Trouble with believing it is not going to end

[Ginock]

I have never been especially good with relationships but it romantically or plutonic. It's always felt really tough not assuming the worst of others and that they will mess me around and screw me over if not now at some point.

I have been seeing someone for little under a year and in that time I can honestly say I have been in the best place mentally for the first time in what feels like a decade but I still cannot help but feel things are going to go wrong and that it would just be easier to end things before I get hurt and go back to being single because at least I know how that feels and as much as it sucks at least I am at home with it and I can predict it. The thing is I don't want this, not really, I really really want to stay with the person I am with but whenever there is a hint something (at least in my head) that could be wrong no matter how unfounded or unproven my brain puts its foot down, I start getting panicked, I start getting angry and I start looking for reasons to just end it because that seems the simpler option.

I know this is not healthy and I know that looking for the simpler option is not the best way to look at anything in life because normally that is not the best choice. I have had discussions about this with my partner and it normally comes from when one of us is not feeling fantastic mentally and me assuming I have done something wrong, I want to ask my partner about it but I am terrified I will push them away and end up alone and unwanted and right now I just cannot take that.

I am really really unsure what to do, can any one relate or have any advice how to get over myself?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'm not sure I have any sure-fire advice. I suppose I'd count myself among those with abandonment issues? That sort of: end it, before it ends, type of logic, is similar I think.

If I analyze myself: the fear is losing a partner in a relationship. And unfortunately, it's that fear, that compels one to behave in such a way so as to be a bit off-putting to their partner, or worse.

I'm not sure any advice in the world would help me, in such a situation, because I can think, and think, and overthink, and overthink some more, and then a bit more; and then if that isn't enough I'll over think some more on top of that, and then some.

I feel like a solution for me, if I were in a relationship where I feared being abandoned (a similar fear to yours), would be, to have a partner, who... Could completely wrap their head around the problem. If they were loyal, and understood it, and how to deal with it: at the worst, I think it would amount to something like, you're going to have to suffer your worries and doubts on your own, but I'll still be here, when you are finished with that.

So, I guess that's an optimal situation. There is perhaps a certain obsessional component, to your problem as well: there is an uncertainty (will it (the relationship) end?) And because you don't know the answer, and fear it ending, there is a sort of constant background noise of uncertainty, always churning. It's like you want to jump off the boat, because you are afraid it might sink.

As for advice, I don't know. It seems like something you could talk to them about, I'd imagine? Most people have something. However, I wonder, if saying something like: "Look, I have this tendency, or this nagging feeling, as though I should jump from the boat, because I fear it might sink." I wonder if saying that, isn't a sort of excuse, to sort of make sure there is easy access to a lifeboat, so you can stay closer to it?

I suppose, maybe, though I'm not sure, perhaps, just try to sit with the discomfort of the uncertainty for a while. Try maybe a month or three? See how long you can go, before you feel the need to bring it up?

On the other hand, it's good to communicate, so, maybe just come out with it. Perhaps if you do come out with your concerns, however, I think perhaps you should do so, on the condition, you begin to challenge your fear. I think there is a certain aspect of your fear, that... You share a responsibility in handling; and it would probably do you good, to begin to get a handle on it now. Because most relationships will have their trying and uncertain times, at one point or another.

Relationships are always a bit uncertain, some more so than others; but, perhaps there are those rock solid relationships with unwavering trust. Maybe rock solid relationships just happen; but, I imagine some of them are built, over a long period of time, to become like that.

I say, just take it day by day: learn to live with the discomfort. Perhaps find an outlet for the discomfort, something you can do each day, to try and recognize and forget the negative, and something to help recognize the good and use that to continue building trust, and security and resilience within yourself. Find ways to soothe yourself, during acute worry: remember something sentimental: a card, a letter, a gift, a memory, something they said, etc.?

I think it's doable. You recognize a pattern of thought/behavior within you. That's step number one, I think, right? So, step two, is to create a plan, on how to deal with that. Perhaps organize a mental toolkit of three ( or more ) things you can do, when worries get the better of you. If one thing fails, you can try thing two, if that fails, three, or work at all of them, as time permits.

But, lastly, just enjoy what you have, right now! Life is finite, nothing is forever, ultimately. Good luck! And congrats on finding some happiness! Don't fear a catastrophic flood! Instead, start building a foundation that is flood tolerant! The flood may never come either way, but at least one way, you'll be (mentally) prepared, to face down your internal fears.

 

[okidoke]

I don't really have a lot to add because I'm nobody to talk about relationships, but sometimes we can make happen what we fear the most, and there's also a real thing called "fear of success". Also (and here I was thinking I had nothing to say) why not just relish the feeling of happiness that comes to you? Just take it while it keeps coming and that might shine through to how you put into the relationship, which then benefits the other person, and therefore solidifies the relationship. Just don't become arrogant, selfish or obnoxious. Live in the moment - and may that moment last a long while for you, both.

 

[Sixx 2.0]

Alright, first off, good on you for opening up it’s not easy to lay it all out like that. Truth is, a lot of people feel like they’re constantly waiting for things to go belly up, so you’re not alone in this. The fact that this person has made you feel better than you have in years is huge, and it’s clear you care about them deeply. That’s something worth holding onto, even if your mind’s trying to throw a spanner in the works.

It sounds like your brain’s in overdrive, trying to shield you from getting hurt by preemptively blowing things up. But that’s just fear talking it’s not reality. You’ve already done the hard bit by recognising the pattern and talking to your partner. If you’re scared of scaring them off, just be honest, let them know it’s your own thoughts playing up, not anything they’ve done wrong.

At the end of the day, your worries aren’t facts, and it’s important to keep yourself grounded in what’s actually happening now, not some worst case scenario your brain’s cooked up. You’ve got something good here don’t let fear have the final say. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Keep going, you’re on the right track.