Totally unsupportive family

[Augusto]

My so-called family had never been supportive or respectful to me. They hate my ideas, my plans, my dreams; they think I'm worthless and remind me about it sometimes. I have absolutely nothing in common with them, despite I tried to find some common points in last years, but no, these are non-existent. This is really irritating thing, as our mass culture, from movies to religions, says that family is good, and all that stuff.

I do not feel as part of this "family", and don't want to be even close to them. Some time ago, in informal cases, I started to use my chosen name and surname instead of those given by parents - later I'm going to change it officially too.

I don't know many people with who I have less in common than with those "relatives", so for me the whole idea of "family" seems like a joke, I can hardly understand how people may be close just because they are genetically a bit more identical, all my experience says that it may, but also may not work, like some random.

Does anybody on the forum have similar live experience? How do you manage it?

 

[DarkSelene]

I often read that family is a support system, but it seems to only work in theory. We can be born in a family with people that are fundamentally different than us and never feel supported, never feel appreciated or even tolerated. I can't understand why we're forced to endure the presence of someone we despise, all through life, just because we share dna, and I don't think it's a matter of really being forced anymore. You can disconnect yourself completely, especially if you're independent. I think family, as a support system, is the one we build ourselves. We pick everyone who's in our lives, why not pick our family too? That's how I could see someone "managing" the situation.

 

[Lacrecia]

I don't have much in common with my family either, but no matter what and no matter how deeply i hate them sometimes, i still consider them the ones i love despite everything...

 

[ladyforsaken]

My so-called family had never been supportive or respectful to me. They hate my ideas, my plans, my dreams; they think I'm worthless and remind me about it sometimes. I have absolutely nothing in common with them, despite I tried to find some common points in last years, but no, these are non-existent. This is really irritating thing, as our mass culture, from movies to religions, says that family is good, and all that stuff.

As they say, you can't pick your family. Just cos they're family, it doesn't mean you can get along. I know that all too well. I can't connect with my family.... and the only way I can is through concern and caring about them but that's it. We don't seem to like the same things.. or believe in the same stuff.

I do not feel as part of this "family", and don't want to be even close to them. Some time ago, in informal cases, I started to use my chosen name and surname instead of those given by parents - later I'm going to change it officially too.

I have thought about this myself. Moving away so I can be on my own and far from everyone known as family.
And to change my name... cos my dad changed his so it just feels unoriginal from the start. Plus, I don't want my family to be able to find me later on. So I do feel you on this.

I don't know many people with who I have less in common than with those "relatives", so for me the whole idea of "family" seems like a joke, I can hardly understand how people may be close just because they are genetically a bit more identical, all my experience says that it may, but also may not work, like some random.

Does anybody on the forum have similar live experience? How do you manage it?

I think some families hit it lucky where they can get along and they can connect on so many levels. But then there are families where it just doesn't work that way. People will always be people, and even for those families that do connect well, they are still different in their own ways and they will still have disagreements and differences among each other. I guess it all boils down to how each deals with it at the end of the day.

I used to find it so stressful and such a problem to have family that don't care about me personally, but expects me to be a certain way and as long as I'm churning out income for them, they're happy. I found it upsetting that they were so selfish all the damn time and it was all about them first and I'm the one to clean up mess after mess after mess cos I'm always the one left behind.

One day I just decided that this is ********, I can't change them and I will never be happy if I expect them to be the type of family I want them to be. So I stopped expecting them to be a certain way or kind or selfless etc. I just put it all in a neutral state and tell myself that yes I know they are a pain and they will continue being a pain, but that doesn't mean I don't love them. Loving them, also doesn't mean I have to like them. And I accepted that and from there, I work on how to get where I want to be... move out, move away etc and plan accordingly.

Not sure if this is even a way to manage it but this is just what I've been through and how I've dealt with it for myself. Always felt like the odd one out my entire life, even in my own family.

 

[lifestream]

Would not speaking to them be an option for you?

I didn't speak to my family for six years and I'm sorry that I ever let them back in to my life. I'm currently trying to push them back out again.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Does anybody on the forum have similar live experience? How do you manage it?

Yes, my family is terrible. I survive them through attrition.

 

[Paraiyar]

I don't really have any advice for this thread because my parents have always supported me but I'm really sorry to hear that yours haven't. You deserve better.

 

[Augusto]

Thanks guys, it's so nice to see your support, and often personal experience. I think it's really necessary to further decrease contacts with this family, as current state is negatively influencing my self-confidence and increasing depression.
It's not an easy decision for me, but something must be done.
And maybe I'll really need to create a family of choice. Just need to find people for it

 

[Lacrecia]

can i be your younger sister? but i warn you, I'd bully you

 

[constant stranger]

I wish I'd moved away and stayed  a few time zones distance from my family 30 years ago.  But I chose a different path and my age I'll finish the journey I'm on.  Mom will die soon enough and when the estate is settled my brothers and I will continue to lead separate lives.

My task is to let go of the resentments that ricochet around in my thoughts.....not so much for the 2 older brothers (..a useless, self serving pair in a dysfunctional family..) or my poor mood disordered mother, but for the self righteous, sanctimonious, two faced, lying piece of hypocrisy of a father.

I've got 20 or 25 years left, my health is good, the money is OK and I have a few (very few) but agreeable social prospects.  However, my thoughts keep returning to all the unresolved frictions of the past.  I don't know how to let it go.....every single day I relive one effed-up episode from the past after another.  And all of dad's insults keep surfacing in my mind, like they're part of me now.

 

[Augusto]

can i be your younger sister? but i warn you, I'd bully you

It's so nice from you, always wanted to have a sister I'm not good for bullying though - I'm big and bearded.

 

[Lacrecia]

can i be your younger sister? but i warn you, I'd bully you

It's so nice from you, always wanted to have a sister I'm not good for bullying though - I'm big and bearded.

One of my brothers (he's six years older than me) is big and bearded, and i bully him. He bullies me too tho so i get more on the defensive lol

 

[Hopetracer]

I look at it as a whole picture. I know my family had a difficult life, the hardships they have gone through and what they still have to deal with. If me and my family feel distant, it's because of what has been taking place in our lives. It's not my family's fault. It's all how the life has been.

Having support is great. There are friendly and awesome people who would sincerely support us, whether they are family or friends. I'm grateful to these people when I have them in my life. But I have to be tough and know how to do well on my own. For that, I can only rely on myself.

I think of a time that I may not have my family, a time they may not exist anymore. I'll be on my own and should know how to take care of my life by myself. Today is the time I got to prepare for it.

 

[Northern Lights]

Augusto,

I'm sorry to hear that your family is so unsupportive. I lived with a toxic family member for many years. I finally cut her off 2 months ago and a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. You might have to do that if they are damaging your health.

I have other family members that I don't connect with but I am able to cooperate with them as long as I see them infrequently. If I saw them a lot it would strain the relationship. Sometimes distance makes you feel closer.

It's up to you to decide how to approach it because you know yourself and family better than the rest of us.

 

[Radioman]

I think when you are from a family that is in anyway disfunctional it's important to keep your distance from those who hurt you & make sure you keep shielded from them when in range. Then you can spend your time focussing on yourself & your goals without allowing any grief or pain to hold you back.

 

[Augusto]

Thanks, guys. Today got another arguing from them - I was totally correct and polite, yet they are now mad as hell and angry. They really never gonna accept my personality - no one of relatives.

I really need somehow to cut them off my life. But it's complicated - I mean, I know them for 30 years, and it's never that easy to just disconnect from people who you know for a long and share a lot in the past.

RadioMan, what do you mean about being shielded while in range? How is it possible?

 

[DarkSelene]

It seems impossible, but afterwards you'll be relieved of that horrible feeling and that will make it not only worth it but much easier.

 

[dd11]

Can I ask a few questions? You are 30? If they WERE supportive, what would that look like to you specifically? What concretely would they do that would be a show of support that is tangible? In the reverse, you are an adult, what have you done likewise to be supportive of them as well?

 

[bleed_the_freak]

From what I've gleaned, the OP is just looking for some basic decency and a touch of respect and courtesy.

 

[Augusto]

Can I ask a few questions?  You are 30?  If they WERE supportive, what would that look like to you specifically?  What concretely would they do that would be a show of support that is tangible?  In the reverse, you are an adult, what have you done likewise to be supportive of them as well?

Ideally they won't be criticizing everything that I do, that I think and that I say, while praising everybody else around. It's hard to talk to people who always try to find flaws in you and virtues in others.

That's what I call being unsupportive. When I have hard period in life they will say something like "Jack from next house did okay in this situation, and you can't solve it, because, let's face it, you are not suited for real life". Almost direct quote of what I heard hundreds times already.