Unable to connect and trouble with rejection

[user 190653]

Hi

I just wanted to ask for advice, concerning online interaction.

In my daily life I tend to attract people that are damaged or want to turn their lives around, and after I am used and abused for those purposes they just leave, forgetting all about me. The subsequent loneliness has driven me to try online interaction. I had no success on dating apps and any interaction would soon fizzle out. I thought maybe my appearance was letting me down, so I tried a pen pal app where you only use an avatar, but the problem persists.

Communication tends to start off good but soon the other person loses interest and it seems whatever I wrote was so offensive or boring I get ghosted. They don't tell me what I did wrong so I'm not able to adjust anything, and the cycle continues. I don't use vulgar or suggestive language, try to be polite and interesting but to no avail. Maybe it's the substance of my writing and not the tone, I'm not sure. It starts good, but then they just dissappear, and it seems I get blocked. Am I not reading the conversations right? In personal interaction facial expression and body language helps in communication but in writing its difficult. Maybe my IQ is a bit low, not sure

I know I can't ask specific advice without quoting my letters, but I'm kind of making peace with the fact that my personality may just be off-putting, so I'm asking for tips on how to deal with the rejection, and general loneliness. The ghosting realy gets to me and after a person I felt hopefull about ghosted me I realy got depressed, and after multiple rejections over a couple of months now, my mood has become even more depressed, especially when I start to think that I will die lonely. Some neighborhood kids playing in the dilapidated remains of my house are going to find my skeleton, my boney hand still clutching my phone, no one even having known I passed.

Any help with dealing with the rejection and loneliness would be appreciated.

 

[okidoke]

This can be a difficult issue to handle, that’s for sure and plenty similar threads have been written about it. I guess firstly you could peruse those threads to see what’s been advised. Use the search feature.

Rejection hurts. Nobody likes rejection. Especially when we’ve opened up some and began what seemed to be a positive dialogue. People block for a myriad of reasons, especially online. It’s such a simple and straightforward act that it means nothing to the person doing it. It’s as flippant as swiping to the next profile. Dating apps and sites are challenging to navigate in my opinion. I’ve managed to have great conversations and then go on actual dates and got ghosted and blocked afterwards. Looking back I can see where I messed up. Various reasons, but I guess they all came down to me not being in the right head space at the time, although some of them had their own issues which I was probably disregarding because of my own desperation. So, just bad timing I suppose.

Being desperate comes across. You don’t want to appear that way, or needy, or that you need someone to make you happy, etc etc. I know that’s difficult but basically we have to get ourselves into a state of being complete and satisfied with ourselves to the point where having a partner is just a benefit in our lives and not a necessity. Does that make sense? Relationships aren’t 50/50 as if often said. They’re 100/100.

We all need to work on ourselves and there are many courses and videos online to better oneself.

Good luck

 

[Cherubino]

your problems and my problems have some striking similarities ... I went therapy and I was evaluated as

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

 

[SherryGee]

Aww it is so frustrating

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Getting ghosted is never nice, I always say if im done communicating with someone, however I will not always explain why.

I think online is simply colder, something you shouldn't use to decide your worth or how interesting you are.

As for rejection, thats a hard one, I just dont know how to internalise it so I dont struggle with rejection. But maybe that helps, understand rejection is about compatibility not your functionality… which means they aren’t right for you either

 

[ardour]

But maybe that helps, understand rejection is about compatibility not your functionality… which means they aren’t right for you either

Good point, but harder to convince yourself of this when rejection has been become a pattern.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Good point, but harder to convince yourself of this when rejection has been become a pattern.

It’s true, you just have to remind yourself of the truth you are worth the right person and not just any person.

 

[Night89]

I can relate, you are not alone in this.

 

[abbynormal]

Hi

I just wanted to ask for advice, concerning online interaction.

In my daily life I tend to attract people that are damaged or want to turn their lives around, and after I am used and abused for those purposes they just leave, forgetting all about me. The subsequent loneliness has driven me to try online interaction. I had no success on dating apps and any interaction would soon fizzle out. I thought maybe my appearance was letting me down, so I tried a pen pal app where you only use an avatar, but the problem persists.

Communication tends to start off good but soon the other person loses interest and it seems whatever I wrote was so offensive or boring I get ghosted. They don't tell me what I did wrong so I'm not able to adjust anything, and the cycle continues. I don't use vulgar or suggestive language, try to be polite and interesting but to no avail. Maybe it's the substance of my writing and not the tone, I'm not sure. It starts good, but then they just dissappear, and it seems I get blocked. Am I not reading the conversations right? In personal interaction facial expression and body language helps in communication but in writing its difficult. Maybe my IQ is a bit low, not sure

I know I can't ask specific advice without quoting my letters, but I'm kind of making peace with the fact that my personality may just be off-putting, so I'm asking for tips on how to deal with the rejection, and general loneliness. The ghosting realy gets to me and after a person I felt hopefull about ghosted me I realy got depressed, and after multiple rejections over a couple of months now, my mood has become even more depressed, especially when I start to think that I will die lonely. Some neighborhood kids playing in the dilapidated remains of my house are going to find my skeleton, my boney hand still clutching my phone, no one even having known I passed.

Any help with dealing with the rejection and loneliness would be appreciated.

dear sir, you are doing nothing wrong, you are being yourself, you see everybody is on their own frequency and only people of like frequencies even see or notice each other, the rest of us are "noise" to those people. it is signals and noise. i have found there are very few if any people on my frequency or vibrational level, which is the basic reason i've been a hermit all my life whether i'm incidentally around other people or not. you are not alone in this.

 

[sub5male]

dear sir, you are doing nothing wrong, you are being yourself, you see everybody is on their own frequency and only people of like frequencies even see or notice each other, the rest of us are "noise" to those people. it is signals and noise. i have found there are very few if any people on my frequency or vibrational level, which is the basic reason i've been a hermit all my life whether i'm incidentally around other people or not. you are not alone in this.

I agree and can certainly relate to this myself.

The three biggest factors in making connections are physical appearance, being extroverted and being neurotypical. If someone is good looking enough they can be introverted and not neurotypical and will still have options. Likewise if they are not physically attractive but are extroverted & neurotypical it will be more difficult but not impossible. It is when one is physically unattractive, introverted and not neurotypical when things become virtually impossible for them to make connections (especially romantic connections), which is a circumstance that I am all too familiar with.

 

[abbynormal]

that is where self-love comes in. learn to love the reflection in the mirror and be content with its company.

 

[sub5male]

that is where self-love comes in. learn to love the reflection in the mirror and be content with its company.

That may be a solution for some but is not possible for others. I have learned in my 5+ decades on this planet that the only times (and very few at that-perhaps a dozen or so at most) which I have felt truly alive is when there was even a glimmer of intimate connection. Of course, they inevitably turned out to be ephemral and then it was back to the state of deep loneliness. When one has their material needs satisfied but is unable to have their social, emotional and romantic needs met it makes for a miserable existence.

 

[Unsigned]

your problems and my problems have some striking similarities ... I went therapy and I was evaluated as

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Pretty sure I have this too.
I've only been to therapy twice (the first guy was good, the second guy, years later, was twice as expensive and was useless).
The first guy told me that the restrictions I feel are "self imposed". And that wiki article you posted mentions the same thing.

 

[abbynormal]

That may be a solution for some but is not possible for others. I have learned in my 5+ decades on this planet that the only times (and very few at that-perhaps a dozen or so at most) which I have felt truly alive is when there was even a glimmer of intimate connection. Of course, they inevitably turned out to be ephemral and then it was back to the state of deep loneliness. When one has their material needs satisfied but is unable to have their social, emotional and romantic needs met it makes for a miserable existence.

i'm sorry you're hurting. i guess mebbe i'm a bit fortunate in that i was able to lower my expectations in life and learn to be more appreciative of the good things i do have even if it excludes social goods/friends/mates. i find i am most lonesome-feeling when i am around people, hence my need to be a hermit where i am more in my element.