The thing I'm thinking about right now was what I thought up a couple moments ago before having to register and sign up to this site...
Being alone is a time for self reflection and contemplation. Ask your self what your purpose is and the purpose of what existence is. Why do we feel this need for companionship? Is this just a natural occurence caused by our animal instincts or is this something much more advanced beyond known comprehension?
Right now, I am alone. The more alone I am, the more I learn about what I feel. Learning to accept and be more empathetic to my surroundings.
I am a 30 year old man who feels and acts much younger then what is asked for in a 30 year old. I have 2 failed marriages and 2 kids. Each child from each exwife. Lost a job, 2nd marriage is failing, riddled with debt, and moving back in with my parents.
And this is what is happening currently. I could go back and tell you about the countless amounts of times having to goto psychiatrical hospitals. Dealing with depression all through out my life.Doing drugs such as weed, amt, dmt, 5meo-dipt, shrooms, lsd, 2ct7, ayahuasca, cocaine, crack. Having to have teachers escort me from class to class so that other students wouldnt beat me up(because they thought i narced on some kid from a drug bust). And because of this event of getting arrested at school and everyone thinking I narced on him was at a school in a smaller city, everyone knew. Hence, I couldnt go to any stores because I would get harassed, couldnt goto any friends house because their parents didnt want me around. No friends, only enemies. Noone liked me, noone wanted me around. All you have is your bitterness, your loneliness, and your sadness. I was utterly alone. Rejected from society. In my room, crying continuously.
Needless to say my experiences with human interaction has caused some anxiety in my behaviour.
Because of my past experiences, I have noticed some tendencies of being distant. Its hard for me to express how im feeling, and hard for me to show someone that I care. Afraid of opening up, making myself vulnerable.
I am not one that you should try and control. That is the reason for failed marriages. Unhappy woman whos reality is out of control for them and by creating an artificial sense of control, they would try controlling their husband, "me".
I have several dilemmas at the moment regarding the future.
Should I try and get back out in the playing field of relationships??
I have all sorts of baggage. I was married twice already and I have 2 kids. What woman in their right mind would be interested in m?
Or should I bask in solitude, and try and create inner harmony within my person?
Right now, Im trying to figure out who I am, and why im here. Are we here just so we can collect paycheck after paycheck and watch reality TV? Are we here, so that we can ridicule everyone around us in hopeing to make yourself feel just a little better? Is purpose to drown ourselves in chemical dependancies? Is purpose irrationality?
I feel as if I am a torchered soul. Being tormented by outside forces. Im trying to find wholeness with self but by body tries and rejects.
Surrounding myself amongst nature is what truely makes me happy. Steering away from this artificial reality we like to live in.
