"Waiting" for love

[Erevetot]

im gonna sound really pathetic, but considering I got noone else to talk to and I really need some advice, I'll post this here.

Im a very emotional person, also very ****** up. For the longest time I managed to cope with things by just numbing my mind, shut everyone out and just go with my daily routine, work-bit of video games-drink till i fall asleep. 
Some months ago I met a chick online, very nice person, lots in common etc. We hit it off, and after seeing what an amazing person she is, but also that she has a lot of issues, many similar to mine, i opened up and let her in. I know how ******* horrible some things make me feel, so I tried helping her get over her own version of them. Time passed, and I started really caring for her. Letting her got so close to me was my mistake, she's very important to me etc, so those "just friendship" feelings became way more than that, and I fell in love with her

She had just went through a rough break up, horrible relationship etc, so I knew that hitting on her so soon after that would be horrible, but i couldnt hide my feelings from her as she could tell something was going on. I let her know how things are etc, expecting her to just completely shut me down etc, but instead she said she's not ready to date atm, but is willing to give us a chance whenever she's ready again. She means a lot to me, so I agreed to wait for her, even if it's not guaranteed we'll be together whenever she's ready to date again. We spend pretty much 24/7 together, I know her very well, and I trust her, so I'm pretty sure she's not just using me for emotional support, she's not that kind of person. 
About a month ago she said she's still not ready to properly date etc, but would be interested in having a casual thing (sexting etc) if I was down for it, as we find each other pretty attractive. That felt great as it was now confirmed she's at least attracted to me appearance-wise, and that she's able to see me as something more than just a friend. 
At times, it feels like she's in love with me too and doesnt understand or want to admit it, and other times it feels like she barely cares about me.
We've set up a "date", I'll be flying over to meet her in person in about a month from now, according to what she said, meeting in real life and having a proper date will help things be more clear on the "us" situation, as in if the date goes well we may start properly dating etc etc.

It all sounds fine and well, but the problem is, this is hurting me a lot. It feels horrible to love someone so much, giving them your everything, and getting nothing back. Normally, I would just cut her out of my life and give myself some time to get over her and heal, but I care for her more than I care about myself tho, so I'm not giving up on her.
Thing is, I honestly don't know if I should. If, for once, I should take care of myself instead of others and end things now instead of having almost daily breakdowns etc.

Any input or advice is welcome, don't sugarcoat anything either

 

[kaetic]

I don't understand.
Everything has risk. Are you maybe getting scared that things might go well?

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Keep doing what you're doing. Things are on the right path. If she's interested in flirty things like sexting with you, this definitely isn't a friendzone scenario or anything like that. She feels pretty strongly about you. Most women (at least the ones who will say they're not ready) generally don't do that at the same time without reason (IE, she likes you a lot). Have you actually done any of it yet, by chance?

But you have to be patient with her. Do not force her or move too quickly with it. Let her come around on her own. She wants to and will in time. Keep enjoying her company and getting to know her; when something more does happen, you'll have one of the strongest foundations for it around.
I don't think you're not getting anything from her; you shouldn't view it like that. That's going to pave the way for brash feelings that will stab you in the foot.

 

[DanL53]

No advice.  Just wishing you the best of fortune with your relationship.

 

[ardour]

A horrible situation.

I hate to say this but it seems clear from your post that she's just using you for a post-breakup ego boost. That's what the sexting is about; it makes her feel sexy while lacking any serious emotional intimacy. Sexting would be one of those curiously narcissistic things that should be an automatic red flag for anyone looking for a serious long term relationship. (Doubt she's interested in seeing your 'sexts' by the way, this is all about her.)

How many situations where a woman says she's "not ready to date atm" result in a relationship further down the road? If she were really interested you would be dating now. And keeping you on a string like this knowing how you feel isn't a nice move. This isn't how a genuine friend behaves. On top of this there's a very strong likelihood of being cast aside and labelled a Nice Guy if you let your feelings of frustration manifest in some manner, and believe me they will eventually because this isn't likely to go anywhere no matter how much time you give it.

By all means maintain the friendship, assuming you feel like she still values you as a friend, but you'll need to distance yourself from her for a while to get over this and cauterize the wound. If she's a half-decent friend she should understand that. Unfortunately there's good chance it won't end well though once you withdraw the attention and you should be prepared for this as well.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

A really horrible situation.

I hate to say this but it seems clear from your post that she's just using you for a post-breakup ego boost. That's what the sexting is about; it makes her feel good, lacking any serious emotional intimacy. Doubt she's interested in seeing your 'sexts' by the way; this is all about her.

How many situations where a woman says she's "not ready to date atm" result in a relationship further down the road?  If she was really interested you would be dating by now. Keeping you on a string like this knowing how you feel isn't a nice move. This isn't how a genuine friend behaves. On top of this there's a very strong likelihood of being cast aside and labelled a Nice Guy if you let your feelings of frustration manifest in some manner, and believe me they eventually will because this isn't likely to go anywhere no matter how much time you give it.

By all means maintain the friendship, assuming you feel like she actually values you as  a friend, but  you'll need to distance yourself from her for a while to get over this, cauterize the wound etc. If she's a half-decent friend she should understand that, but unfortunately there's good chance it won't end well once you withdraw the attention and you should be prepared for this as well.

This is textbook incel think and I really hope you pay it no mind.

Don't wind up just as bitter towards women as this guy.^

 

[ardour]

Nope, my views would be fairly common given the details the OP's provided.

I think you're a troll, smirking away in safe anonymity while trying to set this guy up for more pain. I might be wrong of course, people can be incredibly stupid.

OP: The fact that she’s willing to exchange sexts with a male acquaintance she’s not even romantically involved with should tell you enough.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Nope, my views would be fairly common given the details the OP's provided.

I think you're troll, smirking away in safe anomymity while trying to set this guy up for more pain.  I might be wrong of course, people can be incredibly stupid.

OP: The fact that she’s willing to exchange ‘sexts’ with a male acquaintance she’s not even romantically involved with should tell you enough.

Do you even know what an incel is? Because I've seen all your posts; too much in fact; and you are a classic case of one.


Pfft, and you think I'm trying to set him up? Bro, I've lived through a situation very similar to this just last year. I know what I'm talking about. The makings of something really nice are on the horizon, but it needs to be approached with some finesse.

On the flip side, you're only trying to set him up, unintentionally granted, to live the same miserable life you have led romantically. Miserable people like you only involuntary spread more of that same misery.
Your life hasn't been, and WON'T be mine, simply because I thankfully don't think like you, especially about women and relationships.

Get off the incel mindset. But it might be too late for you. It's not for the OP, though.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Don't waste your time Enpatsu.


Also as a reminder there is no name calling around here.  I see it again, especially from those who have been around here long enough to know better, will be finding themselves on vacation.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Don't waste your time Enpatsu.


Also as a reminder there is no name calling around here.  I see it again, especially from those who have been around here long enough to know better, will be finding themselves on vacation.

Sorry, I just really didn't want the OP to give up based solely on one miserable guy's post. I had to rebut it.

 

[DanL53]

A horrible situation.

I hate to say this but it seems clear from your post that she's just using you for a post-breakup ego boost. That's what the sexting is about; it makes her feel good, lacking any serious emotional intimacy. Sexting would be one of those curiously narcissistic things that should be an automatic red flag for anyone looking for a serious long term relationship. (Doubt she's interested in seeing your 'sexts' by the way, this is all about her.)

How many situations where a woman says she's "not ready to date atm" result in a relationship further down the road?  If she was really interested you would starting to date by now. And keeping you on a string like this knowing how you feel isn't a nice move. This isn't how a genuine friend behaves. On top of this there's a very strong likelihood of being cast aside and labelled a Nice Guy if you let your feelings of frustration manifest in some manner, and believe me they will eventuallybecause this isn't likely to go anywhere no matter how much time you give it.

By all means maintain the friendship, assuming you feel like she still values you as  a friend, but  you'll need to distance yourself from her for a while to get over this and cauterize the wound. If she's a half-decent friend she should understand that.  Unfortunately there's good chance it won't end well though once you withdraw the attention and you should be prepared for this as well.

I wouldn't mind being used for a post breakup ego boost.  If any guy or girl needs a boost let me know.  Particularly if sexting could be a thing sometime down the line.

It would be nice if sometime I could aspire to something better.  But I'll take what I can get!  I'm not ready for a permanent isolation booth just yet.

In the words of the great Warren Zevon, "Gonna hurl myself against the wall, cause I'd rather feel bad than not feel...anything at all!"

 

[ardour]

She's prepared to mess around with your feelings. It’s going to push you into a dark hole for years when things ultimately don't end up where you want. I’m just pointing it out and plenty of people would agree with that BTW. Years of your life wasted obsessing over someone with next to no consideration for you, instead of looking for a woman you can actually form a healthy relationship with (or at minimum gain some valuable experience).

Just an opinion on a forum. Even if I were an incel (lol) that doesn’t invalidate a point.

Edit: This obsessive guy spends all day here reading posting histories. Forget this exchange - what about other members? Taunting a guy with an obvious infatuation via sexts, sound like a keeper to anyone?

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Even if I were an incel (lol)  that doesn’t invalidate a point of view.

And this is the single most untrue thing ever posted on this forum. For a multitude of reasons.



My point in arguing with this guy, OP, was to hopefully not let posts like this discourage you. I think you have a really cool friendship with this girl and you both obviously want the same thing. There are definitely still some barriers between you, but I know you can work them out and make the both of you quite happy in the end.

Everything worthwhile requires some risk and a lot of effort. You fail if you never try at all, just remember that.

Keep me updated on what happens.

 

[TheRealCallie]

How long have you known this girl? You aren't really clear on that. Have you met you in person?

Honestly, I agree with everyone and no one. She will, eventually, makes her true intentions known, but one thing I am sure about is that even if she is being sincere and not using you (I'm not saying she is, I'm not saying she isn't), you are the rebound guy and rebounds rarely work out.
My advice would be to slow down, go back to being friends, don't do anything sexual. Not yet. It's too soon for that, just be there for her and help her without getting sexually involved, even if it's just sexting.

 

[Erevetot]

[quote pid='899072' dateline='1553768402']
How long have you known this girl?  You aren't really clear on that.  Have you met you in person?

Honestly, I agree with everyone and no one.  She will, eventually, makes her true intentions known, but one thing I am sure about is that even if she is being sincere and not using you (I'm not saying she is, I'm not saying she isn't), you are the rebound guy and rebounds rarely work out.  
My advice would be to slow down, go back to being friends, don't do anything sexual.  Not yet. It's too soon for that, just be there for her and help her without getting sexually involved, even if it's just sexting.
[/quote]

We known each other for about 5 months now, with things changing about 2 months ago. And no, we haven't met in person yet, we have set a "date" in about a month tho, I'll be flying over to her to spend a week together as we both agree that'll help us see if we "go well together" etc
And thank you for your advice, but there is no chance of going back to being friends on my end, only way to do that is cut her off and get over her. If she does end up dating someone else instead of me, or finding out she's not interested in dating me when she feels ready to love again etc, I will be cutting ties to be able to fix myself up

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

At least you're actually going to give it a shot. Nice. Someone with balls. I wish you good luck, man.

5 months of nearly 24/7 and then 2 full months of a mutual attraction? Things look really good. Once you actually meet in person, I think your paranoia will subside quite a bit.
It is hard to 'trust' someone you only know online when things start getting serious, but meeting in person is the next threshold. The next level. It's one of the goals in a LDR and few even get that far; let alone have the added benefit of a long past of such a solid friendship. I'd be way more hopeful than worried, man. All signs point good.

Just keep up the natural pace. Don't let your doubt or pessimistic downers who give up before they even try sabotage you.

 

[charmeleon]

Is it the same girl you mentioned in another thread?

 

[Erevetot]

Is it the same girl you mentioned in another thread?

yup, same one

 

[TheRealCallie]

[quote pid='899072' dateline='1553768402']
How long have you known this girl?  You aren't really clear on that.  Have you met you in person?

Honestly, I agree with everyone and no one.  She will, eventually, makes her true intentions known, but one thing I am sure about is that even if she is being sincere and not using you (I'm not saying she is, I'm not saying she isn't), you are the rebound guy and rebounds rarely work out.  
My advice would be to slow down, go back to being friends, don't do anything sexual.  Not yet. It's too soon for that, just be there for her and help her without getting sexually involved, even if it's just sexting.

We known each other for about 5 months now, with things changing about 2 months ago. And no, we haven't met in person yet, we have set a "date" in about a month tho, I'll be flying over to her to spend a week together as we both agree that'll help us see if we "go well together" etc
And thank you for your advice, but there is no chance of going back to being friends on my end, only way to do that is cut her off and get over her. If she does end up dating someone else instead of me, or finding out she's not interested in dating me when she feels ready to love again etc, I will be cutting ties to be able to fix myself up
[/quote]

I'm not saying give up on being with her. I'm saying slow it down until you know her true intentions and so she has time to process everything and make it less likely that you will be a full blown rebound guy. I'm saying leave the sexual stuff out of it so both of you can process everything and make sure of what both you and her want.

 

[Erevetot]

I'm not saying give up on being with her. I'm saying slow it down until you know her true intentions and so she has time to process everything and make it less likely that you will be a full blown rebound guy. I'm saying leave the sexual stuff out of it so both of you can process everything and make sure of what both you and her want.

No I get what you mean. Thing is the only way for my dumb brain to slow things down is to end things with her. And I see the sexual stuff as progress, stoping that will not only feel like we've taken a step back, but will also amplify the worry that she'll find someone else before I get a chance to date her, as (according to what she's saying at least) while we're doing stuff together she wont do anything with anyone else.
And tbh I dont think im a rebound guy, at least not full blown. She could have started things earlier than she did, or choose someone else instead of me, I know there is a way better looking than me dude chasing her but she's shutting him off and chose me instead