Tragedy and Loss

[user 139760]

I've felt pain at the loss of a loved one, but I always feel it's easier to grieve say, loss due to old age or illness than other conditions.
However, in recent years I've been stuck with a pain I'm not designed to handle and don't think I can grieve for, mixed in with feelings of anger and rage, of helplessness, of guilt and regret. Some days it's just there, slightly out of touch. Others I hit an iceberg and can't contain it and burst out, usually focusing on physically exhausting myself or punching an innanimate object.
Some days I feel like I'm slowly turning into some weird version of the Punisher. Others I feel like "screw this" dropping everything and running away.
I'm slowly coming to the realisation it probably will never get better than it is now, and since I do want to end up with a caring girlfriend, I'll have to figure out how.
I just don't know how to do that. Somedays I don't think I even want to.
It's weird...and slightly insane.
Then again, maybe I am too, now.

 

[JJW]

All losses are so different....and we all grieve differently

I don't think tragedy has to include loss. I have what I refer to as my 16 ghosts. I didn't know them all, but there were things about them that are stuck in my mind.

I mentioned my early introduction to death, those three boys that were run down. They stay with me. I feel I was spared by them having sent me home. And the sight of the blood puddled on the side of the road is one of my strongest memories.

I found a dead girl once. I was first on a car crash scene. Discovering her was traumatic. There was a massive gash on her face. No blood. She'd died before the wound. I think it's that small detail, staring at her, puzzling over the lack of blood, that's why she's my ghost.

I've know two people that were murdered. One was one of my teachers. Oh it was the buzz around school, but there was no mourning. It was nearly a source of entertainment. As an adult I feel regret for how I felt then.

The other was a girl I was growing fond of. She was one of those people whose personality just drew you in. She was fun and exciting and we were getting close. Then, she was just gone. She was slain behind a 7Eleven. Some of my grief is I've never found out why.

People die. I've lost more than my ghosts— uncles, grandparents, a sister, a niece. Death has been a regular companion in my life. Those I grieve. But my ghosts each have something more than just the loss of a human being. It's different from grief. It's a weight that presses in from all over.

I was a lineman at an airport. One of the planes I serviced went away on holiday. On its return it crashed a half mile from the airport. Eight people died; four adults, four children.

The mangled plane was stored in plain view not thirty feet from my desk. For a week I dwelt over and over on the service I'd given it. I have ADD, and it is easy for me to make mistakes. I was so afraid I'd caused it.

It was decided it was pilot error. He'd neglected to reset the altimeter. On approach he thought he had 300 feet clearance, he had 50. When he scraped tree tops he panicked, pulled up too hard. The plane went straight up, rolled, and power dived into the ground.

I didn't know that then. I know it now. I knew him, and to a degree his wife. That's a loss. But that week of staring at the wreck. I'd been at the scene, as well. Those memories, that week of guilt....

I have grief for my ghosts. But what do I call that something more, that weight.

I'm a writer. My stories tend to be bleak horrors. I'm pretty sure my ghosts have influenced my style... and thus my lack of success. I'm pretty sure they are the reason I write. Something inside me trying to get out.

Death has been so prominent in my life that I've thought on it for decades. I needed to understand. I have a reasonable explanation of life after death. It's not a belief. It has no bearing in religion. It's a probability. It's a hope.

And I already have a plan for myself after I die.

 

[JJW]

I'm slowly coming to the realisation it probably will never get better than it is now, and since I do want to end up with a caring girlfriend, I'll have to figure out how.
I just don't know how to do that. Somedays I don't think I even want to.
It's weird...and slightly insane.
Then again, maybe I am too, now.

I'm there. I get it. Maybe we can't fix it by ourselves. But maybe if you let it out, maybe if that girlfriend has enough empathy, she can be to one to drag you back into the light.

 

[user 139760]

I'm there. I get it. Maybe we can't fix it by ourselves. But maybe if you let it out, maybe if that girlfriend has enough empathy, she can be to one to drag you back into the light.

It has nothing to do with love, relationships, women or anything of the kind.
It makes heartbreak and loneliness a mere joke by comparison. No offense meant to anyone going through it.
I'm the only one that can drag myself back "into the light". But after 5 years of working on it, I don't know that I can. I don't know that anyone really can.
Wich is why I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

[Slick]

I don't think tragedy has to include loss. I have what I refer to as my 16 ghosts. I didn't know them all, but there were things about them that are stuck in my mind.

I mentioned my early introduction to death, those three boys that were run down. They stay with me. I feel I was spared by them having sent me home. And the sight of the blood puddled on the side of the road is one of my strongest memories.

I found a dead girl once. I was first on a car crash scene. Discovering her was traumatic. There was a massive gash on her face. No blood. She'd died before the wound. I think it's that small detail, staring at her, puzzling over the lack of blood, that's why she's my ghost.

I've know two people that were murdered. One was one of my teachers. Oh it was the buzz around school, but there was no mourning. It was nearly a source of entertainment. As an adult I feel regret for how I felt then.

The other was a girl I was growing fond of. She was one of those people whose personality just drew you in. She was fun and exciting and we were getting close. Then, she was just gone. She was slain behind a 7Eleven. Some of my grief is I've never found out why.

People die. I've lost more than my ghosts— uncles, grandparents, a sister, a niece. Death has been a regular companion in my life. Those I grieve. But my ghosts each have something more than just the loss of a human being. It's different from grief. It's a weight that presses in from all over.

I was a lineman at an airport. One of the planes I serviced went away on holiday. On its return it crashed a half mile from the airport. Eight people died; four adults, four children.

The mangled plane was stored in plain view not thirty feet from my desk. For a week I dwelt over and over on the service I'd given it. I have ADD, and it is easy for me to make mistakes. I was so afraid I'd caused it.

It was decided it was pilot error. He'd neglected to reset the altimeter. On approach he thought he had 300 feet clearance, he had 50. When he scraped tree tops he panicked, pulled up too hard. The plane went straight up, rolled, and power dived into the ground.

I didn't know that then. I know it now. I knew him, and to a degree his wife. That's a loss. But that week of staring at the wreck. I'd been at the scene, as well. Those memories, that week of guilt....

I have grief for my ghosts. But what do I call that something more, that weight.

I'm a writer. My stories tend to be bleak horrors. I'm pretty sure my ghosts have influenced my style... and thus my lack of success. I'm pretty sure they are the reason I write. Something inside me trying to get out.

Death has been so prominent in my life that I've thought on it for decades. I needed to understand. I have a reasonable explanation of life after death. It's not a belief. It has no bearing in religion. It's a probability. It's a hope.

And I already have a plan for myself after I die.

I agree that tragedy can and will cause grief...I am so sorry you have gone through all of the...I do get it...I am a multiple loss survivor and multiple trauma survivor.....My point always with others is there is a way to live with a lot of help and learning, no I have never had a lot of support...so it was mainly on my own or with a good therapist that I still laugh, smile and am nice to people....