Unable to make real friends

[ANomis]

I'm 23; I do have a few friends but I find it hard to make new ones. I wish I was dead & feel like I am nothing. I can get by day by day but thinking about the rest of my life…..alone. It’s ok not having a relationship now, for example, but never having one.


My parents are pretty much my world. When I’m older, finding a job and a home of my own - Who will I be with? The best I can do is to superficially get on with people, like acquaintances. But I don’t forge genuine connections. I don’t really ‘see’ people. I don’t feel like I deserve to. I think I’m so desperate to have friends and fix things that I just look at people as a means to an end. I’m not sure if I genuinely care.

It may sound like I think things are worse than they are. But something isn’t right. I feel left out and when I go out with people and they start talking close to each other because of music and they hug etc, I just stand there like a lemon intruding on real friends. I try. If I’m invited I always go. Recently I went out, talked, laughed, danced, but at the end the group I was with left me on my own……..and I walked home alone crying.


I was accidently invited to a lunch with a few people which was easier to cope with. I tried to talk and laugh and enjoyed myself, which I did, despite saying the occasional lead balloon. Then I got intentionally invited to lunch and that was also good. But when I went out in the evening with the same people I felt on my own again and awkward. I always seem so near yet so very, very far.

There are people in the group who have been around the same amount of time as me, but seem so much closer to everyone - Genuine friends who spend time together individually and in groups. Maybe I just don’t fit in very well in this one but this happens with every new group and every new place I go and I’ve done some courses and been on organized trips with people I haven’t met before, trying to find a place….but it never happens. No matter how well I ‘think’ it’s going, for me at any rate, it just seems to last the length of the time that the group ‘has to be together’. What’s wrong with me?


At my last job I was there for half a year before my friend joined to. She had a lot more friends who talked to her and stayed in touch after we both left. She’d tell me things about people and I’d marvel at how she found them out so quickly. I’ve tried to do the same but I come across as interview like or ‘going through the motions’. I felt very depressed and ‘evil’ at that time, in comparison anyway.



I have the awful feeling that this is just who I am. I’ve been on my own for too long so it’s normal for me. I don’t seem to be able to socialize in a way that isn’t superficial, finding a real connection. Maybe I don’t really want to deep down, maybe I’m just too afraid to be real with them (I’m not sure whether I do or not or what ‘real’ is). I’m afraid that the truth is I only care about myself and I’m only interested in making friends because I think that would be normal or good. I’m not sure if I’m depressed because I genuinely want to have friends or because I’m aware that I’m probably missing out on a lot without them, and it’s kind of bad to not care for others in that way…………


Metaphorically speaking it feels like I’m able to dig away the snow but I always end up at a wall. But only a small part of that wall. I’ll never uncover or understand the entire thing. I’ll just keep digging away at the snow each day. Until there are suddenly no days left and life was the best it could be, more than I deserved considering what I’m like. But nothing like as rich or rewarding as someone who gives and connects with others. The conundrum of low self esteem and self loathing twinned with arrogance and shallowness. Is there hope………..Or should I just make do and get through….


*sorry for it being so long......just wanted to get it out.

 

[Vinan]

Many have been at a point in their lifes where they felt the same has you do. Your not alone everyone in this world. Has actually had to come with an answer on how they would deal with this all for we all engage in friendships and life. Your in good company and their is plenty of help for these things.

I think you should not worry about the future for we can't predict the future. Thats a good place to start it will elimanate much anxiety just accept you can't control the future. But you can indeed control your present arm yourself with that fact and change your world to what you wish.

Another thing all things take time in this world and nothing is perfect and or ideal. If you hold all these things to a very high standard to your present. Your setting yourself up for emotional disappointment concerning these things. Thats instant depression thats something we want to avoid. Just slowly work on those things and take the steps in the direction you want or need to go eventually you will get there we all have,are trying or are just starting.

You seem to have people to spend time with. But how you see it will depend on how you view the world and your perspective around you. If you see it badly it will seem has such. If you see it good you will see it has such etc.

With the people you have dare to ask them questions about themselfs and dare to go do some interesting things with them. This will build deeper bonds of friendship and understanding between you and your current friends. This will bring great value to the circle of friendship you have. Making new friends is wonderful but I think turning present friendships into enmourous value will pay off greatly. In time more people will come into your friendship circle. Do the same with them soon you will have a huge amount of people you know very well and vice versa.

I hope this helps regarding some of these things. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[ANomis]

Vinan - Thank you for the reply. It was very helpful and has given me a lot to think about.

 

[Rolo]

Hey Anomis,
After reading what you have said-its sounds like we have some things in common. At the moment, I don't have anyone Im really close to, friends or family which I guess is a bit sad to say. Im at uni now, I have sorted out an apartment for myself to live in alone next year-when I first started uni I was hoping to make a load of friends, but seems I have just continued with my old habit of being alone!

I have felt like a spare part so many times- getting invited along to things only to be left out when the others find someone else more interesting. I have given up trying now tbh. I don't like nights out-I don't drink and i don't like dancing and stuff- I just feel so uncomfortable with it. Talking and having a joke is what i prefer.

I have problems fitting in with others- its like Im just not made for fitting in- no matter how much I try or don't try- it always ends up the same way with me being on the outside so to speak.
I have the awful feeling that this is just who I am. I’ve been on my own for too long so it’s normal for me. I don’t seem to be able to socialize in a way that isn’t superficial, finding a real connection. Maybe I don’t really want to deep down, maybe I’m just too afraid to be real with them (I’m not sure whether I do or not or what ‘real’ is). I’m afraid that the truth is I only care about myself and I’m only interested in making friends because I think that would be normal or good. I’m not sure if I’m depressed because I genuinely want to have friends or because I’m aware that I’m probably missing out on a lot without them, and it’s kind of bad to not care for others in that way…………
I can really relate to this, unless I have misinterpreted it. Having no friends etc just feels normal to me, I find it hard to be around people for long periods of time anyway, so maybe Im just introverted. Either way, I find it hard to talk to people- it just doesnt feel natural and I never talk about myself to them. Sometimes I feel like Im missing out-most people at my age (20) are out all the time and stuff, but then again I sort of know all I really want is a few close friends I can rely on. I have low self esteem and all that, which doesnt help either.

What I have found is helping me is talking to someone- I decided to go speak to the counsellor at uni- Im not saying that is what you should do, Im just saying having someone to talk to has made me feel a bit better. I have no one else to speak to- so speaking to a woman I have never met who has to keep her mouth shut about my personal life makes me more comfortable than talking to any of my peers.

Anyway, I have probably just ranted on with no benefit to your self at all, so I apologise! If you would like to speak more, feel free to get in touch.

I hope it all works out for you

 

[hye345]

ANomis, I completely get where you are coming from. In high school, I was somewhat of a loner, and whenever I spoke to someone, I sorta felt 'on the spot'. Part of this was because I was sort of an introvert, so I wasn't used to small-talk that much. However, it was also a combination of me being too uptight, and being afraid to make a real connection with someone, since I thought they would see that I didn't have much to offer.

During my first year at college, there were times where I tried to come out of my 'shell' and befriend others. It does feel weird when everyone seems to be a part of a group, and you are the outsider looking in:

You aren't one of them, yet you want to be. So, you feel as though whatever you say has to be of Grade-A quality, otherwise they won't accept you. This places unnecessary pressure on you, which makes socializing seem more of a forced chore... and in the end, if you are still rejected (albeit politely and indirectly) from the group, you wonder how on earth others can get along so effortlessly with others, while all this effort on your part only led to failure.

If this turn of events repeats itself too many times, people understandably tend to lose motivation, and decide that friendships aren't worth the effort it takes to gain them.

Truth is, if you want to be a member of a 'group', you should not have to put on an act for them. If you have genuine weaknesses in socializing (too argumentative, overly uptight, reject the mainstream on principal, etc...) then thats one thing; you should try to work on these issues (ideally through real-world practice), because most people would find them annoying after a while. HOWEVER:

If you are a relatively normal individual (albeit with a few quirks here and there), then true friendship doesn't have to involve trying to be the most charismatic person all the time. It also means that you may have to admit that some people just don't want to be friends with you; this doesn't automatically mean that they are bad people, it might just mean that they are not your type, or that you two don't really "click".

As far as finding new friends, a very low-pressure way to go about this is through other people that you are already close with: I can trace all friends in my current social circle to one or two people (through several degrees of separation). Of course, this is easier said than done if you currently have no one... good news is, most 'original' friendships don't usually involve too much awkwardness or pressure, assuming you two are compatible.

 

[Jerry]

A couple things come to mind after reading your post. The first is what your expectations are for what a genuine friend is? I sometimes think Hollywood, and Television often give us unreal friendship expectations.

You might want to think about having friends based for the different aspects of your life. For example, if you enjoy live theater, you might want someone to go to the plays with and then discuss afterwards. However, if you like basketball and the theater friend does not, well you might want to find someone who shares that interest.

I guess what the bottom line is to make sure you are not looking for the universal friend but instead start looking for interest specific friends. Consider checking our groups that have a specific interest such as hobbies or clubs etc.

Choose a few and check them out for what kind of people attend and what the group’s activities are. It is much easier to bond when you share a common interest with others.

Last when it comes to conversation, the best rule to follow is to listen 2/3 of the time and talk 1/3 of the time. People like good listeners and believe me they are few and far between. Have a few general questions to ask which start the conversation ball rolling such as, “Tell me about your last vacation, Or how did you go about learning to do?….

Good Luck

 

[Mouse]

Your already having friends around you is good, for no doubt you have nurtured their friendship so to retain them.

Finding new friends, though, is difficult, for people don't automatically land in your hand, so to speak. I find people approach me, rather than I actively go in search for them. It is said a cat will find you if it wishes to make you its friend. So true friends will at some time seek you out, and your nurturing will begin again.

Dad told me that many times that listening is an art. He said "Don't open mouth until brain is in gear". Also Dad said, "Wear a slight smile and always hold eye contact". Meaning the other person will appreciate you are interested in them.

I don't know if that helps, but you don't sound too introspective to me, or, you wouldn't have any friends.

Love, Anna Mouse

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dad told me that many times that listening is an art. He said "Don't open mouth until brain is in gear". Also Dad said, "Wear a slight smile and always hold eye contact". Meaning the other person will appreciate you are interested in them.

I don't know if that helps, but you don't sound too introspective to me, or, you wouldn't have any friends.

Love, Anna Mouse

Your father is a wise man.

 

[Suntory]

I can empathise with the OP - I've been pretty much exactly the same way. I've had friends, but "true" friends seem to elude me. And a spouse would fall into the latter category. I don't really crave loads of friends, just one or two that I really click with. Yet this seems increasinly unlikely to ever happen.

I met a girl a while back - we used to stay up until 7am, just chatting, listening to music. Enjoying each other's company. I felt we were made for each other, and asked her out. She said no, that she only saw us as friends, and promptly found a boyfriend elsewhere. The rejection nearly killed me, literally. And I'm still not over her today, mostly due to the fact that my actions after that point broke the best friendship I'll ever have...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

True friends, ones that last a lifetime, only come along every 10 years.

I have friends like that, ones that I've known since childhood...but forming new friendships is not always easy. Especially for those that already feel socially isolated.

But you have to be a friend to have friends, though. You can't expect them to just fall in your lap.