Weakness and Relationships

[bodafuko]

The topic of this post is weakness and relationships. I'll explain further. What I am pondering is the correlation between being able to show vulnerability and whether that makes you an attractive mate.

Life hardens us. There is no doubt about that. Some of us just get there sooner rather than later in life. My life put me in situations from a very early age where I was victimized on account of being weak. This weakness takes many forms: being young and naive, being young and small, being honest and trusting, being sheltered and gentle. I know not all of these things can be characterized as "weak", but to some extent, having those traits does predispose a person to being taken advantage of. So for the purpose of this post, I will use the term weakness synonymously with vulnerable. Ok, enough of the rambling and qualifying.

Life hardened me. I was victimized in a wide array of ways on a multitude of occasions in my younger years. I came to loathe weakness and learned to fortify my strengths at every opportunity.

What I've encountered time and time again over the years is a phenomenon that I believe I am beginning to understand. Weakness - or, vulnerability - is attractive to potential mates. Why? I am formulating a theory. I believe being weak means "needing" someone. When another person feels that you "need" them, they feel secure in your commitment to care for them, love them, nurture them, etc.

Several relationships have ended for me soon after a partner attempted to get a display of pain or hurt or emotional breakdown from me with tactics. Instead, what they were met with was resolve. Plain and simple. When push comes to shove I am a fighter. I don't do weakness. That is not to say I don't want to be in a relationship, because I do.

Why does it seem that people NEED their partners to be WEAK for them?

 

[isthatso]

My first reaction would be that
1) showing our weakness can actually be a strength. Show another we don't need to appear perfect.
2) power differential..makes the other person feel they have some "dirt" on you...(cynical viewpoint)..they can use at a later date. (avoid these people like the plague because they tend to be manipulative a...holes)
3) there's warmth about a person who admits their mistakes, failings
4) makes the other person feel more relaxed and trusting and willing to admit their failings too.

 

[bodafuko]

I see your points. I just draw a distinction between flaws and weakness. I readily admit my flaws, but refuse to show weakness.

Example: I will admit that I am not a good artist. While at the same time, not giving a damn if someone mocked my work.

 

[isthatso]

I see your points. I just draw a distinction between flaws and weakness. I readily admit my flaws, but refuse to show weakness.

Example: I will admit that I am not a good artist. While at the same time, not giving a damn if someone mocked my work.

OK mm need to clarify further.....

me
flaw not good with my hands
weakness afraid of pushy people
flaw can't speak confidently when giving a speech
weakness sometimes pass the buck

No I'm still confused. You mean you won't back down in an argument? don't compromise?...still not sure

 

[bodafuko]

Sure, no problem. This is an interesting conversation. These terms of very subjective and have a lot of connotative differences depending on how an individual uses them. My point isn't to get caught up in semantics or precise definitions though, instead, it is to clearly convey an idea.

In my opinion, a flaw is something that a person is imperfect at. Whereas, a weakness is a tendency to be "affected" by others. These are two very, very different things.

Your initial response seemed to cite (what I would consider to be) flaws. Every human has them. We all have weaknesses too. I am not concerned about people seeing my shortcomings. That sentence right there sums it up if you analyze it. I am "not concerned" (aka: not weak) about people seeing my "shortcomings" (flaws). I refuse to be weak. It doesn't mean that I refuse to be wrong or imperfect.

Refusal to be weak means that you refuse to be affected by others - especially attempts by others to attack you on any level: physical, mental, or spiritual.

Take for instance when people are cruel and say cruel things. For instance, "Hey, you are fat!"

- Flaw: Yes, I am fat
- Weakness: No, because I truly don't care what they just said to me

---

Read "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Dr. Wayne Dyer and you will not regret it. It's impossible to read that book and walk away without an integral understanding of this concept.

 

[Tiina63]

I find it hard to show weakness because people have criticised and rejected me for it. I have felt all my life so much pressure to appear to be strong and 'perfect' and I hate it, as it is a heavy load to carry. Often when people hurt me I can't show it, because I am afraid that they will hurt me more for being hurt. I want to just be me, to be weak and imperfect and not to have to hide my feelings so much of the time.

 

[bodafuko]

I find it hard to show weakness because people have criticised and rejected me for it. I have felt all my life so much pressure to appear to be strong and 'perfect' and I hate it, as it is a heavy load to carry. Often when people hurt me I can't show it, because I am afraid that they will hurt me more for being hurt. I want to just be me, to be weak and imperfect and not to have to hide my feelings so much of the time.

Bingo

 

[Okiedokes]

I find it hard to show weakness because people have criticised and rejected me for it. I have felt all my life so much pressure to appear to be strong and 'perfect' and I hate it, as it is a heavy load to carry. Often when people hurt me I can't show it, because I am afraid that they will hurt me more for being hurt. I want to just be me, to be weak and imperfect and not to have to hide my feelings so much of the time.

Yep.. same here..couldn't have said it better. Although me hiding my feelings itself, is a weakness.

I don't see weaknesses as failures or anything though...simply human. Everybody has them.

 

[perfanoff]

Weakness.. has mostly been unattractive for a long time. Two thousand years ago, in Homer's Illiad, all the good/benevolent characters were strong, handsome and the like, and the evil characters, the betrayers and the schemers, all had physical defects. That much is ingrained deeply in human nature. Egalitarianism was invented much later and as we all know not many genuinely buy it.

There's too much pressure for people to show their strongest side. I can count by the fingers of one hand the people who I'd show my sensitive side. I've learned that even most SOs should not know about them......

And I don't agree with OP about partners. I've only gotten in a relationship when I was at the peaks of my life, never the other way around.

 

[el Jay]

Both of my relationships occurred out of some sort of "weakness," due to past problems. My first girlfriend had been heavily emotionally abused in her previous (and only other, at the time) relationship, while I was extremely lonely and isolated from the rest of the world at the time (I was 19) after having finished high school after my several years of being bullied. We broke up almost a year later because we didn't actually have much in common, and it was long distance. It was very mutual and we remain friendly with each other.

My other girlfriend was the emotionally abusive (but not intentionally so) one I had for several years that's left me even worse off. She had gone through bullying in school herself, and after talking a lot about it one night (we met online), she developed feelings for me. It was probably just a combination of loneliness and feeling there was someone else she could relate to, because as time went on she seemed to be less and less close to me as she got more depressed, only being cheered up by things besides me (like getting a job, starting to make real friends, etc). When she broke up, it hit me so hard because I haven't been able to "recover" like she did, and she had basically told me that she felt nothing for me anymore, and resented my inability to "get over" my own issues.

I've never had a relationship not founded on "weaknesses," and the idea of one honestly seems almost alien to me.

 

[Veruca]

I don't think showing weakness makes one less or more attractive, I think its more of a question of what kind of weakness it is and it depends on the kind of people involved.

For example, some women might be turned off by a guy who is needy/clingy which they might consider to be a weakness, but at the same time, some women might find comfort in being needed.

In general though, I think its safe to say that at some point in any relationship, it is expected of each other to express vulnerability so that a deeper bond can be formed

 

[bodafuko]

I think its safe to say that at some point in any relationship, it is expected of each other to express vulnerability so that a deeper bond can be formed

Why must "a deeper bond" only be forged by shared weakness? What is so essential about vulnerability? This affirms my initial position that people have a strong compulsion to locate vulnerabilities in their partners.

To a previous poster, there is a difference between what is initially attractive in a stranger and what is attractive in your significant other. I'm no stranger to the studies of attraction. In general, when first attempting to gain the interest of a woman, a man showing any weakness is generally a big turnoff. That much I know. However, I've found that once in that relationship, she will try and try and pry and pry to find a weakness. When one is found, she may resent you for being weak. If one isn't found, she will resent you for being cold.

Hence the natural failing of human relationships. The nature of all things is to ... move on.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I think you aren't so much talking about weakness and it's role in forming and affecting relationships as much as you are describing the bahvior some people might observe under some circumstances.

Usually these kinds of situations arise out of people with mutual weaknesses working together.

A strong, confident, independent man, who also is comfortable with his femininity, and knows when to use his emotional side and when to bare his chest hairs so to speak, probably would not find himself in these types of situations. His woman is equally strong and in tune in all the ways he is. They would be too busy facing the world together as a team, than to get tied up in wars with eachother, picking away at defenses, and trying to find weaknesses to exploit.

 

[perfanoff]

Some people are able to stick together though. My brother's been with his girlfriend for 8 years.

 

[bodafuko]

I think you aren't so much talking about weakness and it's role in forming and affecting relationships as much as you are describing the bahvior some people might observe under some circumstances.

Usually these kinds of situations arise out of people with mutual weaknesses working together.

A strong, confident, independent man, who also is comfortable with his femininity, and knows when to use his emotional side and when to bare his chest hairs so to speak, probably would not find himself in these types of situations. His woman is equally strong and in tune in all the ways he is. They would be too busy facing the world together as a team, than to get tied up in wars with eachother, picking away at defenses, and trying to find weaknesses to exploit.

You can't be serious.

 

[Veruca]

I think its safe to say that at some point in any relationship, it is expected of each other to express vulnerability so that a deeper bond can be formed

Why must "a deeper bond" only be forged by shared weakness? What is so essential about vulnerability? This affirms my initial position that people have a strong compulsion to locate vulnerabilities in their partners.

It certainly isn't a must. Just what I think is generally expected. And most importantly, by no means does this apply to everyone.

Also, if we're talking about a healthy relationship, I don't think its always about locating vulnerabilities in one's partner, its more about supporting each other. Its about accepting that everyone has weaknesses, to be humbled by this knowledge and to support each other either to overcome these weaknesses, or if they cannot be overcome, to be validated as a worthy human being despite these weaknesses. This is what I meant by forming a deeper bond.

But again, this is just my observation thus far, and there are certainly exceptions. Not everyone needs to express their weaknesses in order for the relationship to evolve. It is just one possible subtopic

 

[ajdass1]

When someone you care about - say, someone you're in a relationship or close friendship with - is hurting, it hurts you too. Well, it does to me. And you want to help them, because you care about them. It's not some adversarial, cynical need to have an emotional hold on you. It's something humans do to tend each others' emotional wounds. And you said it yourself - you have been victimized in the past. Of course I don't know anything but what you put in your post, but it sounds to me like your past partners have been picking up on this and they've tried to get you to talk about it but you've clammed up and pushed them away.

Another thing is, if someone were to be completely incapable of sharing their emotions with me I might be hurt. Do they not trust me enough? Is there something wrong with me? What if the way they're acting is interfering with the relationship but they refuse to deal with it and my needs aren't being met?

If the relationship itself gets rocky and they refuse to talk about it or admit anything's wrong, it also doesn't seem like that's a relationship that can last.

Anyway that's a few of my thoughts on that subject.

 

[bodafuko]

When someone you care about - say, someone you're in a relationship or close friendship with - is hurting, it hurts you too. Well, it does to me. And you want to help them, because you care about them. It's not some adversarial, cynical need to have an emotional hold on you. It's something humans do to tend each others' emotional wounds. And you said it yourself - you have been victimized in the past. Of course I don't know anything but what you put in your post, but it sounds to me like your past partners have been picking up on this and they've tried to get you to talk about it but you've clammed up and pushed them away.

Another thing is, if someone were to be completely incapable of sharing their emotions with me I might be hurt. Do they not trust me enough? Is there something wrong with me? What if the way they're acting is interfering with the relationship but they refuse to deal with it and my needs aren't being met?

If the relationship itself gets rocky and they refuse to talk about it or admit anything's wrong, it also doesn't seem like that's a relationship that can last.

Anyway that's a few of my thoughts on that subject.

You make some good points and I appreciate your opinion. I agree with almost everything you said, actually, it's just that it's not what I'm referring to.

I'm speaking more to some people having a need to "cause" or "generate" situations to provoke a weakness response. I'm not talking about being closed off or uncaring or unsharing. Quite the opposite, I've always been an incredibly open and unshamefully emotional person.

I have just experienced people seeming to want to elicit reactions from me that would come from a standpoint of weakness.

For instance, a girlfriend openly flirting with another guy in front of you, clearly to get a reaction. Most guys would be jealous and angry, make a scene, blow up, and give her what she wants. A reaction.

I'm the type to say "Yah, he's hot, you should **** him." I'm not going to be manipulated into positions of weakness. I can't be alone in feeling that people in my life always try to place me in a position of weakness and feel incredibly uncomfortable when I operate from a position of strength.

Again, it has nothing to be with being cold. It has everything to do with not being victimized and controlled.

 

[Lilianna]

I had someone in my life that did that to me, pushed all my buttons on purpose, to make me feel bad and angry all the time. It was hell, this person is evil and sadly (because I had to completely cut them out of my life) happened to be a family member. But the lesson I learned was to NEVER let anyone do that to me again, I can see when someone is being that way now, and it's 3 strikes and they are out now, I figure the first 2 times can be a mistake or testing me or God knows what, but if they do it after me pointing it out twice they are history. I don't need stress and negativity in my life, life is stressful enough. I am obviously a sensitive person and can't take being around unfeeling people.

But, if someone simply is commenting on a photo I took, in a constructive way, or how I make coffee, or something similar, that of course is a different story. I don't care what people think of me or what I do, unless they turn out to be "bad" people.

 

[isthatso]

This feels like some kind of enigmatic thread where we have to keep guessing until we finally understand what the OP means.

You feel as if partners test your boundaries to see what they can get a way with? And the partners you attract seem to be especially inclined to test boundaries? eg. making you jealous? even harass or bully you? then you refuse to "take the bait"...ie. react to said teasing/harassment. If so, I think that is a smart move in a way. Don't get sucked into the drama(s).

I think I attract certain types of "boundary testers"...or even bullies because my confidence is variable and by boundaries are blurry. My current theory is I attract bully types who love and expect confident, "black and white' leadership with strong opinions. My opinions are often hedged ie. each way bets. "if you look at it this way".." on the other hand if you look at it this way"...I'm thinking some women especially don't like this hesitant kind of personality. Just current theory mind you.