What Do I FREAKING WANT?

[AFrozenSoul]

It has been one of those annoying days. Today has been the worst by far. I have been having, I guess you would call it an internal conflict within myself. The part of me that I thought I had killed and buried seems to be still alive and it is really pissing me off. I mean... why can't that annoying bit of hope that I had all those months ago die? That bit of me seems to just keep on living. No matter what I say to myself no matter what I do... it just keeps on going. I just hate it because it makes me feel hypocritical, which gives me even more incentive to die. I find myself reliving frustrations I have with either of my roommates. Their main problem is the fact that they do not put forth the effort to change or improve or anything. Then they get upset at their lack of results how they gain weight or how they cannot get a girl or how they cannot stick to a diet. At the end of the day they do not put forth a conscious effort to do anything. I know with my weight loss I put forth the effort. Then I get hit really hard in my eyes.

Because I am running around telling them how much they suck because they have no dedication. Yet here I am saying I am just going to kill myself because there is no point. I am who I am and I was cursed with... well being a nothing and a loser. I find the most convient excuse, my genes and then run off. However, I am pretty sure that deep down I have not accepted it. That is why I have these moments. That is why I am still around at these places. I wonder if I really do want to get help. I can find any excuse not to get help. I do not know.. my mind is kind of floating... I have to deal with the roommate being whiny because I want to sleep, god forbid right?

Anyway, I am not sure what I want to do. I know, in my heart, that one simple thing can fix me. That thing is sexual activity. Some may not have noticed me running around talking about how females are repulsed by me. However, right now that feels like it is a desperate attempt to escape responsibility. I mean I have met plenty of guys out there who live and die by certain methods. I read.. a chunk of the book. I have even read the blogs people have made. Where they start out similar to me. Then slowly over the next couple of months they break out and start getting what I want. I mean this product sells out weekend classes at $3000 a pop regularly and quickly. I mean the company holds an annual conference and sells out tickets that range anywhere from $1000 to $7000. Hell the forum is 1000 times more supportive than most forums I have been too. And that forum is supposed to be filled with scum... well by the standards of the other places I have gone too. Then again those other places have people who struggle just as much as me. Much like me they all do not know what to do and most are not willing to make the biggest sacrifice of all... change.

I have noticed more and more and more change is a taboo word. I know that people fear change. Hell I feared it back when I started working out... but then change occurred and something positive happened. I was healthier... people noticed something positive... I do not know, change suddenly became evolution. Because regardless of how much time I spent at the gym I was still me at the core. I was not becoming someone new who would cause trouble and be.. I do not know feared.. My hobbies and interests all stayed the same. I enjoyed the rush and the feeling.. I do not know happy and accomplished... proud, confident... you know stuff like that. Stuff that I felt while I was having sex. I do not know... I am confused...

I know that part of my fall came from stress. I was in a shitty job, I was job hunting, I was not sure where I was going to live. However, for a brief moment, once I had my new job I was relaxed... almost happy. Things were looking up. The stress of a crappy job and of getting rejected for jobs killed my hope. Right around my fall, as I will call it, was a REALLY stressful REALLY SHITTY time. My boss basically told me that I had received a negative label. I had to start job hunting. I was failing interviews, life was hard. There was also the holidays... I just hate winter holidays in general. Top that off with a job you hate... well.... yeah I would fall.. there was so much negative in my life. Like I said once I found my new job and was settling in I was much more relaxed. I was alone, I was ready to start a new chapter. Things were good, and I was enjoying what I was doing. Then my next fall came with my move. Yet another stressful time. Not only that I was moving into a stressful environment.

It is not that I do not like my roommate... it is more that I feel I need to be alone to evolve. The growth and change have to occur by myself. I know that this roommate has an interest in being better with females as well.. however... I feel sometimes I need to do something by myself. Too much of my old self is still attached to him. I mean I really hate it. However, he is just stressful and inconsiderate as well. I mean he has an annoying habit where it cannot be silent. If I am in the room and there is nothing on the TV.. he has to talk.. he just has to talk. If his attention is not occupied again he has to talk. He just won't shut up... that is stressful for me. Sometimes I like to focus on my own. He does a lot of the lemming stuff as well. He always tags along on errands. For example I had to return some cleaning supplies to my mom. He tagged along because he had nothing to do. Whenever I do not explicitly invite him along on things he makes things tense and awkward, in a bad way. I mean I am not sure what I can do... especially since he says he wants to get on my diet.

That is another thing I am starting up a new diet. It is called the Paleo diet. I read a book prescribed to me by my crossfit gym.. and I like what I read. The results he shows in the book speak for themselves. The book even claimed that it could help reverse the effects of depression. Which I am all for... at the same time I do not know. The last time I tried to take a roommate on a diet with me. He made me feel bad whenever he slipped up. Hell my mom is already making me feel bad because she wants to have a graduation party, but has to take my diet into consideration. I do not know, I am exicted to start the diet.. at the same time I am worried.. again I do not know.

I do not know... my mind is cluttered and disorganized right now. I feel terrible because I am being hypocritical, at least in my mind. I feel hopeful because maybe I can change. I feel hateful because of what I have been trying to convince myself of... I do not know I really do not know. Part of me feels like I should reach out for help more... part of me does not want to do that. Part of me is paranoid of being judged. There is the part of me that is paranoid of being forgotten. I was forgotten once by my sister... part of me wishes my cat would die so I could get depressed and kill myself.

I just wish I could focus my mind... anyway thanks for reading.. I hope this made sense and that someone might be able to... I guess advise me...

 

[DigitxGeno]

You write a lot buddy, I got dizzy by just looking at your post. But I managed :]

If feels like your over analyzing things, that is enough to make your stressful situation even worse. Your thinking about all these problems at once when you should be focusing on one.
But really, good job with your weight loss. It really isn't easy to change. And you know yourself the positive effects of that change. You contemplate suicide, but you want to live out your life.

Now let me ask you a strange question.

Suppose while you sleep tonight, your room quiet, a miracle happens. The miracle is that someone solved your problems which have brought you to write this very long post. However because you have slept, you did not know the miracle has happened. So, when you wake up tomorrow morning, what would be different that tells you that a miracle happened, and the problem that brought you here became solved?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Mmmmm...If you want candie.
Go to a candy store.?

Its like you have been doing a lOt of everything else
But actually going to the candy store....

Pua seminars or another diet is a distraction of you
Actually going to the candie store.

If hang around candie long enough....eventually
Your gonna eat some candy.

---

Uou have more than enough informatoons.
Sometimes too much information will mess you
Up.

Tips snd strategies might improve your average.
But must be at the ball game and do actual
Participatoons..

---

And the quality of candy also depends on the
Quantity of candy....

Depending were you live....sometimes theyre dime
A dozen.

Othet times itd slim picking...
A 5 might act like shes a 10 because the oddd
Are in her favor.

You giatta have serious attitude to be able to
Tell hot candy to fresia off or reject them.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Anyway when i was writing the above...
I was actaully hanging out with chick.......

But thingd of it is.....i met this chick yhrough
My friend.
My friend and had been hanging out...
And hes been hitting on differnt women.

But thered like a fucken pattern.
They reject him then talk to me....

He accused me of cock blocking him
And all kinds of other stupid honeysuckle.

I dont really give a rats ass one way or
The other if theze women talk to me or not.
Im friendly with these women never the lest.

Theres somthing about him that truns off
These women.....

 

[putter65]

Anyway when i was writing the above...
I was actaully hanging out with chick.......

But thingd of it is.....i met this chick yhrough
My friend.
My friend and had been hanging out...
And hes been hitting on differnt women.

But thered like a fucken pattern.
They reject him then talk to me....

He accused me of cock blocking him
And all kinds of other stupid honeysuckle.

I dont really give a rats ass one way or
The other if theze women talk to me or not.
Im friendly with these women never the lest.

Theres somthing about him that truns off
These women.....

what is wrong with your friend though ?

Why don't women like him ?

Women don't like me (in a romantic way) but nobody has ever told me why. They keep telling me how 'nice' I am.

 

[SophiaGrace]

nice is code for boring and bland.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@DigitxGeno: Sorry, I have a lot on my mind as you can see. Anyway, I came to a similar conclusion, about the focusing, about a year and a half ago. Maybe I am just getting impatient. Seems like the weight loss is taking too long.

Though you ask a good question, no one has ever asked me that before.... The simple answer is I would be receiving a lot more female interest and have a great deal more sexual activity. However, I am pretty sure that I could not comprehend why and stick to my usual pattern.

@Lonesome Crow: Yes you have a good point I am information hording to hide from going out and doing. I have been doing that with the social thing for years. With fitness it has been easy to keep doing what I am doing...

As for your friend, that sounds like the person I am to most females. They skip right over me and go to that other guy. If that is going to be my future why bother?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Here are some differences.

Im a bit jadded.lol
On the flip side of being jadded. When i dont really give a honeysuckle one way or the other
anymore. I also dont WORRY what people thinks or say about me anymore.
My expecrtations had gone out the window...by defualt I'm a bit more open and relaxed.

Plus you might also notice Ive been accused of being CHILDISH or immature.lmao.
However these women have told me that I act alot younger than my age or
Im a bit more playful with a young heart and mind. Im not always serious most
of the time. Im still nice.

I notice the women will interact with me...being more playful.
We have more body contacts. We laugh and joke about whatever.
Sometimes its a bit silly but it's just more relaxed.
But these women feels comfortiable and can just BE.
Instead of thinking or trying to behaved.
We're not talking about the stock market or rocket science
when we interact or socialize.
Just going with the flow kind of thing.

In som many ways when I interact the these women...Im distracting myself from all the bullshit that's
in my head.

I dont tell these women i wanna be thier BF or give them a bunch of lines
or promises.
When I compliment them...its in a tone of..
"You're good looking..I know that you know that I know you're good looking..ect"

Verse my friend would just have converstations with them.
Somehow or another it's dry and borning to these women.
I dont really listen to their conversations....I dont really care one way or the other.
I've notice him complimentng these women...but it's the same old honeysuckle
they heard from thousand of men that cross thier path.

Ive been rejected plenty of times or certain women wont give me time
of the day or we just dont click. I dont really latch on to that or I let go of it easily.
Im jadded....i dont really care or worry.
it's kind of like in my head im like..."*****, you just dont know..and I dont really give a fresia..you're not all that..ect"
Just like the other night when a typical hot blonde chick was flirting with me. After 1/2 hour of her fucken BS,
I wasnt clicking with her. Her personality totally turned me off. I was like Oh fucken will...

I aint that hung up on blondes.
Brunettes are just as playful.lmao
[youtube]_b_NNYxEbbg[/youtube]

 

[Poguesy]

A life.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: Lol, I am not hung up on blondes either. My sisters spent their childhood bleaching.

So you are saying your indifference to whether or not that will be with you attracts them?

@Poguesy: Or a bullet, the bullet is easier to get.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah.....I guess. Cuase they're only humans.
Most of them are in thier 20s or 30s.
And they had exs or past relationships...ect, ect
Some of them are just about as jadded as I am.
I see the looks of pains and love in thier eyes at the sametime.

What my friend have been doing.
He'll go on and on about how he can support them and how they need to
treated right. It's like he's almost poposing to them right off the freaken
bat. Thats some pretty heavy and serious honeysuckle to be laying on chicks you just
met....So i dont know if that's what scaring some of those women off.

Me, i can really careless if she takes a freaken nose dive oneway or the other.
Im not so serious. Some play with me...others dont.
At the sametime...they know i find them attractive.
I guess Im just more relax about it.
I dont know...less tension or not as stiff.

I can slap that same chicks ass or say some non direct sexual comments to her...and she'll laugh.
While when my freind says it...he dosnt get the same response.

Like I say...when I get rejected by women I just met. It rolls off of my back.
I dont enternalize it. i dont think there's anything wrong with me.
She's just not attacted to me...But I'm not attracted to all chicks I meet either.

Idk...dude
Plenty of women had also asked me out.
Some tell me they only want sex from me...ect
Some also told me they're in love with me and wanna marry me too.(that's heavy stiff man).hahaaa

 

[Phaedron]

It is insane to keep trying to same ineffective approach. When you desire to die, it is a desire for what is fake to end and what is real to be found. When you know yourself and you are in tune with your purpose, then one is ready to meet their destiny. At this crossroads in Life I found it helpful to dive into advanced astrology, numerology, and regular use of Tarot to access energetic states. Tarot in particular is an invaluable tool for psychoanalysis. Even online Tarot like Facade (best site imho) can sometimes help immensely. Another thing to do when you're down is seek a higher purpose, or something that you have passion for.

In my case, I've come to understand the repeating patterns associated with the five lifepath, and knowing that my destiny is nine, its clear I will just remain a loner and become more spiritual. I'm not even going to try and fight it anymore. With a personality of one I am naturally inclined towards being original and unique. With eight as soul urge instead of lifepath I have all the workaholic and money sense applied to spiritual endeavors, to making karma rather then money. These four core numbers will tell you a lot. The advanced profiles will help to understand the sort of situations problems and patterns you're going to face. These chart the fixed aspect of life.

When you understand symbols synchronicity will be everywhere. Especially if you are worried about being "a nothing and a loser" If you can't find identity in becoming "something" you'll have no choice but to find it spiritually or idealistically. I used to take consolation in the words "the least here shall be among the greatest in heaven" even to the point that I delighted in being nothing, and a loner.

Understand that in this world everything either grows or decays. You've heard the saying evolve or die? Just as the body becomes fat and/or weak when neglected, the same is true for the mind, heart, and spirit. A persons spirit will sustain them, but a wounded spirit who can bear? Your situation is always either getting better or getting worse.

I have no helpful advice concerning how to "make it" in this world. I've been stabbed in the back so many times, I don't trust my heart to anyone. Assuming the worst is ALWAYS a good idea. Idealism and opportunity are at odds. The more you are willing to lie, cheat, and steal the further you go in this world. Its kill or be killed.

Mainly I think if you're this confused you need to really take some time and think about things, perhaps things which strike at the very core of your being. Perhaps your "frozen soul" is telling you that the world is dead. Maybe you should try playing with fire for a while. Cold negative energy is feminine, the west is under heavy feminization by occult means. It is invaluable that you seek to find that inner flame beneath the cold outer exterior, but I fear you have this in reverse?

Also, whenever "you" change drastically your reality will change. I went through change after change, so I know how that can get. The veils of perception are so very deep.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Thats some heavy stuff Phaedron.
Jadded is when fucken crazy glue and duct tape cant keep my heart together anymore.

Ive been a spiritual journey off and on for the past 22 years of my life.
Clearity had always been my challenge.
Sometimes its like peeling layer of onions...
When you get to peeling all the layers, you're left with nothing.
So perhapse it is in the nothing that I might see most clearly.
Ive studied and practice lot of spiritual principles.
Ive gather informations from various source and avenue.

Yet everything had also came full circle. My vision is about as fucken
blurrrr as they were 22 years ago...becuase i feel my spirit is crushed.
The things that strike me at the very core of my being.
I worry about Kimi and Sassy...
I DONT WORRY ABOUT THESE OTHER WOMEN.

The last time I took a tarot reading just for kicks...
Which is kind of fucken odd becuase things did turned out a certain way.
And it told us straight up why. It gave us the forsite to alter our destiny
or take the alternative path.

At the sametime on a personal level matter. Over and over again
again it say that i wasnt fulley in touch with my Higher Self or
that i havn't learn how raise above my lower self (ego).

It still comes back to....Loving myself.
Maybe I'm not fulley evolved or Im not so so clear.
I'm clear enough to know....
That WHEN I'M INDIFFERENCE of wheather chicks accept me or reject me.
My Happiness is in my own hands or arnt totally effected by outside circumstance
or other people...Realtively simple and easy to achive when I'm not totally
emotionally involved with certain women or people.

But when it comes to Kimi and Sassy, it's over flowing

 

[Phaedron]

Its interesting you say that about everything coming full circle over 22 years, because 22 is a complete archetypal decade (22 is master builder in numerology, is Fool to World in the 22 major arcana, there are 22 hebrew letters, and plenty of other references to 22)

If there still doesn't seem to be clarity... sometimes the destination is so far away we can't see it. One does not reach an end to wisdom because he finally knows everything, but because for some reason his growth has stopped. In Qabalah knowledge is a bottomless pit. It goes on forever. So there is a lot to be said just for making sure one is "growing" even if it only seems like tiny baby steps. You can look at your feet while slowly climbing the mountain, but if you look at the top you might decide it's too high to climb.

If there does seem to be clarity... you can always challenge it to be sure. Read everything you can find using the phrase "Crossing the Abyss"

Still not certain about the subject of the "higher self" my father claimed to know his higher self, a female angel named Aliesha, and claimed he spoke with her all time.
If its not true, I was thinking that a demonic spirit could masquarade as the "higher self" if you think of them as "you" that would certainly make possession a piece of cake.
The galactic federation of light, that is the council of nine, claim they are "us" in the future.

Just some food for thought... I think that "Phuriel" is my higher self, but once while asking aloud if my "guardian angel" was present I heard a response claiming he was "Jophiel" who I later found out was one of the archangels of the seven rays that go around leading people to becoming light workers. Prior to hearing his voice in my head I had never once heard the name Jophiel, so no it did not come from my own mind and then just suddenly turn out to be real. I don't believe in coincidences. You can also try doing a relationship spread on Facade, (enter your name in subject and "higher self" or whatever partner you want to assess the archetypes between you) but right now I am heavily leaning towards this being a deception. It has been stated that the core purpose of Magick is to achieve this conversation with the higher self.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I was using the relationship spread.

I'm not too clear on the concept of the higher self.
I have experinced situations or moments of my life that simply cant be explain away
by simple logic.

However, Ive gathered more informations about the higher self.
It positive in nature. Such as having unconditional love for myself.
Loving myself. Forgiving myself. Accepting myself...ect

Im still self destructive to a degree. Not as much as I used to be.
So Im not totally sure if Im just acting out to some of my old behaviors again.
Women...rather other women are a sort of distractions to me.
One night stands, 3 month flings...ect, ect isnt exactly what I want nor
wish to do. I know it's a road that leads to nowhere.
I dont have problems getting women. I have a problem with trying to make
a relationship work with Sassy or have a healthy loving relationship with her.
So by defualt I have my mind on other things (Sassy).
You know how some people say to have other things going in your life then
women will simply just kind da fall into your lap. It works like that for me.
The freaken paradox of life....IDK

At the sametime devoting myself to Sassy is also like pounding my head into a brick wall.
The numberious ineffective results. Other women can reject me.
But when Sassy rejects me..Im totally down for the count again and again.
She's like my achelly's heel sort of speak.

Im not totally sure how I can grow from this.
However Ive also experince enough to know...i usually feel this way or go through
this kind of lost in space episode before growth.
Sometimes i feel like a freaken snail claimbing a mounrtain.
God forbid I come across a salt pit in my path.lol

I havnt heard of Crossing the Abyss.
Thanks for sharing that with me. I will looking into that.
I know i dont have all the answers. Im still willing to learn new ideas or concepts
that might help me see the bigger picture.

Ive also recently came across more in depth intructions on meditations and the chakkras.
I havnt been meditating on a regular basis lately.
I do know when I meditate I can kind of get a sort of outta boby experince or at the very least
get out of my head for a while. Im not sure what chakkra my sarpent is at...at the moment.
Which really dosnt have anything to do with sex.

Western culture view the sarpent or the symbalic of it as sex. And the sarpent as being evil.
Snake, sex automatically triggers or is associated with evil, guilt and shame for some people.

SpirituLITY and sexuality had always been part of me.
Im sexual by nature.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: Well females asking you out and only wanting you for sex is not too uncommon for a guy your age. Most females are at or falling off their sexual peak. However, I get what you say, be indifferent if they go away do not care. I am getting to the point where I would not believe a female is actually genuinely attracted to me anyway.

@Phaedron: Again, I do not feel my soul is neglected. Like I said when I was sexually active I was happy. I keep myself plenty busy. I have plenty of hobbies that fulfill me. I am just depressed because I cannot get the one thing I want.

Maybe my frozen soul is the same as a frozen body dead already.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Females had alway asked me or wanna have sex with me for as long as I can remember.
Not just any girls. Always the cute n pretty ones.

I was bullied and picked on as a kid. (Not by everyone) becuase
I was an asain male growning up in a white predonminate sector.
In the 70s and 80s right after the vietniam war. Racial discriminations.

My sisters were pomp queens, cheer leaders or the high social status crowd.
All the with dudes wants a little China Doll..ect...ect.

It's just that all the stupid fucken hatred got to me and warped my mother fucken
mind and heart.

But life is strange with it's paradox..becuase the pretties girl in the room
would be attracted to me. My first formal GF was prettier than all the
girls in my school. She made a big impac on me....
She opened my mind and bursted a lot of bubbles in a good way.
Not was she only pretty. She was kind, love, thoughtful, well.
She didnt do any drugs..ect..ect.
I had that..i knew what it was like for someone to genuinely love me
and care for me.

You must also understand. She was also white. She went against
the grain of society or masses...

To alot of degree she was very mature. Have high self esteem.
Assure of herself. She was her own person.
She didnt worried so much what the fucken world
thought about her. She loved me and that's that.
She wanted me...and that's that.

She was a perfect 10 out of 10 inside and out.

So as far as women gose...I've been with plenty of knock out drop dead gorgeous
women. Having that experince...I know i can get the best and be with the best.
So in some sort of wierd way...I draw upon that.
Positive begets more positive kind of thing.....

Its what I mean when i say...
"Bitches..you dont even know"
You dont even know whom ive been with and had in my life.

Genecticly i felt messed...as a young kid growning up.
i was the only asian male in school...and i sure as fucken couldnt change the colure of my skin.
Every fuvken day...there were always some fucken ******* ..saying honeysuckle or picking on me.
There were so much god **** hatreded that surrounded me...
I guess god sent me a beautiful angle with so so so much love to balance everything out.

So like the other day Sarah was going though my stuff. ( which is a big no..no..no.lol)
She saw a pic of Jenn. One of my Exs.
Sarah was like " wtf, i know that *****. You went out with her????"
It kind of put Sarah in check.lmao
Jenn is a pretty girl of course......

 

[beautifulsorrow]

chocolate cake (Y)

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: Well then you are just luckier than I am. Sometimes being white makes life even harder. When all girls see are other white guys. It makes the non-white ones stand out more and makes them more attractive because they are different.

Much like you my sisters were queens of the school. So much so that most of the school refused to believe that we were anything more than cousins, so that did me no good.

Well I guess I know that I cannot ever have a female again... so I might as well get used to it. More time for me right?

@beautifulsorrow: To be honest I have never liked chocolate cake. I prefer white cake. However, I cannot have any because I started my paleo diet yesterday.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

IDK....

Sometimes i meet women on a rebound or visa versa.
So in the back of our minds we know. We give it a try cuase
you never sure where it's going to lead to.

Other times Im just bored and it's just fun and games.

Other times, Im totally in love and head over heels over her.
Sometimes it'll be good for years upon years...
Break ups are always hard no matter who's fualt it is.

Being single helps me grows as a person.
Being in a relationship dose the same. its not always rossie.

Even going through a terrible break up can help me...
It dosnt seem like it when I'm going through so much pains.

I do know what I want...and Ive traveled far and wide
to be with her over and over again. Inspited of all the bullshit.
I do those things for her as much as I was doing it for myself.
In my heart and mind.... I wouldnt have any regrets no matter the outcome.

Idk...Im just saying. i have wrong reasons and the best of reasons
to get involve with women.

Kind of like what Pheadron was saying....Sometimes I had to play with
fire, so that my soul wouldnt get cold.