I tried this morning to be calm and to try to let my thoughts settle, but ended up going on a rant to myself about, you know - my favorite group of people in the whole world. I know it sounds bad, but sometimes I just sit here downstairs at my desk and start ranting out loud to myself about how much I hate them and how they are the elite chosen few first-class citizens of the dating world and how much I want to see life turn the tables on them and blow up in their face and how satisfying that would be, and I run through every swear, slur, and combination of the above imaginable. I work myself up into a trembling rage, I get almost rabid. It gets to the point where I feel physically exhausted, even short of breath and physically hurting.
The point is, I'm starting to worry about the effects these paranoia or rage episodes have had on my health. I've been an angry, negative person almost all my life. Certainly since I started school, anyway, so that's 24 years. I wonder if my insides show 24 years of damage, just the same as if I'd been a heavy smoker. Sometimes I worry now that the damage is done from a life of bottled anger and now I'm just a ticking time bomb for cancer or a heart attack and there's nothing I can do now. I know I have to stop getting so angry or being in a constant state of anger, but I worry that it's already too late.
I also wonder if my presence has made other people around me sick. Just my negative aura. I'm especially worried about my mom and my dog. If just being around me has caused them damage somehow. Like I'm some kind of toxic presence. I'd feel just terrible if I wound up poisoning everybody like that.
