Uneasiness at the possibility of actual human interaction

[Ymir]

I'm officially in vacations now and a classmate who lives near my house just asked me if I would go to Subway with him, all on him (mind you the most I could eat -- drink, actually -- there would be an iced tea can but I appreciate the thought haha).

I said I couldn't, although I could have said yes.

I always feel genuinely uneasy and hesitant when I have the chance of making stronger bonds with people. When I'm on my own, I think "wow it would be nice to have a closer friend" but usually I drive people away because when it gets to the real deal, I don't actually want to.

I'm not even socially anxious. I have no problems with getting to know people and making friendships which is sorta bad considering I almost never want them. I don't like getting out of them, too.

I've been postponing telling my closest friend of six months (a record) that I can't stand his face anymore and he is as interesting as a white wall and if you've seen my posts on other threads, yes, I'm talking about the one obsessed with his ex-girlfriend. And yes, I've been ignoring him for about a month.

Anyone else can relate or nah?

 

[Batman55]

I'm the same way--I want more interaction, but then when it gets down to it, I tend to pull away. But I also have terrible social anxiety, so that makes me a different animal than you...

 

[Ymir]

Eh, I was expecting that.

My therapist said that most of our feelings and behaviors are learned and I somehow was a very bad student at learning the art of needing close human contact or just contact in general, while still mantaining my social skills. Which she said to be unfortunate. I tend to agree.

I don't think a lot of people can relate to that.

 

[1000lifetimes]

I can - needing close human contact was something I didn't figure out until it was too late. Until recently I operated under the understanding that "if you can't do it alone...you can't do it".

It taught me that if I wan't anything done - I have to put the work in myself - I can't expect anyone else to do it for me. Unfortunately that left me very isolated.

Sometimes it feels like you can do anything someone would ask you (or you'd die trying) - but then you look up and realize nobody's asking you to do anthing.

 

[Case]

Eh, I was expecting that.

My therapist said that most of our feelings and behaviors are learned and I somehow was a very bad student at learning the art of needing close human contact or just contact in general, while still mantaining my social skills. Which she said to be unfortunate. I tend to agree.

I don't think a lot of people can relate to that.

I think many people in this forum could relate to that. When reading your post, I imagined myself also declining this Subway invitation when I was younger. I'm much better now because I have learned to be more social and I don't push people away as much.

But I remember a time when I'd be at a friend's house and their mom would ask me if I wanted something to drink. Having to deal with my friend's mom made me nervous enough, but the idea that I would be asking someone to take out a glass, fill it with ice, pour a beverage into the glass, and hand it to me, made me feel uncomfortable for years. Even such a small detail made me anxious, so I would simply say "No, thanks" just to alleviate the feelings I had about what turns out to be a kind gesture. Later, I realized that these people offering me a drink were quite happy to do so, and so I don't have that anxiety anymore.

If close human contact is something you want, but you find yourself pushing people away, those learned behaviors can be unlearned. Or rather, new behaviors can be learned to replace the old ones, just as I overcame my anxiety about receiving a free drink.

 

[Ymir]

I don't actually want it, though. Just in an idealized setting with idealized people, where dealing with them wouldn't suck the soul out of me, as it usually goes with close friendships or relationships in general. Thing is, in my mind, my reactions are fairly different to how I react to stuff in real life. Intimacy is not something I *actually* want or can deal with.

I'm fairly good at changing my behaviors, but how I feel never changes. Saying yes to that invitation wouldn't make me feel any better in the long run.

It's frustrating, at best.

 

[thegreyman]

I feel the same way, but for different reasons than you. I don't find it easy to make friends (superficial or deep ones) and am very shy. I've had a crush on a guy from another internet message board for several years. He has mostly been unkind to me, and I've been more focused on garnering negative attention from him, because I don't know how to be likeable.

Anyway, a few days ago, he asked me if I would like to speak with him live. This made me very nervous, because I was afraid of stalling in conversation and also I am very insecure about the way my voice sounds.

Having to make conversation seems like a lot of hard work for me. Conversation comes most easily when it is in some for of context and occurs incidentally and organically out of the situation, rather than something that is done for its own sake (eg talking on the phone). In the past, there have been people that I met through online dating sites, but after several long IM conversations, I felt that I'd run completely out of things to talk about and started to avoid these people. It's ALWAYS hard work.

 

[Ymir]

Ohh, yeah.

I can do talking for the sake of talking but it does take some effort. If you want advice, just look for something you can both talk about freely. It might be something as superficial as music taste or something as deep as similar childhood traumas. Usually two people can talk forever about anything if they are comfortable around each other and they feel that the other person will listen.

You should totally give it a try though, perhaps let him know that it is a difficult experience for you due to shyness and that it might not run smoothly. It helps tons when the other person is aware of your difficulties

Hope it all works out for you.

 

[FPL2014]

I guess you are all aware that genuine friendship is rare. A true monstrosity. That's why we tend to feel so "uncomfortable" around other people (I have the same problem described by the OP). No matter how kind the other person is- you always end up wondering to yourself: "Is he/she amiable for real or does he/she want something from me I can't figure out right now?"

The truth is we loners have long learned to see things in life in a particular manner. We are always afraid to get hurt. We have been isolated by nature and/or by circumstances, and we know how utterlly cold, bad and even inhuman people can be. So we tend to keep a safe distance. We don't want to delude ourselves.

I pretty much identify with everything the above posts said, with a slight difference: I would KILL to find a genuine friend.

 

[Ymir]

Update on my situation (not that anyone cares): I got in touch with an old friend of mine and we should go out with her as soon as her knee is recovered from surgery -- yes she is 17 like me -- and I'm actually looking forward to it. She's my oldest and greatest friend so I thought I should give it a try since I'm on vacations and spending them all in my room would be hella boring.

I guess you can call that a genuine friend.

Also, yeah, FPL, I get you... Even though I don't particularly want genuine friends. All you can do is keep looking until you find them, unfortunately.

 

[FPL2014]

Also, yeah, FPL, I get you... Even though I don't particularly want genuine friends. All you can do is keep looking until you find them, unfortunately.

In fact you do.

You should simply read your above posts with wide open eyes to understand why.

 

[Ymir]

Well, yeah, maybe, but not CLOSE GENUINE friends because that would be too much.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Update on my situation (not that anyone cares)

Some people on here do care. It's nice to hear this update, and I'm glad that you are looking forward to spending time with this friend. I totally get you, you know. I like to have genuine friends, and I do have a few in real life, but they're not very close because I tend to distance myself. I am quite an anti-social sometimes. But I do welcome company every now and then. Not sure if this is something similar to your situation, but it sounds like I can relate. So, just saying.

Anyway, good luck with this friend. Hope you'll have a nice time and I do certainly hope for a speedy recovery for your friend on her knee

 

[Outcast]

I feel the same way about any social interaction in general. I have no fear of talking to people, I find it pretty easy to get to know people and start a conversation if I put my mind to it. Mainly because of my personality I tend to mesh well with a variety of people. A part of me really wants to be social and talk to everyone, but the other half feels uneasy and nervous, especially when I start getting close to someone. Which results in me always pushing people away.

Most of the time I would just rather be alone, I think I'm better off. Solitude is the only place I feel comfortable anymore. So I tend to isolate myself.