. I am not saying to anyone that is shy to go out and start getting in fights with anyone! Or even getting into boxing. But I use this event as a parable. It is always scary to do something that you know will end up hurting you somehow. There is nothing that you or anyone can do to make it easy, you just have to do it. And then when you do get hit with those shots you realize that it isn’t so bad. Expect rejection. Expect to be laughed at or ridiculed. And when it happens, take it dead on the chin. You will find a great amount of strength within you, strength you thought you never had.
Feeling sorry for ourselves is a trap. And such an easy one to fall into. We start out resolved to fix our problem. We are gonna do it! We are going to get out of this house and meet people, dammit! I am going to talk to that girl and tell her how wonderful I think she is! I am going to sign up for that dating service! Who cares how scared I may or may not be. Then we fail. We go out and try to meet people, only to find no one really wants to know us. We try and try and yet nothing. We take better care of ourselves, dress nicely, and get out there and engage the world. We join clubs, join a gym, go to the driving range, join a bowling league, an arts and crafts club…only to find that we end up sitting alone within the club, looking at others happily engaging in their social circles. They just don’t seem interested in us at all. The dating service you sign up for won’t even take you as a client! Or of they do no one ever responds to your ad. Or they are fake, scams, shallow people. After so much rejection, so much failure we start to give up. I have done everything, I have tried it all, and it just doesn’t work for me. This becomes our mantra. This is where I find myself at right now. We have 2 choices. Throw our hands up in defeat, or keep fighting. Every night I say to myself at least once ‘that’s it, Its over. I will be alone forever’. But I still force myself to be a part of life. I bake brownies for my neighbors, even thought I have never met them and they have not once said ‘hi’ to me. I have bought some chew toys and given them to someone I see walking their dog. I buy lunch for someone at work for no reason at all. I offer someone a ride when they need it. I help someone move something heavy. I help carry in someone’s groceries. And they still seem to keep me at a distance, and I still may be alone, but in my own sorrow and loneliness I can look in the mirror and say ‘yup, I have done something’. If no one ever appreciates me then I still find some comfort in the fact I have made the world around me a better place. It also gives me hope. Hope that eventually my kindness will not go unnoticed. Hope that the seeds I plant will eventually bloom into a garden of love and friendship. As long as there is hope, then there is a reason to wake up everyday.
If you find yourself not doing anything, just sitting at home all the time, then you will only remain lonely. Whatever demon prevents you from getting out into life you must learn to face. Start small. Post something on the forms. Then pm someone. Pm me. I promise I will do whatever I can to make you smile! Then go for a walk and say ‘hi’ to someone. If you see a pretty girl/handsome guy, say ‘hey! Not to sound like I am coming on to you or anything, but I just wanted to say that you look nice/have a nice smile/hair/pretty dress/sharp tie/etc…’. Smile and walk on. Then before you know it you can jump right into life. You can’t win if you never play the game. Life is about so many things, and pain is one of them. No one ever goes through life without A LOT of pain. But some of the most successful people learn from it and move forward.
Ultimately, we must take inventory of ourselves. We have to look in the mirror. I don’t know about any of you guys, but I usually hate what I see. Physically I consider myself fat and ugly. When we hate ourselves it is painted upon our very beings. Sometimes we may be lucky and find someone that can see beyond our self hate…but we can never count on that. Self improvement begins within ourselves. No matter where you find yourself, there is always a path that leads to change. It may be long and hard for a lot of people, but it is there. Find what it is that we hate so much about ourselves and challenge it. Take steps to improve it. If I am fat, then I go to the gym. Screw the people that laugh at me. I know that when I come home I do feel better. If I am always broke, then what can I do to improve this? Make a budget? Get a better job? If I can’t get a better job why not? Maybe I need to go back to school. I may be physically ugly, and their may not be much for me to do about it. Well screw the world then! I will be so nice, so kind, and so generous that the bright light that shines from within my soul will overshadow any physical ailment I may have. I will learn to play the guitar. I will become the best chef I can possibly be. I will let the world see my poetry instead of my physical appearance. I will bring tears of joy with my art so that it may overshadow your own grotesqueness.
Sorry for being so long winded. I don’t’ have all the answers…if I did I would not be so lonely, nor would I have found these forums. These are just my ceaseless ramblings that I have been known to do from time to time. If anything I did made any sense to you, or made you feel better, then that will make me smile. If not, then I am sorry. If I could ever do anything to make anyone smile, please feel free to ask!
I think you should have been a comedian!
